tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85132129603078292432024-02-19T03:42:30.453-05:00I Want to Live my Life Inspired"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
C.S. LewisCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.comBlogger389125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-44044244599550913702016-01-15T18:53:00.001-05:002016-01-15T18:53:44.246-05:00I loved You<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">I loved you</span><br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The way I was afraid that I would </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The kind you get lost in, drowns you</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Digs up bits and pieces I never knew were there</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I loved you</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Between the floor boards</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And wood and bricks and sand </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And a world I always wanted</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I wasn’t prepared</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I was afraid of this love</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Since the first time I lost myself </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Never really to be found again</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I didn’t know all the things that can come to the surface</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
All the holes I’d dug in my heart</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And left uncovered</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I loved you</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And that love made the holes look much deeper</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I tried to put your love into them</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Swore this would make me whole</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
You did not fit</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And I blamed you for not being</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
What you were never meant to be</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But my love left me exposed</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Showed me just how many people left their belongings in my life</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Took bits and pieces of me and left memories for the lonely nights</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Made me more fragile than I wanted to admit</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
More afraid </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I loved you</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Almost as much as I loved feeling strong</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Being untouchable is a drug of its own</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And much more appealing</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Than the vulnerability that sprang up inside of me</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
You were supposed to fix me</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I needed your love to fix me</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Too grown for my own good</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
More naive than I meant to be</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I left your love </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
For a sunshine</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
That was burning me </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But looked much like the biggest hole inside of me</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Maybe this love will fit the hole… </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Maybe the next love won’t hurt so bad…</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Maybe my eyes are just opening to broken things</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
That can not be fixed</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Maybe in this world</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The hardest part is learning</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Some pains we just have to life with</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-20078969981859485162016-01-07T11:57:00.001-05:002016-01-07T11:57:23.953-05:00Colors<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">You may call me coward </span><br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Blind, or self obsessed </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
You may call me a depth I’m afraid to reach into </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
A force among complacency </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Never meant to blend </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But dying to all the same </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I walked through shrapnel </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Let my feet snag on objects that once were </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Filed through my list of things, people who I wanted to fit holes </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But they were never the right size</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Never looked right </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Changed me in ways I did not like </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I am a chameleon blaming the world for my change in color </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Setting bombs in my life</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
It is easier to walk away from things that can not be fixed </div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-68152412291832790752016-01-07T11:51:00.001-05:002016-01-07T11:51:08.421-05:00Train in The City<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">The train had too many stops </span><br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Life begins on one of them</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She is sure</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
This can not be it</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
It is at one of those stops</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The lights pass each time the train door opens</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She clutches the bottom of her seat saying</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
… maybe there is something better on the next one </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Waiting for a sign </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Something bright </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Saying this is it </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
This is where your life starts </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The years keep passing</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Like reminders of wasted opportunity </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Of things built and discarded </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The increasing gray on the roads</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Looking for bright lights </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Wearing a ring from the men who was going to give her children</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
A shirt from the one she met last night</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
A little hope that there is a love she won’t break</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The city is lonely </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But the further she gets out the more it smells like death</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Like wasting away</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Hanging yourself on a picket fence </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Waiting for the bright lights to save her again</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-90605118503412696862015-11-28T11:39:00.001-05:002015-11-28T11:39:34.518-05:00I Forgot<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">She is pale</span><br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Has not seen light in so long, she burns easily</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She thinks we are still in love with that boy from the 7th grade</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I forgot to tell her he didn’t feel the same way</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Kept it to myself </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Kept her safe</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She was wrapped up in a corner</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
With the last of my beautiful things </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I forgot to warn her before you found me</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
To tell her that since we last met</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
That I finally found myself beautiful </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
A few times</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And it as much a curse as a blessing</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
The boy we thought we would meet</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Never traveled the world with us</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Or told us we were more beautiful </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Than all the statues and monuments </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
But he still loves us</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Even though he doesn’t know how</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Couldn’t find her in the corner</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Or his own</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Buried under all he is sill afraid to dream</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
While she were gone </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I forgot to be gentle </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Lost my soft footing</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And started kicking rocks</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I told her that’s why she’s been gone so long</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I’m clumsy</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Didn’t know how to hold something beautiful</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Without dropping it</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I don’t know how to stop lying</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
That is who I became when she was hiding </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I did not tell her how many people searched for her</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
With broken pieces and empty words</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I knew she was still naive</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She would try to lean on them </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And when she fell</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She’d get hurt </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I forgot to tell her I needed her</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Forgot that she is strong </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Because she isn’t afraid to dream</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
I pulled my heart out of the last stack of beautiful things</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
Told her I’m lonely </div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
And she’s still so young</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
She believes she can fix things</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-69935855851559963862015-03-12T09:24:00.002-04:002015-03-12T09:24:44.831-04:00I Can't RememberThe ring felt heavy at first<br />
Like a burden<br />
<br />
Now I wish my finger could forget it's weight<br />
Not feel so empty<br />
<br />
I wish I could remember you<br />
What I loved about your hands<br />
The way you made me feel safe<br />
<br />
I wish I wasn't so good at forgetting<br />
And letting love go to waste<br />
<br />
At not rememberingCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-76362659759113948052015-03-12T09:22:00.002-04:002015-03-12T09:22:48.705-04:00Still a ShadowThe distance makes the heart grow fonder<br />
<br />
If this is you than I miss not knowing you<br />
Or knowing a you that looks more like who you would have been<br />
Had you not given on dreams<br />
That will never look like a reality<br />
<br />
Sometimes I still wish...<br />
<br />
That you were still a shadow cast over the darkness in my life<br />
<br />
"if" in my memoirs<br />
<br />
A regret on my list<br />
<br />
<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-45226254601052943692015-02-09T05:43:00.002-05:002015-02-09T05:43:19.396-05:00HumanI took the most sacred parts of myself<br />
And placed them inside of you<br />
<br />
Burried my secrets in your open arms<br />
And believed them to be kept safe in your tears<br />
<br />
Forgot my heart was too fragile to place in another human's arms<br />
That perfection was required to break it's fall <br />
<br />
... and you<br />
Were just humanCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-25863308197035065782015-02-06T05:55:00.001-05:002015-02-06T05:55:14.762-05:00Skipping Beats<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart still skips a beat</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All these years later...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart still knows that when you are around it is supposed to be dancing</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
... but it still skips a beat</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Your name appears on my phone like a memory</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dragging me back to everything I dreamed we could be... night after night</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All those years</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
While my heart was skipping beats</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I called my dad two days after I met you and said,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"I found him. He's the one."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart was skipping beats</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ready to be the first one out on the floor dancing </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ready to rediscover the woman I was meant to be</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Skipping beats</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I taught my heart to dance to a count</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To stay in line</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To keep me living</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The first time you touched your guitar to sing to me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart was ready to fear</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Showing you how human I am</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Skipping a beat</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So, I let you in</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Cracked open my chest</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Said, "I've been using this skin as a distraction."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And let you watch my heart beat a little differently...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The first time you grabbed my hand and asked me to dance</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart fell into yours</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I stayed</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Long after closing hours</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
After I realized that you had my heart</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Without knowing how to hold it</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That your fingers were spread too wide to catch all the pieces</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To realize how fragile the glue was that held me together</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To know that you were the only one</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I ever let in that space</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ever took my distraction off for</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Was within five minutes of arrest</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And cracked my chest wide open</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was only you</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Who made my heart skip a beat...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-19500121674225373312015-01-28T23:31:00.000-05:002015-01-28T23:31:04.277-05:00Sickest The sickest parts of me feed on you<br />
Grow and stay ill<br />
Bury the cough in your chest hoping to raddle your rib cage<br />
... And break free<br />
<br />
I wanted to believe that you were not the poison<br />
But with everything else gone<br />
You are still killing me<br />
Slowly feeding my delravity<br />
Throwing treats to my self hatred<br />
<br />
I am going to save what is left of meCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-36994466091469407352014-12-31T18:00:00.001-05:002014-12-31T18:00:37.396-05:00One Line of Poetry You stole the sparkle out of my eye<br />
<br />
You took my big dreams<br />
Shoved them into a box and told me how little I'd done<br />
<br />
People tell me I think big, like its a compliment<br />
Only because they never saw the giants that used to be my thoughts<br />
Before you strung your "can'ts" together, made a rope and brought my giant to the ground<br />
Now only a shadow of what it once was<br />
<br />
You stole my wings and taught me how to walk<br />
Taught me to think I'm better for not flying so high<br />
There's so much less pressure if you stay on the ground, right<br />
<br />
I wish I had known how afraid you were<br />
How I could handle failure but you were more afraid to think of the possibility<br />
Than to let me try<br />
And sometimes I swear you want me to say thank you<br />
You look my disgraces in the eye and say<br />
"Aren't you glad that was a big fuck up instead of a giant?"<br />
<br />
I should be flying<br />
Should be letting my giants free<br />
Shouldn't be blaming you because I let you get to me<br />
<br />
I shouldn't be putting my fear into strings of words<br />
Hoping they can pull down the walls of my heart<br />
One line of poetry at a time<br />
<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-4250703142733689692014-12-30T12:08:00.001-05:002014-12-30T12:08:55.796-05:00My PrideI ran over my pride<br />
<br />
With my car<br />
<br />
Repeatedly<br />
<br />
I cleaned my tires<br />
<br />
I ran over my pride again<br />
<br />
Repeatedly....<br />
<br />
I took it to the backyard, threw it in the swimming pool. A few hours later I went back out, fished my soggy, beaten up, useless pride out of the pool...<br />
<br />
I hung that useless shit up to dry.<br />
<br />
I'm finding new things to build my life on. <br />
And it's terrible.Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-18627078484169166062014-12-24T11:05:00.000-05:002014-12-24T11:06:32.796-05:00Time Doesn't ChangeI wrote a poem 7 years ago<br />
<br />
It was titled "Contradiction" <br />
<br />
I'm partially embarrassed that there isn't one word in there that isn't true today<br />
I guess there's only so much time can change<br />
<br />
I am still a 18 year old girl<br />
Freshly broken and bruised and ice<br />
With sarcasm that can shame a grown man<br />
Hoping that there are more beautiful things that what she can see<br />
Laughing loudly trying to freighten her own ghosts<br />
<br />
Believing that she was made for more<br />
Than the life she's livingCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-74580187240754998812014-12-24T09:53:00.000-05:002014-12-24T09:53:18.393-05:00PaintingLifetimes are paintings<br />
<br />
And sometimes I feel like my scenery was chosen for me<br />
That these colors swirled into a battlefield before I was done cleaning my brushes<br />
And mixing my colors<br />
Imagining a life that I knew I could have<br />
... if I just reached far enough<br />
Kept my arms open wide enough to suffer the pain and catch the love<br />
<br />
Because they're never too far apart<br />
<br />
I knew my life wasn't going to be easy <br />
That no one was going to give me anything<br />
That like everything else my love would be found dodging bullets<br />
And that the most important relationships would be lived stepping over landmines <br />
<br />
Because someone taught me to distrust everyone <br />
Before I realized it and there were moments when that felt like a fortress <br />
Like the only protection in my painting <br />
<br />
But now<br />
It pisses me off<br />
<br />
I have been fighting for a lifetime<br />
I am hiding behind things too tired to think of offense<br />
I'll settle for this hole <br />
Where I tried to dig enough space to heal from the last bullet<br />
<br />
War is confliction<br />
<br />
It is uniform and chaos and freezing between episodes of being trigger happy<br />
It is fear and panic and unbreakable bonds<br />
<br />
And I am all these things<br />
<br />
I am uniform<br />
I am fear and panic and unbreakable bonds<br />
I am excitement and laughs because I might be dead by the morning<br />
I am love and hope even when that mostly looks like devistation<br />
I am bullets and knives and trying not to break<br />
<br />
I am so many jagged edges that everyone who gets close to me snags their life<br />
Or gets a wound that may never heal<br />
I am sharing my shards under pretty dresses and flitatious smiles<br />
<br />
I am still hoping to throw this all away and paint a new life.<br />
<br />
<br />
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-66301946278667609572014-12-23T11:54:00.001-05:002014-12-23T11:54:52.665-05:00Separated<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">By the time I realized that I've had too many lovers </span><br />
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
It was too late to take it back</div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
There's a reason that my most intimate relationships have been lived in celibacy </div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Because there is a canyon between my heart and my body </div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Nothing reminds me of the distance more than hands on my skin </div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Speaking of the distance it takes to get to my heart</div>
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
The barriers between my body and the whole of me </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I couldn't stomach the thought of the first two being the only people</div>
<div>
Swirling around that place in my life</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I found 3 in a haze hoping he could at least take a third of the space </div>
<div>
Give me something else to think about </div>
<div>
The same way I felt with 4 and 5 and 6....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Until I realized that stacking blazed disappointed on top of tragedy </div>
<div>
Doesn't make anything better </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It just makes it harder to think </div>
<div>
Gives more pieces to sort</div>
<div>
And further separates me heart from my body</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-72249942500507140832014-12-20T19:26:00.001-05:002014-12-20T19:29:38.539-05:00SortedI carefully stacked the thoughts in my head<br />
Afraid that they would climb the walls, seep into the paint, and start moving closer<br />
That they wouldn't have a home<br />
<br />
And it's getting cold outside<br />
<br />
I carefully stacked the thoughts in my head<br />
I laid out a plan<br />
A 12 step program to stay away from Lexipro<br />
And I was on task<br />
Minus a few people I didn't know where to put<br />
Or dreams I didn't know if I could believe in anymore ...<br />
<br />
A few kinks to work out<br />
A few smaller piles to sort<br />
It felt manageable<br />
... Like I might know a few things I want for the first time in<br />
Forever it seems<br />
<br />
I perfectly stacked my dreams<br />
Most important on the bottom<br />
I'll get to it later if I think I can handle disappointment again<br />
<br />
I stacked people<br />
Sorted more like<br />
Into piles with labels<br />
Future and Past<br />
Closer to who I need to be<br />
And keeping me down<br />
<br />
I moved people between positive and negativity and asked myself<br />
... How much more if this can I take<br />
<br />
I'm trying to live intentionally<br />
To love unafraid for the first time<br />
In forever it seems<br />
<br />
But your surname broke me<br />
<br />
My life is not sorted quite as well as I want it to beCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-82452628566196177942014-12-14T21:24:00.000-05:002014-12-14T21:24:13.468-05:00Seat BeltMy heart is walking the line between numb and bad days<br />
<br />
I can't bring myself to wear a seat belt<br />
I'm tired of walking or crawling from these collisions<br />
With but mere bruises ... and bumps... and what appear to be surface wounds<br />
<br />
Because it really does get easier<br />
Not to feel<br />
But I fear my apathy most because there lies no future<br />
No hope<br />
Which seems to take the most energy and I have none<br />
I'm at the end of my rope and I can't figure out what I spent it all on<br />
Or if I just don't know how to take care of myself<br />
<br />
I do not know if you also vacillate between need and apathyCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-53921258272540303212014-12-09T16:12:00.001-05:002014-12-14T20:50:23.594-05:00SkepticI never intended to love your laugh<br />
It all happened by accident<br />
And your eyes are the fear that drives me mad<br />
<br />
I didn't mean to forget the world when I'm with you<br />
But I did<br />
And realized I didn't want to come back down to earth<br />
Never wanted to think through my doubt<br />
But just get caught up in the moment when I realized how your arms force me to relax<br />
Give me rest I've been looking for<br />
And with you it was impossible to fight back<br />
And fighting is the only thing I've ever claimed to be good at<br />
<br />
I don't know how to combat the unpredictability of your love<br />
<br />
I don't know how to live day to day with you and not lose myself<br />
<br />
I don't know how to trust the heart of a skeptic<br />
I don't even know how to trust mineCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-51360951552555087482014-12-09T15:53:00.003-05:002014-12-09T15:53:56.001-05:00I Knew YouYou taste like salty kisses<br />
It was the first line of the first poem I ever tried to write for you<br />
Thinking I would look back on you fondly ...<br />
<br />
The salty kisses used to remind me of the past<br />
I always remember the way that your sweat felt on the palm of my hands<br />
While I touched your back as you lay on top of me<br />
The years went by and I still remembered<br />
The salty kisses on your shoulder while you lay on top of me<br />
Unknowingly symbolizing most of my life...<br />
<br />
I know your skin like prickling discomfort and fleeting pleasure<br />
I knew you as a predictable lover and a temporary drug<br />
<br />
I knew you as death and forgetfullness<br />
<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-932868049091253502014-11-30T12:44:00.000-05:002014-11-30T12:44:11.638-05:00HoleThere's a hole<br />
<br />
It feels impossible to cover<br />
Mostly because it is<br />
<br />
It's in my chest and I've been trying to fill it<br />
Asking people to stop noticing it<br />
<br />
I stopped looking in the mirror.<br />
I don't look in the mirror because it looks back at me<br />
And I see exactly how incomplete my life has come to be<br />
<br />
I grew up thinking that with age I would find more things to fill my life with<br />
More things to make life full<br />
To make it happy<br />
But I've been shedding<br />
Leaving pieces of myself behind and I didn't notice<br />
Until my entire chest seemed to die<br />
I don't look in mirrors<br />
<br />
<br />
I want cold climates<br />
I want shirts and sweaters and jackets and things<br />
To cover my chest<br />
<br />
I have been looking for things to make me whole<br />
Looking for a man to tell me that I'm complete<br />
Even though I'm not<br />
I wouldn't mind filling my life with people who could lie to me<br />
<br />
I have been dating to find my daughter<br />
I have been working to pretend like I would have been a good mother<br />
I am incomplete <br />
And the only person I really want can't be with me<br />
<br />
I don't know how I live on this earth anymore<br />
How to tell myself that with so much of it missing<br />
I can still stand. <br />
<br />
I'm tired of surviving. Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-59953726576040950522014-11-14T07:48:00.000-05:002014-11-14T07:50:37.882-05:00My MemoryI have a memory like bullets on a Sunday morning<br />
<br />
I can't get dressed<br />
<br />
My memory is ill timed and relentless<br />
<br />
Every painful touch of that knit scarf reminds me of how often my ring used to get tangled in it<br />
Every dress is not clothing but a date<br />
A conversation<br />
Holding my hand<br />
Reminds me that I knew what it was like to feel safe<br />
Even for a moment before I threw my dreams away<br />
I am haunted my the feels of my fabric<br />
<br />
I told myself that love and security are not the same thing<br />
But I can't for the life of me remember why I believed one to be better<br />
<br />
I can't find anything in my life that I want more than what I gave up<br />
And for that I have all my options<br />
And can't for the life of me manage to do anything<br />
<br />
My memory is shards of class on the highway<br />
It is chaos and broken and in a million pieces yet they are still all there<br />
Waiting for ill timing to cut me<br />
They are the fragmented voice in my head<br />
They are the reminder that I now know it is like to feel<br />
<br />
... Regret<br />
<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-40220396541579105782014-11-06T00:33:00.003-05:002014-11-06T00:33:46.540-05:00Best Thing I am afraid of my room<br />
<br />
Afraid of my bed<br />
<br />
Exhausted but afraid that if I lay down I won't sleep but think<br />
With nothing to distract my mind<br />
I'll lay wondering what I've done<br />
What I've given up<br />
If the day will ever come when I don't choose to run<br />
<br />
I'm exhausted but even when I sleep there is no rest to be found<br />
My feet are dragging<br />
And I am reaching for anything to distract me from thinking ...<br />
<br />
That you might have actually been the best thing that ever happened to meCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-9396593005787371802014-11-02T20:00:00.000-05:002014-11-02T20:00:32.426-05:00War The closest I've ever been to war<br />
Is the cushioned seat of a movie theatre<br />
The comfort of my own bed<br />
The <i>why can't we have peace</i> mentality in the middle of a hostile world<br />
<br />
I don't know what it's like to hope for peace<br />
To literally save my life<br />
Hanging onto every breath of a man in a suit<br />
Putting people's lives down with a pen<br />
I don't know<br />
<br />
I've watched clips of soldiers with whiskey and cigarettes<br />
Felt sympathy for women passed around like consolation prizes<br />
To dead men<br />
<br />
I am naive<br />
Numb to the death around me<br />
Consumed with my own feelings<br />
So caught up in my own lack of peace<br />
That sometimes I feel like I also might by dying<br />
Feel like God put on a suit today<br />
And placed my life at the end of a ink pen<br />
<br />
I understand what it's like to reach outside myself for comfort<br />
To find moments of forgetfullness in whiskey and cigarettes<br />
To not care how many people have been with the person in my bed<br />
Because it's a few moments outside my mind<br />
A minute of the closest thing to peace I can find<br />
<br />
There is war going on in my mind<br />
Blinding me to life<br />
To the happiness I knew<br />
To having felt protected from the bombs<br />
<br />
I need a third chance<br />
A truce<br />
A fortress from my weary mind<br />
<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-48208776331601636362014-11-01T01:26:00.000-04:002014-11-01T01:26:02.771-04:00LiarYour eyes were introduced to mine as lairs<br />
<br />
They were the bed of a committed lover<br />
And I was the other woman<br />
<br />
Your eyes reminded me to keep my distance<br />
To not get involved in their bullshit<br />
<br />
I knew that outside our weekends those eyes were lovingly looking at another woman<br />
You have the eyes of a liar<br />
Introduced to mine as a disappointing father<br />
And for so long your eyes were the worst mistake of my life<br />
<br />
But now I know that in a way they look just like mine<br />
<br />
I know why you can't find the truth in my eyesCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-80681566951692794772014-10-29T20:22:00.001-04:002014-10-29T20:22:26.515-04:00Halloween It's the onto night of the year that everyone's in my costume but me <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've mourned more than one life that night </div>
<div>
Caught the wind of what could have been </div>
<div>
And when they walked in on me I deflected off the masks </div>
<div>
Told them that like everyone else tonight </div>
<div>
I am pretending </div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8513212960307829243.post-53429433610816132672014-10-29T20:16:00.000-04:002014-10-29T20:16:00.569-04:00Myself I hid my flaws under furniture<br />
And I hoped you would move in before you found them<br />
<br />
I painted the pictures on our walls<br />
I called them my life<br />
And asked you only to see the brightness<br />
<br />
I took myself<br />
Covered the little girl with makeup<br />
And I put my bet on the fact that you'd never wonder why I don't take it off<br />
<br />
I called myself Christian and pagen in the same sentence<br />
And I knew you were too in love to point it out<br />
<br />
I've known lovers<br />
And future husbands but they never embody the same person<br />
<br />
I put myself on opposite sides of the room<br />
And let you think you were insane when you wondered<br />
Why you can ever seem to hold all of me<br />
<br />
I am too old for my age<br />
I'm too young for my life<br />
<br />
I've made people pick teams and play tug of war with my arms<br />
And then sat around<br />
In the middle of the night wondering why I'm almost in two perfect halves<br />
And for all of my accomplishments<br />
I don't who I'm becoming<br />
<br />
I lost myself in planning for the next thingCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05786979230426186539noreply@blogger.com0