Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Wish That I Had Been Brave

I wish that your white hair never reminded me of tombstones and goodbyes
I wish that when I held your hand
The folds in your skin did not look like God releasing your body from your soul
So it would be easier to fly home
I wish that your laugh did not sound just like my dad
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had not been to so many funerals
Was not so well acquainted with cadavers 
Who looked like people I loved
Had  not been so young
And so familiar with death
That I could feel him in your walk 
Sinister smile standing over my shoulder
Coming for us all
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had loved stronger than death
That I had brushed your white hair while you fell asleep
Because it was the only way you could sleep in the end
Wish I had told you that your face has been in every memory since I can first remember
And that I have often wondered if I was the legacy you intended to leave
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that at least
I could have told you that it was not you
It was the ground beckoning me
It was all the pieces of me that I been buried 6 feet under in coffins
Holding bodies that used to hold me
It was the fear of losing
And again
And again

It was the look in your blue eyes
That look just like mine
Reminding me that I am afraid on dying

It was the "Other" section of my resume
Where I put a bullet point for "Saying goodbye"

It was the cold feeling of hands that used to warm mine

Nothing lasts forever
I wish that I had been brave