Thursday, November 10, 2011


I tucked courage in with honesty
Shoved them into the glove box
Of a car I didn't own

Too flashy to be impressive and expensive to be practical
And I rode
Tried to pretend like my skin wasn't falling off with the road
And maybe given the right pair of jeans and some Coach shoes
I might look like the girl who is supposed to ride in the front of this car
And a lot of nothing
Just wanting the company

I took my morals and shoved them in the backseat
Grabbed a hand full of dreams and placed them in the sheets
Of every Hilton this side of the States

Took the love of my life
And shoved it into a body too old to be a lover
But screwing me all the same
In more ways than one

I set flames to the life I wanted to live
And kept riding

I occasionally opened the window
Throwing out
"This wasn't supposed to be my life"
And grabbing
"I guess this is my life"
Shoving it in my bag like a belonging

This was supposed to be a familiar pain
A man like all the others
A nothing situation that I sold a little bit of my soul for
They were right... it gets easier to stop feeling

I just didn't see it coming
Nature has it's own way of catching up with me

And right when he was about the stop the car and let me out
He made sure that he grabbed my baby
The size of my thumb nail
And set it under the tires saying

"Life has a way of catching up with you, baby.
Now let me get back to mine."

Monday, October 31, 2011


A stillness so strong that it brings me to my knees
Throws pride to the ground
Asking my legs why they are running

Stone cold
Apathy rid my body of joy
And left me.
Without any happiness to speak of
But painless

I need a solace
A year of sleep and some peace
A place to lay my head
And a place to pray
... just until I am whole
Just until I can stand up again with feeling in my body
Asking to live a life worthy

If God can redeem my time...
I need 22 years worth of redemption
And a new life

I need my baby
I need my family

I want life away from this place and an eternity
This world has failed me
They said it would but I just kept fighting
I couldn't stop fighting
The pain
Just long enough to realize that it wasn't the enemy

I don't need a life that's easy
I just need Love

Love me
Set me free

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I cry in cars

I cry. by myself. in cars. once in a blue moon.
And even then
It's embarrassing

I'm always driving away when I cry

If I was asked where I am going
It would simple be... nowhere

I'm driving away from a past
A disappointment
Another thing that I painfully pull my contractured fingers away from
In the name of "I guess that's just life"
And it has been

My tears
They store up
They sit in my chest cavity
Knocking politely on my sternum
Asking to be free

After time I can only pretend
That the movement in my chest is me breathing
Like oceans
And bilateral rails

The cage
It adds to my guilt
That I can not give tears to my sadness

My ocean stopped my lungs completely
Begging me to move
To sit on the floor
Face in hands
And let go
It was the least I could do
After flushing my baby down the toilet in the Target bathroom...

Fear is the dam
The stop in my natural thoughts
And I was afraid
That I would sink into the floor
And become a part of that bathroom
And stay with my baby
Thinking that her heart would beat again

That God didn't spare her from a poor excuse for a dad
And maybe even me...

I am a statue
I am cold as ice
And steady as hollow stone

Despite the lack of depth
I always look the same

I made myself this way

I was told that no one was coming to save me
And I decided that even if there is nothing inside me
At least I look held together
Like someone you could lean on

The sarcastic voice
The heels that make my 5 foot 7 inch stature tower over everyone saying... "I'm aright with you looking up at me."

I thought I was strong
I thought it looked like strength for so long
When I've never been strong enough
And at the end of the day

I'm not sure what strength looks like

Thursday, September 8, 2011


If eyes really are windows to the soul
Than he knows

Our DNA just held hands
And he can feel my sadness
It transcends reality and sits on our shared chromosomes

I gave myself set amounts of time
To be destructive
But sadness won't confine itself to my time
I can not bind it and force submission
No music is breaking me from it's claws
And sleep doesn't seem as easy to come by as it once was

This is my problem

I'm barely post adolescent
And this was when my life was supposed to begin
This is my moment
And it looks just like everything I dreamed it would be

Did anyone tell me?

Dreams change so quickly
Maybe that's why they slip through my fingers
Dancing in breezes right in front of my face
Reminding me that I can't hold them

This was my dream
Until 4 excruciating months ago
And who would have known
That my dream is missing little fingers and toes

I can not communicate
I can not write
I know nothing of this sadness
Or microscopic heart beats

I know nothing of these dreams

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wish My Life Away

I walk.

Sidewalks made of diamonds and gold. The water was flowing into pearl gutters and I may have noticed, had I ever looked down.

I promise.

I would not have tripped had my dreamy head not been stuck in the sky looking for airplanes going somewhere ... where the grass must be green.
While crayon stained greenery lay around me.

I may have looked that child in the eyes one more time and noticed that they are not so different from mine, had I not been sitting around writing the "To-Do" list for my life.

I could have seen how beautiful my life is here and now if I were not always so bent on being somewhere else.... right now.

I would have loved better.

Asked for more solid things less likely to slip through my little fingers.

I would have seen that you needed me and cared enough to go.

I would have set fire to the street and pained our hearts on graffiti stained nothings.

Just to prove that this is my life and I'm right where I belong.

Fear never held me. My walls are cold and tall reminding me of all the places where only other people can go. I would love more. I would be fearlessly unafraid.

I could have been a good many things.

Had I not wished my life away.


We should get together and cry.

... or have a funeral.

Please, tell me the difference.

We should pull our sorrow down to frail finger tips and hold hands compounding the distance between our minds.

Funerals are familiar faces.

They said that there's nothing worse than losing a child, but I never knew until I shook uncomfortable hands with her eyes. She said that it's like living through your own death and you no longer belong in this world or the next.

Her earth is a holding place.

Much like the girl in the next room.

Sometimes I think I can hear her soul begging to be set from from that shell of a mechanical body and I can't help but wonder.
What have we done to her?

I never thought death would look so merciful.

His hands were stiff blocks of ice and I could see the black sutures in their poor attempt to bring his lips into harmony and silence him... forever.
We have the same eyes and I was begging that he open them one more time.

He rose and conquered the grave.

Etched into my mind making an epitaph at every funeral... every wake.

I never said it out loud. I knew it was crazy before the thought was born, but death was sitting on my shoulder and I couldn't name him friend or foe.

He just was.

I will dance at your funeral if you promise to cry at mine.

I will hold your hand so tight that death has no choice but to take us at the same time.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Tossed back and forth between my hands
I juggled the thought halfheartedly
Half keeping my distance

Partly rolling around in my brain
And mostly laying on the floor trying to breathe again

I was supposed to move on
Wake up and decide to be done
With little to no pain

This was supposed to be a minimally invasive procedure

I stayed too long...

I like pain
It's an old friend and oddly comforting like a blanket
... in reverse

And I'm pulling away
Slowly or quickly
Whichever feels right

... I'm moving on
One conscious decision at a time

There's nothing natural about this feeling

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Natural Disaster

The ground would shake beneath us

Much like earthquakes we shake
Live on fault lines
Standing between revealing everything
And keeping just enough secret to cause a tremor when we speak

I knew that your love would be bigger than me
Bigger than my will
Larger than my abilities

Only your love
The size of quaking catastrophes
Could tear down my walls
And at the end of the day
I lived knowing that
God knew only an earthquake would shake me

We'll live like tornadoes
And love like tsunamis
We'll care like floods
And in the end

We'll always make a way
We'll always Believe

It will be worth it, only when I know that I would be better with you than I ever was without. We will love more, live more, care more, and do more. I've been living afraid of giving up my dreams....

But your my dream.

My dream.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Things I Hate

You're like an ocean
I can't breathe in your presence
And if I were ever under you
I would surely die

We're Communists
We look great on paper
But we don't actually work...

Just another bad idea

And I've been kicking it with Amy since I was 17 and I wish we weren't so much the same but "I'll be some next man's other woman too"...

I've been drawing this out with other people's lyrics
With mistakes that I've already made
But at least I know how it ends
I've been waiting to get angry enough to want something different
To love enough to know that I deserve more
To care enough to shatter into a million pieces
And lay knowing that's where I belong


I've been painting my life with green dreams
And purple promises
Looking much like what I said I did not want
But am too afraid to hope for... more
I want more

I'm taking these moments in strides
I'm refusing to wish my life away
And from the outside
This is my dream
And I'm living it

I guess I'm still too young to realize that time is a gift
Not a right of birth

I used to hear Your voice in sirens
See You in street lights

I used to find You in broken lives and beautiful faces
I found meaning in Your arms
And hope in promises
That for the first time in my life
I knew would never be broken

Your voice was in whispers and screams

And I swore I would never look for You again
At the bottom of my own bottles of truth serum
At the end of joints
In the silence between my sarcasm

Why do I do the things I hate...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Cold Hands and Summer Days

I loved you long before I knew how...

That was my favorite shirt. I don't know why, but I've always looked good in yellow. It shone like the sun straight over us and all around us. Your eyes were the best part of my day speaking words to me much more sweet than anything that ever leaked from your forgetful mouth.

You were so much of heaven that I forgot to hate earth.
A peace in my chaotic mind.

When you looked at me... serenity met insanity and they bred beautiful babies who looked just like the space between our eyes.... stop. Take a breath.
Some call it fate, but I refer to it as creation.

Like waves meeting at the shore to kiss... our blue eyes. Blue eyes.

I might should have been a little more tactful when I told you never to wear that shirt again. I should have walked a little longer. It didn't really matter if there was a hole in my jeans, we should have kept walking.

My new flip flops were hurting my feet.

There it is...
I didn't want to tell you in the moment because I was embarrassed, but that's just how selfish I am.

I just wish you would have told me that you had a month to live. I promise that I would have kept walking. I promise.

I adored every rock you kicked.

It was the first time that I feared a good feeling and it felt like insanity pained like a goddess.

You always felt like a dream come true. A boy I stared at from across the room in middle school and barely dared to wish for.

You told me it was alright when I awkwardly walking in my body. You taught me to stop hating. You taught me to live before you died and I kept on mostly because I knew it was what you wanted. I wanted you to have my life, and I wanted your eternity. Ironically enough I got it on earth, but I never meant for it to be measured in months. I was thinking decades. I was thinking babies and foreign countries. I was thinking about us.

Your hand was cold, maybe it was a foreshadowing. It was the middle of the summer...

and your hand was deathly cold.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I will stand
Until the sparkle in your eye returns to the stars
Until life becomes so normal
That I'm waiting for the next you to roll around

The time doesn't last as long
The moments are only half as sweet
And denial is more difficult that it ever was before
But this is it

This is what I prayed for

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm Ready to tell the Story

Had I been born brilliant
I would have kept you guessing
Sometimes it is best to preserve the illusion
At all cost
Illusions have no skin

I found myself rolling through hills
Lacking the ecstasy
Tripping through the city
Searching for my LSD
I landed drunk on your door step
And stoned on your bed

But I'm in my right mind
My right mind

I've been legally down for years
And those were my prescription bottles
I swore
I swear

You're pathetic
And I am more so

Because I wanted you
Even if it was just for a minute
A terrible minute

I am best alone
I am best here
To compete with my mind
And never for your attention
Giving you the false illusion
That you could have ever been
... worth the fight
Worth the trouble

You were everyone else
When I thought about it
Outside of your persuasion
I was sad to find the truth
Hiding behind your smiles
That sadly
Very sad
The world is just as corrupt
As I knew it to be

I knew you
Long before dinners
And attempted dancing
I have known you
Always confused
Always searching for a new destiny

I've always wanted more

Monday, March 28, 2011


Going back
To sleep or to live
A dream

Strange in movement
And it never seems the way
It is so fondly remembered

Those moments will never be here again
And he'll never been the man I knew back then

A sad understanding
A calm contemplation

It's a hope
So small that the light flickers
On and off again

It will always live in my mind
A sacred space
A corner in my heart that I cleaned up
Just to store these times
These moments
These memories

Time is moving
No matter the resistance that I place against it
It's moving
And taking me

I hold firmly to sand
Slipping through my fingers
And I'm exhausted
But I'll hold on to you
At least in my dreams
In the few memories that have yet to be tainted
By the distance
By the apathy

The love
That I still hold for you

The last pieces of sand I hold onto
Sitting on my palm
Reminding me
Of where your hand used to sit
So perfectly

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Let Go

I underestimated my circumstances
My feelings
My life

It was so easy
For so long
Believing these lies
But I sit in doubt

The first time things did work out I was told that maybe it wasn't my time, maybe it was a chance to learn to how to let go.

I said it again
The second time
The third
And every single time since the first time I realized
That life wasn't like my movies
Or even my dreams
Life was just a series of things
That probably won't work out

I've been letting go
This has been a journey
A long road
Of learning to let go
Learning to be the next best thing
And then watch
As the next next best thing rolled around
I'm letting go

I have been letting go


Your weakness sits in me
A constant reminder that one day
I'll forget how to hold on
Forget how to believe that in the end
I'm am strong
For better or worse

Friday, March 25, 2011

Depending On It

Like most things
It was over before it began
And I started mourning
The day we met

I held on like my life depended on it
And even now
I believe that it did

Not Yet

Death is like a wind

Feel it coming
Never knowing exactly when it will arrive

Death is a thief
Running in quickly
Just so we can never wake up
To know that everything is gone

Death is a game
And we're all playing

Death showed up on your door
And I saw him
So clearly
He showed up
In the form of god-like masses in your body
Taking at will with no one to tell them

That's enough
It's enough

He doesn't respect age
Or at least not from what I have seen
And I should have told him
You're too young and it's not your time
I should have told him

I should have done a good many things
But this wasn't supposed to be about me
Because you may never open another birthday present again
And that's the feeling...
The one that haunts me
The one that begs me to run off the face of the earth
And never stop

This one is for you my friend
This one is for you

He doesn't have you yet

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Bricks and Endings

I had been uncertain of our future
Midst the concrete of our past
And somewhere along the way I grew enough
To know the difference

There was a storm that took us by surprise
I was more surprised that it took so long to get here
And you seemed shocked at it's presence

You told me I was pessimistic
But we were a time bomb
Waiting to explode
And when we did
I walked
Shrapnel clinging to my body
I ran

They said I was heartless
They said a good many things
But I survive
I've been surviving
Since the day that cord wrapped around my neck
I learned that live wasn't going to hand me anything
Including my first breath

You were not a victim
I painted you as a glorified bystander
And you were
You were
A bystander that I loved enough to break for
Picking up the pieces as I ran from our past
And crushed our future
I still love you

You were a rock made out of sand
And I was a block of ice with a pretty face
We were made for each other
Neither of us looking like what we really were
A facade of sorts
So oddly familiar
That I melted right into you
And hoped you wouldn't be angered
By the mess

Take life in strides
Keep your running shoes tied
And you'll never be disappointed
Until the last mile where you realize that you've been running alone
Trying to win a race of one
And that seems to defeat to purpose
But who said there had to be a purpose
Breathe a little
Breathe for yourself

It fell on me like a ton of bricks
I wanted so much to believe in the world
And the words sunk into my bones
Floated in my blood
And buried themselves
Deep in my brain

"In the end
Take care of yourself, baby
Because no one else ever will"

The end

Friday, March 11, 2011

Everyone Else

I've been trying to trust you

This isn't about you
I've been fighting a lifetime
And if my memory serves me right

You won't be here for long

My guard is down
And it's slightly difficult to stop anticipating the shot
It always comes when I stop looking
And I've been standing guard
For years

You are the enemy

You're another person to lose interest in me
And I'm burning

I'll burn again
And again

When you tell me that I'm everyone else
The same person I've always been

I've been waiting for you to leave. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, come back to earth and look at the facts. You're no match for me.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


The streets were calling me
Begging me to walk
To run
To get from point A to point B
Begging for anything


It's never been my strong point
But don't worry
I'm still trying to believe

The city called me

I was too little to know that my soul would be buried
In the bottom of an eternally tall building
I just wondered how they got that way
Without falling on top of me

The wind took my hair
Only down because my mom was out of town
And my dad doesn't know how to make a ponytail
Remember dad, if we are nothing else
We are correct

That was the same day I learned about the tunnels
You know
The way the wind blows between the buildings
And with the lack of moment in my legs
That were just learning how to walk
I started walking backwards


I didn't know much
But I could swear that I was propelling my feet forward
And that damn building was getting farther
And farther

Until my dad picked me up swinging me over his shoulders saying...
"Maybe another day"

That was it

I was too little to spell my name
And I was unsure about what I was supposed to be
But I knew I would grow up eventually
Two eternities away
Stretching across my favorite galaxy

That was it

The day I knew that when my eternities passed
When life beat the hell out of me
And I stood back up

I'd be back on this street
Propelling my feet forward
With no one to help me

I found myself
In the middle of that street 16 years later
With a few more bags under my eyes
And a little less innocence
But still wanting

I found myself
And stood
For what was my new eternity
And kept walking

Dad, I kept walking

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


This is the missing
The inspiration
The touch

The way that you move me

And we move

We moved

My sighs are so deep that they shake the earth
I sigh to catch my breath
Or muster up the courage to sit down
And my flat feet are left trembling on the earth

You move me

I am moved to tears
And beyond...
To care

Your breath covers me
And your fingers beg to dance on my skin
Like you just rediscovered your 5th sense
And it feels like heaven

You can be my heaven
In small moments and great distances
That make me wonder why life continues outside of this
Is there really anything... outside of this

It was the same feeling. It was the same feeling as the first day of 6th grade, my first time in school since I was 8 years old and I wasn't really sure what to do with people. Biology is strange like that and I felt a rush of who knows what when he sat next to me. It was just sitting and I swear that if I could have written back then I would have filled the earth with love poems from that one feeling in that one moment stretching across two wavering desks.

Too many years of homeschooling
And that was my first lesson in Chemistry

And when your strong hands
Found their way down my side
It all came back to me


Sunday, March 6, 2011


I never felt like I belonged anywhere
Couldn't you see it?

I awkwardly sat in my seats as if sitting was foreign and I wasn't speaking the language. I flipped my hair and accidentally nicked my face.. I didn't even notice until you pointed out that I was bleeding. How embarrassing.

I was shy
Painfully shy

Not quite sure if it was more painful to be... or watch
But eventually
It never really made a difference

My body didn't look right
And I wasn't exactly sure when I was supposed to get boobs
But... the future wasn't looking too bright
I patiently waited
Never really saw another option

I was a little girl for too long
Just the way my parents planned it
And I was too angsty to realize
That maybe I should step out of the shadows for a minute

It was awkward, around and upside, it was awkward. The more I looked at it, the worst it got, and I could have swore that I had planned on having a different life.


This is to dreams coming true.

The grass is green.

In My Mind

I called what came over me, a rush
It was calm

It was the feeling of you
Building a home in my mind
Where you would contently reside
.... without my permission

You're an ass

Then again, you always were
Doing things without my permission... that is

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Go Home

I dug graves for you
As deep as my sin
The depths of my longing
And even...

My heart sunk into your palms
Where you wistfully toyed with the idea
Of crushing me
So swift
That I would never know the difference
Only a sharp pain that felt like

I tried to be happy
But even that felt like dying
Every time you found me
I drug another grave
More deep
More precious
Right next to
... your father

I mean to be crude
To tell you
That I would have never known that no one cared
Had to never pillaged through my town
With a torch
And a tank of gasoline
Burning me to the ground
I burned
For years
Never ending
Never seeing

You were the devil in my eyes
And when I screamed
I literally meant
"Go to hell"
Only back from where you came
I thought that maybe
They were used to you there

I buried you
Never the way that I wanted to
But in my mind
And you sneaky little fool
You keep trying to dig your way out
Right when I knew
That by now
You had to have run out of air

But maybe evil doesn't need oxygen
It just needs to know
That the desolation
That you so fondly brought out of me
Could be begging
For your wounds
Digging a grave
To live in misery next you you
What I knew...
For so long
So Long

Dead End Road

I hope you know
That when this all ends
For the love of my emotional health
Let's say...
Sooner rather than later

I will never cry for you
I sit with all intend of having control
And I do
I've been saying it over and over
But you're not listening
Not speaking and not listening
Serving as an irrelevant member of exchange

I know it's who I am again
And I know that I did it to myself
And I'm just a little disappointing

I will always be the distraction
I will never be the one
Never the love
Never the lifetime
I will also serve to divert reality
With my smile
My laugh
That find themselves grounded only in the

Every time I do this to myself
I distrust the world a little more
And I'm oozing the loathing that I've been nurturing
All these years
Of realizing
That maybe this is all I will ever be.

I will never cry for you
But I may shed a tear for those before you
If only I had known
Where this would take me...
A dead end road

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Still Blinking

I've been trying so hard
You have no idea
About anything
Because you left before I got to tell you that I loved you
At least to your face

When I found out you were gone, I swore that I wouldn't be angry. My hands remembered so tenderly the way that your fingers once lay in mine and your thumb moved across my hand like you were memorizing.

I miss your hands

Sorry, I didn't meant to say it
I swore that I would be strong
And I have been
Oh, you have no idea

... because you aren't here

Not here when I need you

I don't mean to sound angry, but the day that I knew they were putting your hands into the ground laying gracefully over your chest hoping that you rest in peace... I realized that a part of me would always be 6 feet under in an unappreciative lot. The place where no ground would understand what they held. But me, oh I would remember like I remember yesterday and fading like a dream. I begged your face to stop fading, but time took me while my back was turned and I can't get you back. The concrete substance of your fate is still killing me to this day... and I was too young.

I didn't mean to blink
When the bullet left the gun

Body Sized Hole

I lay naked on the hole ridden streets
Pretending like I wasn't slowly falling into eternity
With every breath
So shallow
So deep

When he left, this was the way he left me. It's the same story, but I'm willing to bet that he will continue thinking that he is... special. Smashing the streets as he wills finding a hole the perfect shape of my body to bury me. This is the way he lives finding places for people like me.

I've been here before
So many times that this out of body experience
Is nearly comforting
Like a horror movie that I've seen before
It's not so bad when you know what's coming

And this graffiti stains my world in technicolor
Like a dream
That I wrote before
Except in the last one I'm pretty sure that I was tripping
Find it
And tell me
I'd like to remember something

I want to publicly say something
Vulgar but sincere unsure if anyone
Would catch it flying by
To quickly to really see it coming

I'd like to be explicit
If I'm going to lay here half conscious
And half dying
That I should at least be honest
While I'm waiting

This is what I've been doing
Waiting for life to catch up with me

Friday, January 28, 2011

She May be Living

She was chronically ill
The entire time that she lived
She was dying slowly
So slowly that no one bothered

Her pale complexion perfectly masked
Her slowly fading color
Life leaving her face
One painful day at a time

In the end she found only
An increasing desire to surrender

Dying was the final surrender
The destination
That one only takes in a blind faith
Believing that what is left on the other side
Is somehow

It was exhausting
Her life was draining
From everything
Dragging the life out of everyone
Only to get vengeance
On the pain she was feeling

And when she died
Took her last breath
And surrendered to the light
I felt...
As if a burden had been rolled off of my shoulder
The Pilgrim's Progress
Was ending

It was the birth
Of me

She was resenting

I am made complete

My denial of her
Nearly my undoing
Forgetting that somewhere
Somehow her ghost wanders
Setting herself free
When no one is paying attention
To the creeks in the hall

And then...
I saw her walking
Walking around taking as she pleased
She was so real
So life like
That for a moment I found myself wondering

Was her death
Her ultimate deceit

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


It has become my solace
In the form of movement
Swaying in a silence
Taking in my breath
And handing it back to me
Just to let me know
... I'm still breathing

These are the moments
The ones I have come to crave
In the chaos of seemingly
... All my days
These are my moments
Where my heart is laid bare in my movement
And I don't have to say a word
Just move and breathe
And stop looking at things from the outside
Reflecting back to me

I am perfect
In this moment
Nothing could go wrong
And everything moves
In slow motion
I'm in...
Slow motion

Take my breath and let it cover me
Movement that was always meant to be
Coming from this body
My space
To shake off yesterday

Finding something new
With every turn
Every heart felt beat
With all the energy that will ever be left in this body

This is where stillness found me
While moving