Saturday, October 31, 2009


My life is a book
Of endless possibilities
Keeping me guessing

My life is a child
Watching hearts break through windows
And wondering if I would ever feel the same

My life is a love affair
With a God who put stars in the sky
Last night
Just for me

There are dreams that stay with me
Hope that never dies
And I've been given promises
I don't have to question why
Because I know that there is a rainbow
At the end my sorrows

God has given me rain to dance in
With a freedom I always longed for
And sun to lay
With peace

I have days that I could dance away
And nights when I have to tell myself to breathe
I have to remind my heart to beat

I have a God

And I can't image having survived so many broken hearts without Him
Not having nights
When I could talk to Him
And never question His love for me
Never question that He knows me and He wants me
More than anything
More than the breath He breathed into me when I was a baby
And dying

I can not question God's faithfulness
He has shown me mercy
And this broken heart is all I have to give Him
But it's all He's asking for

He calls me beautiful

I do not understand my life
Not today
But God feels me
And He's mending another broken heart
But surely

Making me see that He's made me worthy
He has made me holy

He has simply made me
With all the love I have to give

And I will never regret
I will never apologize for being strong or happy
I will never apologize for being me

And I love you
I love you to all the depths of my being
And I have no regrets
Because it's the deepest parts of my soul
Peaking from behind the window
At the broken hearts
I know that love is never a mistake
And now all I can do is love you enough to walk away
The test of love

God brought you in my life
And He may be taking you away
But I've learned through all the joys and all the mistakes
And knowledge is not wasted
It is not thrown to rot in the street

It is here in my heart
Where I will always hold you dear
Hold the memories so close to me
Where they are always supposed to be

Where God has made me complete
God has given light to all the dark in me
And I am full of life
Full of promise
A hope for a future

I will always love

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Did I just jump back?
Right now I feel afraid

Why do I always resort back to feeling this way?
The thought of loosing everything for good
Stole the life that I had found
And I feel nothing
I'm walking
But I feel no ground beneath me
I'm floating somewhere between death and life
And I despise this feeling
Yes, I am not hurting
But I'm not living

Secrets and solitude
Do nothing for me and you
Nothing for us
And I'm ready to loose you
While I'm already so void of feeling
It would make it easier
And my depression has proven
To be a black hole sucking everyone in
And I may never forgive myself
If I take you down with me

Right now I want to be alone
I want to believe again
That no one will love me

I want to believe I have nothing to loose
Because I've found myself afraid again
Afraid of loosing all of the things I love
I'm not sure I could live through that again

I'm waiting for bad things to happen
And I hate myself for feeling that way

And when I look in your eyes
I can see your fear too
Fear of being another one of my regrets
But just remember
I don't regret

If I were given the chance to go back and be as perfect as a human can be
I would turn it down in an instance

I like this version of myself better than any I have known
Or any that I've dreamed up
And I would not trade that
Even if it meant that I would not be haunted by these dreams
Or feel the life being scared right out of me
Every time that a strange man touches me
Even just to tell me that I dropped something

I will keep all this scar tissue
I will keep all my jaded insecurities
You could never be a regret
I never regret anything
I just live

So let me find the life that fear as taken from me
And I will smile
No matter what happens to you and me

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Never Die

I want to fall
Into arms that will hold me

Life has shown itself as a good many things
Swirling quickly
Acting as if it is never ending
Then stopping suddenly
As if the end were sitting before me

I believe

There's not much to grab onto
But I believe that God is good to me
He always has been and He always will be
So sweet that I can feel Him sweep through my body
To just let me know that He's still around
Appearing in memories
Where I had never seen Him before
But now remember so clearly
That the entire time
He was standing next to me
So gently
So loving
Everything that I needed Him to be

I have life
Down to my core
And I always knew
Almost from infancy
That there was something about me
That was immortal
Different from everyone else
And unable to die with my body
There was a spirit in me
A soul, if you will
That looks just like who I am supposed to be
And just like my Father

I have His eyes
Just look
There's a part of me that will never die

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I want to break into your heart
And find a piece of mine
Tacked on the wall
Like a collage of many beautifully broken things

Friday, October 16, 2009


Sometimes I only wake up in the morning
To look in the mirror
And see how much damage time did to my face
While I was asleep
Someone stole my beauty

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Soul

Once I learned how to stop feeling
It became easy to do it again
And again
And again

Easy to detach
To stop caring

So numb to life
That I could allow people to use my body
Without waking a weary soul
To fight back
For a body
That never felt like my own

Is that any way to live
Staring through eyes that feel so disconnected from me
That I'm floating

I need to feel
My soul needs to feel
To live and love
Like tomorrow was never coming
But it's already here

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Reasons

I'll wait years on something
That apparently I don't even want

I'll walk a thousand miles
Just to say that I did

I will be beautiful
Just to be forbidden

And then when I reach my destination
I turn right back around
And head back to where I came from

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Little Girl

Do I still look like your little girl?
When I paint my face
And change my hair

How do you know...
That I'm the same little girl who sat on your lap
And demanded that you tell me stories

I don't always know that she's still me

I just see her sometimes
When I get embarrassed
Or exceedingly happy

But you remember more of her than me

Daddy, how do you still know that it's me?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Oh Great God

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Those words always hit me like a ton of bricks. Today I found myself having a tough time trusting God, and a tough time trusting myself. I was listening to "Small Enough" by Nicole Nordeman. I've been listening to this song almost half my life now (I feel old). This song has been my constant reminder every time that I've found myself sad and unsure, every time I just needed someone to love me... to hold me.

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now"

It's easy for me to think of God as big and great. It's easy for me to look up in the sky and know that He knows every star and every galaxy. Sometimes it is just hard for me to realize that the same God who holds the world in His hands has a special place in His heart just for me. As small and insignificant as my problems are, He cares. That thought is so much bigger and more inconceivable that the stars have ever been to me. It's hard for me to believe.
Today I found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of downtown Atlanta refusing to get up until I believed that. I didn't just want to believe, at that moment it seemed almost life and death that I grasp this concept down to the core of my being and find rest at His feet. No matter what I've had or how many of God creations I have worshiped instead of Him... no one ever really cared about me the way I am supposed to be cared for and I'm starting to think that no one ever can. I can't help but think that God knew that when He was creating the world and He knew that He could only ever be the one for me.

It's comforting to know that God doesn't need me, but He wants me.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Things are moving
But I feel calm
At peace

I've been down so many roads
That I have come to believe that wherever this goes
God has something great for me
I just have to believe

God is holding me
While I'm exhausted and stumbling
And it's alright
I don't always have to stand up straight

I'm still happy
God, I'm still free


The morning is so still
So quiet
The only one making noise is me
And I'm just breathing
The breaths of someone who knows what's coming

And it's okay

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Grow up
Then do me a favor
And don't find me

I'm happy
And for the first time I know that I am worthy

I am worth more than "maybe"
More than the possibility of something

Today I know
That someone will love me
Take me as I am
And never wish he had done things differently

But you are cheap wine
In an expensive bottle
And I drank too long
Before I decided
That it's not worth the time
... or calories

I am not waiting for any of you to be worth my time
Because you keep wasting it

I am a pearl
That has been sitting in mud for so long
That I couldn't see what I was worth

Now I know
That I am worth more
Than what I have been taking

For your sake become the man you were always supposed to be
Still flawed
But open to the world
So unpredictable
But lovely enough
That when you find something worth having
You grab onto it like the rest of the world has fallen away to nothing

But not me
Because as arrogant as it seems

I'm grown
And I need someone who is grown enough to grow with me

Just me


Everyday I become more of me
Less needy
Less overcompensating for what's missing
But just me
It's good to be alive
To be free
And feeling

Did this happen slowly or all of a sudden?
But I'm looking at myself from outside
I smile knowing
Who I've become and where I'm going

It's a beautiful thing

I used to think
That I could travel to a place where the grass was green
Where things would fall into place
It would be easier to wake up and look in the mirror

But no matter where I went

It was always the same story
Just different scenery

Maybe life is not as much about seeking
As if happiness is a destination

It's about a journey
Almost standing still
Learning to open my eyes
And see what is right in front of me

See who I was made to be
Letting Him pull me closer everyday

And then without ever looking for it
Or expecting

I find myself sitting in this chair
Wondering how I ever felt any differently

Thursday, October 1, 2009


When I find your arms
Can I stay?
Resting on something I can feel beneath me

I want the world to disappear
So I can rest for a few years
Never deeming it wasted time
Just catching up on the last 8 years
Feeling like I could never be still
Even in my sleep
Life keeps moving

One day you will know that I pray for you
But not by name
I don't know your name
But I pray

I pray that you be kept safe
That you will find me one day

And that we bury our weaknesses in each other's embrace
Only to find strength

I look for that day

Until then
Sleep well

Keep open eyes and an open heart

I'm always around
Just look in the right direction
I'm easily found