Paper Cuts

I found this poem among my non-posted items from back in the day. So, I wrote this several years ago. Because of the overflow of memories that came back to me when I read it, I decided to post it in all of it's glorious vulgarity.
I'm slightly amazed at how different life is now.



Those words came out of my mouth a thousand times
A thousand fucking times
And you still can’t hear me

Get the hell
Away
From
Me

There it is
Spelled out

Not that it matters much to me…
Anymore…

You heard me
Oh you heard me
10 minutes before you said
“It’s alright baby, I love you”

Loved me?
You covet the virgin you took from me

You ripped my favorite pair of panties…
Ass hole

It’s possible that I don’t hate men
I hate you
And the voices of women abused
Cry out in my head
Begging for justice

They follow me on the streets
Tape on their mouths
Begging me to use my voice

Maybe the next voice will cry out
Cry for them
Cry for me

My only regret in life is my… silence

I should have stolen the breath right out of your lungs
The skin should have disappeared from my fucking knuckles after you checked my wrist

Slit my wrist for you?

You’re not worth a fucking paper cut

Drown in your unworthiness
And let you’re conscious suck the life right out of you
I hope to never see you...

Never again

But if I do
Lift your wrists
I want to see the damage
That life has done to you

Slipping Away

Can I pull you from that mind
The mind that holds you so tightly
Locked up in it's prison
Staring blindly from behind cages

I may be selfish
Or I may be a hero
Depending on how we paint it today

I wish to take you
And shove you into your potential
The potential that I predestined for you
The second we met

Slightly pushy
Like a dreamy mother
Or the controlling fist of a husband
Painted like a friend
I am a friend

It's best
Don't you know
That I always know what's best

It is best that I keep projecting
My fear onto you

I fear your mind
Taking you from me day by day
You're slipping through my finger

You're the best friend I ever had

Don't you see
That I want to keep you away from your thoughts
Keep you here with me

Stranger's Bed part 3

It runs deep
The feeling of having been here before
And I have
My memory serves me well
Imprinted permanently
When I fell to my knees
And swore that if God would save me
I never be here again
Again
I am here again

For the first time
Regret runs so deeply
That I can not see life outside of me
Not for this moment

Sex for less

She thought of the situation
As little consequence
She had sex for less
For love

Where was the point?
Hidden under stained sheets
And futures that traded themselves in
Daily

She fears falling in love
The same way that she fears death
A trapped
Uncontrolled feeling
A good 200 miles per hour
Right down a mountain side
And no rails would save this time
It's a hopeless abandon

A life gone wrong too soon
Too late
Too much of everything
Except what she needed

Take a Chance on Me

I remember an affection
That I often threw in your general direction
And then

I remember a liking
When you weren't talking

Because I already endured two years of you chatting away
While I sat there wishing that I could hear something
And wondering why my time is an easy target
To be wasted

I wouldn't say that you disgust me
But my pity for you ran out
Four hand fulls of nothing ago

I am trying to put my finger on it
But placing it is hard
Blindfolded with nothing to go on

If...
I had to say something to try and justify my current feelings

I would probably choose your selfishness
Or wait...
It could be the way that you talk yourself up
Like you're not human just like us
You always wanted to be ... different

Or maybe I am slightly shallow
And easily bored just like my mother told me
Maybe it's just the way you walk... so slowly
Or the way you sit
And everything in me wants to push you slightly
And see if your paper thin image falls apart

Then try to say that this all has nothing to do
With you calling me out
For disapproving of my own social drinking
(I never said that I don't contradict myself)

Maybe
I just woke up and realized
That I wasted my time
Just as much as you

And I need someone a little wild like me
A little fun like me
Looking at life
In all of it's short longings
And ready to take a few chances

Take a chance on me

Eternity

I never lost the drive

Everyday I want God more than life
More than anything
I beg to see Him
Beg for more

I have never forgotten

Where I came from
The places I know
The things I have seen

I remember deeply

Like sucking the breath out of me
I remember
Every face
And almost every name
As if the cry of desperation marked my life
Forever
And I would never have it any other way

I wish to move

That God would pour direction into my life
And let me overflow into the streets
Leading me
Leading me always

I have said it before
More times than I can count
I have said it
And I will say it again

Everyday waking up
To the sweet silence
Knowing that my first Love
Is so near to me
In my breath
In my dreams

The best of all feelings
Something I never knew to hope for
I never knew to feel

But now know
That I will feel it for eternity
Eternity starts today
With You
With me

To Wonder

I have wondered

The feeling after taking a breath
And never taking another

An under-reported feeling
Bring them back and ask
What it feels like to die
To take death over fighting
And loose the desire to keep breathing

I have seen the dying
I have heard what it feels like
Knowing that death is around the corner
And life is behind you
Everything you know
Forever lies in the past

Yet the feeling
The lack of feeling
Lack of breathing
The moment of exodus

I am left to wonder
Left to beg for another profession
Another road
A large dose of denial
Or a prescription for anti-depressants

Wondering
I know the feeling

My Garden

You are a flower
Planted in front of the tree
Referenced as light

Stuck in soil
Very to near to my conception
And my tomb stone
Near to me

I can never be quite sure
As to why you exist in a space
That makes up my story
But ever so often
You are slightly pretty
A painful sort of beautiful

I wonder if this was orchestrated
If the conductor of my garden
Wanted you here
Making music with your pedals
Playing softly in my ear

It is a mystery to me
As is all else

This garden was planted for more than me
Slightly more that my bent tree
Trying so desperately
To grow a little more straight
A little more tall
With a slight wind of acting
Like I know what I am doing

I still wonder
How you made it into the scene

Closer to my tomb than my conception

Maybe in everything
There is a least a little speck
Of meaning

Sorts

The way the mind goes
Back and forth
My own version of rapid cycling
A manic state of sorts

A depression faded

The need to keep going

Settling

I can not breathe

And life is uncertain
A dream that is faded

I should have written it down when I woke up
Because I'm reaching

Into the distance
And trying to go back to sleep
Trying to believe

That life is not a series of vivid dreams
Before we wake to a reality
That commands us to settle

I'm tired of settling

Supposed to Be

It was the way that he looked at her
Something about the way that I set the scene from there
Knowing that they were meant to be
In the sweet untainted thought of a four year old
It had to be
Love has to be

Things never seem to turn out the way I think they will
But can I believe that everything worked out of the best?
Not with me
Everything turned out conveniently
Maybe what is now was never a love thing
It is the product of circumstances
It could have been anyone

I wonder if they're still in love
If this will be the last time that they look at chances gone by
And say what we want to believe

"I guess that everything worked out the way it was supposed to be."

Existing

I love you like life is never ending
Like nothing will ever take you away from me

Maybe there is a part of me
That remembers you holding me
When I was a helpless baby

And all of me feels the love
That is never ending

Death can't break us
It will just be another part of existing
In love