Sunday, November 30, 2008

Working Against Me

If grace ever ceased to exist
It would be today

I know because of the piece of my soul that burns. Knowing all chances may have run out, but I still don't turn... around.

And the beating of my heart
As steady as a drum
Never failing
Never needing

But me, I need more. I need assurance that there is something better than me to live for. I need to know.

It's the way that I sing when no one's home.
The way that I stare out the window when I'm alone.

Thinking that maybe I'll see a little hope. There could be places of which I don't know. Then I just turn around and tell myself that I need not look for a savior anymore.

There are times when I've chalked up my life
To be no more than unfortunate events
And I have now excepted that nothing will go right
But that does not change the way I fear
What's going to go wrong

If no one ever knew that fear was locked inside a child... and when fear had seemingly left because she had nothing left that she wanted to live for. However, under current events she wants to live forever, but realizing more and more that she's out of control.

There were things seeming farther away
And more near
As if constants lost their place in the world
As if dreams were meant to be buried
Under a breast plate
And taken out to war

The things I know. The things I fear. The things I wish I did not know, and the things I'm scared to hope for. If I fear for much longer I don't know what it will do to me.
So, if You are for me, than who can be against me?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The End

You never used my name
Except in a dance with deception
That maybe I could ever think
You knew me

Other than that
I was a side effect of a midlife crisis
I was that girl
My name was easy catch
Blond with a bad attitude
And though I blamed myself
It was perpetuated by you

Yes, you
With your wondering hands
That followed your mind

And I can hear them now
I bet I was the best joke at poker night
As if I didn't know about your count down
To the day I was born
18 years ago

And there is nothing to talk about now
And not too much for thought
But If I've never made up my mind before
I have now

Maybe we shouldn't swear
So I guess I'll just make a promise
If you ever put your hands on me again
I will break them off

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Finding Myself

I'm delusional in the morning
And late at night
So considering the little time I sleep
I get about 10 hours of sound mind a day
Cutting my life almost in a third
Of what I could possibly know
And of those 10 hours a day
I spend at least five
Trying to tell myself that tomorrow
I'm going to be alright
And in between a walk and a song
I've found myself before
So after brushing my teeth in the morning
I sing a song
That only serves to remind me
How far gone I really am
So I walk for awhile
Wishing I could be in my own skin
Once again
And see
And if wrecklessness manifested once in me
As a sense of being carefree
Than I'm almost willing to do it again
Because the only choices I perceive are
A fear free life of hopeless abandon
Or an aware life of endless terror
And neither appeal to me anymore
... but I don't want to die

Sunday, November 16, 2008

From Here

Sometimes it hurts too much to talk
And other times too little to let it go
This feeling is abandon
And I'm not sure if I feel it strong enough
If I'm numb
Or if nothing is as bad as it was
I don't want to loose everything
But if I need it to realize that God is all I have in this life
Than take it all
Because we are born too quickly
And die too soon
And I'm not sure if I knew where I'm at
Or where I'm going

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Dear Loved One

There is a feeling of betrayal
Standing five feet seven inches off the wooden floor
Reaching for the ceiling fan
And this feelings runs from the superior part of the skull
To the clauses on the bottom of the feet
And it consumes every organ
Flowing with the blood in every region
Heating things up to a boil

And in the mind of a sober semiconscious individual
This is a destructive feeling
But there is a time to love and there is a time to hate
There is a time for everything
And this is seeping into every breathe
Escaping into the world around us

And any normal person may wonder
"How can anyone feel that deeply?"
Well, it's a long process

It started the day I was born
And still has no visible end in sight
And these feelings went from
Admiration to awareness to disappointment
To distance to betrayal to condescension
To disgust
And now the love is more than I can bear
But the betrayal has cast a shadow
And my logical mind can not even write it off
I destine reasons

Reasons for this
There are a number of events
Right on the tip of the tongue
There is meaning
Lack of care
And the ultimate lack of respect

But does this constitute the severing of ties
That people have fought
And Tears
To protect
And who is to say
Does a person ever really have rights
And where do they end in respect to everyone else

They transcend the boundaries of skin
And reach into a quality of life
That we all publicly or secretly want
And in that pursuit
With the purest or most evil of intentions

The feeling of hate is not familiar
Not in this lifetime
But if I were ever to name it
I could almost say that it is here
Sitting next to me
Like a new friend springing up from an old problem
And accepting that we can only change ourselves
We have no ability or right to impose change on another
And we can only know
When someone has destroyed our thoughts and emotions
To the point of discontinuing the relationships
Despite people involved

And now a person must make a choice
And this choice must be followed
Until further notice
Or reasonable change on the part of the other person
And this choice is to listen to the shadow for the first time
And realize that this has all taken a heart
Torn it apart
And it is time for things to be mended

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Well

You met me at the well
And You knew when I grabbed the hem of your garment
You put down Your stone

You met me at the well again
And never once did condemnation cross Your face
No matter how little I deserved
You gave me everything

But last time I did not go back to the well
Because the well had seen too many of my tears
And I did not deserve to touch anything on Your body
Shame from the inside out took away a gift that you so desperately wanted to give me

And still today tears never run dry in my eyes
Because there has never been gratitude felt the way that it runs through my bones
The way that I’ve found myself face down on the ground
Because there was no where in the world for a sinner to stand

The way that You took my hand and helped me up
How You loved me when I refused to love myself
And time after time I ran into a brick wall and You refused to throw a stone

It’s the humiliation that only we knew
To know I was nothing better than a prostitute who never got paid
It’s the way that You looked in my eyes
And for the first time since as far back as I can remember
Someone really looked at me

Just me

Knowing every sin I carried
Knowing the fear in my heart
And the hatred in my soul

And You never looked at me any differently
As if I were clean