Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Listen to the sounds that govern my heart
Greater than what's seen from the hands
Of me
And more than what motivates my blind eyes to see
Bleeding with places only I can see
And times that exist only to me
Love that was lost at sea
To the sound of a trigger
Pulled by the hand
That often held mine
Just close enough to feel that distance
Between our thoughts
And if only I knew a mind
That knew him too
But music controls the heart
And moments have made notes
That only an instrument
As delecate as a heart would know
Fine tuned to catch everything
That my mind has filtered through and left behind
And in the middle
Of the things my heart sings
Love is always the major and minor key

Monday, April 28, 2008

I Found an Enemy In a Friend

Honesty was once my friend
But now spoken, a wound that will not heal
Speaking too often
Loving too much
Thinking that honesty can change anything
Just tangling life further
Maybe silence is my new friend
A power held in the chest
To my own discretion
Hours ago I slipped again
Letting go of the secret that I held close to my soul
For months I walked by those skinny legs
Those perfect teeth
And fake smile
And I've never really hated
But if I could name the knot in my stomach
It would be close to that feeling
Rejection embodied a person
And walked by me for fun
But the feeling I grew to resent
Was always mine
Until I gave it a name
Handed it away
And realized that nothing will ever change

Sunday, April 27, 2008

How it is

Exhausted in the possibilities of who and what one should be
In a fight between a sense of self and a society
This is where I grew up
I've drove these streets thousands of times
And I could tell you the name of every employee
At every gas station in a 5 mile radius
This is where my friends are/were
The people who loved me
Loved me just enough to hold me back
Just enough to shoot me down
Right when I started to get on my feet again
And having spent some time away
I come back and realize
They loved my disorders more than me
Packed a couple punches full of flaws
That made me funny
And never made anyone else feel bad
For being so shallow
Now they tell me
To be 15
With a sweet disposition that held secrets
And self loathing
That ran to the very marrow in my bones
Or maybe they want to see the 17 year old me
Who held abuse under parties
And drown love with more drinks
So, what has happened in a world?
When a little girls wakes up
And wonder who she is
The clock ticks
And she tears away the parties
The lies
The weed
And inappropriate activities
Just to find that no one wanted to see
Who she could really be
Sick people bitter at the healthy
With little care of who they bring for company
And I have more new friends than I could ask for
But more love for the old ones than I had before
I can learn
But I can not forget
And denial does not work the way it did before
Maybe nothing was ever meant to be fair in love and war
I was meant to run
Before my voice became a dull roar
Hiding insecurities under substances, jokes, and disbelief
Should I ever feel bad
For escaping
Before complacency got me
Should I feel bad
For crying that love can not see me
A new life I lead
With no room for dead weights that I carried around
I'm sorry but there is no reverse this time
I have to do what I believe

Friday, April 18, 2008

Life Makes So Much and So Little Sense

I was robbed of virtue
And found better truths
Than I've known in my life
I'm alive for the hundredth time
And it never gets old
With imperfections that make me a little more beautiful
And a little more interesting
Humbling faults
That took my mind
When I found myself apathetic on a floor
With anger flowing through my bones
I could have my children taken
And drugs may rule a new generation
That I helped create
But fear is the only thing I have to fear now
And my hands are empty
From trying to work things out
With life that endlessly loved
And feeling masses of all encompassing emotions
That take the soul from my body
And distribute it to the world
The seems unworthy
But aren't we all?
With love we never deserved
Great things that we never saw in tunnels that seemed endless
With no sun to warm a cold heart
And families
That just don't care enough
And rejection that roots itself just deep enough
That it guides choices
And the monotonous chaos that surrounds us
Can I point the finger at fear?
For the sake of fear itself
Can we limit the dreams
That were never believed in
And just because my siblings traded lives
Does that mean I will?
For the sake of nothing more
Than anything else
A personal fable
That showed up post adolescence
Raging with the fire that self denial brings
Accepting apathy for the things I have yet to dream
That may take my heart
Or my life
A little price to pay
To save a world of pain
No different than that I've felt on my own
People that never learn
Me, who never learns
To be worthy of abuse
To wait for years on a few words
Hoping that I traded in myself for something of more worth
Searching for a price tag
A box
Anything to describe who I am
But never realizing
That I don't have a tag
Because I'm not for sale

Sunday, April 13, 2008

They Never Stopped Smiling

A world of color
Choosing not to see
Enormous truths to be learned
Midst lies and deceit

Strung out on what shouldn't be
Never intended to be seen
With lovers sleeping
In the wrong beds
At the wrong times
With nothing but half truths
To cover what tears a heart of pride

And they speak of fate
To cover what they don't know
And they are drowning in tears
So they don't have to show

But even in a war torn town
Children still laugh
And even with all that we are taught to break
Marriages still make love that the world can't create

And in the midst of a winter day
We still know the sun is on it's way
Hope abounds where the tangible fails once again
And dreams are still around
Even when sleep ends

For all the pain
And all the joy
There is still color
For the light to magnify
While I sit back and realize
Beauty was made before me

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Without You

I'm falling apart
To the beat of your heart
With little say in the matter
Of where I'm taken from here
What is lost in the world of fantasy
That makes a reality
That much more screwed up
Taking our own ethics
And universalizing it
To create something new
But who gave the power to you?
And if your reality was not so disruptive
A new brick wall to give
And I run into it everytime
Untill I fould your heart
Put it in line with mine
But it was a ticking time bomb
Breating out of our bodies
So, I'll sing a song
That makes the world turn along
An axis
That has nothing to do with you
Or the messed up things
That you put everyone through
Your box
That you called reality
Gave to me
But now

Life is just so good without you

A Little Immature

I'm sorry
I wasn't strong enough
And this burden in mine to carry
I never intended for my weaknesses
To eat you up
But sin is just that
And I never could see
One from the other
In a black and white family
With a black and white world
With little margin for error
And maybe I was born to be an extremist
Or I'm just a little immature
Sorry that I could not believe you
Because your words meant everything
And nothing
I wanted to believe you
But the best in me was on the line
So, I held on tight
But While I was holding on
You took my heart
While I found myself holding on fast to the air
With nothing but a song
Seeping through my fingers
Out into a world that didn't know
That with all the things I knew how to do
I couldn't handle you
And I've met my stone floors
I've had demons laugh in my face
Going from feeling nothing
To an endless amount of shame
For not being wise enough to know
What you were really saying