Book

My life is a book
Of endless possibilities
Keeping me guessing

My life is a child
Watching hearts break through windows
And wondering if I would ever feel the same

My life is a love affair
With a God who put stars in the sky
Last night
Just for me

There are dreams that stay with me
Hope that never dies
And I've been given promises
I don't have to question why
Because I know that there is a rainbow
At the end my sorrows

God has given me rain to dance in
With a freedom I always longed for
And sun to lay
With peace

I have days that I could dance away
And nights when I have to tell myself to breathe
I have to remind my heart to beat

I have a God

And I can't image having survived so many broken hearts without Him
Not having nights
When I could talk to Him
And never question His love for me
Never question that He knows me and He wants me
More than anything
More than the breath He breathed into me when I was a baby
And dying

I can not question God's faithfulness
He has shown me mercy
And this broken heart is all I have to give Him
But it's all He's asking for

He calls me beautiful

I do not understand my life
Not today
But God feels me
And He's mending another broken heart
Slowly
But surely

Making me see that He's made me worthy
He has made me holy

He has simply made me
With all the love I have to give

And I will never regret
I will never apologize for being strong or happy
I will never apologize for being me

And I love you
I love you to all the depths of my being
And I have no regrets
Because it's the deepest parts of my soul
Peaking from behind the window
At the broken hearts
I know that love is never a mistake
And now all I can do is love you enough to walk away
The test of love

God brought you in my life
And He may be taking you away
But I've learned through all the joys and all the mistakes
And knowledge is not wasted
It is not thrown to rot in the street

It is here in my heart
Where I will always hold you dear
Hold the memories so close to me
Where they are always supposed to be

Where God has made me complete
God has given light to all the dark in me
And I am full of life
Full of promise
A hope for a future

I will always love

Afraid

Did I just jump back?
Right now I feel afraid
Again

Why do I always resort back to feeling this way?
The thought of loosing everything for good
Stole the life that I had found
And I feel nothing
I'm walking
But I feel no ground beneath me
I'm floating somewhere between death and life
Again
And I despise this feeling
Yes, I am not hurting
But I'm not living

Secrets and solitude
Do nothing for me and you
Nothing for us
And I'm ready to loose you
While I'm already so void of feeling
It would make it easier
And my depression has proven
To be a black hole sucking everyone in
And I may never forgive myself
If I take you down with me

Right now I want to be alone
I want to believe again
That no one will love me

I want to believe I have nothing to loose
Because I've found myself afraid again
Afraid of loosing all of the things I love
I'm not sure I could live through that again

I'm waiting for bad things to happen
And I hate myself for feeling that way

And when I look in your eyes
I can see your fear too
Fear of being another one of my regrets
But just remember
I don't regret

If I were given the chance to go back and be as perfect as a human can be
I would turn it down in an instance

I like this version of myself better than any I have known
Or any that I've dreamed up
And I would not trade that
Even if it meant that I would not be haunted by these dreams
Or feel the life being scared right out of me
Every time that a strange man touches me
Even just to tell me that I dropped something

I will keep all this scar tissue
I will keep all my jaded insecurities
You could never be a regret
I never regret anything
I just live

So let me find the life that fear as taken from me
And I will smile
No matter what happens to you and me

Never Die

I want to fall
Into arms that will hold me

Life has shown itself as a good many things
Swirling quickly
Acting as if it is never ending
Then stopping suddenly
As if the end were sitting before me

I believe

There's not much to grab onto
But I believe that God is good to me
He always has been and He always will be
So sweet that I can feel Him sweep through my body
To just let me know that He's still around
Appearing in memories
Where I had never seen Him before
But now remember so clearly
That the entire time
He was standing next to me
Reaching
So gently
So loving
Everything that I needed Him to be

I have life
Down to my core
And I always knew
Almost from infancy
That there was something about me
That was immortal
Different from everyone else
And unable to die with my body
There was a spirit in me
A soul, if you will
That looks just like who I am supposed to be
And just like my Father

I have His eyes
Just look
There's a part of me that will never die

Heart

I want to break into your heart
And find a piece of mine
Tacked on the wall
Like a collage of many beautifully broken things

Old

Sometimes I only wake up in the morning
To look in the mirror
And see how much damage time did to my face
While I was asleep
Someone stole my beauty

A Soul

Once I learned how to stop feeling

It became easy to do it again

And again

And again

Easy to detach

To stop caring

So numb to life

That I could allow people to use my body

Without waking a weary soul

To fight back

For a body

That never felt like my own

Is that any way to live

Staring through eyes that feel so disconnected from me

That I'm floating

I need to feel

My soul needs to feel

To live and love

Like tomorrow was never coming

But it's already here

My Reasons

I'll wait years on something
That apparently I don't even want

I'll walk a thousand miles
Just to say that I did

I will be beautiful
Just to be forbidden

And then when I reach my destination
I turn right back around
And head back to where I came from

Little Girl

Do I still look like your little girl?
When I paint my face
And change my hair

How do you know...
That I'm the same little girl who sat on your lap
And demanded that you tell me stories

I don't always know that she's still me

I just see her sometimes
When I get embarrassed
Or exceedingly happy

But you remember more of her than me

Daddy, how do you still know that it's me?

Oh Great God

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Those words always hit me like a ton of bricks. Today I found myself having a tough time trusting God, and a tough time trusting myself. I was listening to "Small Enough" by Nicole Nordeman. I've been listening to this song almost half my life now (I feel old). This song has been my constant reminder every time that I've found myself sad and unsure, every time I just needed someone to love me... to hold me.

"oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now"

It's easy for me to think of God as big and great. It's easy for me to look up in the sky and know that He knows every star and every galaxy. Sometimes it is just hard for me to realize that the same God who holds the world in His hands has a special place in His heart just for me. As small and insignificant as my problems are, He cares. That thought is so much bigger and more inconceivable that the stars have ever been to me. It's hard for me to believe.
Today I found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of downtown Atlanta refusing to get up until I believed that. I didn't just want to believe, at that moment it seemed almost life and death that I grasp this concept down to the core of my being and find rest at His feet. No matter what I've had or how many of God creations I have worshiped instead of Him... no one ever really cared about me the way I am supposed to be cared for and I'm starting to think that no one ever can. I can't help but think that God knew that when He was creating the world and He knew that He could only ever be the one for me.

It's comforting to know that God doesn't need me, but He wants me.

Roads

Things are moving
But I feel calm
At peace

I've been down so many roads
That I have come to believe that wherever this goes
God has something great for me
I just have to believe

God is holding me
While I'm exhausted and stumbling
And it's alright
I don't always have to stand up straight

I'm still happy
God, I'm still free

Quiet

The morning is so still
So quiet
The only one making noise is me
And I'm just breathing
The breaths of someone who knows what's coming

And it's okay

Grow

Grow up
Then do me a favor
And don't find me

I'm happy
And for the first time I know that I am worthy

I am worth more than "maybe"
More than the possibility of something

Today I know
That someone will love me
Take me as I am
And never wish he had done things differently

But you are cheap wine
In an expensive bottle
And I drank too long
Before I decided
That it's not worth the time
... or calories

I am not waiting for any of you to be worth my time
Because you keep wasting it

I am a pearl
That has been sitting in mud for so long
That I couldn't see what I was worth

Now I know
That I am worth more
Than what I have been taking

For your sake become the man you were always supposed to be
Still flawed
But open to the world
So unpredictable
But lovely enough
That when you find something worth having
You grab onto it like the rest of the world has fallen away to nothing

But not me
Because as arrogant as it seems

I'm grown
And I need someone who is grown enough to grow with me

Just me

Happy

Everyday I become more of me
Less needy
Less overcompensating for what's missing
But just me
It's good to be alive
To be free
And feeling

Did this happen slowly or all of a sudden?
But I'm looking at myself from outside
And
I smile knowing
Who I've become and where I'm going

It's a beautiful thing

I used to think
That I could travel to a place where the grass was green
Where things would fall into place
It would be easier to wake up and look in the mirror

But no matter where I went

It was always the same story
Just different scenery

Maybe life is not as much about seeking
As if happiness is a destination

It's about a journey
Almost standing still
Learning to open my eyes
And see what is right in front of me

See who I was made to be
Letting Him pull me closer everyday

And then without ever looking for it
Or expecting

I find myself sitting in this chair
Feeling
Happy
Wondering how I ever felt any differently

Rest

When I find your arms
Can I stay?
Resting on something I can feel beneath me

I want the world to disappear
So I can rest for a few years
Never deeming it wasted time
Just catching up on the last 8 years
Feeling like I could never be still
Even in my sleep
Life keeps moving

One day you will know that I pray for you
But not by name
I don't know your name
But I pray

I pray that you be kept safe
That you will find me one day

And that we bury our weaknesses in each other's embrace
Only to find strength

I look for that day

Until then
Sleep well

Keep open eyes and an open heart

I'm always around
Just look in the right direction
I'm easily found

God Forbid

I'm going to call it a bad day

I'll call it a mood

But God forbid I claim it

God forbid I deal with it
Not filling my schedule with more things I don't have time for
So I never have to sit and think
God forbid

There was a crack in the cement running from one side to the next. I wondered if people would still walk here if it were perfect. Someone would stake their claim on something worth having, not today. So, I'll step over the crack and walk away.

Same thing
I will never be loved enough to be claimed

I am forgiven
But still tainted enough in the eyes of men
That I'll always be the friend or the last resort
That's who I am

I tried to change and I tried to lie
Burying the me inside
And finding my mask
With the happy smile and sad eyes
I tried

To hope that one day I would have a family
Of my own

But nothing I could wear, do, or say
Can take away
These things people see
Sense
Know
It's the intuition of human nature

So now I will love myself enough to walk away
I will love myself so much that I don't ever settle for being the last resort
I am the first catch or I am nothing at all
Work fine on my own

And if I get lonely
I'll buy a dog

I am and will always be convinced
That things were never meant to be like this

God never meant for me to feel this way

But today I want to see things
Instead of making my own reality
Where I am lovely

If that cement could talk it would apologize for not being perfect, but never desire to be beautiful. People shame the beautiful as if they were put here to lead people astray.

Don't apologize
If you haven't done anything wrong

You're Dreams

I hope you're not waiting
For things to be as neat as they are in your dreams
Life is outside of those things
But if you open your eyes
Life is beautiful right around it's jagged edges

Life is amazing
Right here on earth

Get out of your head
And realize that eventually
You'll have to make a decision
Make it beautiful

My Fire

Place your strong hands on my life
Until it shutters

Like approaching a fireplace
To warm numb limbs
From a lifetime in the cold
The burn of knowing that things will be better from now on
That my body is warming
And once the pain passes
I will feel again

Be my fire

And when I look at your hands for the thousandth time
Realizing that they are the last hands I ever want to hold
I'll keep them with me
To shield me from the cold

It's Alright

I closed my eyes every night
To listen to your voice in my head
The only place that it still lived

I tried so hard not to forget you
Until one night I let you slip away
I forgot to remember you
Forgot to let you out of your cage
To live in my mind

Every boy after you
Just made me miss you more
And the only time I hated you
Was when
For one second
I thought that if you had stayed with me
No one else could have ever touched me

I'm sorry
Sorry that I blamed you for even a second
For what happened to me

You were too pure
You were too perfect
Too much of everything I ever wanted
And I can never hate you
I can never wish anything more
Than that God had spared you
From yourself

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to keep you around
I couldn't bring you back to earth

I wish you could see my life now
I wish you could be proud
That I'm not so sad anymore
I'm not so young anymore

I am slightly more jaded
But close enough to earth that I can feel a heart beat
Close enough
That people move me

I was too young to know better
To love you better

I could have been more

But that wasn't the beginning
Of feeling like I couldn't do anything
Right

It just sat there in the back of my mind
And sometimes at night
I could feel you hold my hand
And things didn't seem so lonely

I could feel you kiss my bruises that others inflicted on me
I could feel you cry over the cuts that I put all over me

I could feel you

But it was never enough
Because the second I turned around you were gone

Always gone

The First Day... Again

I find myself hesitant to write. I know my language will do this no justice.

A day never existed
As beautiful as this
Magnificent in the flows
And gracious to the mind

This is the day

Whether or not I believed in Love
Love always believed in me
Me
So unlovable

First loves are a constant memory
Always tugging at the same strings
Of broken hearts

Today is a good day to say
That I wear a broken heart on my sleeve
But my first Love is mending it slowly

He's more sweet than I imagined Him to be
Gentle to my rugged ways
And soft to a hard heart
He is my everything

Once upon what seems like another life
I refused to see
But He was always looking at me
Refusing to run away
He was the first who cared enough to stay

I find myself so weak
The trait that I have despised most
Since the day I first looked in a mirror
And learned how to hate
But now my weakness is so sweet
Fueling my only Love
Showing His strength

Fearing to dream
I thought of many things
And nothing I could fathom
Was nearly as beautiful as what I've seen

These are the moments
That would last a lifetime
If the world were a fair place
But while I feel
I will feel every depth
Every angle
All the liquid parts flowing through my distorted being

I cry with a grateful heart
I cry with a soul that was once lost

I am free
And I am loved

I never thought I would find either of those things

But He found me
When no one else could find me

I am alive

I Envy Her

Everything is nearly perfect
And everything that isn't
Only makes her more beautiful

When I close my eyes I can see her
I can see all of her graces
All the ways she pulls them in

I have no desire to know this girl
But I'll always wish I was more like her

I'll always wonder what would have happened
If I could go back and do my life over
As perfectly as possible
Dotting my I's and crossing my T's
Making sure that everything was so sweet
So innocent
So... unlike me

Maybe I could be her
With no story
But the ones that she reads
In her perfect books
Filled with perfect pages
Touched by lovely hands

It's a strange feeling
To be so jealous of someone I don't even know

Driving

Ready to cry

Drive to anywhere

Watch the rain try to wash away my car
And keep on going like I don't notice
Just the way I like to do it

I'm ready to fall backwards
Ready to laugh at the things I can't change
And drop the things I can

I'm going to say this once
Because I might not think this tomorrow

But you don't deserve me...
None of you
And I'm tired of pretending
That any of you ever have a chance
Of getting to touch me

I'm going to keep driving
And I'm dropping this town as soon as it sets me free
Just like every other time
I'll leave the people with the ground

It hurts to leave
But it hurts worse when you come around

Stick your ground

..............

Dress me up or down
Which ever way you want me

Keep my mouth taped shut
And you won't ever have to ask me what I think

Tell me to get down on my knees
And I will do as you please

Is it better to show you what you can't have
Or watch you take what you can't see

I have my doubts

But I'll still role play
In whatever costume you have for me today
And I'll still smile when you tell me to be myself
While begging me to wear something better suited for yourself

Your denial is the most amusing thing left in this relationship

Don't get near me

Leave me be

I am moving along just fine

And no matter how much anyone knows about me

I'll still be a mystery


Now, try and find me

Today

Today, it's too hard to be me, but nearly impossible to live outside my body. I'm speaking to fast and thinking too slow. It's the trimmers again. Withdraw.

I am not sure what to do
When I forget I have a loving Father
I get so confused
When my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears
And I'm desperate
To be heard
Or to be saved
To remember that this is not my shame

I feel anxious. My mental health is fading, and I'm refusing to walk away. Why do I make things so hard on myself? I know I can't have much to say, and talking with my hips is exhausting and always sending... all the wrong signals but not the ones you would think. I breathe in my depravity. I breathe out my wounds. My exit wounds look worse than the entrance and I don't know how to cover them anymore.

I can't love myself enough to be beautiful
Not today

I can't hate myself enough to give up
Not today

I'm existing to purgatory
I'm looking at the world through distorted glass
And the more I see
The less I know


See, she was down so far that no one could find her, and now that I'm looking I wish to forget the journey. Always dividing up the assets of a divorce like change to the poor. Divorcing her sin felt like cutting away the only part of her that she was convinced she didn't hate.

See, she is me. I am her, and somewhere in the distance is who I'm supposed to be.

Today, I feel lost.
Not hopeless
But hurt
So hurt that I'm no longer breathing
I'm living on osmosis
Living on passive things

I'm tired of apologizing
Tired of praying that God would forgive me
For being

Take Love

Give me something dark and beautiful
To mask what I can not say

Let beautiful words fall from your lips
Memorize me with your truth or lies
The difference will fall in the air

Play on words until I cry
Leaving me to lay in my peace

Escape the hands the bury me in my sleep
Without ever having to let it leave me
Know that I have dreams
About dying

If there were breath to be taken
Take it from me
There is no need anymore
To keep love for me

There is love buried in me
Set it free

Set me free

Standing In

There's something about all this
That disgusts me down to the core of my being

And I can't shake it

But I'm not sure that I would
Even if I knew how

There is innocence in this midst of all this
As hidden as it may seem

As much as this repulses me

There's something that tells me
That it's never hopeless as long as I'm feeling

The enemy of love is apathy

So, even my pain is part of the solution
I'm holding out for those who have already let go

I'll be your stand in

Everything I Have

So many years
Grabbing onto shaking lamp posts
Floating feathers
And the back of cars
Moving as fast they go

Attached to temporary things
Wishing for them to stay
Watching them fall
Watching them move away

Withdrawing
Was the water on a seed of self loathing
Detaching
Made a cold chill down to the marrow in my bones

Never taught to respond
Or taught myself
Life
I spoke death
Into my soul
Believing that it was a way to live a life

Trying to ignore the darkness

It whispered to me
So lightly
That I could make my ears learn
To stop listening
Yet there was a dark cloud following death
For years I saw it moving slowly towards me
And then hovering
Over the everglades
Ice caps of a frozen heart
Begging for life

Sitting in the back of my eyes

Feel

I lay naked and exposed
The only way I know to live
But the sun of the desert beats down on my heart
It runs into the streets
To people who love me

Love was never a good enough reason to stay

I can not help but wonder
If my heart is finding more homes
In more temporary things

I can not keep anything in my hands
To save my life
Literally to save my life

Prove me wrong
Please
I have been waiting my whole life
To be proven wrong

Stay
Please stay
Love me always

Do not let my heart wash away
Do not bury it before my body

I'm finally alive for the first time

I do not hurt the way I did
But I remember
I remember every second of every heartbreak
Every bit of pain is imprented my brain

I desire to be honest today
I want to tell God that I need Him here
Tangible so I can feel Him in my hands
Feel Him wrap around my exposed self
Wash my weary eyes

Be the only One who will ever prove me wrong
The only One to stay
Never go away

Ashes

In the breeze still lull
Everyone is silent
Out of respect
Or shock
But still
No noise
Life just changed again
Unlike the little ways that it moves everyday

It jumped

Give me a moment
Let me stand
Soak in the ashes and filth of what was burned
And dream of what will be
With all the frightening uncertainty that it brings
Let me have that moment
Just for me
Realizing that in this visible uncertainty
I have no more self led direction
Than I did before

I believe
That He gives beauty for ashes

50

Feel me
Please

Know me
Why not?

Don't make me beg
I'm too proud for that

Find me
I'm not hiding

Breathe into me
I'm suffocating

Take the hands that are choking me
And despise them

Do it for me
Not who you want me to be
Just for me

Savior

Tried to explain innumerable times
And continue
Possible to the very day
I'm taken away

Words never wrapped around it
Minds left to wonder
How great a Love
Desperate for a savior

I remember
Desperation
Down to the very core of my being
Forgetting pride for the first time
Admitting my own need
Laying on the same floor
Until I heard something
Anything
That life and death feeling

I desire that floor
My heart yearns for the same desperation
That I felt back then

And I know
That today I need a savior
The same as I needed Him years ago

It's the prayer of my being
Every cell in my body exhales
The same need

I will sing a song about the indescribable
A love that sinks to the core of my being
And tells me that I'm not alone
Even when no one is around


When
My parents are six feet down
And I'm on the floor again
Breathing through the cracks in the wood
Desperate

Exactly where
Love finds me

And everything I have
Is nothing that I ever wished for
Nothing I ever deserved

It's bigger than a little girl dreamed
Brighter than the crayons stains
More lovely than the dresses and pearls
The imagination of a little girl

Deeper than all the depths of me

Love in a Savior

For Me

I never want you to die
But I can't say I gave it much thought either

I'm not sure if I wished you handsome
Or just wished you strong
But I wished all the same

I wished you to be wonderful
Yes, I do remember wishing for that

But you frighten me
Not knowing you
And when I do
Is it the real you?
Or just a matter of time before you transform
Into someone new

I don't want to live without you

But what if you make all my biggest fears come true?

What if you were everything I ever wanted you to be
Until the late nights at the office
And the cold side of the bed where you used to lay

What if you just stopped caring?

You stopped listening when I was talking
And then I realized
That just like everyone else
You were caught by my charm
My uniqueness
The shockingly inappropriate first remarks
Or my mystery

But in the end
I wasn't enough to keep your attention

And so my loyalty would lead me to clean
To cook better
Look better
Love better

Always wishing that I didn't have to fight
To be good enough

That maybe there was someone
Maybe there could be someone
Who would love me for me

Wanting to spend everyday
Getting to know better
All the ways that he will love me
As infinite as all the things there are to know
About me

Battle

These thoughts move like hurricanes
Destroy like volcanoes
And appear like the wind

These are the things that keep me grounded
To nothing
An illusion that something is beneath my feet
Breaking the fall between me and eternity

The battle rages inside me

To God be the victory
And to hell with Satan

The battle is bigger than me

You see?

This is a battle that has been going on
Since the woman and the tree
This battle now lives in me

And I refuse to let the enemy take hold of me
Because his death grip squeezes the breath out of my lungs
And it's already hard enough for me to breathe

I wish I did not name the field lonely

Standing in the front lines
I see no one by my side
And If I forget to call God tonight
Than I will be a bullet sponge
One more time

Not again
These sins are forgiven
Lies hold no place in my life
And the enemy has no authority over my mind

It was all put behind
And I'm tired of fighting tonight
So I will crawl again
Beaten up and broken down
Into the arms where Love is found
The arms of God
Where I rest

I want earthly love no more

This grace is all I need
Rest is all I hoped for

Free

Touch me without making me bleed
You produced a DIC
And now I have half a change of surviving
Tell me
What will it be?
Revive me
Second thought, don't touch me

Just sit
And move me
So deeply
That I'm out of body
Again
I've left the vicinity
Chase me
But not if you don't plan on keeping me
With you
The only place I ever wanted to be

Sing deeply
Sing freely
Sing only to me

And if you really love me
If you ever really loved me

Set me free

Asleep

So pleasant
So divine
Everything I wanted
Nothing that I expected
Just more
So much more than a mortal minds hoped for
Or dreamed
In the moment between awake and asleep
Where You found me

A Beautiful Mess

This may be a little self absorbed, but this is just how I feel. I found this song the other day and when I was listening to it it felt like the writer had met me. I'm not getting married anytime soon but whoever I do marry will have to feel the same way about me that he feels about this girl. This girl has to be my twin. :)

"A Beautiful Mess"
Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are

We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

... I love it.

If It Kills Me

This song is... fantastic... :(

Lies

Had a strange feeling
That even if I could have read your mind
I would still have believed all of your lies
It was the places you took me with your eyes
Outside of my body
And back into the sky
Where my body felt that it had belonged
All along

The way beauty coerced itself into our lives
And became the bond between us
Even when everything else kept us miles apart

You had my heart

White Walls

Walking down those white halls
Everything blended so perfectly
Only slightly more narrow at the end

There was a strong sense of familiarity
But she remembered clearly

Being fourteen

And thinking

Those walls were there to keep her sane
Yes, that was it
She must

Have
Been
Crazy

But now
Those walls were just there to blend into a desired life
And
To remind her
That she was never going to be anywhere else
But there

Things never really got easier
Her hands shook violently as she opened the door
While wiping the nervous smile off of her face
So he wouldn't see through her
He couldn't see through her?

Sitting in the same chair
She wondered again why she was there
Saying,
"Are you going to try to talk to me again?
I could make your job easier and pay you
To sit, just sit."
He calmly sat
Pulling together his notes from all the other sessions
Dating back to that first frightening encounter with the white walls
At age 14

The minutes passed...
She may have escaped
Just in time for him to say
"This isn't about me. What happened to you?"
That nervous smile popped right back onto her face
And she replied "They took my body, but they won't ever take me."

The anthem of her painful living days sat in that one statement
It defined her for so long
That she was no more than a dirty body
And an ice heart
She was a living rag doll

The only thing she prayed at night was
That her soul stay unstained
The way she dreamed that she would be
In her entirety
... so young
So naive

As painful as it was
She grew up eventually
Still feeling the pains of her many yesterdays
But knowing oh so calmly
That she would never be complete
Not on this earth

Still unloved
And still fighting the memories
She went so long
Pretending to be okay
And now again
She's realizing
Why she needed a heart of stone

Because the vultures take what you give them
Everything

Take my body
But don't ever touch me


The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. She tattooed it onto her skin with pen so many times that it rang like church bells in the back of her brain. She was just hoping that one day she could say it out loud, and tell everyone unashamedly that her heart what hurting without wondering... when are they all going to leave me?

My bags are packed and sitting by the door.

Come Back to Me

Take that pretty head out of the sky
Come back to earth
Look me in the eye

Are things really as good as they seem?
Or once again are you lying to me
Living in a dream
That you desperately want to call reality

Be here with me

Talk about things as if you needed not save face
Say all the things
That you've been fearing all these years
We've been away

If you want to hide the truth
Hide your body
Because it's running down your sleeves
Come back to me

Don't say that God will take care of it
Because I know for sure that you don't believe that
Stop telling me that you're taking it a day at a time
This has all become more than a lie
This is you're life

And this is me
Offering a hand
Watching you sink

Fly With Me

Born into the woods of desperation
Fallen out of the nest to learn to fly
With clipped wings

Again to ponder love saving us
For one another

Two lovely looking sets
Of clipped wings

Learn to fly
So I can fly with you
But even if I take flight
Into the tops of the trees
Marked with desperation
Exhaling hope
It does no good
I can not carry your weight with me

Breathing life into my childhood dreams
I see more than me

Unclasp your wings
Fly with me
And we won't ever have to touch the ground again
We'll float off into our dreams
Unspoiled by the way things are
Instead lived out the way they were meant to be

But I can't wait for you to use your wings
I fly
Wherever the wind takes me

Time is running out
I'm gone
But I shed a tear for the memories
Knowing that all that's left to gain
Is everything

Come with me

Down in Flames

Move away from the ledge
I am tired of your games

And it's not fair
That even if you don't care
I have to

But you're the only salvation
For this desperate situation
And I'm tired of casually talking
In the middle of this burning building

I have to get out now
But I'm glued to the floor

And you just keep telling me
To stop talking about the burning building
And just make some light conversation...

So I will talk about the weather
While my tears try to put out the fire
That has now reached my feet
And you will answer just as calmly

Can't you see?
Your denial takes a toll on me

And I can't save you
You don't want to save yourself
But as pathetic as it is
I'll burn in this building
Because most days I would rather go down with you
Than spend a day without

You brought me back from the dead
You gave me life
And you gave me everything I needed
To go down in these flames
Were you preparing me for this day?

The Voice

Floating on at least half the clouds in the sky
Or from what can be detected by a human eye

Flirting with the wind
Chasing the rays of the sun
Reach down
Touching with a firm hand
The deepest parts
Of a human

Asking with all sincerity
"Who are you?
Not just today
But in everything.
Who are you?"

And a person
Or speaking for myself
I
Might quote all the things I do
All the things I have done
All the things I hope to be...

But all the while I mask the fact
That I can not be sure
If any of that is really me

So, I have but one reply
And I can not speak for everyone
I can not even be sure if I am right

But I said to the sky
"I am human
I am a women
And I wish to be a servant
I am humbled by the world around me
And foolishly prideful
About gifts that only God has given me
I am a stranger in a foreign land
I am a skeptic
And I don't trust man
I am human
I am trying
And by the grace of God
I have started to see what it means to be loving
I am always learning"

The voice in the sky never replied
The wind never told me if I was right
The rays of the sun never painted answers
On my scorching body

But I pray it is enough
That I am learning

And as always
When I am not enough
God's grace covers me

Sex

Get your sex out of my bed
The infectious life sucking sex
You disgust me

I cleaned those sheets for day
Then I threw them away
And finally
I took them outside
Poured enough lighter fluid on them
To blow up a small town
And I torched those suckers

Sex is the disease
That flowed out of them
And onto me
Onto my sheets
And into my dreams
... or nightmares

Sex, get away from me

You're slippery under my feet
Making sure that I always slip
Whenever I'm not looking

That's just who you are
A tricky little mind game

I don't need you
And I wish I didn't want you
But until you become somethings
That doesn't always destroy everything

It's best that you just leave me be

The Cross

Tonight
I stand
In awe
Of God
Of the second chance that is my life

The world swirls around me
Sometimes an infinite evil
That is too much for my weary heart to stand

But abandonment
Is not a claim of mine
God did not abandon me in this life

I stand
Humbled
By the grace that has been bestowed upon me
And never in my life have I been less deserving

The time I have is too short
To give God all of me
Enough to believe that I ever deserved to be set free
So I will just rest
With the gift He has given me

Jesus,
Let me be used for Your glory
May Your light forever shine through me
Make everyday a new chance for my life
To give You glory

Today my burdens roll away
To the foot of the cross

My Pride

Today, the first new day I've seen in weeks
The first time that I am outside my wheel of thoughts
Seeing that life
Is bigger than me

Back to the way I'm supposed to be
Lightly floating
But close enough to call this earth
My temporary home

This is not the first or last mistake to be made
I needed to find out who I was from everyone around
When God was offering me a look through a real set of eyes
For another first time

See, this is just my pride
Thinking that mortal thoughts are the final say so in my life
This is just my pride

10

If I say everything out loud
Will it destroy me?
Or set me free?

Will you ever live up to your word
And love me for me
Or do I always have to wonder
If I can say something
That will run you away
For good

Where is mercy
Where is unconditional love
Did I warp them in my own head?
Allowing myself to think that they don't exist
And people are only able to love me
When I'm happy

Does it really exist
And my fear of being really loved for me
Allows me to keep
Everything to myself

Talking to Me

Your pain hurts me
The face stays with me
Chasing me into wanting to understand everything
Wanting to see you again
Just to tell you
That God is holding you

I want to tell you
To get his hands off of you
You're not as numb as you think
You feel the way that his hands chase you
Right into his fantasy

I know you always feel him near you
His eyes watch you like the next meal
You feel
Trust me, you feel

Time warped dreams
Going back
Talking to me

6 days

The past 6 days, what a classic example of my need to overcompensate for how sad I am. Keep busy, stay longer, talk more, and maybe I won't be lonely anymore. I don't trust the way I feel, and I loathe my negative emotions. How irrational? So then I get to loathe myself for feeling. What a viscous cycle?

I still have a hard time telling God that I get sad. I hesitate to tell Him how angry I am that I let myself get used... again. I talk a lot of crap for someone who doesn't do anything. "It's all in my head. It's all in my head." I'll keep saying it. Never doubt the power of denial. For six days we've been realizing why we used to be best friends. Rekindling a relationship... nothing wrong with it?

Oh but best of all, don't forget the lies. Oh the lies I tell to protect the things I won't. I didn't come this far to let you get to know me... just because you asked.

Healing

I remember

The way you made me feel
When you were not around
How you controlled my actions
When you were no where to be found

I allowed every look
To pierce my soul
Throwing me to the ground
Begging for air
Crawling... on the floor

I gave you more power in my own head
Than you ever took from my body
I hated you enough to make you the center of my life
An all consuming gravity

I dragged on that journey
I hated everyone
For what you did to me
I was so self absorbed
That you melted right into me



It was the most painful process of my life
But it was the best thing I ever did for myself
Facing you
My favorite demon to hate
And then realizing you were not enough
To keep me living

I had to seek peace

In the Almighty
Everlasting
The only One who could ever reach straight through me
And know my soul
The only One who never let go
Never hurt me
Never deserted me
He didn't leave me for the prom queen

He simple loved me
And taught me to breathe
Whether that be standing
Or once again crawling
On the floor

I traded in my idol
Mashed you to the floor
And God swept you up
And gave me more than I ever dared to hope for

I Should Have Put You in Your Place

DO NOT TOUCH ME
I said it before
But apparently not loud enough

And when words fail
As they always did
I will fight
Drawing as much blood as I possibly can
With these fists and fingernails
Hoping that this time I leave you
Nothing but a shell

See I did not understand
Your foul manipulation
Your selfish antics
Rude remarks

If only I had seen things
For what they really are
I would have mustered up all the courage
That everyone women must possess
And put you to rest

And even though I know
Nothing will change
I could have helped pave the way
For those who come after me
They should not sit at home
Wondering if it is happening to someone else

Because I do

I Can't Fix It

Blink three times
Snap my fingers twice
And look at you once
Then everything will be perfect
Is that not the way it works?

A quick fix
A superstitious trick
That what I need to perfect
Us

It gets dangerous
When I find myself saying
"If things were different"
I find myself wishing
I was not so afraid
If only I was willing to lay
Everything on the line

But last time I did that
I swore that it would indeed
Be the last time

What happens when two people are so incapable of love
So unable to take a chance
So self focused
But foolishly hopeful?

I guess they just live in disappointment

I write again

I spied on you today
The first time in months/exactly one year
First time in awhile
I beg the easy way out
Make you disappear off this planet
Waiting for me somewhere else
I'm not in love with you
But I will always love you
Begging each memory to grow more dem
Erasing the taste of every kiss

Lack of sleep makes it easy to cry
Easy to remember
The summer makes love seem stronger
The nights make being alone seem lonelier
You make me seem older
The pictures make everything alive
Again
When I thought I put you to rest

Easy to move on
But until then
Hard to not be lonely

Don't Fall for Me. Set Me Free.

Remember me
Without falling
See how simple it could be?

Step out of my dreams
Allowing me to paint a thousand pictures
With more vibrant colors
And better places to be

Hearts long
As minds think
Moving slowly
Trying to enjoy the little time they have left
Born on life support
Walking on egg shells

Be of some use

I wish I could have realized
Before I took out the trash

That I was going to need
To use you again

What a waste
I know I didn't want you
I know I threw you away
But come back now
Because I need to use you again

About me

I wish I could reach out
Grab onto you with a grip
That intends on never letting go

And more than anything
I wish you felt the same about me

More than a dream

Blessings

I am innately selfish
Self absorbed and foolish

Blessings flow from the buildings
Finding me
Wheeling
Around in every direction
Finding me
A small reflection
Of what I still do not deserve
And still take for granted

I ran from God for so long
And He didn't need me
But He sought to make me strong
Which foolishly
I already thought I was
Selfishly
I thought I could be anything
Without Him
But He brought me
Back
He chased me as I ran
And looked at me
As I continued to look at my own feet

How little I deserve these blessing
But how abundantly they still flow
Never ceasing to amaze me
Leaving me wishing that I knew more suffering
That I may know His peace even more
That I may be a disciple

More

Thinking small
Silent and contemplative
The quiet before a storm
Denying the existance of the chaos

Wishing I had loved the moments more
Hoping that there are more to come
But calm
Sitting in the quiet of life
Wishing I knew how to do more
More to love
More to work for
And just more

Those Eyes

If I ever see those eyes again
I will burst into tears
And surely my life will fall apart

If desperation ever met despair
They would mate
Breed
And their offspring surely sits in those eyes

If the depravity of mankind ever came together
Nothing but pure evil
It gained all the energy it could muster
And thrust itself upon those eyes
Looking up
Trying to find a happy place
To escape

Want to Love

I WANT TO LOVE

Without the feeling of being wrong
Unwise
But to love
Really love
With no fear of rejection
Or bad choices
Or empty places where my love is thrown away

I WANT TO LOVE

Oh give me safe spaces
To plant my feet
And chasms running deep
To protect everything
That until now I've kept
For me

Break walls of stone
And lives of sand
Tear down
And rebuild
Teach me to love again

Let love sit
Water it
And make it grow
Into a new life
Little fingers and toes
Stretching out into an endless world
They have yet to understand
Or better put
We have all yet to understand

Makes rivers move
And mountains speak
Oceans knowing their place
Sacred we keep

Run into walls with the force of a thousand men
Tear into places we've never been
Pieces of my heart that I will never see
Until I learn to love
And let someone love me

Clear Skies

I do not regret
Trying to stay away from the infamous linger
But thinking back
If I were to say that I miss anything
It would have to be
The way you looked at me

As If I were the first person you'd seen
And the last you ever wanted to
Brand new
In an open sky
Mind blowing

I want to love you for the rest of my life
Kind of way

The way we don't forget
And remember clearly
Even when I'm 80
And I can't even remember my own family
I will remember the way you looked at me
Shaking the earth from beneath me
Begging the sky to fall on top of us
Never questioning what it would bring

That's how I know
That there is eternity
Bonding on this earth
End not with death
Death is mearly a movement
Until we meet again
And that we hope to
That I hoped always for you

But what if my reason sets in
And I know that the last pure look
That you shot in my direction

Was the last I will ever see
From
Your blue eyes
Our clear skies

Struggles

This was never taught to me
It's mearly instinctual to survive

At the end of the day
Sitting four seats away
From the only place
I ever wanted to be

Knee deep in all the things
I swore I would never be
Making absolutely no sense
Because I write my morals as I go
Whether for comfort or for show

These are the struggles inside me
To lean on all too convincing
Insecurities
Or take a risk that I can only wish
Is the last of it's kind
And do what I believe

See these are the things
So clear cut
Open ended
Never questioned
But now begging to be forgotten

And when my sins find me
What excuse will be given
I was too insecure to let go
I loved too much
And for the first time in a long time
I allowed love to be a good enough reason to stay
When I knew it wasn't
Like everything else
It would eventually go away

Today
I wish to leave it all behind

Gave up on you

I can no longer long for you
Waiting no longer
I must find something new
You were too perfect to keep me whole
With too large a sense of humor to make me cry
And for that
I walk away
Because you were never real in the first place
Never tangible to my lips or my fingers
Stretching ever so lightly in the morning
Just hoping
To reach for yours one day
But I surrender my dream
Marking it as too far away

Empy Quests

It must have been a few years ago
I loved to smoke alone
A solace representing
All the people I was around
And how alone I felt

But now I dread that balcony
Walking out alone
By myself for the first time in weeks
Secretly wondering
If I will have to face another demon
A different one
A new one that I don't completely understand

And then I wonder if he knows
That he was my favorite broken heart
He never did me wrong
Or at least not like the rest of them

And remove it from me
Because I may be
The only person on this planet
Who doesn't want to be in love
Never again

So why do I chase rainbows?
As if there is something at the end
Or maybe it's about the journey
To finding that I pick impossible quests
Like games
Like something to remind me why I love to pull down the rain
And stand like a final day
Where I was deciding again
Who I will serve today

Let Go

I've walked this road a million and one times
It's familiarity stays the same
But it changes a little everyday

I guess that's the same way
You feel about me
You stay for the familiarity
Even though I'm nothing like
I was the day you met me

Let go
Just let go
There are more places to see
There are more people
Other than me

The end of our story

I feel this wasting away
You know
The way you know that you're going to move soon
So you stand
As still as you can
Trying to fight the hand
That you were dealt without permission

It's bittersweet
But it will get better
It always does
I'm learingn again
To let go of who I was
Yesterday or years ago
It's still the past
Which ever way you go
And love may come again
Or this may be the end
But I'm not the one writing
I didn't jot down history
I just know that God still holds me
Even if this is the end of our story

A Weed

A weed in an endless breath taking garden
Of things not understood
Feeling different from everything around
Unable to see that it was choking itself
Choking out what it's blind eyes were unable to see
A life force
So strong it breathed
Through the leaves
And pedals of the most beautiful flowers
Ever seen
Mingling themselves into a world of color
Filled with energy
The kind that makes us breathe
When we exit the womb
And previous life sources are cut with a dull knife
Seeming like pain
That brings us into life
And can a weed turn into a beautiful flower?
No, it must be destroyed
And regrown
Into the same spirit
But shinning with a supernatural beauty
With that same energy
Always meant to be received
But weeds are unable to see
So in the own strength one can not open a blind eye
But must reject all natural things
And give up
Just in time to be grown anew
Into something more beautiful
More like You

There was a time

There was a time
When all I would have wanted
Was to lay with you
Sharing my last cigarette
On the beach
Thinking that if we just believed
We could live like that forever
Never moving
Just breathing in
The colors that surrounded us
A mosaic of unnamed shades
Waiting for us to let go of ourselves
And fly away
Into a sea of all the love
We had been harboring our entire lives
Learning to live for the first time
Making love like it was the last time
Tattooing rings on our fingers
So we never had meaningless medal tying us down to the earth
But to drink in the mind numbing pain of loving someone so much
That it gets hard to breathe
And it gets hard to speak
Because words fail
So the feeling just has to lay over us
An invisible blanket keeping us together
For all times

I loved them

I need to remember
Forget the compartments that I have everything
Tucked so neatly away in
And embrace the past as clearly as my future

I've spent enough time sitting with shrinks
To understand what happened
But the only thing I was left
Blinding grasping
Was why God chose me

There was a time when I would have traded my eternity
For God to chose the people I loved so deeply
But God chose me
So I watched them drown for long enough
To feel completely numb

But I must remember
That I can't save
Only God can

God, never let me forget them again
May their names stay in my prayers
And the voices stay in my head
May You grant them the same mercy
That You gave me
When I was and still am
So undeserving

Faithful

My feet get cold first
Because they're the farthest from my heart
But my soul stays warm
Because as far as I know
It lives in my left ventricle
Before the blood is pumped
To the dull
Life needing parts
Of my body
So close to me

When the wind blows
It never feels cold
As long as I can find my way back to my soul

Where I house my family
Where God rules my domain
The place that I keep so near
Sitting in my bottom of my heart
Saturated in the very fluid that maintains to the life
Of a body born to fight

This soul knows too much
But sometimes too little to speak
So I write these words
For the very parts of me
That have no voice of their own

My humanity has caught up with me
Many times
And I've apologized again
But mother doesn't seem to know
That whatever sting staring at death may bring
She's always warm in my soul
Where I hear her sing

And time is precious these days
So why do I waste it
Saying
Nothing
As if someone could read my mind
Or possibly tell me what to think

So once again to my family, I'm sorry
That I don't tell you the things my soul breathes
And I used to get so angry
Feeling like you never really saw me
But you see as much as I let be
Set free into a tangible world
Where people can see

And so far only God has restored
What I broke
So many times
On accident
On purpose
With all intents of being able to fix it

But the older I grow
The more I know
That I don't control much
So, on the best day of my life
I let go

And God proved faithful
The voice of my soul
That has restored the lives I broke
The things I took
The words I never spoke

So this is the story of a soul
So warm in a world so cold
A family that never did know
All the ways I care
Until almost 10 days ago

My God is faithful

He Knows My Heart

I've spent countless days
Getting to know myself
But He still knows my heart
Better than I ever will

Sometimes things just seem to happen
Life slips out of my hands
And for brief moments I have the sense
Of being completely out of control
But now I know there is Someone bigger than everything else

I never thought I would get here
I forever thought events would rule my life
I would never be acting
But always reacting to those moments
When things got too out of control

But flowers have become more beautiful to me now
Life has become more meaningful
And sometimes I forget to step back and realize
That I'm here
In the very place that I've longed for my entire life
But never knew how to find
Where to reach
What to say
And how to let go

But God knew my heart better all along
As if the entire time
Even when life was held in my hands
Ever controlled by my shaking clutching fingers
I wasn't ever in control
God was taking me by my shaking hand
Scared to death
And not knowing
That He knew where I could be
And whatever problems I had on this road
I can not deny that God believes in second chances
Because I'm living in one

God granted mercy for my sins
His love overwhelmed my hate
And I'm out of control
Because I only have one choice
To serve Him for the rest of my days

My Heart Longs

Bring me to the cross
Where my burdens roll away
Call me to Your feet
To stand another day
Cover me with You're love
So I want for nothing
Fill a heart that's always searched for something

You're my first monogamous relationship
And I've betrayed You time and again
But You're grace covers me with
Love that knows no end

So take my adulterous heart
And turn it into Yours
Take my wayward thoughts
And always mean to me more

In love, life, beauty, and mercy
May You're heart become more of what I see

In the world that surrounds
May Your protection surround me

And blessed assurance that You are mine
Grace and redemption of misconstrued time

I wake up morning by morning
As Your will should drive me
I take time to tell the story
Of how Your love found me

May the people see You
And Your love wash over our sins
To bring peace to a fallen people
Bringing hope that never ends

My Prayer

I see You everywhere
In everything
Reminding me constantly that I need You
I'm just human
Requiring love
And You're always here to give it to me
As if I ever deserved love or peace
But I've come to accept
That I don't have to
Because You've always been enough for me
It just took me awhile to realize

I know I've had my ups and downs
I know that I run
I turn and turn and I fall down
But through everything I've known
And all the places I've been
You were there all along
Calling me
Reminding me that no matter who gave up on me
No matter how many times I gave up on myself
You could see
Everything I was meant to be
And as little faith as I have
Just know that I believe
I believe more than I believe in anything I've seen
You're love captured me
And I'm not letting go
And now
I can accept now that You're not letting go of me

Protect my heart
And be the only one who breaks it
Protect my body
And be the only one who takes it

Let Go

I keep asking myself
Why I don't hate you anymore
I keep wondering
If I'll miss the sore
I'm looking at the phone as if you know
That today brings new things
As the winter brings the snow

I keep praying
Praying for you
Because now your salvation
Means more than a heart made of glue

Today I'll cry knowing
I'll never see you again in this life
But I hope to see you in heaven
I pray that you'll be alright

I contemplated time
And how it never healed my wounds
I looked for love
But it never came from you

I held on because it was the only thing I could do
And when God asked for my heart
I told him that I'd already given it to you
Because holding kept me safe
It kept my secrets
Gave me space

But today I hold nothing
Except a hand that won't let go
And as much as it hurt
I need you to know
That even in the dark times
Somewhere in the depths of your soul
The Truth is waiting
For you to let go

Why don't you love me?

Up and down the street
Walking walking
Hood up and cigarette lit
Contemplating why you won't love me
Wondering why the one before
Didn't seem to like me
I see
That you don't know me
But what I can't see
Is why you don't want too

Am I too rough around the edges?
Or can you already see through me?
And this nasty little cigarette
I know you would disagree
But I hid it from you
So I smoke still
Knowing that the problem is not in my lungs
It's my heart

I cried for forgiveness
And God heard my plea
But no eye has acknowledged me
My cry grows louder
Still occupying this earth
I'm looking for a place to fit in
But once again
I'm stuck in the middle
Redeemed
But not quite who people think I should be

A Gift

Three feet under
Better than six
But I was really getting used to two
I could almost feel the air
There are times when life it too long
Only about 4 hours longer than too short
It's always a short balance we live in
And I'm finding virtue again
In strange places
In strangers faces
The things that I never see coming
Sometimes there is too much love to be honest
There is too much to risk to just come out
And speak as if I really claimed it
And there are babies that pick up the check
For the life choices of their parents
There are children that are too innocent to know
Just where life will take them
There are girls who walk into traps
Almost like they were asking for it
Because the perpatrators
Of course
Are in no way responsible for their actions
Consequences are the way we understand
But the world takes them away
As if they were here to harm
Because who would ever stop sleeping around
If a baby couldn't just be scraped out of their uterus

Don't we just love every second
Of every day
That we can stop paying
Except nothing mends the soul
The way that the body mends itself

And now children stop dancing
People stop loving
Hope fades every second of every day
And no cares enough

Except in small moments
That I wish to live in forever
Where the world fades away to almost nothing
As if I lived in a light
So magnificent that I forget
That sometimes my family can't see me
Sometimes I freeze and I forget to tell them
I'm here
Sometimes people hurt me
And I refuse to admit it
But moments
When it doesn't matter
Because I see people for all their beautiful faults
That make them
Human
And make God
Everything
These are the moments I beg to live in
Alive on earth
But in an illuminated view of what life is
And all it could be
Who people are
And all that they were intended to live for

All is bad
But all is good
And to see the balance where God is ever present
Is a gift

In a Longing

Things move slowly in small moments
Where patience is finding it’s way
Slowly
Very slowly
And things drive along as if knowing
That this were the moment
Before life turned again

I am learning
Yes, I am learning
But slowly
Very slowly
As if nothing ever were
But everything is about to be

And I was there
Yes, today
In the house
Where I grew to know my shame
And yet
I felt a slow sigh of relief
Knowing that shame has nothing on me

I woke up
Many mornings
And I wondered what the day would bring

And at night
For years
I tucked my secrets in beside me
Praying that no one uncover
The truth
Hidden so deeply
But surfacing slowly
So slowly
That I never noticed until the truth was seen

And I broke
But the building began again
More marvelous than anything I wished for
Veiled in meaningless parts of what I refused believe

Yet in this moment
Moving slowly
Remembering deeply
And wondering what kind of Love has found me
I see
Beautiful things
That reveal a glory
I was longing to see

Hold Me Now

It speaks to me.



Jennifer Knapp
Hold Me Now

From the glass alabaster she poured out the depth of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in your love
I can hear her say....

I'm weak
I'm poor
I'm broken, Lord
But I'm yours
Hold me now, hold me now

Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
To say my beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love
I can hear her say....

I'm weak
I'm poor
I'm broken, Lord
But I'm yours
Hold me now, hold me now

Believe

The darkness lays around me
A blanket of cold seduction
Desperate to own me
Slowly prying my feet from the floor
Begging me to run
As if that were a purpose
A calling
Intended by nature

If my soul were ever a light
It could burn through every cell of my body
Begging me to know
That blessings are not earned
But given
And I like all others
Am not unworthy

Yet self sabotage
Is a common enemy
What good is it to know
If I don't believe
That darkness holds no power over me

It just hurts

I'm barely existing today
As if my body occupies a different time
Another space
And I've managed to move one step forward
Just to turn around and walk 10 back

Disappointment floods me as if it were never ending
And every time it's getting harder to get off the ground
These legs are not standing
Because my mind fights
While I move farther away

I'm not sure anymore
But I have to believe
Because that's all I have left
If this is all that life will ever offer me
Than I will forever be alone and hopeless

So if no light shines at the end of my tunnel
And darkness floods my soul
With the feeling of being completely alone
I still have no choice but to believe
That He has better things for me
It's the only way I can survive

Beautiful

Once upon a time
(The only proper way to start a fairy tale)

There was a love
Larger than life
The love that only an eternal bond can create
Existing between two
And only two
Like a great secret
Kept of no selfish reason
But mearly because it could be felt
Like an earth quake
And natural disasters need no words
We just feel

And like any two lovers
They made the world so small beneath them
That it became the dirt they walked on
And the water they drank

Knowing that we bring something to the world
Good or bad or exceedingly beautiful
The love they made
Shaped the flowers
And the clouds
With the very substance of it's beauty
It's well kept secret
And strongest desire

That hearts began to mend
Mothers rekindled with children
And a love kept so separate
That of a lover or a mother
Holds so many common bonds
That we place a great deal of faith there
That for every unjust act
Somewhere people are holding hands
And love abounds greatly
A force we long to know

And that of the lovers
And that of the mothers
Is ours
Is Him
The good days
The friendly faces
The things that make life
Exceedingly beautiful

1

The tears seemed to cascade over the past
That I lied about
And the part that I continue to denie
As if anything could make it worse
Oh, but it could

And I told myself over and over again
That I only answer that phone
Because I got the short end of the stick
I answer because I don't
Have
Anyone
But maybe I don't have anyone
Because I continue to answer that phone

And it's time that I take part in what I can control
Because this is the only life I have
And I've been sitting it out for too long

I've believed in many things
And seen just as much
For all the things I talk about
There are just as many I keep to myself

But after all is said and done
I believe in Love

Catching Memories

There are always left overs of what used to be
Remnants, that if nothing else float
Just swiftly enough
For us to feel them begging to be remembered

Sometimes they form a face
With his strong eyes
And her soft lips
Glistening over his predominant chin

A concoction of lovers
Never knowing
That love is made for beauty
Even if sprinkling itself onto offspring
The the form of a familiar face
That taunts us
Asking so nicely
If we could remember where it was made

And memories are stored in small fingers and toes
Small enough that they could very well
Disappear into a full grown hand
But the touch and the way that every curve was inherited
From another time or place
Is just the way that we are pulled to remember
And when we find truths
Hold on
Because they will get us through many a restless night

Teaching us to be rivers in life
Flowing from one place to the next
But always in the same river
Learning to bend with the land
But never forgetting that life itself taught us to live

The Fear of God

I don't have much to give
And more times than not
I fear that I only love Him out of fear
I can't be sure if that is good enough a reason
But it's not for me
Because He used to be my best friend

Days on end
I wish that I could live
Simply
With few things to call my own
But the little bits of food I eat
Because maybe then I could see Glory for what it is
Instead of seeing but feet in front of me
And gambling constantly with my eternity

I have an alabaster box
But I have yet to know it's name
I pray and pray
That God show me
So today I could lay at His feet

But I have yet to see what I have to give
And I have yet to die a disciple
I have yet to breathe
Or think of God
Without a deep fear

That I'm doing it all backwards
Or upside down
And somehow I have more to give
So much more to give
That I can not even claim as my own
But I hold on to it
Til the day I account for my sins
And on that day what will I say?
For all the things I haven't seen
And all the things I don't know
This deep longing fear
That never lets go

Near to You

It was a long road I took
Making my way to You
And even now it feels like it's only You and I
No matter the company around

Whispering softly
Reminding me how much much I need
You
And how little I need
Of everything else

And I pray that I don't forget
Praying that You're always near

And grant me a simple life
So nothing ever stands in our way
And put love in my heart
So I will always stay
Near to You

Sinner

Many have cried for mercy on a sinner
And I was right there with them
Once again
I cry mercy
On me, a sinner

If there was ever a mistake to be made
I've made it twice
And then again

And if there were ever a reason
A person shouldn't be loved
I've given it over and over again

But if there ever a person who needed love
I've felt that void time and again

So, love me
And once again
Grant mercy and strength
To me a sinner
A sinner indeed

My Prayer

I want a real answer this time
Like we know who I am or where I'm coming from
I just can't shake it
You know?
Like it got out of control when I blinked
Twice in a row
So, now I'm still coming up with reasons
For why it has to end
Soon
I just can't take it much longer
Like I stepped out of myself into a new softer armor
And I'm getting the crap kicked out of me down here
Any advice?
Help maybe?
Or more unanswered prayers
More no shows
And no answers
Leaving me only to wonder
Why is everything so wrong?

It's of no use

I tore everything I owned into rags
Leaving nothing for myself
Until naked I used rag after rag
To wash away the last 6 days
But time remained
Stained
Like blood on my favorite sleeve
Of my favorite shirt

Stanger's Bed Part II

I laid in that bed again
Staring at a familiarly disgusting face
And I stared at it as the clock kept ticking in my ear
I watched his face morph
Turning into everything I hate
And the remorse that I haven't felt in so long
Rose like a Phoenix
And I stepped outside again
With no cigarette to comfort me
Or to burn in the middle of my hand
Just to feel anything

Just that one gut feeling
Knowing that I changed my life again
Not just like any little decisions
But I can't go back
And the very concrete substance of that statement
Scares the life out of me

Once again
Here I am
As if getting older or wiser never did anything for me
It just made me fall harder
It just made the cuts deeper
It just made my skin crawl to the floor
And sit with no intentions of returning to my body

And this broken down body
Has had enough
I can't take care of it anymore
But I'm left with no option of abandonment
Just little pieces of me
Laying on the floor
As I watch them
Roll farther
And farther away

I tried to be my mother for one moment
And look for someone to blame
But can I really blame anyone
For my self inflicted mistakes

And that night
The balcony looked so welcoming
Standing on the edge
Just daring my body to loose balance

I stand on the edge
A wind chime with no sense of melody
Just useless in the very intent of it's creation
Just wishing for something
To save it
But knowing that the wishes dissolve in the rain
So I'll take a drought
To keep hope from being wasted away

Save me
Take me to a better place
Or if nothing else a better day
A better night
A better face to lay beside
Someone that for once just cares

Because in the end I know
That that useless corps laying in my bed
Doesn't give a damn about me
As if I am just taken out with the trash
And recycled for someone else's use

And is it so bad
That I'm exhausted
I'm worn out
And all the forces work against me
And I'm too scared to cry for God to save me

So I drown again
And again

And I watch
As everyone else moves on
To better things
Better loves
Better lives
Anything that keeps them grounded to something
That I've wished for more of in this life

And self loathing was always my downfall
And the wisdom of a father
Warned me about my pride

So walk on by
Just walk on by

Oh Celine!

I'm ridiculously lame. I was making lunch today, listening to Celine Dion, and crying. I'm not upset. I just cry everytime I listen to Celine Dion. It's like a disease. Anyways, I was listening to this one song that I really liked. It's a remake, but everything is better when she sings it. I figured that I would post the lyrics, not because it's how I feel. It's just how I wish I feel.

Oh and here is a visual!







"Alone"
Celine Dion

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight,oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Do I ask too much?

I hate the way that you make it so hard to love you. As if my insufficiency is not screaming loud enough, you scream with it. It does not help that it's already so hard for me. I'm the only one left who doesn't have anyone. I was that girl. Don't you remember? I had it all. I had the personality and the looks and the confidence to be anything and everything that I wanted to be, and the world working the way it does I'm sitting in last place right now. So don't keep pushing me down. My face is already on the ground. It's just one more reason that nothing ever works. One more reason that I shouldn't try because you make sure that I always know just how bad I fail. Then we all wonder why I continue to go back. It's because everyday you remind me that I have nothing to move towards. Is it so bad to want to be loved? or to want forgiveness without your snide reminders being hurled my way as if the blows could just be walked off. I would leave. I would draw my lines and walk away, but the same way that you throw insults at me... that would be the final blow. Some days I just wish you could let me go.

Complete

I dreamt them
Lived them
And went straight back to the drawing board
To dream again

And I beg to dream again
I beg to hope again
If I thought than any of those others would make me whole
I was wrong
And I cry knowing I'll be wrong again

If another person standing by my side
Could ever give me more meaning in life
I would dream again
But I have little faith in the ability of another person
To make me any better

And mistakenly they may think
That I think I'm as best as I can be
But I mearly think
That all the other dreams
Have added more to my experience
But have yet to complete me

And I would be a fool to think
That anyone could make me complete

Glory Days

I waited for you tonight
Fearing that it may have been our last time
And if I heard it again
It could be the real last time
As if being forewarned ever made it hurt less

And I thought of scenarios
Almost the same ones I thought up for
Our unborn child
And none seemed right
Except what is now

I swear I would move all the way on
If there was something to go to
But I drift towards nothing
Only fearing that the best was left behind me

As if I now have
What people once called
The glory days

Working Against Me

If grace ever ceased to exist
It would be today

I know because of the piece of my soul that burns. Knowing all chances may have run out, but I still don't turn... around.

And the beating of my heart
As steady as a drum
Never failing
Never needing

But me, I need more. I need assurance that there is something better than me to live for. I need to know.

It's the way that I sing when no one's home.
The way that I stare out the window when I'm alone.

Thinking that maybe I'll see a little hope. There could be places of which I don't know. Then I just turn around and tell myself that I need not look for a savior anymore.

There are times when I've chalked up my life
To be no more than unfortunate events
And I have now excepted that nothing will go right
But that does not change the way I fear
What's going to go wrong

If no one ever knew that fear was locked inside a child... and when fear had seemingly left because she had nothing left that she wanted to live for. However, under current events she wants to live forever, but realizing more and more that she's out of control.

There were things seeming farther away
And more near
As if constants lost their place in the world
As if dreams were meant to be buried
Under a breast plate
And taken out to war

The things I know. The things I fear. The things I wish I did not know, and the things I'm scared to hope for. If I fear for much longer I don't know what it will do to me.
So, if You are for me, than who can be against me?

The End

You never used my name
Except in a dance with deception
That maybe I could ever think
You knew me

Other than that
I was a side effect of a midlife crisis
I was that girl
My name was easy catch
Blond with a bad attitude
And though I blamed myself
It was perpetuated by you

Yes, you
With your wondering hands
That followed your mind
Perfectly

And I can hear them now
I bet I was the best joke at poker night
As if I didn't know about your count down
To the day I was born
18 years ago

And there is nothing to talk about now
And not too much for thought
But If I've never made up my mind before
I have now

Maybe we shouldn't swear
So I guess I'll just make a promise
If you ever put your hands on me again
I will break them off

Finding Myself

I'm delusional in the morning
And late at night
So considering the little time I sleep
I get about 10 hours of sound mind a day
Cutting my life almost in a third
Of what I could possibly know
And of those 10 hours a day
I spend at least five
Trying to tell myself that tomorrow
I'm going to be alright
And in between a walk and a song
I've found myself before
So after brushing my teeth in the morning
I sing a song
That only serves to remind me
How far gone I really am
So I walk for awhile
Wishing I could be in my own skin
Once again
And see
Everything
And if wrecklessness manifested once in me
As a sense of being carefree
Than I'm almost willing to do it again
Because the only choices I perceive are
A fear free life of hopeless abandon
Or an aware life of endless terror
And neither appeal to me anymore
... but I don't want to die

From Here

Sometimes it hurts too much to talk
And other times too little to let it go
This feeling is abandon
And I'm not sure if I feel it strong enough
If I'm numb
Or if nothing is as bad as it was
I don't want to loose everything
But if I need it to realize that God is all I have in this life
Than take it all
Because we are born too quickly
And die too soon
And I'm not sure if I knew where I'm at
Or where I'm going

Dear Loved One

There is a feeling of betrayal
Standing five feet seven inches off the wooden floor
Reaching for the ceiling fan
And this feelings runs from the superior part of the skull
To the clauses on the bottom of the feet
And it consumes every organ
Flowing with the blood in every region
Heating things up to a boil

And in the mind of a sober semiconscious individual
This is a destructive feeling
But there is a time to love and there is a time to hate
There is a time for everything
And this is seeping into every breathe
Escaping into the world around us

And any normal person may wonder
"How can anyone feel that deeply?"
Well, it's a long process
Trust
Me

It started the day I was born
And still has no visible end in sight
And these feelings went from
Admiration to awareness to disappointment
To distance to betrayal to condescension
To disgust
And now the love is more than I can bear
But the betrayal has cast a shadow
And my logical mind can not even write it off
I destine reasons

Reasons for this
There are a number of events
Right on the tip of the tongue
There is meaning
Rings
Submission
Lack of care
And the ultimate lack of respect

But does this constitute the severing of ties
That people have fought
Blood
Sweat
And Tears
To protect
And who is to say
Does a person ever really have rights
And where do they end in respect to everyone else

They transcend the boundaries of skin
And reach into a quality of life
That we all publicly or secretly want
And in that pursuit
With the purest or most evil of intentions

The feeling of hate is not familiar
Not in this lifetime
But if I were ever to name it
I could almost say that it is here
Sitting next to me
Like a new friend springing up from an old problem
And accepting that we can only change ourselves
We have no ability or right to impose change on another
And we can only know
When someone has destroyed our thoughts and emotions
To the point of discontinuing the relationships
Despite people involved

And now a person must make a choice
And this choice must be followed
Until further notice
Or reasonable change on the part of the other person
And this choice is to listen to the shadow for the first time
And realize that this has all taken a heart
Torn it apart
And it is time for things to be mended
Alone

The Well

You met me at the well
And You knew when I grabbed the hem of your garment
You put down Your stone

You met me at the well again
And never once did condemnation cross Your face
No matter how little I deserved
You gave me everything

But last time I did not go back to the well
Because the well had seen too many of my tears
And I did not deserve to touch anything on Your body
Shame from the inside out took away a gift that you so desperately wanted to give me

And still today tears never run dry in my eyes
Because there has never been gratitude felt the way that it runs through my bones
The way that I’ve found myself face down on the ground
Because there was no where in the world for a sinner to stand

The way that You took my hand and helped me up
How You loved me when I refused to love myself
And time after time I ran into a brick wall and You refused to throw a stone

It’s the humiliation that only we knew
To know I was nothing better than a prostitute who never got paid
It’s the way that You looked in my eyes
And for the first time since as far back as I can remember
Someone really looked at me

Just me

Knowing every sin I carried
Knowing the fear in my heart
And the hatred in my soul

And You never looked at me any differently
As if I were clean

Accidents

I wrote all over my body
All the things that were stolen from my mouth
By fear

I wore at least three shirts
To make sure that no one could read my thoughts
But I knew they were there

And all the fear of what was once perceived of me
Tied me down and clothed me with endless shame
Severing the very cord that connects my brain to my mouth
So all I did was think
And remain as quiet as possible

I was hiding in the shadows
Of the greatness that once filled my dreams
A silhouette of faces meant for me

To know all the things and all the places I could reach
But sitting inside the mind of a baby
As if destruction itself had not taken enough from me

And the words of everyone who ever repressed my thoughts
Ran through my head
On the endless wheels of time
And I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do
There were no choices I perceived

And living a life that was not half bad
But stuck inside thoughts that were destroying the very life force of me
Is never where I dreamt I would end up

This is all just mellow drama
Occupying my thoughts in strange brief moments
When I don't know if I should understand it more often
Or if those moments as just accidents

Were we ever meant to know or understand
Or talk about things when it really does no good
Maybe this is just a rant
Or a frequent verbal accident