Sunday, December 28, 2008

1

The tears seemed to cascade over the past
That I lied about
And the part that I continue to denie
As if anything could make it worse
Oh, but it could

And I told myself over and over again
That I only answer that phone
Because I got the short end of the stick
I answer because I don't
Have
Anyone
But maybe I don't have anyone
Because I continue to answer that phone

And it's time that I take part in what I can control
Because this is the only life I have
And I've been sitting it out for too long

I've believed in many things
And seen just as much
For all the things I talk about
There are just as many I keep to myself

But after all is said and done
I believe in Love

Friday, December 26, 2008

Catching Memories

There are always left overs of what used to be
Remnants, that if nothing else float
Just swiftly enough
For us to feel them begging to be remembered

Sometimes they form a face
With his strong eyes
And her soft lips
Glistening over his predominant chin

A concoction of lovers
Never knowing
That love is made for beauty
Even if sprinkling itself onto offspring
The the form of a familiar face
That taunts us
Asking so nicely
If we could remember where it was made

And memories are stored in small fingers and toes
Small enough that they could very well
Disappear into a full grown hand
But the touch and the way that every curve was inherited
From another time or place
Is just the way that we are pulled to remember
And when we find truths
Hold on
Because they will get us through many a restless night

Teaching us to be rivers in life
Flowing from one place to the next
But always in the same river
Learning to bend with the land
But never forgetting that life itself taught us to live

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Fear of God

I don't have much to give
And more times than not
I fear that I only love Him out of fear
I can't be sure if that is good enough a reason
But it's not for me
Because He used to be my best friend

Days on end
I wish that I could live
Simply
With few things to call my own
But the little bits of food I eat
Because maybe then I could see Glory for what it is
Instead of seeing but feet in front of me
And gambling constantly with my eternity

I have an alabaster box
But I have yet to know it's name
I pray and pray
That God show me
So today I could lay at His feet

But I have yet to see what I have to give
And I have yet to die a disciple
I have yet to breathe
Or think of God
Without a deep fear

That I'm doing it all backwards
Or upside down
And somehow I have more to give
So much more to give
That I can not even claim as my own
But I hold on to it
Til the day I account for my sins
And on that day what will I say?
For all the things I haven't seen
And all the things I don't know
This deep longing fear
That never lets go

Monday, December 22, 2008

Near to You

It was a long road I took
Making my way to You
And even now it feels like it's only You and I
No matter the company around

Whispering softly
Reminding me how much much I need
You
And how little I need
Of everything else

And I pray that I don't forget
Praying that You're always near

And grant me a simple life
So nothing ever stands in our way
And put love in my heart
So I will always stay
Near to You

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sinner

Many have cried for mercy on a sinner
And I was right there with them
Once again
I cry mercy
On me, a sinner

If there was ever a mistake to be made
I've made it twice
And then again

And if there were ever a reason
A person shouldn't be loved
I've given it over and over again

But if there ever a person who needed love
I've felt that void time and again

So, love me
And once again
Grant mercy and strength
To me a sinner
A sinner indeed

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Prayer

I want a real answer this time
Like we know who I am or where I'm coming from
I just can't shake it
You know?
Like it got out of control when I blinked
Twice in a row
So, now I'm still coming up with reasons
For why it has to end
Soon
I just can't take it much longer
Like I stepped out of myself into a new softer armor
And I'm getting the crap kicked out of me down here
Any advice?
Help maybe?
Or more unanswered prayers
More no shows
And no answers
Leaving me only to wonder
Why is everything so wrong?

It's of no use

I tore everything I owned into rags
Leaving nothing for myself
Until naked I used rag after rag
To wash away the last 6 days
But time remained
Stained
Like blood on my favorite sleeve
Of my favorite shirt

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Stanger's Bed Part II

I laid in that bed again
Staring at a familiarly disgusting face
And I stared at it as the clock kept ticking in my ear
I watched his face morph
Turning into everything I hate
And the remorse that I haven't felt in so long
Rose like a Phoenix
And I stepped outside again
With no cigarette to comfort me
Or to burn in the middle of my hand
Just to feel anything

Just that one gut feeling
Knowing that I changed my life again
Not just like any little decisions
But I can't go back
And the very concrete substance of that statement
Scares the life out of me

Once again
Here I am
As if getting older or wiser never did anything for me
It just made me fall harder
It just made the cuts deeper
It just made my skin crawl to the floor
And sit with no intentions of returning to my body

And this broken down body
Has had enough
I can't take care of it anymore
But I'm left with no option of abandonment
Just little pieces of me
Laying on the floor
As I watch them
Roll farther
And farther away

I tried to be my mother for one moment
And look for someone to blame
But can I really blame anyone
For my self inflicted mistakes

And that night
The balcony looked so welcoming
Standing on the edge
Just daring my body to loose balance

I stand on the edge
A wind chime with no sense of melody
Just useless in the very intent of it's creation
Just wishing for something
To save it
But knowing that the wishes dissolve in the rain
So I'll take a drought
To keep hope from being wasted away

Save me
Take me to a better place
Or if nothing else a better day
A better night
A better face to lay beside
Someone that for once just cares

Because in the end I know
That that useless corps laying in my bed
Doesn't give a damn about me
As if I am just taken out with the trash
And recycled for someone else's use

And is it so bad
That I'm exhausted
I'm worn out
And all the forces work against me
And I'm too scared to cry for God to save me

So I drown again
And again

And I watch
As everyone else moves on
To better things
Better loves
Better lives
Anything that keeps them grounded to something
That I've wished for more of in this life

And self loathing was always my downfall
And the wisdom of a father
Warned me about my pride

So walk on by
Just walk on by

Friday, December 5, 2008

Oh Celine!

I'm ridiculously lame. I was making lunch today, listening to Celine Dion, and crying. I'm not upset. I just cry everytime I listen to Celine Dion. It's like a disease. Anyways, I was listening to this one song that I really liked. It's a remake, but everything is better when she sings it. I figured that I would post the lyrics, not because it's how I feel. It's just how I wish I feel.

Oh and here is a visual!







"Alone"
Celine Dion

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight,oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Do I ask too much?

I hate the way that you make it so hard to love you. As if my insufficiency is not screaming loud enough, you scream with it. It does not help that it's already so hard for me. I'm the only one left who doesn't have anyone. I was that girl. Don't you remember? I had it all. I had the personality and the looks and the confidence to be anything and everything that I wanted to be, and the world working the way it does I'm sitting in last place right now. So don't keep pushing me down. My face is already on the ground. It's just one more reason that nothing ever works. One more reason that I shouldn't try because you make sure that I always know just how bad I fail. Then we all wonder why I continue to go back. It's because everyday you remind me that I have nothing to move towards. Is it so bad to want to be loved? or to want forgiveness without your snide reminders being hurled my way as if the blows could just be walked off. I would leave. I would draw my lines and walk away, but the same way that you throw insults at me... that would be the final blow. Some days I just wish you could let me go.

Complete

I dreamt them
Lived them
And went straight back to the drawing board
To dream again

And I beg to dream again
I beg to hope again
If I thought than any of those others would make me whole
I was wrong
And I cry knowing I'll be wrong again

If another person standing by my side
Could ever give me more meaning in life
I would dream again
But I have little faith in the ability of another person
To make me any better

And mistakenly they may think
That I think I'm as best as I can be
But I mearly think
That all the other dreams
Have added more to my experience
But have yet to complete me

And I would be a fool to think
That anyone could make me complete

Monday, December 1, 2008

Glory Days

I waited for you tonight
Fearing that it may have been our last time
And if I heard it again
It could be the real last time
As if being forewarned ever made it hurt less

And I thought of scenarios
Almost the same ones I thought up for
Our unborn child
And none seemed right
Except what is now

I swear I would move all the way on
If there was something to go to
But I drift towards nothing
Only fearing that the best was left behind me

As if I now have
What people once called
The glory days

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Working Against Me

If grace ever ceased to exist
It would be today

I know because of the piece of my soul that burns. Knowing all chances may have run out, but I still don't turn... around.

And the beating of my heart
As steady as a drum
Never failing
Never needing

But me, I need more. I need assurance that there is something better than me to live for. I need to know.

It's the way that I sing when no one's home.
The way that I stare out the window when I'm alone.

Thinking that maybe I'll see a little hope. There could be places of which I don't know. Then I just turn around and tell myself that I need not look for a savior anymore.

There are times when I've chalked up my life
To be no more than unfortunate events
And I have now excepted that nothing will go right
But that does not change the way I fear
What's going to go wrong

If no one ever knew that fear was locked inside a child... and when fear had seemingly left because she had nothing left that she wanted to live for. However, under current events she wants to live forever, but realizing more and more that she's out of control.

There were things seeming farther away
And more near
As if constants lost their place in the world
As if dreams were meant to be buried
Under a breast plate
And taken out to war

The things I know. The things I fear. The things I wish I did not know, and the things I'm scared to hope for. If I fear for much longer I don't know what it will do to me.
So, if You are for me, than who can be against me?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The End

You never used my name
Except in a dance with deception
That maybe I could ever think
You knew me

Other than that
I was a side effect of a midlife crisis
I was that girl
My name was easy catch
Blond with a bad attitude
And though I blamed myself
It was perpetuated by you

Yes, you
With your wondering hands
That followed your mind
Perfectly

And I can hear them now
I bet I was the best joke at poker night
As if I didn't know about your count down
To the day I was born
18 years ago

And there is nothing to talk about now
And not too much for thought
But If I've never made up my mind before
I have now

Maybe we shouldn't swear
So I guess I'll just make a promise
If you ever put your hands on me again
I will break them off

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Finding Myself

I'm delusional in the morning
And late at night
So considering the little time I sleep
I get about 10 hours of sound mind a day
Cutting my life almost in a third
Of what I could possibly know
And of those 10 hours a day
I spend at least five
Trying to tell myself that tomorrow
I'm going to be alright
And in between a walk and a song
I've found myself before
So after brushing my teeth in the morning
I sing a song
That only serves to remind me
How far gone I really am
So I walk for awhile
Wishing I could be in my own skin
Once again
And see
Everything
And if wrecklessness manifested once in me
As a sense of being carefree
Than I'm almost willing to do it again
Because the only choices I perceive are
A fear free life of hopeless abandon
Or an aware life of endless terror
And neither appeal to me anymore
... but I don't want to die

Sunday, November 16, 2008

From Here

Sometimes it hurts too much to talk
And other times too little to let it go
This feeling is abandon
And I'm not sure if I feel it strong enough
If I'm numb
Or if nothing is as bad as it was
I don't want to loose everything
But if I need it to realize that God is all I have in this life
Than take it all
Because we are born too quickly
And die too soon
And I'm not sure if I knew where I'm at
Or where I'm going

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Dear Loved One

There is a feeling of betrayal
Standing five feet seven inches off the wooden floor
Reaching for the ceiling fan
And this feelings runs from the superior part of the skull
To the clauses on the bottom of the feet
And it consumes every organ
Flowing with the blood in every region
Heating things up to a boil

And in the mind of a sober semiconscious individual
This is a destructive feeling
But there is a time to love and there is a time to hate
There is a time for everything
And this is seeping into every breathe
Escaping into the world around us

And any normal person may wonder
"How can anyone feel that deeply?"
Well, it's a long process
Trust
Me

It started the day I was born
And still has no visible end in sight
And these feelings went from
Admiration to awareness to disappointment
To distance to betrayal to condescension
To disgust
And now the love is more than I can bear
But the betrayal has cast a shadow
And my logical mind can not even write it off
I destine reasons

Reasons for this
There are a number of events
Right on the tip of the tongue
There is meaning
Rings
Submission
Lack of care
And the ultimate lack of respect

But does this constitute the severing of ties
That people have fought
Blood
Sweat
And Tears
To protect
And who is to say
Does a person ever really have rights
And where do they end in respect to everyone else

They transcend the boundaries of skin
And reach into a quality of life
That we all publicly or secretly want
And in that pursuit
With the purest or most evil of intentions

The feeling of hate is not familiar
Not in this lifetime
But if I were ever to name it
I could almost say that it is here
Sitting next to me
Like a new friend springing up from an old problem
And accepting that we can only change ourselves
We have no ability or right to impose change on another
And we can only know
When someone has destroyed our thoughts and emotions
To the point of discontinuing the relationships
Despite people involved

And now a person must make a choice
And this choice must be followed
Until further notice
Or reasonable change on the part of the other person
And this choice is to listen to the shadow for the first time
And realize that this has all taken a heart
Torn it apart
And it is time for things to be mended
Alone

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Well

You met me at the well
And You knew when I grabbed the hem of your garment
You put down Your stone

You met me at the well again
And never once did condemnation cross Your face
No matter how little I deserved
You gave me everything

But last time I did not go back to the well
Because the well had seen too many of my tears
And I did not deserve to touch anything on Your body
Shame from the inside out took away a gift that you so desperately wanted to give me

And still today tears never run dry in my eyes
Because there has never been gratitude felt the way that it runs through my bones
The way that I’ve found myself face down on the ground
Because there was no where in the world for a sinner to stand

The way that You took my hand and helped me up
How You loved me when I refused to love myself
And time after time I ran into a brick wall and You refused to throw a stone

It’s the humiliation that only we knew
To know I was nothing better than a prostitute who never got paid
It’s the way that You looked in my eyes
And for the first time since as far back as I can remember
Someone really looked at me

Just me

Knowing every sin I carried
Knowing the fear in my heart
And the hatred in my soul

And You never looked at me any differently
As if I were clean

Friday, October 31, 2008

Accidents

I wrote all over my body
All the things that were stolen from my mouth
By fear

I wore at least three shirts
To make sure that no one could read my thoughts
But I knew they were there

And all the fear of what was once perceived of me
Tied me down and clothed me with endless shame
Severing the very cord that connects my brain to my mouth
So all I did was think
And remain as quiet as possible

I was hiding in the shadows
Of the greatness that once filled my dreams
A silhouette of faces meant for me

To know all the things and all the places I could reach
But sitting inside the mind of a baby
As if destruction itself had not taken enough from me

And the words of everyone who ever repressed my thoughts
Ran through my head
On the endless wheels of time
And I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do
There were no choices I perceived

And living a life that was not half bad
But stuck inside thoughts that were destroying the very life force of me
Is never where I dreamt I would end up

This is all just mellow drama
Occupying my thoughts in strange brief moments
When I don't know if I should understand it more often
Or if those moments as just accidents

Were we ever meant to know or understand
Or talk about things when it really does no good
Maybe this is just a rant
Or a frequent verbal accident

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

There's Beauty in The Telling

There's beauty in the telling baby
So tell me what you know
For only the things we truly know
Can we speak of in any measure of sincerity

Speak to me
As if it were the last day anyone knew you existed
And there was something you learned along the way
That we needed to know

Tell me what more lies behind your eyes
It can't just be blue and white
Tell me what you fear
Tell me what you love

Show me where your heart is going
And let me see it too
Show me where your mind wonders
So I can know you

Because we own these stories
And of all I know
I know
There are people out there with just as much or more to share
And I want to feel the
Beauty
In
The
Telling

Monday, October 20, 2008

Where Is My Soul?

Those lost moments
When something more lies behind
The sky, wind,... and rain
As if a mystical element was added to it all
And I missed it

As if God were more real right now than ever before in my eyes
But I'm father away than the last time I swore it wouldn't happen again
And I reach for Him
But the wind flows through my fingers
The rain drenches my body
And the sky is just beyond my reach
Everything effects the outside of me
But my soul is longing to feel something

As if I've fed my body in hopes that my soul would be satisfied
I clothed my skin
So my heart would not feel so exposed all the time
I've changed everything in hope that nothing would stay the same
And I've ran as fast as I could
Trying to get my life moving

And in it all I know there is a connection between the body and soul
Somehow God seems to be orchestrating it all
But I've lost the connection
And in it all
I've lost a piece of me

Not the sarcasm
The wit
The crazy clothes
And obscene amounts of green tea

Something in the core of my purpose on earth
Is hidden from me
And I've asked God time and time again
But I'm still searching

I still curse Eve for making life so hard for me
Because if He was walking beside me
My soul would be much easier to see

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Dolls No More

You painted my face
And dressed me up like a doll
Whatever kind you liked

You called me when you wanted
And like a good little girl I answered
You pulled on my strings
And like a marionette of this kind
My movements replied

You made me think I was free
By putting a window in my room
But seeing is not the same as being
And smelling is not the same as tasting

You tore off my legs
And I believed you when you said I could walk
You were all of my intentions
But somehow I believed that I did
Whatever
I
Wanted

You broke my heart
And convinced me that I was stronger
Not bitter

But you were not the only one who knew my ways
Like the twisted doll maker

I was fixed up once upon a tattered dress
I was painted again
Right after you erased my face
The strings were stolen right after you tied me up

And now I'm real

Now I don't need you to tell me what to believe

I see with real eyes
And blood runs through the veins of what you once dehumanized
Like life breathed into a corpse

Hope was pumped into my empty lungs
With a sweet sense of not needing to control anything
Just letting a person be really living

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Beautiful Sorrow Resting on my Lips

I may be honest
But just for this one moment
Then I shall return to deception

I never spoke it
And loaded the very moment I thought it
But I can not say on any level
That I never dreamt of our skin laying next to each other
An old fashioned mosaic frozen in time
An emblem of love
Where there was none

Professed

I traded my heart for morals
And never regretted it
Till four moments ago
(Yes I am counting)
I realized that my moral character
Was of no higher a stature for forsaking my heart
Yet I found immorality in more places
Where my heart was not involved
Just this body
So, maybe that was the morality of which I spoke
Not the sanction of my body
But the sacred walls of my heart

The brief moments
The feelings that we may only know once in a lifetime
Living in my dreams more vivid than anything I ever lived
As if to break the mundane repetition of life
Along with my heart
And those dreams
Little bits of hope
That we only hope to find
Keep me going

And this mosaic of our bodies together in immortality
Is hanging on the walls of my soul
Along with all my other forbidden longings
And they have yet to manifest
Only in lies and secret dreams
Accidental appearances
And a need that drags my heart along
Only to break it again
And watch as I go back for more

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Goodbye

I walked around
Hardly breathing
The only form of relief
Was my heart still beating
I looked into the eyes of temporary comfort
My heart broke
And the last beat was wasted in his direction

All I could do was wonder what would have happened
Had I never left?
Surely I would have been destroyed
Or would I?
And I won't talk about it
I won't smile or frown
I am socially unable to feel anything
Just the way it needs to be right now
And I resent anyone who would tell me differently
Don't treat me
As if I were flushed of morality
Because I feel like everyone else
And don't tell me to be happy
Because loneliness will not be cured
With an empty building

My Own Simplicity

I made a profound discovery
To be shallow is not to be simple
If the joy I currently draw out of life
I not more than
Cleaning my kitchen
Or writing a check for rent
Than this moment
I perfect

I don't need fine things
I don't need any friendly voices today
I need my own thoughts
In my own kitchen
With my own silent prayers
And my own artsy music
I need time to flow as a human being
Not a stream

So, in this fleeting moment of clarity
I only believe one thing
These thoughts, actions, or consequences
All belong to me
And I currently answer to no one on this earth

For the love of all that is good in this world
Let me have this moment of quiet peace

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Only Words

I went back again and again
To any random place that might be holding
The misconstrued pieces of me
The wind to the north blew so much stronger this time
I had to follow it just to find
That when given the chance I always
Kept
Backing
Down
And no one pull me up
They just kept
Pushing down
Until dirt became so much a part of me
That no one could see the difference
And then I walked around
Equally defeated

And in the poetic excuses for a real word
I stopped being able to speak
And in the written honesty of all the things I didn't say
I censored out the very meaning

As if
No
One
Knew

That that wasn't me
But an imitation of what I wanted everyone to believe
Once again
I underestimated their ability to see

So, in all the searching
And all the pondering thoughts
Sitting at the bottom of bottles of whiskey
I never realized it was me
In the mirror all the time
And the way I sidestepped a glance
And all the people who knew me
Never realized
That's not what I was supposed to be
Chipping away at the complacency
That begs
And begs
For freedom

The way I did in my teens
At the last layer
The last speck of anything before muscle and bone
There is a thin layer
Of something that resembles me

A mountain of freedom
Covered in a few insecurities
And at the heart of it all
A great capacity
To love

Monday, October 6, 2008

You

This heart knows it would be better for knowing you
But where do I start looking
And what will I find
The days are long
And the nights so short
That I often miss them
And right now
It seems that all worth dying for is dead
And purpose fades into the wind
With every bittersweet breeze that flows
From a backward direction
As if it wished I were with it again

And moments ago I missed the heart ache
The way I despise this numb complacency
This lack of needing more
But that very moment
Was only 5 minutes short of my panic attack
Because I never wanted to go back
I've been floating in this spot for awhile now
And I need something to come along and pull me
Because I never even realized
I'm in the same place
And with much stillness comes much thought
That has been thought before
And to rethink is to over think
As if I needed it

I just want to know who you are
And I just want to know if I can chase you to death
Because if not I will rot here
I just want to die of a burning heart
And I want my last moment to be overwhelmed with love
Maybe I am overwhelmed with love right now
With no one to give it to

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Learning all I Can

This could have been a slow progression
Or maybe it occurred today
But I thought it would never happen
And the farther away I drift the more I think
That I might not have wanted to move on
Or at least as much as I let everyone think

That was my secret
And no matter who knew
No one knew how I felt
And no matter how much this book opened
No one could read between the lines

But today I realized that it has not crossed my mind
The days
The hours
The unspoken words
Have blurred the memory into almost nothing
Leaving behind the ashes of lessons learned
From the fired that consumed my life at one point

I don't long for that voice
Or that touch
Or that deep feeling of regret and longing
I simply am
With the deepest awareness of what has gone wrong
And everything that could go right

A sense of calm reverence
And a slight touch of hope
That means I have finally felt my life
And learned to accept it
For all the good
And all the bad

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Fear

Noticing everything
Holding on so tightly
That not a moment
Or a breath
Can possibly slip past me
And If I take it all in
Do I die with no regrets
Or even become immortal
With my mark on everything I saw
Just controlling enough
To fear what they will say at my funeral
Just deceptive enough
To wonder what lies will come undone
Over casket gossip
And who will ever know the truth
If I'm not there to orchestrate the distance
And I've overestimated my importance
Embracing fears as I run through life
Like they are charms on my bracelet
And I can hardly hold my arm up anymore
Just promise me that it's true
Let me know I won't just disappear
That there's somewhere else for me to go
That people in heaven will talk to me
That someone will hold me
And I won't cry like I do here
I just need reassurance
Or insurance
I just need to know
But the only thing I do know
Is that only death will give me any answers
So I will just have to wonder until then

I pray that the Lord take me into His arms one day. I pray that I never miss a moment. I pray that I don't have to be enough, because that's the only thing I can't seem to be.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Feelings I Fear

The feeling of deep sorrow
Contemplating regret
The feelings that I fear
And only in the middle of a storm of desperation
Will I even admit
That these thoughts sit just outside my conscious
Begging to be noticed
And for all self professed strength
All the times I spoke of opposing things
They still refuse to leave
While I refuse to let them stay
And come to life
As in
My desperation for his love
My refusal in standing alone this time
A fear of failure
A fear of success
Of life
A phone call in the night
A voice that awakens memories so sweet to me
And then a shot of whisky to wash down the after taste of a bad dream
It's the way I see the world in the morning
And how it appears at night
How fragile my mind is
And how scared I really am of knowing my own darkness
In pretending to stay sane
A facade of contentment
A wave of confidence that I try to grab onto
Until it is gone again

It was the last place I wanted to be, inside my own mind. It was the last thought I ever wanted to think, that maybe I just was not good enough. So, after 3 hash brownies and 3 beers I became more aware. I don't know where to go from here.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Dear Parents

I pray the future doesn't lie in retrospect
Lightened by mistakes
There should be a clear way
Back
Into the graces of protectors
To love
In spite of the incessant need you have to be needed
Just let me love
Speaking should be easy
At least to you
The first I ever spoke to
But words solidify in my mouth
Along with the tears in my eyes
They go hand in hand
And I'm still too weak
To let you see me cry

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Watch It

I gave you time
And to thank me you took mine
Oh, you never learn
Love me once
But never again
Because over on this side of town
We don't play that game anymore

We choose the high road, baby
We wave and walk by, baby
So regret if you like
Learn if you want
But baby, it's not my concern
Because I was wrong once
But it doesn't take me two falls
To learn to watch my step

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Letting Go

I feel like I have so many things to say. I first thought to put them into a poem, and then I thought about keeping them to myself. Now, I feel like I just need to talk it out, even if I'm actually just typing it to a computer screen because I'm just that cool.

Well, confusion has set in and made a home for itself in my heart. I know that God is not the author of confusion, so in other words I know this isn't from God.

My first confusing issue is when is it time to give up on someone. That sounds like a terrible thing, but we do it all the time. I'm so adamant about having boundaries in relationships. However, I've found that sometimes my heart gets in the way of my brain and things don't go how I planned. For instance, I feel like I can see through people relatively well. So, even if someone is a complete jerk I can still see a good heart. Now the problem arises when I don't know whether to leave because that person's a jerk or stay because they have a good heart. I've always believed through all my experiences that we all have things to learn from people. I've learned something from everyone who's ever been in my life. Some of the experiences were bad, and other were very good but I learned something either way. So, what do I do when it's a bad and good situation. Do I leave because it's bad and accept that I've learned all I can from this person, or do I stay because I truly see great potential and things that I still feel like I need to share with them. And who knows? Maybe I've already shared everything I can and I just need to step aside and realize that I can share, but I can't make anyone take it to heart.

It's just so complex. I just know that there are some people in my life who need to change or leave, because it's slowly turning into a bad situation and it's just not good for my heart. I just feel like some people still need me, whether it's my advice, or because I can show them love, or just to crash on my couch. However, I've recently discovered that maybe the reason I stay through so much with people is because I need to be needed more so than they actually need me. This is a hard one for me to swallow. I know that at the end of the day everyone does what they want, but I also know that every now and again a callused heart with open up and if I can just catch that window I could really help someone realize how great they were intended to be. I just don't really know what to do.

So, if anyone has any advice... feel free to share.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Take Me Away

So, in the midst of my crazy life I had a slight moment of inspiration today on none other than the streets of Atlanta... so here's my inspiration.

I found a home today
At the end of Broad St
Between the two tallest buildings
In the middle of a breeze
Underneath the smell of the streets
And an ear shot away from "You're beautiful baby"

With my hair pulled back
One strap of my shirt slipping down my shoulder
And my pants riding on the low side of my hips

For a long time now
As in several months
I've often found myself
Wanting a home of my own
Because childhood homes have grown stale
And my renting residence coincides with suburbia
A little too much for my taste

But all summer I stepped off the bus
At Peach Tree and Lucky
Just in sight of my favorite little building
And without even knowing it I made a home
Just for me
In the middle of an Atlantian breeze
And smack dab on the street
And wherever that street will take me

Friday, August 29, 2008

This Is a Story Of Redemption

So, today I was on a bus. Yes, my summer friend (the bus) and we got reacquainted for a little over an hour. Generally my ipod is my time-passer of choice, but today I went the book route. For about a week now I've been reading Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. I originally chose this book from a list assigned for extra credit in Abnormal Psychology. I looked through several options and my general curiosity to understand problems that occupy the world I live in... won out. So, I began to read a personal account of a renown journalist and her alcoholism. My first thought on the book was that it would be interesting, but nothing that hits to close to home since I myself and none of my immediate family are alcoholics. However, as I was sitting on the bus ending the last fourth of the book I realized that addicts share many trates and all of a sudden a general interest in a school assignment hit home, very close to home.

Caroline spoke of her upper/middle class family. She spoke of being the daughter of a Freudian Analyst and an artist who were always "appropriate", secretive, and collected. She did not come from a family of alcoholics, she was not beaten or molested. She came from what looked like a perfectly fine family, and she often wondered why she turned out to be an alcoholics because she could never exactly point out what caused it. I often felt the same way. It's like being stuck in a gray area and I just wanted to go to the doctor and them tell me I was ill and send me away with a fix. However, addiction is not like that, and I, being the daughter of a pastor, felt that I had no excuse to be caught in the life I lived.

It's just a life stuck in gray areas and places that can't be defined or understood by people who have never lived them. I began to read more and she mentioned being at AA meetings and how addictions travel in pacts, rarely ever do people just have one. Many of her friends in her meetings (predominantly women) struggled with eating disorders. This passage took me back to many memories that are several years old. As I read about the habitual things people did who struggled with eating disorders I remembered every time that I did the exact same thing. I remember going running because I felt that I needed to punish myself for being hungry. I remembered that after I had not eaten more than 200 calories a day for weeks I ate a half of a cake in one night and I was in so much pain that I thought I was dying. I vividly remember walking into the living room and beginning to cry as I walked towards my mother. Through my sobs I got out "I didn't mean to eat that" to which my mother replied "No one made you do it" and I took some napkins, walked out into the woods, and rid myself of the cake. That was my first addiction.

I read more as she recounted all of her sexual experiences that she couldn't get out of so she drown them in alcohol. She described them as "surreal" as if she was never even there. This brought me back to the present. The very thing that "no one understands" in another persons words. I read my own thoughts in another persons autobiography. Then my mind began to run a thousand miles a minute.

I've compartmentalized my life and forgotten how much my addictions are effecting my current life. I used to be addicted to morphine. I used to do drugs. I used to drink too much. I used to mess around with boys at parties just in time to disappear. I used to do all that stuff. It's been a long time since that stuff, in fact it's been so long that I've convinced myself that that wasn't me. For the millionth time in my life I overestimated my own strength just in time to face plant into the ground. So, now where does this put me?

Well, my life has been great. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count. I got sober, and started devoted my attention to learning how to developer healthy relationships. However, this summer there was a slight set back. A certain event sent me into a slight whirlwind and I found myself in an all too familiar place. I found myself downing alcohol while I lay there praying it would end. I found myself smoking just enough weed that I couldn't recall anything. I found myself being the person I "used to be", except this time I don't know if it's because I'm older, because I've seen more, been through more, or because I found a sense of morality, but there is a voice deep in my soul that won't leave me alone and all it ever says is Catie suck up your pride and leave it alone. Run because you might not make it back again.

I decided to give this all a little more thought than normal because the issue faced me head on the other day. I found myself spilling a little more than may have been necessary to a good friend. It wasn't really the conversation that made me question my lifestyle as much as my reaction to the conversation. He told me that it's going to be alright, and all I thought was apparently you didn't hear me. Then the conversation progressed and I found myself staring at the ground with a thousand things running through my head and I'm not sure if I've ever felt that misunderstood in my entire life. It was not anything he said. It was a feeling of not really understanding it myself, and knowing that no one else really could either. There I was in the same place I "used to be." In a moment of desperation when I knew that I had to do something. I couldn't go back. I couldn't half way do this. It's time to commit to change. Right before I left my friend suggested that I write down things that I need to change and ways to accomplish this. So, I began my walk home. I was walking in the dark thinking of all the things I needed to do and everything seemed so gray and unsure. I was desperate for something concrete. I was desperate for a sign(which I generally don't even believe in). So, I started to think about the reasons I changed last time, and I remembered a story. It related very closely to the "surreal" experience that Caroline so perfectly described.

It was the second week of college and I got a call from a friend who wanted to go to a bar and play trivia. I went with all intentions of returning to my room at the end of the night. It turned out that I couldn't leave. I was taken back to the friends house and it didn't take me long to realize that he never had any intentions of taking me back, and I was stuck. So, as we entered his apartment he made me a large glass of coke and rum (10% coke and 90% rum) so as I realized my fate and fear began to run down my sleeves I downed the drink and followed him to his room.

That was it for me. I realized that I was gambling with the house, and it you play long enough the house always wins. So, as I was driven back to my dorm at 5:00am and dropped off I walked in utterly defeated. I'd played a game too long that I never had the business to play in the first place. So, as I walked down those dark streets recalling that moment. I started to feel the first sense of clarity that I've felt in awhile. I realized that the game only gets more dangerous. It doesn't really matter what I have been through or what has happened to me. I can't do it again.

So, I started to pray on that street. I haven't prayed in awhile except while drunk and very angery at my life. However, as I began to pray I realized another reason that I left that life behind me. Jesus is the only person who has ever understood me. He's the only connection I've ever had to a real feeling of intimacy or love. He gave me a chance to start over, and amazing friends, and a million opportunities to love people. For that, I'm eternally grateful, and for that I can't go back. I don't understand why the incident this summer occurred. I don't understand a lot of things, but there are some things that I'm not supposed to understand. All I need to know is that there is a chance for real love waiting for me. There is a chance for freedom and I don't have to earn it and I don't even have to deserve it... all I have to do is reach out and grab it.

So, all this turned out to be is a story of a girl, a life, a great God, and all the beautiful things in between. This is a story of redemption.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Taste of Death

I used to wonder why everyone said the same thing
Including my dad
"This is just life
Take it for what it is"
It seemed silly that no one wanted me to dream

I felt like I invented passion
Because I seemed to be the only person that possessed it
Or maybe the years not only killed everyone
But made them bitter, angry, and complacent with life
And I dreamed that there was so much more to life
Than what everyone else had
And I always refused second place

But the years have found me
And I'm not sure if it's premature
But this is my life none the less
And I don't feel that I can change it anymore
So, maybe I will just accept it

Maybe the part of me that always needs to be better
Will die
And let me settle in peace
Maybe this time I won't look for love in anymore places
I will just accept it's absence

Maybe a part of me will die
So the rest of me and live
Maybe I'll learn
Maybe one day I'll be able to love

But right now this is my life
And I'm learning to accept
That this might be the best I ever get

Sunday, August 24, 2008

All I Asked Was that You Remember

This was the most beautiful morning I can remember
And none of the beauty was anything I could grab onto

It was not filled with great victory
Great love
Or a beautiful flower blooming through a bed of thorns

In fact,
This morning was filled with sorrow
And the nights before with little hope

But this morning there was a strong wind
The air was dry
I felt Summer being blown away
And as my hair blew in locks across my face
I knew that Hope was in the breeze
Whispering a secret
And if I could only stand still long enough
I might know what life is holding for me

Standing,
On that street corner looking for the sun to appear
Over the top of high rise buildings
Tears began to softly flow down my face
Being dried by my hair as it whipped around in the breeze
And I could not name those tears with the loneliness
That floods my soul and runs over into the streets
And joy never showed itself where I could see
And the sorrows had cried all the tears that they would ever find

Those tears where life and the overwhelming choices that are
Set
Before
Me
All of them changing my life indefinitely
And I have no direction
This moment is too small for life
So the excess is running down my face

I looked up
Realizing that I'm a vagabond
In a strange land
That feels as much like home as anything I've known
No family
No where to go
And I can't find anything
Except a cross walk sign
That I've officially missed seven times
While standing in the one moment of peace
That I've felt in a long time
And i took one more step
Out into the street
And after all the wind had spoken to me

All I replied under my breath
Through my hair
And into the breeze
Was
"Please, remember me"

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Cast Out

Did I ever tell you how much I love you
Did I ever let you know
That you were my hero
When the world was new
And I had yet to grow into my fingers and toes
Everything I knew was you two
The lighthouses on the ocean that I was about to set sail on

I thought you were perfect
I wanted to follow every step you took
And mimic every move you made

It was if everything good in the world
Was in your eyes
And all I did was look at them all day

But time caught me sooner than you thought
I just wasn't your little girl anymore
And I saw your mistakes for the first time
But don't think that I ever thought anything less of you

But you changed towards me
You covered up and became ashamed of what I could see
As if you resented me for knowing the truth
And I wish I could tell you how much I love you

As heartless as I can be
It never stops stinging when you get angry at me

I've tried to count the times I've failed you
Keeping a tally in my head
But I lost count long ago
And I wondered when you would realize
How hard it has been for me to grow

And the new sets of baby fingers and toes
Are you're new blind objects of affection
But my love never changed
And I've told myself over and over again
That you love me unconditional it's just hard for you to show

But through everything
I never thought that our paths would bring us here
Empty
With nothing to show for a 19 year relationship
As if whatever number time this is that I've failed
It's the end of grace
And I was never forewarned

I just wish that you would tell me I've done something right on this road
That maybe it's your scars
That cast me out in the cold

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Way You Move me

All the prayers that I've prayed
And all the words that I've written
Never seem to capture the feeling I get when You're near me
It's as if everything that was impossible
Appears in a new light, so near my grasp
And it no longer matters that I can not speak eloquently
Or write poetically
And the way my heart beats can not be contained by my scant vocabulary

And for the first time I understand real love
I feel for the first time
And I know that where I am today is where You want me

I know that the days I don't see clearly
And the moments that You're hands are not near me
Are number by the grace You've bestowed upon me

And death no longer seems punishing
It's beautiful
To know that one day I will forever be with You
And now forever
Doesn't seem long enough

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Uncovering Victoria's Secret!


I randomly decided to let everyone know that my first day at my new job is tomorrow. WooHoo new job!

Yay Panties...

... except I must find a way to get over my fear of picking out stranger's sex clothes...

That's a problem

Monday, July 28, 2008

How's Your Life?

Is life how you wanted it to be.
Does everyone bow at your knee
I know
I was a bump in your road
And when you think back about what went wrong
I just want you to feel that twinge of pain
To let you know the fear of things never going your way

And your life
What does it feel like to have to lie?
Does it hurt to know that you're alone all the time
And the people you thought would stick around for life
Where are they now?

At night
When you realize you don't like your life
I hope you know that we all choose are path
Sometimes we just can't admit what it right

And if one day the paper house you live in
Blow down
Find me and let me know
So I'll be able to see that things always turn out how they should in the end

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Live For

Sometimes I'm not so sure about this life
The only thing I know for sure
Is that it will eventually kill me
And the more I look the more evil I see
I wonder if it's possible to get things right
Or are we all doomed to fail?
And someone failed to mention it

I just need to see a miracle
I need to see something beautiful
Arise from this dark shadow
That falls over mortality
Like the shadow of death
As it creeps upon us
And the moment when no one speaks
Because we all feel it

I just need more to live for
And I need more to die for
I just need more
To believe in
To see a purpose in things that only I can see

And when I know where this breeze ends
I should follow
And see that there is a reason I know
And for some reason I see
It just never seems to save
But it takes my morsel of hope
And
Breaks
Me

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Storm

The wind was blowing my hair
The same way that it was blowing the tree tops to the ground
Tears began to flow down the side of my face
And for a moment I wished the wind would tunnel
And take me away

I used to love the way the sky turned green
Right before a tornado
I used to watch the lightening strike all around me
And wonder what else was out there for me

But I can't do it anymore
The wind blows traces of old days across my face
And the best memories are also the worst
And they all hurt equally

I've just been running for so long
But no matter where I go
There is always the same smell before the wind blows
And the lights dem the same exact way

As long as I'm on this earth I will never escape
What happened
I can't drive around this town anymore
I can't even look in the mirror
Because my body bears the scares
That I placed there to suffice
For my crimes
Against
Myself

Have I always been this way?
Will I always hate the rain
The way that it washes over me
But never washes me clean

I just sit inside and listen to the wind
Wanting to be in the action
But I can't go alone
I just want to be at peace in the storm

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Remnants

If the remnants of love left nothing else
They made me fearless

But if nothing else I'm left a skeptic

Of the lies that passion must convince people of
And so another must prove himself
Before I jump again

Do the pedals of the past always fall so hard?
And must they always find a home, with me?
Loving me more than they did before
Calling me back to something I knew before

But if life has taught me nothing else
I know that the plans I have made
Always fall short
And the things that seem greatest
Always leave me disappointed

So, make a plan better than the past
And lead me to where I could never take myself

Because love was never made to hurt like this

Burn

To just love me is not enough
I want you to burn with me
Some of us are born with this insatiable need
To burn with passion

And I don't want to break anymore of them
I just want to find a fire
That burns as bright as I can
So, together we burn

While the world gathers 'round
To warm their hands

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

God's Grace

I've been looking for you my entire life
Out of the corner of my left eye
While I prayed that I'd never find you
Maybe I wanted to believe that every mistake I made
Would only effect me

And believe me when I say
There was something in your eyes
That told me right away

That my life would forever be changed after that day
And trials will still come
The wind will still blow
But after everything I've learned to know
I don't want to walk the earth alone

So, take my hand
Ask me for our first last dance
Play my song
And tell me that you hoped for this all along

Heaven seems to be one of the many things I don't know
But you just taught me how to let go
And enjoy what little pieces of heaven God put on earth

Now I can't seem to remember
Why I wished I would never find you

But I know that you are a piece of God's grace
And in the same way you sought me

July 16

I feel like today is going to be a beautiful day, and new day for me to let all my worries go. I decided that this is all in God's hands now, because I keep screwing everything up.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Scandalous

I wrote this awhile back, but it's one of my favorite poems so I'm reposting it!


I wore that scandalous shirt
And I saw you look my way
I formed that familiar sly smile on my face
While I shook my hips and stepped away

And you thought I didn't know what I was doing
Why would I purposley...
Wear a short skirt and step straight into a breeze?
But then again... you don't really know me

And then... how was I supposed to know
That shirt was transparent
And... of course
Those black lacey undergarments were the only thing that was clean

So, don't let my blue eyes fool you
I'm not naive
And I know your thoughts all too well
So, I sit back and drink in the sweet taste of victory

That one last party
And you guy number 4 of the night
(shhh... it's a secret)
I knew that look in your eyes

So I took my body
And it took your self control over the edge
There was lust bleeding out of your eyes
And I was looking at everything from the outside

It was strange how you thought about me for weeks
And I conveniently forgot your name
And that same night that replays over in your dreams
Never meant a thing to me

So what happened to me when I reached that place
When all pride was stripped away
And power had been pulled from my hands
One
Too
Many
Times

I just snapped
And what you took from me
I took from everyone else
Just
For
Fun

And now they pay for your crimes
I didn't care about a single soul
And I would have used them all
If I could only take you for one last bad ride
And walk away while you were still stuck on that one last slide

So, all those boys
I chose for a reason
Because they were easy to seduce
And easily attached
... and intoxicated

And when they got upset I laughed
And when they couldn't let me go I laughed a little harder
Pathetic and weak
So I treated them the same way you treated me

So, this beat up body had one more purpose
To take the weakness of the earth
And destroy them with it

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Cry Mercy

A shadow waits for me in the dark
While I wait for life to invite me back in to grace
With more than a familiar scent
To keep me company while I wait in sin
Your sin or mine
Does it ever really make a difference?

An old rose grows beside me
Bleeding all down me
Where have I seen this before?

And the beauty in the secrets I keep
Has turned on me once more

This is life
I'm living the only one I have
And I have a strange feeling that before I entered the world
I was expecting so much more

Am I now discovering dark sides of myself
That were there from birth?
Did I invent this fear?
Or is there some evil in the world
That I never felt before.

The worst thing
Is that I know all I need is a breath to save me
But I'm waiting
With no reply

So, I sit by the rose
And let the familiarity cover me
While I cry mercy
Cry mercy

Monday, July 7, 2008

Blessed

This is not a poem, so it looks a little strange on my blog. Oh Well! I just feel like rambling and this is my personal space where I can do so. Today, I was thinking and I realized how blessed I am. I'm happier with my life now than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm not happier because it's less stressful or everything is going my way. I'm happy because I know that God is always by my side, and his mercy is sufficient for me (and I do require a good deal of mercy). I have amazing friends who are always there to laugh with me or cry with me or punch me in the face when I do something stupid and try to dance around it.

I think I just get a little too caught up in things that aren't important. I mean school and a place to live and a job are all important, but while I'm spending all my time looking at myself I forget to look around and see how blessed I really am.

Wherever I am today is right where God put me, and I can feel the sun shining on my face.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Staying Here

Always slow motion
In an attempt to reverse all the notions
That I had
Before I knew
That I never really knew anything
And in my life
I'm constantly nailing myself to the wall
So, I don't run
And the feeling that some fear
I find comfort in

No one knowing me
By NAME

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

My Waking Dream

The song replayed over and over
Like it was the melody of my body
As I continued to breathe
To the same tune of my heart beat
And thoughts fired more quickly than my mouth could speak
Which is why I was silent
With no more than words
Playing over and over
And to hear the same tune
Playing over and over
On the radio
Always caught me by surprise
Because it seemed like it was always mine
And I wanted the words to become my actions
To stay here
To lay here
While the clouds moved over us
Like the dew on the leaves as they wake from sleep
And the clouds would soon bring night
While we stayed there
Not moving
Just listening to the sound of our breathing
To know that we were alive
In a trance
And together
Which is all that ever really mattered

But now I want to drown out that melody
As bittersweet as it was to me
I can't stand to hear my dreams
Sang to a drum beat
With the world listening in
As if I could never keep a secret again
I still watch the clouds sometimes
I just don't speak of it
As if it were one of those moments
That is so intimate that it was not made for another's ears
Just me
Watching the clouds call the night
While I close my eyes
And feel you resting by my side

The moments where I live in my day dreams
And never want to arise from my waking sleep
It's just me
Drowning in a pool of dreams
That are so much more precious to me
Than anything else I've ever seen

And my father may call me obsessed
My mother may say that I've fallen on the wrong side of a swing
But these dreams are just for me
To live in a place where life was simple and sweet
And all I ever wanted
Was for you to forget the world
And lay with me

Friday, June 27, 2008

Wear my Wounds

We never tattooed bitterness onto our bodies
But we froze it onto our souls
Turning us into ice
From the inside out

Well, maybe he should have cut off his ring finger
And maybe I should have tattooed a skull over my heart
So we could wear pain on our sleeves
Instead of crying for help where no on can see

I've spent so much time chipping away at my ice
Just to watch more form in it's place
And no blemish on my soul can go unnoticed
It always finds a way to show

My ice first became promiscuity
Then it turned into shame
Emptiness
And now it's anger

And no matter how used to my ice I've become
Or how many times I've tried to torch it
I still can't walk away
Not when I see your face

Like yesterday
You stood behind me
Pretending to have found something I'm lacking
But no matter what
I know that your soul is frozen solid
And one day you will destroy yourself
At the hand of your own pick

The only thoughts that linger when your shadow left
Is that I can run the pick straight into your heart
And tattoo the sin on my body
So everyone will know
That love walked away with the best of me

Friday, June 20, 2008

My Life Made Up of My Moments

Is it not enough to wait
Or to pray

When nothing seems to be okay
And every time I just sit and wait

Life is moving too quickly
And for the first time in a long time
I'm falling behind

I've never caught a break
I've never seen life the way that I see it today

This is the long awaited stand still
Like the eye of the storm

With everything raging around me
I feel a momentary sense of peace

But in all this I still know
The second half of the storm is still coming for me

All I have to do is keep my head on straight
All I have to do is keep up the wait

With the clothes on my back
And the worn out shoes on my feet

I just keep moving
Pacing myself for what I still have to go through

The only different between me and everyone else today
Is that I can see what I must face

And some people never know pain
Some people invented it
But I must learn to love it
Because right now
It's my constant companion

So, hit me with your best shot baby
Because I'm still playing

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Like It Was Yesterday

He didn't destroy my life
He just changed it
A little more than everyone else who walked right in

Shadows fall on every word he spoke
But every feeling lives deep in my soul
And the words will fly to the wind
The dreams will get caught in a little picket fence
With paint only half dry
But I will grasp the way I feel with an iron fist for my life

In retrospect I can see that I never saw clearly
And now I don't act anymore
I just react
I pay someone to understand
And even he has no clue who I am

And night after night
I pray for God to lay with me while I sleep
But the attacks still hit me quite frequently

I don't love my friends as much as I should
I'm a repel everything that touches me
But I was more like a puddle of mud
When it actually counted

Everything is backwards
And then someone is sent to turn it all upside down
Just to prove that I can't stick to anything
And I can't really love anyone

No matter how hard I try to be there
People who have built the best parts of my world
Still bleed at night

I can't control it
And I can't help but be disappointed that I didn't see it

Failure doesn't follow me
And innocence didn't leave me
And most of all he didn't find me
I sought it out
And I drove it away

No matter where I should place blame
I still carry it all around with me
Like it was yesterday

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Deadly Secrets

No one is without secrets
Events
Feelings about the events
Feelings about themselves
Other people
Or thoughts we would never admit that we have

Sometimes we become totally unaware of our secrets
Obsessed
Tormented
Accepting
Or even apathetic

Maybe it is time for confessions
Or maybe secrets protect us from being completely destroyed

But this is a momentary pause in life
For a little confession of my own
(Confession is good for the soul
Or so I'm told)

Of all the times I hated or loved myself
I could never seem to understand
How could a boy like him get a girl like me?
Well, not easily and not lasting
And as much as I hate to admit it
I always knew that I was better than all that

For all the love I have or thought I had for him
There's still always a part of me that wants to watch him burn in hell
And these are my deadly secrets
My shameful thoughts
The things that I have reasons for
Many many reasons
But no excuses

And the only time I ever really cried
Was when he forgot how much he "loved" me

These are the things I won't ever tell

So,

God help me be humble
Help me love
Help me truly believe

We Live

Live
Love
Laugh
Cry
Take in every moment of life
But never forget that it's all disposable

Take the people you love
And learn to run
Fly
Use freedom to say goodbye
When you're young
And use commitment when you're old
So one day your children might look up to you
Take all the names
Of everyone you want to remember
And write them all on your soul
So you can take them with you when you go

Keep the tunnel open to your soul
Wounds never heal without air
And everyone who believes has fought an angel
So, don't think that on your own
You will ever be whole
Let secrets go
Love like a child
Never fear being bold

Forgive easily
Love freely
And let God fight battles for you

This is just a holding place
Where we learn to live
Just in time to leave

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Find Me

I lay down every night
And reach for your arms
Equally surprised every time when I don't feel anything
And I find myself responding to your whispers while I sleep
Stop hiding from me
I'm starting to confuse reality with my dreams

Sweet relief find me
And wrap your strong arms around me while I sleep
I want you to be my last reason to leave everything behind
And for the first time in my life
Jump
With you by my side
We could run to the ends of the world
And move to every continent
For no good reason

We could forget the politics of life
And love with the love that confuses the rest of the world

And if you break my heart
If God takes you from me too soon
It will be the first time I look back
And everything was so worth it
Because you taught me how to live

So, this phantom comfort
From a half phantom past
Is the last thing I want keeping me company
When I'm old
Or when I'm lonely

So break my unintentional fall
And make me believe again
Like I was never hurt
Like I had never loved and lost

Friday, June 13, 2008

My Voice

I fell subject to you
Grasping your arms around me
So tight that I could not breathe
And you took more than you thought
Away
From
Me
You took my voice
Specific to me

And when the sound that escapes my lips
Is a breeze
Floating by
I suddenly feel
The time has come to break free
And scream
To the world
If for nothing else
To let everyone know
That I was given a voice
And by God I mean to use it

These are just the things
That we posses as human beings
But allowed to be dulled
And trampled on
Then one day
We're old
And haven't really spoken
In years

These are the shames of humanity
The wastes of potential
The sly manipulation
That the power hungry
Use to silence pure voices
That speak seeking only pure love
Justice
And a world where we can all believe
In the great things we have yet to see

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Direction

Can I just stay in Your arms forever?
I can't breathe when You're not near me
And I feel like I'm ready
To leave everything
Everyone
Behind
And see where You take me

Monday, June 9, 2008

This is My Down Fall

Christians cry
Feel lonely
Angry
And doubt
But it's never alright
After awhile that's just something we figure out

And I don't understand
Why can't I love the sheep who found their way home?
I only care for the lost
And in a search and rescue
I seem to get lost along my way

Is it fair to say we all have our reasons?
But when was anything fair anyways?
And as a Christian
What I feel more than any weak thought
Is
Anger

And my mild temper has fooled many
My sense of humor has chuckled me straight through
Many a tense situation
And never did anyone
Including me
Realize how anger I had become

I was angry at friends
Who never seemed to be there
I was angry at the church
Who never seemed to get anywhere
I was angry at him
For saying he loved me
I was angry at Christian boys
For refusing to love people like me
I was angry at my family
For never really noticing
I'm just angry

And how do I know how to hold on?
When the only thing keeping me grounded
Is my hate for everything
How do I forgive?
And refuse to fall apart

When did it become so hard to be me?

It Could Be True

The closer I get to people
The farther I drift away from the world
And the point where you end and I begin
Is miles long

Understanding
Is much like peace
Impossible
But we all still hope for it
And some of us fools
Even think we might reach it

And I want to learn to be fearless
But I fear being alone
And your words
That cut me to the bone

Lack
Of
Understanding

Was I ever brave?
Did I really believe...
All the things I used to say
And why do I wish for change?
Fighting the predominant beliefs

One day I may wake up and realize
That I wasted all that energy on nothing
A stagnant society
And one day I might wake up
With my eyes open for the first time
And dry my tears while I watch the water come in
From all sides

If the day must come
I hope I die before I see it
Realizing
That maybe we're all wrong
Maybe music and songs just taunt us
A delusion of grandeur
Telling us that things change
Someone cares
And we are somehow all together

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Him

Baby, don't look back
It's just a bad day
Hold my hand
And we might make it the whole way

Don't get angry
You know, about my virginity
That was ruined once or twice
And I do believe

That beauty lies beneath
All of my bad dreams
And maybe God knew
That all the nights I prayed
For solitude
I was really praying for you

The moral of the story
(Never knowing what is at the end of this road
Wondering what's best
But there's not much I know
Demons running from behind
And one more hand to hold on to
While he holds on to You)

Thursday, June 5, 2008

How Do I Love?

I can't go my whole life angry
It's exhausting
Inhaling
Fumes
Deadly enough to kill me
And I can't leave
Because I know deep down
You might not try to find me
And I can't tell you
Because I can't let you hate me
Did your love really run so shallow?
That infants took all of mine
And you only have enough
To fit in 10 little finger and toes
Why did I have to act grown up?
I wasn't you know
I was still a little too young to know
Where I needed to go
When my life
Fell
Apart
I don't want to be angry
Because anger and love can't hold company
One has to go
And maybe it's time that I know
I was called too love
No matter how much I hate
How little you seem to love me

Where do I Live?

Must we really know where we are going to be in ten years. Maybe it's more important to look at the present. What am I doing with all the opportunities right in front of me? How do I treat all the people God has placed in my life right now? Could it be that living in the future is just as destructive as living in the past? I don't believe that one moment is more important than the next. Every moment is full of the same choices. If I can't get it right now, how am I supposed to think that I will in the future? I probably won't. So, writing out every detail of my future life might just be a waste of time. Today is the story that I write, and tomorrow is the picture that God paints for me and shows it to me as I go. It could be that at one point or another we are all just two seconds away from falling apart. Then we become drained of energy trying to hide it. Then we worry, and is it all not about the future? We all fill our lives with anxiety while starving children walk by us, beaten wives cry at our feet, and friends destroy themselves from the inside out. What does that tell God? "I'm sorry God, I can't do anything about what You've given me right now because I'm too worried that You're a failure and can't take care of my future." What kind of idiot have I become? I live today, not tomorrow, and not yesterday. Today is where I am, It'll be today tomorrow, but yesterday will never be today. In time the only moves forward. We can't see the sides, the top, the bottom, we only see the line and we have to go where it tells us. So, if God created our minds to see only what is here right now in this moment, why do we try to place ourselves somewhere else on the time line? It might be ten years from now or 2 years 3 months and four days ago. However, no matter what way we swing it we can't do anything about the past, and we can't govern our future. We do what we can today. We help who we can today. We pray without ceasing asking God to show us who needs us today. God does not abandon the faithful.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Dark Nights

It's so dark outside
While I sit outside
And for two moments the world stops
And I wonder why
We all go day to day
Using things to occupy our lives away
Never knowing why
Greed is so far the best motivator of humanity
The root of democracy
Why do we all want more?
It is because some where
We all know
We're
Lacking
There is a deep hole that cries out to us all
Something we don't talk about
We sell our souls to lie about
And at the end of the day
All of have left is an image
That we forfeit everything to protect
And none of us understand
That it doesn't mean anything
In the vast expansion of eternity
That on this earth
None of us
Will
Ever
Understand
That there has to be so much more than this
A husband and some kids
Can't be all I live for
Not anymore
Sleepless nights
With fear to be the company at my side
Fearless people somehow finding fear in the darkness of night
Controlling thoughts and movements
Where I can and can not go
This is the fear that we all fear
Somewhere deep in the human soul
And we don't know why
Some die
So young
Is God protecting us from things that don't fit?
Not into our 70 years of life
And does He let some of live
Because He that we can take all these things
That we dodge
Avoid
And at all cost refuse to believe
Is there a strength He gives
That allows us to live
Inside a world that we can hardly see
Is there a God ability?
In all of us
That only God himself can see

Time

Do you secretly know
All the things I think
And when my mind is weak
It's been so long
So
Long
And it feels so good to be away
But whenever you call
I want to run your way
I don't want you
I never did
At one point I needed you
But that was all I could believe

I don't understand
Why do you patronize me?
The weakest part
Wants to be hit
As long as I'm not lonely
When did I become so weak?
To think you were anything
But a sad lie
You see?

I sat here today
Counting the ways
That everything turned out okay
And the things that I don't think about anymore
Time used to heal nothing
But now heals everything
The secrets we keep
And the times we leave
Asking for someone to seek
Us
Out
So, I'd never have to be lonely

But now you
Are just a dream
And sometimes I doubt that you exist

You can live where you please
But not in my head
And not in my dreams

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It All Fits in Eternity

Sometimes we create things because all we want to do is understand, and remain ... sane. We have to think of things to fit in between the pieces of memories that we all try so hard to hide from. It's like we can not believe that we are capable of bad things unprovoked. It doesn't fit into our minds where "my, myself, and I" remains the only good person left. If we recognized our own depravity than what would we do with ourselves? We can not even recognize that of the world. How did we become to numb to things? Are we fed too many statistics? Why do 20,000 children suddenly mean nothing? It could just be another way we protect ourselves. Brains were not built to comprehend 20,000 souls, especially not when we have thus far failed to comprehend our own eternity. Sometimes it's like being chained to a wall while watching someone choke to death. We want so much to help, but we can't. So, what do we do? We weep. Then, after this has happened 20,000 times we just stand there and use useless sanity protecting phrases like "that's just life" and "I'm only one person." I often times wonder how God does it. We are bound by our own humanity. However, God it bound by free will. Time and time again millions and millions of people are choking, but nothing seems to happen. God tries without crossing into the lines of free will. We watch and cry while chained to the wall by our own humanity. Then I realized that we do not understand our own eternity. What if we all hold the ability to get out of those chains? What if we ignore the eternity we all hold inside out of human fear? Not even humanity, but something as controllable as fear. Or can we control it? The few people who shook the world to create a change for all those with no voices. They controlled fear. What if people did that 5 at a time? 10? or 20? What kind of world would we live in? We might just stop making excuses for our own depravity. We might stop crying about the depravity of others. We might stop labeling the world because we are tired of being disappointed with the lack of change. We might actually do something. God does not give free will to chains. He gave it for freedom.

Friday, May 16, 2008

How Do We Grow Up

To some extent
We all choose the road we travel to grow up
Some of us choose a road that lasts forever
Dying just as child minded as we ever were
Denial works for some
What we can't see
Can't be there
And then some of us face it all head on
But forget that in everything
There are always choices
So, we avoid
We fight
We give in
Because everything works itself out in the end
Right?
But either way
Most of us will grow up
But that price we must pay for being adults
Is to be crippled in some way
And like today
I see my limp leg in a new way
I realize that the path I chose
Got me to where I am
But left scars that will always show
And if I ever find a way to take them away
Every time I look at my leg
Mark or not
I will remember what happened in that place
So, the same way that none of us make it out of here alive
None of us grow up without having to depend on a mind
Forced into servitude by the body
That saw worse days

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

This Place

I've said time and again
Only God knows the end
Of my story
Mainly guts, but not much glory
And worries
Just cracked up to be a somewhat mild form of disbelief
Who am I fooling?
Who's heard enough?
After all this
I'm going to let myself go under
Because I suddenly
Read minds
And know that this subject has been drained
To the fullest extent
Maybe I just can't fess up to it
I can't claim depression
Because I'm always happy
But all the signs point in that general direction
Here we go again
My emotions
I suddenly remember all too clearly why I hid them away for so long
I was still underage
And I had no time to be admitted
If I could just fully believe
That everytime I look at those pictures
It will not always hurt so bad
That everytime my mom smiles at my expense
It won't make my world
It's just too bad
That it's just too late
And God is all I have left
But if I had chosen him when I had everything else
I would not still be suffering from side effects
It's just confusion
Thoughts that I havn't taken the time to sift through
Too many?
Too tired?
Too many questions
With too little answers
It's strange
How well I remember this place

Summer

I'm trying to remember a time
When summers where just that
Summers
The only worry I had
Was who I was going out with
Who conveniently had a pool
But then again
I just don't remember

If I could remember
I assume that there might have been
A little less stress
A few less lines on my face
Maybe it's just me
Or this is how everyone turns out to be

So, if these cigarettes don't kill me
The stress will
My mother and I might be alike
We both kill ourselves
Slowly
For no apparent reason

Summers
I guess this is how they will always be
I wish I would have known to savor my time
When I still had some time of my own
Instead of waiting a few hours
For classes to start again
For the next standardized test
The next sign that I'm not going to make it
Another day of work
An already spent check
A parent falling apart
Siblings who never call
Ex-lover who never cared at all

Happy Summer

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Music

Listen to the sounds that govern my heart
Greater than what's seen from the hands
Of me
And more than what motivates my blind eyes to see
Bleeding with places only I can see
And times that exist only to me
Love that was lost at sea
To the sound of a trigger
Pulled by the hand
That often held mine
Just close enough to feel that distance
Between our thoughts
And if only I knew a mind
That knew him too
But music controls the heart
And moments have made notes
That only an instrument
As delecate as a heart would know
Fine tuned to catch everything
That my mind has filtered through and left behind
And in the middle
Of the things my heart sings
Love is always the major and minor key

Monday, April 28, 2008

I Found an Enemy In a Friend

Honesty was once my friend
But now spoken, a wound that will not heal
Speaking too often
Loving too much
Thinking that honesty can change anything
Just tangling life further
Maybe silence is my new friend
A power held in the chest
To my own discretion
Hours ago I slipped again
Letting go of the secret that I held close to my soul
For months I walked by those skinny legs
Those perfect teeth
And fake smile
And I've never really hated
But if I could name the knot in my stomach
It would be close to that feeling
Rejection embodied a person
And walked by me for fun
But the feeling I grew to resent
Was always mine
Until I gave it a name
Handed it away
And realized that nothing will ever change

Sunday, April 27, 2008

How it is

Exhausted in the possibilities of who and what one should be
In a fight between a sense of self and a society
This is where I grew up
I've drove these streets thousands of times
And I could tell you the name of every employee
At every gas station in a 5 mile radius
This is where my friends are/were
The people who loved me
Loved me just enough to hold me back
Just enough to shoot me down
Right when I started to get on my feet again
And having spent some time away
I come back and realize
They loved my disorders more than me
Packed a couple punches full of flaws
That made me funny
And never made anyone else feel bad
For being so shallow
Now they tell me
To be 15
With a sweet disposition that held secrets
And self loathing
That ran to the very marrow in my bones
Or maybe they want to see the 17 year old me
Who held abuse under parties
And drown love with more drinks
So, what has happened in a world?
When a little girls wakes up
And wonder who she is
The clock ticks
And she tears away the parties
The lies
The weed
And inappropriate activities
Just to find that no one wanted to see
Who she could really be
Sick people bitter at the healthy
With little care of who they bring for company
And I have more new friends than I could ask for
But more love for the old ones than I had before
I can learn
But I can not forget
And denial does not work the way it did before
Maybe nothing was ever meant to be fair in love and war
I was meant to run
Before my voice became a dull roar
Hiding insecurities under substances, jokes, and disbelief
Should I ever feel bad
For escaping
Before complacency got me
Should I feel bad
For crying that love can not see me
A new life I lead
With no room for dead weights that I carried around
I'm sorry but there is no reverse this time
I have to do what I believe

Friday, April 18, 2008

Life Makes So Much and So Little Sense

I was robbed of virtue
And found better truths
Than I've known in my life
I'm alive for the hundredth time
And it never gets old
With imperfections that make me a little more beautiful
And a little more interesting
Humbling faults
That took my mind
When I found myself apathetic on a floor
With anger flowing through my bones
I could have my children taken
And drugs may rule a new generation
That I helped create
But fear is the only thing I have to fear now
And my hands are empty
From trying to work things out
With life that endlessly loved
And feeling masses of all encompassing emotions
That take the soul from my body
And distribute it to the world
The seems unworthy
But aren't we all?
With love we never deserved
Great things that we never saw in tunnels that seemed endless
With no sun to warm a cold heart
And families
That just don't care enough
And rejection that roots itself just deep enough
That it guides choices
Motives
And the monotonous chaos that surrounds us
Can I point the finger at fear?
For the sake of fear itself
Can we limit the dreams
That were never believed in
And just because my siblings traded lives
Does that mean I will?
For the sake of nothing more
Than anything else
A personal fable
That showed up post adolescence
Raging with the fire that self denial brings
Accepting apathy for the things I have yet to dream
That may take my heart
Or my life
A little price to pay
To save a world of pain
No different than that I've felt on my own
People that never learn
Me, who never learns
To be worthy of abuse
To wait for years on a few words
Hoping that I traded in myself for something of more worth
Searching for a price tag
A box
Anything to describe who I am
But never realizing
That I don't have a tag
Because I'm not for sale

Sunday, April 13, 2008

They Never Stopped Smiling

A world of color
Choosing not to see
Enormous truths to be learned
Midst lies and deceit

Strung out on what shouldn't be
Never intended to be seen
With lovers sleeping
In the wrong beds
At the wrong times
With nothing but half truths
To cover what tears a heart of pride

And they speak of fate
To cover what they don't know
And they are drowning in tears
So they don't have to show

But even in a war torn town
Children still laugh
And even with all that we are taught to break
Marriages still make love that the world can't create

And in the midst of a winter day
We still know the sun is on it's way
Hope abounds where the tangible fails once again
And dreams are still around
Even when sleep ends

For all the pain
And all the joy
There is still color
For the light to magnify
While I sit back and realize
Beauty was made before me

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Without You

I'm falling apart
To the beat of your heart
With little say in the matter
Of where I'm taken from here
What is lost in the world of fantasy
That makes a reality
That much more screwed up
Taking our own ethics
And universalizing it
To create something new
But who gave the power to you?
And if your reality was not so disruptive
A new brick wall to give
And I run into it everytime
Untill I fould your heart
Put it in line with mine
But it was a ticking time bomb
Breating out of our bodies
Rolling
So, I'll sing a song
That makes the world turn along
An axis
That has nothing to do with you
Or the messed up things
That you put everyone through
Your box
That you called reality
Gave to me
But now

Life is just so good without you

A Little Immature

I'm sorry
I wasn't strong enough
And this burden in mine to carry
I never intended for my weaknesses
To eat you up
But sin is just that
And I never could see
One from the other
In a black and white family
With a black and white world
With little margin for error
And maybe I was born to be an extremist
Or I'm just a little immature
Sorry that I could not believe you
Because your words meant everything
And nothing
I wanted to believe you
But the best in me was on the line
So, I held on tight
But While I was holding on
You took my heart
While I found myself holding on fast to the air
With nothing but a song
Seeping through my fingers
Out into a world that didn't know
That with all the things I knew how to do
I couldn't handle you
And I've met my stone floors
I've had demons laugh in my face
Going from feeling nothing
To an endless amount of shame
For not being wise enough to know
What you were really saying

Friday, March 28, 2008

Can You See Her?

Do you see her?
Or do you still look away?
With little faith
In the mercy of God
And how He causes change
Don't you know
That brothel floor is much colder than it seems
Living in a black and white
Dimmed down life
Day by day
And the nights in between
Which last longer than they should
She's a mural
Of the most innate sin
Than channels through the soul of a person
And destroys the very dust they were formed of
The very life force
That causes a person to be

Part angel

But she knows only humanity
Depravity
Piled on top of anger
She's never
Seen
An
Angel
But she knows raging demons
Refusing to control themselves
Masking warped ideas
Saying they can not control... it
But she knows many faces
No names
And people refuse to look at her
Glance at her pain

And she often wonders
Does she exist
If no one can see her

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Stay Here

I never believed in ghosts
But I've created them a time or two
In places where the connection is so strong
That my mind replays a scene
Scene of my past
And then I can see
Standing
Laughing
Loving
And crying
The ghosts of memories
So strong to me
That I see them everywhere
When I need a little faith
That there are ghosts to come
Memories yet to be made
By a mind that only knows two names
When confusion sets in
And standing in a familiar place
I reach a daze
Almost a comatose state
But really
Just a time machine
Taking me back
To the magnetic memories
That my mind will always want to see
Just one more time
But that time never comes
And a memory morphs into an obsession
Followed shortly by discontent
Suddenly I am aware
That I'm conversing with ghosts
More than my friends
And I can't look in the mirror
Because time changed me again

I Want to Live the Life

Whisper words to heaven
About it all
And what I came up lacking
After the fall
For the wisdom of Solomon
The courage of Esther
The faith of Job
And the strength of Sampson
In a time
When there were more pressing matters
Than this life
In valor
In honor
To the One who gave us life
To brave deaths
Like the disciples
In loyalty
Like that of Ruth's
When death comes before disbelief
I want to stand
For all those
Who to us
Only exist in stories
I want to live and die for what I know to be True
I want to sit with the saints
And inspire others to find You