Ashes

I died
Was cremated
And kept the ashes

As if I could bring them back
Or as if I would ever want to

An unnatural attachment
To my depravity
A disbelieving
Believing that I needed a backup
Just in case I couldn't keep up

I pray for a strong wind
To carry my ashes away
The sin of holding on
Believing that I could hold God in one hand
And my former life in other

Today I chose
To grab onto God with both hands
And never look back into the wind
Never wish that my ashes would fall back at my feet
And breathe death back into a body

I am for You
Not against You

Clean Me

The hands
Dripping sin
Breathed into me
And soaking through me

I beg for forgiveness again
I plead love
I ask for mercy

Cleanse me
Feeling like I did the day You found me
Face in the dirt
Barely breathing through my mud clogged pipes

Wash the blood from my hands

Get it away from me
I can not bear the sight of it anymore

Breathing through my pores
Through my bones
Through my joints

Living on Your life support

Plan B

When plan A fails it's fairly simple to run to the store, and for the right price, go with Plan B.

A nice fix for an uncertain future
But a poor substitute for a past

Pen

I tried to silence my pen
For the sake of a few scattered feelings
Or social etiquette

I tried to say that I couldn't find my own feelings
But they were there staring me in the face
As I continued
To look
At
My
Feet

For a thousands swirls of the same light
I wish that I would have found myself with yours

And now
I'm not sure if I want you
Or just want to stop feeling rejected

I can not say if I wounded you
With my indifference
That I faked

But I feel wounded
Down to the depths of my sutured heart
Wondering
Always
Wondering
Why

The timing always seems to be off
It's always off

And we could talk about anything
I loved your voice like I love the rain
A comforting sort of feeling

I wonder
Will we ever know what happened?

Or will we lie
For the sake of hiding our shame
Under layers of clothing

Doesn't always have to end...

Every time it happens
Months after the last episode
Or like the last time
Two years after I have ventured down that road

There's a part of me that hopes
Small hopes
Or what first appeared as an adolescent diving-head-first-without-looking
It's still there
And it surprises me every time

Whether it be the child or the hopeless romantic who I hide under sarcasm at dinner for the sake of a backwards sly smile there after right before I take a sip of my wine and wait for the laugh...

Something
Someone
Some alter ego
Some true identity

Hopes

That this is my fairytale
The one who always wants to work it out
For the sake of never being able to imagine waking up to another face in his life
My time
When I've paid my debt with enough broken hearts

To believe
That not everything that has a start
Has an ending

Habit

I have a habit
A long history, if you will
Of being with boys
Who make a habit of fighting for their pride
Before they ever fight for me

Am I drawn to it?

Or is it just what always finds a way
Into my life.

Brick Walls

The bed is cold in the middle
The bed is unworn in the middle
As plump and upright as the day that the mattress was bought

No one rolls to the middle, no one makes love in the middle, two people living together on opposite sides of the bed, opposite sides of the house, opposite sides of life.
They can hardly remember the days of laying in endless fields as if love were never ending. The first dance, it gets hard to remember when you find yourselves so scared of confrontation that lack of communication has sprout bitterness 10 feet high and 5 feet thick... brick.

Sometimes she wishes that they had talked out the first fight. She wishes that she hadn't just walked away all of those night. She wishes that she had not let fight after fight, miss-communication after miss-communication pour dirt over the fire of their love and take away what she believed was never ending... what should be never ending...

Leave

Once I wanted to be a part of your world

But your world holds no place for me

You've conveniently created a comfy space for one and the imprint looks just like you. I'm not in love with you, but once upon a time I wanted to be. I've let it leak into my life. I've let the selfish disregard for anyone but yourself come over into my world and consume it like poisonous fumes roaming about taking who they please.

Leave,

Let me stay where you found me

Bleeding.

Young

Sometimes I fear this all fading
I fear forgetting
The friends
Sitting in chocolate bars in downtown
In our 20's experiencing life
For what always seems like the first time

I wonder if you will all remember me
If some part of me will be left
On your life

I wonder if we will think of these times
When we are about to die

If I will always go home on these nights
Sitting in the condo alone
Wondering why I didn't get carded on the way home
Did I grow up?
When no one was looking
Am I really on my own as much as I think?

Will someone come home and save me from myself
My slightly tipsy self
Sitting at my computer
Waiting

Wondering if I'll ever have another to wait for
Who will greet me at the door
While I can hear his work shoes
Landing on the floor
From a mile away

I wonder about a good many thing
The mind of a young girl about to venture out into a life of careers
Hoping that she will forever live in these things

Away

I adore you.

As fireworks, oceans, mountains... streams...

Would it be awful of me, if for a few quick moments I wanted to believe that this is just how things are supposed to be.

If I asked for wings would that be too much?
The moment when my world burst into flames and I landed flat footed on earth again and found it hard to dream again.

Can I fly?

To a perfect place where this moment will last for days and days...
Take me away.

He Meant to Say

"It gets better"
He said it in his calm collected voice
The voice that he uses
When he wants me to think
He knows

But how could he
He's never been here
Never did that
And knows less than nothing
Then sits around selfishly wondering
Why I no longer feel obligated to tell him anything

"I don't know"
That's what he should have said
And it would have sufficed
It might have even eased the pain
The truth has an odd way of setting people free

But even lies
As believable as they may be
Unnamed for what they are
Still sting
Make me realize
I don't trust him

I almost trust him as little
As he trusts himself

It's raining
Like it does all the nights
That I am without him
And I used to think
That nature was acting out my own pain

But now I think
That it shines on dark days
And the rain is here to wash it all away
Reminding me
That sometimes in the midst of it all
There is still something to be said
For doing the right thing

"I'm sorry"
With the most sincere of tones

That's what the real version of him meant to say

Yeah, that's what he meant to say

The Blood of a Father

I wrote this poem about a year ago. I never posted it because of it's personal nature, however, I feel the need to be bold of late.

The first taste of death
Left none unscathed
Taking small pieces of us all
One by one
The blood of a father
Reeked havoc on the pride of a son
To be a man too soon
With no one to show him the way

That blood flowed through the hall
Soaking down to the floor boards
And no one knew
The same blood would destroy the innocence
Of a girl too young to know
A lovely girl
The moment of being out of control
Everything out of control
Left a little girl with wide open hands
Watching life seep through the cracks
And it left a boy to his own mind
Creating a world
Where he could control
Everything

It's the death
That the dead never wished upon anyone
The very exiting of one world
Destroying everything they loved
(And more that he only met once)

Once was enough
That blood on the floor was enough
To bond people
Possibly to death
Where no attachment should have existed
An unnatural union
And the sympathy for the son
Would be the very undoing

Of a little girl
A very little girl

Fool for You

There was a desire
For sweet words
In the form of cursive letters
Written to me
About all the things you love about me
With a calm affection
And a firm desire
To let me know
That it was only ever me
Only me

Now, I bleed your misery
And the lack of words
That you couldn't ever really give me
Sit with me
Like a rock
Crushing my ribs
And making my breaths
More difficult than they should be

I remember the first time you called me "baby"
It was like there was no one in the world
But the two of us
And the adolescent feelings of first love
Returned to me
After
Believing that I was broken
That I couldn't feel anything
They all came back to me
Like it was the first time
And my jaded heart
Was warm again

It was beautiful

Three moments after you talked about my picture, sitting on your desk and your daydreams about me... I felt my heart skip a beat and it hurt like coming back to feeling. Coming back to feeling... feeling... feeling you feeling me...

Sweet
Out of sorts and adoring
All the things that love was meant to be

Older now
Than when you first saw me

Walking into that room like a foreign country
I wonder if you remember
The way my face looked
When I first look at you
With a sly curiosity



Was I just a warm body in the end?
A body to fill the void
Of a little boy
Who never had anyone to talk to

I believe
That this was the only thing I meant to you

It helps when the sun falls
And I remember sitting on my balcony
Speaking about things
From a heart
That longed to escape the shadows
Of abuse

And it starts to hurt

And now
When I think about missing you
I close my eyes
And do my best to remember
That I never meant anything to you
I was a warm body
Another girl
Who played the fool
For a broken heart

I was a fool for you

"Tomorrow I'll know if the silver in your eyes/Crossing down on your cheek/And tomorrow I'll know by the rubies in your voice/They've been calling your name to me lately/You have been one of them waiting/I have been one of them falling/Down below/so tell me you're always my only/Never look down mother maple/If I go/Never look down if I go"
The Pilgriming Vine
Basia Bulat

Dance With Me

Looking out standing
On top of the roof
The city lights swirl
All around me in every direction
Beaming down on me
From impossibly tall building
Defying gravity
One metal scrap at a time

I twirl
Like a little girl
In floral print dresses
And a matching bow

This is where I belong
I want to experience everything
Being lit by the lights that I see
And breaking from the cement block
On which I am standing

There are things going on
I can feel it
In one of those buildings
A man is on his knee
Pledging eternal love
Love everlasting
There are people making memories
That build a lifetime

It makes me want to climb
To the top of one of those buildings
And have one rare night
Where I kick off my underground dancing shoes
Put on a pair of heels
And my little black dress that I've been saving for years

Reaching the top
To find flowers waiting for me
Held by gentleman
In a pressed tuxedo
And a nervous smile
Fading into a grown sort of confidence

Take me to the tallest building
Call me "Baby"
And hold me
Teach me a new kind of dancing
Tango with me
Set a woman free

Shadows

I saw it like I saw everything
That looked just like those nights
Just like those days
Inevitable
And moving slowly
Outside of my body

The darkness walked in on me again
A wave of dark seduction
That I know like the back of my hand

There were two this time
Like shadows cast over the room
And all of a sudden
I become aware of my curves
And ashamed

I pulled up my shirt
And made sure that my pants
Were tied as tight as I could
Maybe a string could keep someone out of my pants
For once

You won't get me
And I know no one will protect me
So let me be

Let me be
Because I swore once upon a time
That I would never scream
Never again
The death curdling sound of innocence being stolen
Again

Not again
Never again

I've seen the same scene
Over and over again
Just different people
And another place

Don't take this away
I know deep down
That I have to deserve more
Then torn clothes
And broken dreams

Don't take that away from me

But the scene played out
Perfectly

My only defense was the death grip
Of my thighs begging not to be pulled apart
Again

And pulling my shirt up as quickly as I could
As they were
Taking as they pleased
Like soldiers in a conquered city

And when they finally had enough
I watched them go
Looked back at the fallen city
Left in rubble and ash

That was my shame

My shame

She'll Benefit From Me

In my life
You are now one of them

One of the boys
Who will find a girl he really loves
And never tell her about me

And if your memory
Speaks more quickly than your common sense
You'll cover your tracks
By telling her how much better she is
Than me

But she
A beneficiary of
What may be
The wrong or right
Circumstance

And I was the girl who you just wanted to love
The girl who stuck around too long
To teach you how to grow up

Just so that someone could benefit
From the time that I put in

And it doesn't hurt anymore

Because I won't be her anymore
I can't be her anymore

"The only thing harder than walking away, was realizing that you would never come after me."
unknown

Tired

I desire to express myself
And know that it is alright to feel

Would you let me be tired?
Exhausted
With loving
Doing the right thing
Falling short

It drains me
And I go to sleep
Alone

I still feel like that girl

The easy catch
Cheap date

It gets hard to fight her
When everything in my life
Tells me that she's so near to me

And when I try to require that people do the right thing
In regards to me

They leave

Sometimes
It's exhausting
Being me

Unsaid

Sometimes I think
You will be the last boy to love me

Sometimes
I just think
That this life is not a series of accidents

And there is a reason that you were in my life
So shortly

I just want to talk to you

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Train

I'll call you...
A search engine for a soul mate

Perfect.

This is where I lay

Between finding me

And hoping that someone else will too

It is good to be free
Like sitting in a train station
Alone
For the first time
And asking the train to take me
Anywhere

It is that feeling

Perfectly.

I don't know where this train is taking me
But I believe in bigger things

For a moment... it was mine.

So simple
And full of memories

Seemingly unknowing
Today, I put on the ring you gave me
And looked at it remembering
How much it meant to me

The beauty of 10 short lived days
Of thinking
That things were going to turn out
The way I thought they should be

Silly me

And now...

I wonder if this ring will stay with me

Or if it will get lost in between couch cushions
Behind my dresser
Or in my luggage at the airport

And if it does will someone else pick it up
Without ever knowing
What it meant to me
The moment that it nonchalantly became
Mine

Or if it stays

No matter where I find myself

I will smile through a tear
At the memory

Of love and loss...
But love all the same

Things that could have been
Maybe should have been
But will never be

I wonder if I will feel happy
Or the sting...

Rejection

Either way
I know

That I will keep on living
And keep on loving

Because today is always the day
That things get better

Lion and Gazelle

The predator and the prey
Story as old as time
Old as sin

You the ear I had longed for

The gentle hand that I needed

A safe space
You were safe
So welcoming in all of your ways

It was hard to see your mane
Behind your painted face
And me the gazelle flexing my muscles
Forgetting who I was
Really

I was but a gazelle
A child
In need

You a lion
Prancing around like you loved me

And I could feel you touching me
As if my face were lovely
Stepping slowly
Into my heart

And I believed

Right before you snapped
On top of me
Crushing my face
As if you never saw me

And then when I looked in the mirror
It no longer looked liked me

It looked like my longing

Like you

Feathers

Your words fall like feathers

Touching me lightly
Holding no real meaning
There
But forgotten quickly

Your words mean little to me

What to do.

I have a problem.

I used to post everything. I posted ever bit of dark, sad, hopeful, or happy poetry that flowed out of my brain.

But now I keep it to myself.

I'm not sure if I used to be more honest and more childlike (in a good way). I'm not sure if I am now using my blog, which used to be a place of honest openness, to paint myself in a good light. I believe that the God in me shines just as clearly through my suffering as He does through my victories.

If I really believe that than I feel that this should be an honest expression of myself. It should serve the same purpose that it had in the beginning.

Tea Please

It would seem
That I always get caught up in things
Again

Somewhere between all my cups of tea
And the seat that I had been sitting on
For eight hours straight in the same coffee shop

I took a good look at myself
And things were tangled back up

I feel differently
Not like the take my breath away
I need you sort of way

But more so "If this is what you want... okay."

It's the pacifist in me

Or the part that knows

That everyday you beg for me to act this way

I'm winning.

This is the realm that I did not want to enter

These were the tangled

INeedtosortthisout

Sort of thoughts
That I did not want to have to sort through

The deeper
More malicious motives
That I'm doing my best to stay away from

But sometimes I running out of places in my head
To fit all of the excuses
And I'm asking for more room
So, I'm throwing out files by the dozen

I'm out of room
And out of tea
Disaster

I'll just take some black tea, please

These excuses are overrated

Her Beauty

The last few days I have felt that words are stuck inside of me. I can not empty a racing mind onto paper, because nothing comes out right or nothing comes out at all. It is as if I have lost the ability to know what I am thinking/feeling. Here goes a change of subject and attempt number 1,000.

Her beauty was that of ink stained roses
Grace of a dove
With a broken wing
Temperament of an angry goddess
And hope as a fading dream

A smile awakened with the pain of a thousand broken hearts
Haunting her one at a time
But when she found the courage
To muster up a turn of her lips
It was the beauty of a child
All grown up
And still so young
So cold

She walked
Casting snow from her scarf and coat
And spoke
In the fear of growing old
Alone

Jaded and jinxed
She found pleasure in many obscure things
Away from the people who licked their lips
As they stared and her swaying hips

And then the poor unsuspecting boys who knew not of their own desire
She steered clear
To keep them out of her lair

And she knew not of her beauty
Not of the pearls that were buried
Under her walls that she had been building
Quickly

Not of the lies
That had been melted down
Into the fibers of her being
Blending so perfectly
That she could not see them
They looked the same as her skin
Pale and painfully lovely

She wonders if it was worth it
But only in moments
Where she hides in secret
Keeping all of her thoughts
From the light

She wonders if the beauty is gone forever
If it only awakens with the snow
And flowed away
As the sun flowed over a crippled soul

She prays for her beauty
To return
Without the pain

She longs to feel
Her own beauty
And then turn around

To see it reflect
From the glass window

Of restored dreams

Thunder

I miss you like thunder and lightening.

I long for your voice
Like I long for the ocean
On a cool summer afternoon

I remember your hands
Like I remember to play the piano
Every line
A graceful melody

I drew a line for you
I built a canyon for me
And now I see
That there is no going back
I must leave you where you lay
And live praying that I learned
From our childish mistakes

But I wondered today
Like I have a million times
If you still think about me

And if you do
What do you see?

Confession

They say that confession is good for the soul

So, take this tape off my mouth
And let me set my soul free

Let me tell you
How I still use this body to abuse

The ways that I kept the secrets in between the sheets
And let my body scream "take me"

I told you to stay away from me
Until could name how I was feeling
But I sought vengeance before I realized
That I was angry

There was nothing left to loose
So I murdered you
By not saying "no"

I kept enough guilt for the both of us
And secretly I thought that you
Would take your share of the blame from me

Love

I know more now
Than I did then

That You love me
Like master pieces and pleasant dreams

You care about the little things
Like waking after a full night of sleep

You want to see me live
Instead of waiting for life to begin
Like hovering in purgatory

It's the words that I need. It's the way I speak love... not the way I love You but the way that You have to love me. The way that I believe.

I could swear today that Your breath wakes me and puts me to sleep. It's the glasses that help me see the world.

Love

Always speak to me in love.

Imagine

I could imagine
That your smile
Would make my knees weak
Imagine
That your beauty would allow me to rest
When that is what I so desperately need
You will be in your own
And meet me
At the fence
I will not have to talk you into
Loving me
Or have you scale my walls
We will meet in the middle
Your arms will feel safe
And my life will take on a new adventure
You with me

The only thing
That is lacking

Is that I still have to imagine
All of these things

"Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin."
"Everybody"
Ingrid Michaelson

Find Yourself

I prefer children now
At least they tend to move forward

Adults take their cemented coping and carry it
And right when you think they are moving forward
It's right back to the start

I get exhausted watching people turn back around
To crawl back in the same holes
That got them in the same old messes
Over and over again

I wish I had a delete button
I could just make people disappear from my life
On days like today
When I just can't take it anymore

I despise the evil in the world
The broken promises
And broken hearts

I don't want you anymore

To turn me into a child in all the worse ways
Wiping away my common sense and experience

I just don't have any more shelf room for you
Just won't fit

Find yourself
Outside of everything you know
Set free what you're supposed to be
And then report to another's heart for duty

And I
Just want to be me


"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others,
that in the end,
we become disguised to ourselves."
Francois de la Roche Foucald

Promises

Begged the rain to fall on broken promises
Maybe if the drops washed the ink away
I could forget that I broke your heart

Begged the ring to fall in the drain
The memories to bury themselves with a sweet abandon
Begged life to be easier for a little girl
Who signed on the dotted line
Without knowing
That she had no ability to hold up a promise of that magnitude

Do I still?
I beg the question
And I seek the answer

I spend my life protecting people from my body
But what about me?
No one's out to protect me
And I do not know how to protect myself

How do I learn to respect a body that I have despised for so long?
I am learning a hard lesson at the throne
On my own
In secret
Where I am keeping
My heart

All At Once

I should get an award for finding the oddest songs that fit my situations so perfectly or are literally what just came out of my mouth. I find a lot of humor in this gift that I seem to possess.

I swear I said this like 2 weeks ago. Oh my life...


"All At Once"
The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Understanding

I need to study, but I am burnt out. So instead, I have been playing all my songs on shuffle to see if I could dance to all of them. Creativity is blooming or being shot down... I can't decide which. I am currently on "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole, which is probably why I decided to sit down and write a poem. I am terrible at slow dancing, and it feels even more awkward when I'm doing it by myself.

Anyways, that has nothing to do with this poem. I have just been alone all day and I needed someone to talk to (even if it is just a computer screen).

I want to write of pain
That I can not remember
I want something dark and soulful
Somethings that describes a place I have been
With beautiful metaphors
That bring emotions to life
Jumping off of a page and escaping into the imagination
As if I were understood for a split moment

I want to dream of how things would be in a perfect world
Where I wouldn't always have to love people enough to let go
I would be able to keep what I love
And hold on
While life sweeps my into the whirlwind
That is always coming my way
I want to dream

I want to be on earth
Where I understand a reality
That is so far from how things should be
But never completely keeps me from hope

I want to see God face to face
And tell Him all the ways I want to love Him
And all the ways that I do

I want to laugh and cry in the arms of my Maker
Tell Him how upset it makes me sometimes
That my lessons always end in letting go
But how grateful I am
That joy always finds me on the other side
I have loved and I have lost
But losing has never been so beautiful

Nothing can get me down these days
I have a Lover
And He understands me

Mourning

I have declared today a day of mourning. It is not because anyone died, but just because my life is changing. I feel everything changing, and I feel new dreams coming alive in me. It is probably a good change and I am excited to see what God is going to do in my life, but with all change, things or people get lost in transition and sometimes it is good to just take a minute to properly lament all that is lost.

Today I went through many old messages and e-mails. I read things I didn't even remember and some of them were deleted because that needed to be the last time that they were read, and others will be read again so I can remember. Life is always moving so fast that it gets easy to loose things in transition. It gets easy for me to forget where I am from and who got me here. Ultimately Jesus got me where I am today, but He has brought people into my life to lead me here too. It amazes me how well Jesus provides. He knows that we are human and that because He is not with us physically we are physical being and we need people in our lives. There are so many people who have come and gone (and some who are still around) who God used to walk with me, pull me when I needed it, or for me to help up and learn how to really love people for who they are in the process. I feel like I don't always give these people enough credit for the impact that they have had on my life, and I don't always take time to be grateful.

I feel an enormous amount of gratitude right now. I do not feel sad. My heart is just still in remembrance. I miss people and I am not afraid to admit it, but I know that more people are always on their way. It doesn't really matter if things ended badly, we just went separate ways, or they are lifelong, I have learned so much from so many. God has always known who I needed and when I needed them. When I thought I was down and out God always had a bigger plan for me, leading me to Him. God knows that I am human and I need relationships. I need people to laugh with, to cry with, and to share my life with.

I feel people moving out of my life and it pains me. Some of them I thought were life long and others have always been seasonal, but God has truly taught me to love. I used to try to stop loving people so that it would not hurt so bad when they left, but now I know that love is always worth while. Through all this I feel like I have learned to love God so much more and through that love other people and the blessings that they have been in my life.

It's beautiful to grow relationships with people and see all the gifts that God has given them (that if used correctly) make the world a better place. I feel like everywhere I turn I find more amazing people who are being transformed by my loving Father.

I do not know how people live without love. It is liberating to love endlessly, to see all the beauty in people and even to mourn change and loss.

Take My Breath Away

Some need to walk on water
Lay out a fleece
Or put their fingers into His hands and feet

But the only miracle I need to believe
Is to see what God has done in me

I feel older
I feel more complete

I will go places and see bigger and better things
The Lord is doing

I will flatten my heart
And pave a road where there is none to be seen
Because I know where life is taking me
I'm going home
To see my King

I will save this restored body
And this heart filled with dreams
For the one who wants to learn to love
Like Christ has loved me

I will pave a road to my Father
Where my children can follow
And know that this is a safe place to be

I will give all of me

The world is big
And love abounds in the shadows
But I will take it with me
I will never hide Jesus in me
Behind the scars and broken dreams
He is bigger than my failures
Bigger than my disappointments
Greater than all that has hurt me
He is alive in me
Restoring all that was broken
All that was taken

He has made me a person worth loving
A complete person
Worth finding
And when love comes to me
He will love me for my strength
Not because I am fragile
He will never ask me to be less than what I am
He will simply ask for me
The whole version of me
Shining through the darkness
Into a world that looks so beautiful to me

So beautiful

You take my breath away

Painting

The swirling
Of colors bold as day
Take me into a painting
Of many brilliant things
Reminding me that I am living
And my feet are walking slowly
But with direction

The shades blend into a purpose
A final painting
That will hang on the wall of the saints
Looking differently from all the other masterpieces
Sitting in a hall of fame
Glorifying God
One redemption at a time

Take my life
And paint more brilliant things
Letting me sit in wonder at the life I have been given
More vibrant and full of life
Than anything I have ever seen
Illuminating something that is me
But looks so differently than who I thought I would be

I am broken into colors
Like fireworks

I am broken so that I can find restoration
Healing in a painters hand
Rebuilding the scene with every stroke
Keeping me in mind
With every new design

I'm learning to love like red
Have bluish grace
And forgive in green
I am learning many things

Remember Me

Today I want my room
I want my bed
I need my solitude

Today I want to walk around
And be happy that no one knows me
And never give them the chance

I want to walk and talk to myself
About all the things I wish I could say
All the things I think

Today I am happy to be with friends
And then happy to be alone

The feeling still hasn't completely come back
And there may be a part of me that is just concerned
That I'm this happy

But I am not fooled by a cruel reality

I will be nicer than I should
I let down my walls to make other people feel better
About their own insufficiency
That's what I do
I am an honest liar

But I know that my world is moving
I know that the people I thought would always be around
Are going
But I am here
In my same chair
Where I watch people move on
And hope that they remember me
Hope that something about me permanently marked their lives

Because one day we will be on other sides of the world
With lost letters and failed attempts to remember one another
And then our memories will be the only places we can see each other
But it fades
Life happens and we forget what made us this way
We forget the people who witnessed our lives
And made me believe in love again
Made me want to stop hating what can not happen
And dance in the love that God has given me
The only thing I ever needed
And never really wanted

But sometimes it concerns me
Knowing that you won't remember me

And I should step out of the scene completely
But friends have a way of sticking with me
Even when no one else remembers

Blessed Assurance

I have peace
The peace that I prayed for months ago
And it found me when I needed it
Two nights ago
In a dream
A dream of dancing in a fountain
With the moon shining so bright
That it could have swallowed me whole
And I wanted nothing more

I will testify
That the joy of the Lord is my strength

And the strength has made everything look differently
Everything looks like the moon and God is my fountain
Pouring mercy over me

The strength to let go
Of an 18 year old girl
Who wanting nothing more in the world but love
A yearning in her heart
Since she was 16 and that door was opened so prematurely

But love awaits me

And I prayed that things would be different
But I prayed for strength if everything turned out the way
I knew it would
And above all else I prayed for God's will

The difference of two short years in me
I want the will of God
More than love from this earth
I want Jesus more than my next breath
More than the people I love
More than the memories that play over and over in me
I want Him more

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted"
I found the verse when I was 14 and it stayed with me
It clung to the broken heart of a 14 year old girl
And it has kept me all these years
The Lord is near to me
And even if my heart has been passed out in a crowd of many
My heart has found completion in the Lord
The broken pieces are restored
And every time they look more like Jesus
I have not a complain in the world

This is what I want my life to be
More of Jesus
And less of me

Book

My life is a book
Of endless possibilities
Keeping me guessing

My life is a child
Watching hearts break through windows
And wondering if I would ever feel the same

My life is a love affair
With a God who put stars in the sky
Last night
Just for me

There are dreams that stay with me
Hope that never dies
And I've been given promises
I don't have to question why
Because I know that there is a rainbow
At the end my sorrows

God has given me rain to dance in
With a freedom I always longed for
And sun to lay
With peace

I have days that I could dance away
And nights when I have to tell myself to breathe
I have to remind my heart to beat

I have a God

And I can't image having survived so many broken hearts without Him
Not having nights
When I could talk to Him
And never question His love for me
Never question that He knows me and He wants me
More than anything
More than the breath He breathed into me when I was a baby
And dying

I can not question God's faithfulness
He has shown me mercy
And this broken heart is all I have to give Him
But it's all He's asking for

He calls me beautiful

I do not understand my life
Not today
But God feels me
And He's mending another broken heart
Slowly
But surely

Making me see that He's made me worthy
He has made me holy

He has simply made me
With all the love I have to give

And I will never regret
I will never apologize for being strong or happy
I will never apologize for being me

And I love you
I love you to all the depths of my being
And I have no regrets
Because it's the deepest parts of my soul
Peaking from behind the window
At the broken hearts
I know that love is never a mistake
And now all I can do is love you enough to walk away
The test of love

God brought you in my life
And He may be taking you away
But I've learned through all the joys and all the mistakes
And knowledge is not wasted
It is not thrown to rot in the street

It is here in my heart
Where I will always hold you dear
Hold the memories so close to me
Where they are always supposed to be

Where God has made me complete
God has given light to all the dark in me
And I am full of life
Full of promise
A hope for a future

I will always love

Afraid

Did I just jump back?
Right now I feel afraid
Again

Why do I always resort back to feeling this way?
The thought of loosing everything for good
Stole the life that I had found
And I feel nothing
I'm walking
But I feel no ground beneath me
I'm floating somewhere between death and life
Again
And I despise this feeling
Yes, I am not hurting
But I'm not living

Secrets and solitude
Do nothing for me and you
Nothing for us
And I'm ready to loose you
While I'm already so void of feeling
It would make it easier
And my depression has proven
To be a black hole sucking everyone in
And I may never forgive myself
If I take you down with me

Right now I want to be alone
I want to believe again
That no one will love me

I want to believe I have nothing to loose
Because I've found myself afraid again
Afraid of loosing all of the things I love
I'm not sure I could live through that again

I'm waiting for bad things to happen
And I hate myself for feeling that way

And when I look in your eyes
I can see your fear too
Fear of being another one of my regrets
But just remember
I don't regret

If I were given the chance to go back and be as perfect as a human can be
I would turn it down in an instance

I like this version of myself better than any I have known
Or any that I've dreamed up
And I would not trade that
Even if it meant that I would not be haunted by these dreams
Or feel the life being scared right out of me
Every time that a strange man touches me
Even just to tell me that I dropped something

I will keep all this scar tissue
I will keep all my jaded insecurities
You could never be a regret
I never regret anything
I just live

So let me find the life that fear as taken from me
And I will smile
No matter what happens to you and me

Never Die

I want to fall
Into arms that will hold me

Life has shown itself as a good many things
Swirling quickly
Acting as if it is never ending
Then stopping suddenly
As if the end were sitting before me

I believe

There's not much to grab onto
But I believe that God is good to me
He always has been and He always will be
So sweet that I can feel Him sweep through my body
To just let me know that He's still around
Appearing in memories
Where I had never seen Him before
But now remember so clearly
That the entire time
He was standing next to me
Reaching
So gently
So loving
Everything that I needed Him to be

I have life
Down to my core
And I always knew
Almost from infancy
That there was something about me
That was immortal
Different from everyone else
And unable to die with my body
There was a spirit in me
A soul, if you will
That looks just like who I am supposed to be
And just like my Father

I have His eyes
Just look
There's a part of me that will never die

Heart

I want to break into your heart
And find a piece of mine
Tacked on the wall
Like a collage of many beautifully broken things

Old

Sometimes I only wake up in the morning
To look in the mirror
And see how much damage time did to my face
While I was asleep
Someone stole my beauty

A Soul

Once I learned how to stop feeling

It became easy to do it again

And again

And again

Easy to detach

To stop caring

So numb to life

That I could allow people to use my body

Without waking a weary soul

To fight back

For a body

That never felt like my own

Is that any way to live

Staring through eyes that feel so disconnected from me

That I'm floating

I need to feel

My soul needs to feel

To live and love

Like tomorrow was never coming

But it's already here

My Reasons

I'll wait years on something
That apparently I don't even want

I'll walk a thousand miles
Just to say that I did

I will be beautiful
Just to be forbidden

And then when I reach my destination
I turn right back around
And head back to where I came from

Little Girl

Do I still look like your little girl?
When I paint my face
And change my hair

How do you know...
That I'm the same little girl who sat on your lap
And demanded that you tell me stories

I don't always know that she's still me

I just see her sometimes
When I get embarrassed
Or exceedingly happy

But you remember more of her than me

Daddy, how do you still know that it's me?

Oh Great God

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Those words always hit me like a ton of bricks. Today I found myself having a tough time trusting God, and a tough time trusting myself. I was listening to "Small Enough" by Nicole Nordeman. I've been listening to this song almost half my life now (I feel old). This song has been my constant reminder every time that I've found myself sad and unsure, every time I just needed someone to love me... to hold me.

"oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now"

It's easy for me to think of God as big and great. It's easy for me to look up in the sky and know that He knows every star and every galaxy. Sometimes it is just hard for me to realize that the same God who holds the world in His hands has a special place in His heart just for me. As small and insignificant as my problems are, He cares. That thought is so much bigger and more inconceivable that the stars have ever been to me. It's hard for me to believe.
Today I found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of downtown Atlanta refusing to get up until I believed that. I didn't just want to believe, at that moment it seemed almost life and death that I grasp this concept down to the core of my being and find rest at His feet. No matter what I've had or how many of God creations I have worshiped instead of Him... no one ever really cared about me the way I am supposed to be cared for and I'm starting to think that no one ever can. I can't help but think that God knew that when He was creating the world and He knew that He could only ever be the one for me.

It's comforting to know that God doesn't need me, but He wants me.

Roads

Things are moving
But I feel calm
At peace

I've been down so many roads
That I have come to believe that wherever this goes
God has something great for me
I just have to believe

God is holding me
While I'm exhausted and stumbling
And it's alright
I don't always have to stand up straight

I'm still happy
God, I'm still free

Quiet

The morning is so still
So quiet
The only one making noise is me
And I'm just breathing
The breaths of someone who knows what's coming

And it's okay

Grow

Grow up
Then do me a favor
And don't find me

I'm happy
And for the first time I know that I am worthy

I am worth more than "maybe"
More than the possibility of something

Today I know
That someone will love me
Take me as I am
And never wish he had done things differently

But you are cheap wine
In an expensive bottle
And I drank too long
Before I decided
That it's not worth the time
... or calories

I am not waiting for any of you to be worth my time
Because you keep wasting it

I am a pearl
That has been sitting in mud for so long
That I couldn't see what I was worth

Now I know
That I am worth more
Than what I have been taking

For your sake become the man you were always supposed to be
Still flawed
But open to the world
So unpredictable
But lovely enough
That when you find something worth having
You grab onto it like the rest of the world has fallen away to nothing

But not me
Because as arrogant as it seems

I'm grown
And I need someone who is grown enough to grow with me

Just me

Happy

Everyday I become more of me
Less needy
Less overcompensating for what's missing
But just me
It's good to be alive
To be free
And feeling

Did this happen slowly or all of a sudden?
But I'm looking at myself from outside
And
I smile knowing
Who I've become and where I'm going

It's a beautiful thing

I used to think
That I could travel to a place where the grass was green
Where things would fall into place
It would be easier to wake up and look in the mirror

But no matter where I went

It was always the same story
Just different scenery

Maybe life is not as much about seeking
As if happiness is a destination

It's about a journey
Almost standing still
Learning to open my eyes
And see what is right in front of me

See who I was made to be
Letting Him pull me closer everyday

And then without ever looking for it
Or expecting

I find myself sitting in this chair
Feeling
Happy
Wondering how I ever felt any differently

Rest

When I find your arms
Can I stay?
Resting on something I can feel beneath me

I want the world to disappear
So I can rest for a few years
Never deeming it wasted time
Just catching up on the last 8 years
Feeling like I could never be still
Even in my sleep
Life keeps moving

One day you will know that I pray for you
But not by name
I don't know your name
But I pray

I pray that you be kept safe
That you will find me one day

And that we bury our weaknesses in each other's embrace
Only to find strength

I look for that day

Until then
Sleep well

Keep open eyes and an open heart

I'm always around
Just look in the right direction
I'm easily found

God Forbid

I'm going to call it a bad day

I'll call it a mood

But God forbid I claim it

God forbid I deal with it
Not filling my schedule with more things I don't have time for
So I never have to sit and think
God forbid

There was a crack in the cement running from one side to the next. I wondered if people would still walk here if it were perfect. Someone would stake their claim on something worth having, not today. So, I'll step over the crack and walk away.

Same thing
I will never be loved enough to be claimed

I am forgiven
But still tainted enough in the eyes of men
That I'll always be the friend or the last resort
That's who I am

I tried to change and I tried to lie
Burying the me inside
And finding my mask
With the happy smile and sad eyes
I tried

To hope that one day I would have a family
Of my own

But nothing I could wear, do, or say
Can take away
These things people see
Sense
Know
It's the intuition of human nature

So now I will love myself enough to walk away
I will love myself so much that I don't ever settle for being the last resort
I am the first catch or I am nothing at all
Work fine on my own

And if I get lonely
I'll buy a dog

I am and will always be convinced
That things were never meant to be like this

God never meant for me to feel this way

But today I want to see things
Instead of making my own reality
Where I am lovely

If that cement could talk it would apologize for not being perfect, but never desire to be beautiful. People shame the beautiful as if they were put here to lead people astray.

Don't apologize
If you haven't done anything wrong

You're Dreams

I hope you're not waiting
For things to be as neat as they are in your dreams
Life is outside of those things
But if you open your eyes
Life is beautiful right around it's jagged edges

Life is amazing
Right here on earth

Get out of your head
And realize that eventually
You'll have to make a decision
Make it beautiful

My Fire

Place your strong hands on my life
Until it shutters

Like approaching a fireplace
To warm numb limbs
From a lifetime in the cold
The burn of knowing that things will be better from now on
That my body is warming
And once the pain passes
I will feel again

Be my fire

And when I look at your hands for the thousandth time
Realizing that they are the last hands I ever want to hold
I'll keep them with me
To shield me from the cold

It's Alright

I closed my eyes every night
To listen to your voice in my head
The only place that it still lived

I tried so hard not to forget you
Until one night I let you slip away
I forgot to remember you
Forgot to let you out of your cage
To live in my mind

Every boy after you
Just made me miss you more
And the only time I hated you
Was when
For one second
I thought that if you had stayed with me
No one else could have ever touched me

I'm sorry
Sorry that I blamed you for even a second
For what happened to me

You were too pure
You were too perfect
Too much of everything I ever wanted
And I can never hate you
I can never wish anything more
Than that God had spared you
From yourself

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to keep you around
I couldn't bring you back to earth

I wish you could see my life now
I wish you could be proud
That I'm not so sad anymore
I'm not so young anymore

I am slightly more jaded
But close enough to earth that I can feel a heart beat
Close enough
That people move me

I was too young to know better
To love you better

I could have been more

But that wasn't the beginning
Of feeling like I couldn't do anything
Right

It just sat there in the back of my mind
And sometimes at night
I could feel you hold my hand
And things didn't seem so lonely

I could feel you kiss my bruises that others inflicted on me
I could feel you cry over the cuts that I put all over me

I could feel you

But it was never enough
Because the second I turned around you were gone

Always gone

The First Day... Again

I find myself hesitant to write. I know my language will do this no justice.

A day never existed
As beautiful as this
Magnificent in the flows
And gracious to the mind

This is the day

Whether or not I believed in Love
Love always believed in me
Me
So unlovable

First loves are a constant memory
Always tugging at the same strings
Of broken hearts

Today is a good day to say
That I wear a broken heart on my sleeve
But my first Love is mending it slowly

He's more sweet than I imagined Him to be
Gentle to my rugged ways
And soft to a hard heart
He is my everything

Once upon what seems like another life
I refused to see
But He was always looking at me
Refusing to run away
He was the first who cared enough to stay

I find myself so weak
The trait that I have despised most
Since the day I first looked in a mirror
And learned how to hate
But now my weakness is so sweet
Fueling my only Love
Showing His strength

Fearing to dream
I thought of many things
And nothing I could fathom
Was nearly as beautiful as what I've seen

These are the moments
That would last a lifetime
If the world were a fair place
But while I feel
I will feel every depth
Every angle
All the liquid parts flowing through my distorted being

I cry with a grateful heart
I cry with a soul that was once lost

I am free
And I am loved

I never thought I would find either of those things

But He found me
When no one else could find me

I am alive

I Envy Her

Everything is nearly perfect
And everything that isn't
Only makes her more beautiful

When I close my eyes I can see her
I can see all of her graces
All the ways she pulls them in

I have no desire to know this girl
But I'll always wish I was more like her

I'll always wonder what would have happened
If I could go back and do my life over
As perfectly as possible
Dotting my I's and crossing my T's
Making sure that everything was so sweet
So innocent
So... unlike me

Maybe I could be her
With no story
But the ones that she reads
In her perfect books
Filled with perfect pages
Touched by lovely hands

It's a strange feeling
To be so jealous of someone I don't even know

Driving

Ready to cry

Drive to anywhere

Watch the rain try to wash away my car
And keep on going like I don't notice
Just the way I like to do it

I'm ready to fall backwards
Ready to laugh at the things I can't change
And drop the things I can

I'm going to say this once
Because I might not think this tomorrow

But you don't deserve me...
None of you
And I'm tired of pretending
That any of you ever have a chance
Of getting to touch me

I'm going to keep driving
And I'm dropping this town as soon as it sets me free
Just like every other time
I'll leave the people with the ground

It hurts to leave
But it hurts worse when you come around

Stick your ground

..............

Dress me up or down
Which ever way you want me

Keep my mouth taped shut
And you won't ever have to ask me what I think

Tell me to get down on my knees
And I will do as you please

Is it better to show you what you can't have
Or watch you take what you can't see

I have my doubts

But I'll still role play
In whatever costume you have for me today
And I'll still smile when you tell me to be myself
While begging me to wear something better suited for yourself

Your denial is the most amusing thing left in this relationship

Don't get near me

Leave me be

I am moving along just fine

And no matter how much anyone knows about me

I'll still be a mystery


Now, try and find me

Today

Today, it's too hard to be me, but nearly impossible to live outside my body. I'm speaking to fast and thinking too slow. It's the trimmers again. Withdraw.

I am not sure what to do
When I forget I have a loving Father
I get so confused
When my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears
And I'm desperate
To be heard
Or to be saved
To remember that this is not my shame

I feel anxious. My mental health is fading, and I'm refusing to walk away. Why do I make things so hard on myself? I know I can't have much to say, and talking with my hips is exhausting and always sending... all the wrong signals but not the ones you would think. I breathe in my depravity. I breathe out my wounds. My exit wounds look worse than the entrance and I don't know how to cover them anymore.

I can't love myself enough to be beautiful
Not today

I can't hate myself enough to give up
Not today

I'm existing to purgatory
I'm looking at the world through distorted glass
And the more I see
The less I know


See, she was down so far that no one could find her, and now that I'm looking I wish to forget the journey. Always dividing up the assets of a divorce like change to the poor. Divorcing her sin felt like cutting away the only part of her that she was convinced she didn't hate.

See, she is me. I am her, and somewhere in the distance is who I'm supposed to be.

Today, I feel lost.
Not hopeless
But hurt
So hurt that I'm no longer breathing
I'm living on osmosis
Living on passive things

I'm tired of apologizing
Tired of praying that God would forgive me
For being

Take Love

Give me something dark and beautiful
To mask what I can not say

Let beautiful words fall from your lips
Memorize me with your truth or lies
The difference will fall in the air

Play on words until I cry
Leaving me to lay in my peace

Escape the hands the bury me in my sleep
Without ever having to let it leave me
Know that I have dreams
About dying

If there were breath to be taken
Take it from me
There is no need anymore
To keep love for me

There is love buried in me
Set it free

Set me free

Standing In

There's something about all this
That disgusts me down to the core of my being

And I can't shake it

But I'm not sure that I would
Even if I knew how

There is innocence in this midst of all this
As hidden as it may seem

As much as this repulses me

There's something that tells me
That it's never hopeless as long as I'm feeling

The enemy of love is apathy

So, even my pain is part of the solution
I'm holding out for those who have already let go

I'll be your stand in

Everything I Have

So many years
Grabbing onto shaking lamp posts
Floating feathers
And the back of cars
Moving as fast they go

Attached to temporary things
Wishing for them to stay
Watching them fall
Watching them move away

Withdrawing
Was the water on a seed of self loathing
Detaching
Made a cold chill down to the marrow in my bones

Never taught to respond
Or taught myself
Life
I spoke death
Into my soul
Believing that it was a way to live a life

Trying to ignore the darkness

It whispered to me
So lightly
That I could make my ears learn
To stop listening
Yet there was a dark cloud following death
For years I saw it moving slowly towards me
And then hovering
Over the everglades
Ice caps of a frozen heart
Begging for life

Sitting in the back of my eyes

Feel

I lay naked and exposed
The only way I know to live
But the sun of the desert beats down on my heart
It runs into the streets
To people who love me

Love was never a good enough reason to stay

I can not help but wonder
If my heart is finding more homes
In more temporary things

I can not keep anything in my hands
To save my life
Literally to save my life

Prove me wrong
Please
I have been waiting my whole life
To be proven wrong

Stay
Please stay
Love me always

Do not let my heart wash away
Do not bury it before my body

I'm finally alive for the first time

I do not hurt the way I did
But I remember
I remember every second of every heartbreak
Every bit of pain is imprented my brain

I desire to be honest today
I want to tell God that I need Him here
Tangible so I can feel Him in my hands
Feel Him wrap around my exposed self
Wash my weary eyes

Be the only One who will ever prove me wrong
The only One to stay
Never go away

Ashes

In the breeze still lull
Everyone is silent
Out of respect
Or shock
But still
No noise
Life just changed again
Unlike the little ways that it moves everyday

It jumped

Give me a moment
Let me stand
Soak in the ashes and filth of what was burned
And dream of what will be
With all the frightening uncertainty that it brings
Let me have that moment
Just for me
Realizing that in this visible uncertainty
I have no more self led direction
Than I did before

I believe
That He gives beauty for ashes

50

Feel me
Please

Know me
Why not?

Don't make me beg
I'm too proud for that

Find me
I'm not hiding

Breathe into me
I'm suffocating

Take the hands that are choking me
And despise them

Do it for me
Not who you want me to be
Just for me

Savior

Tried to explain innumerable times
And continue
Possible to the very day
I'm taken away

Words never wrapped around it
Minds left to wonder
How great a Love
Desperate for a savior

I remember
Desperation
Down to the very core of my being
Forgetting pride for the first time
Admitting my own need
Laying on the same floor
Until I heard something
Anything
That life and death feeling

I desire that floor
My heart yearns for the same desperation
That I felt back then

And I know
That today I need a savior
The same as I needed Him years ago

It's the prayer of my being
Every cell in my body exhales
The same need

I will sing a song about the indescribable
A love that sinks to the core of my being
And tells me that I'm not alone
Even when no one is around


When
My parents are six feet down
And I'm on the floor again
Breathing through the cracks in the wood
Desperate

Exactly where
Love finds me

And everything I have
Is nothing that I ever wished for
Nothing I ever deserved

It's bigger than a little girl dreamed
Brighter than the crayons stains
More lovely than the dresses and pearls
The imagination of a little girl

Deeper than all the depths of me

Love in a Savior

For Me

I never want you to die
But I can't say I gave it much thought either

I'm not sure if I wished you handsome
Or just wished you strong
But I wished all the same

I wished you to be wonderful
Yes, I do remember wishing for that

But you frighten me
Not knowing you
And when I do
Is it the real you?
Or just a matter of time before you transform
Into someone new

I don't want to live without you

But what if you make all my biggest fears come true?

What if you were everything I ever wanted you to be
Until the late nights at the office
And the cold side of the bed where you used to lay

What if you just stopped caring?

You stopped listening when I was talking
And then I realized
That just like everyone else
You were caught by my charm
My uniqueness
The shockingly inappropriate first remarks
Or my mystery

But in the end
I wasn't enough to keep your attention

And so my loyalty would lead me to clean
To cook better
Look better
Love better

Always wishing that I didn't have to fight
To be good enough

That maybe there was someone
Maybe there could be someone
Who would love me for me

Wanting to spend everyday
Getting to know better
All the ways that he will love me
As infinite as all the things there are to know
About me

Battle

These thoughts move like hurricanes
Destroy like volcanoes
And appear like the wind

These are the things that keep me grounded
To nothing
An illusion that something is beneath my feet
Breaking the fall between me and eternity

The battle rages inside me

To God be the victory
And to hell with Satan

The battle is bigger than me

You see?

This is a battle that has been going on
Since the woman and the tree
This battle now lives in me

And I refuse to let the enemy take hold of me
Because his death grip squeezes the breath out of my lungs
And it's already hard enough for me to breathe

I wish I did not name the field lonely

Standing in the front lines
I see no one by my side
And If I forget to call God tonight
Than I will be a bullet sponge
One more time

Not again
These sins are forgiven
Lies hold no place in my life
And the enemy has no authority over my mind

It was all put behind
And I'm tired of fighting tonight
So I will crawl again
Beaten up and broken down
Into the arms where Love is found
The arms of God
Where I rest

I want earthly love no more

This grace is all I need
Rest is all I hoped for

Free

Touch me without making me bleed
You produced a DIC
And now I have half a change of surviving
Tell me
What will it be?
Revive me
Second thought, don't touch me

Just sit
And move me
So deeply
That I'm out of body
Again
I've left the vicinity
Chase me
But not if you don't plan on keeping me
With you
The only place I ever wanted to be

Sing deeply
Sing freely
Sing only to me

And if you really love me
If you ever really loved me

Set me free

Asleep

So pleasant
So divine
Everything I wanted
Nothing that I expected
Just more
So much more than a mortal minds hoped for
Or dreamed
In the moment between awake and asleep
Where You found me

A Beautiful Mess

This may be a little self absorbed, but this is just how I feel. I found this song the other day and when I was listening to it it felt like the writer had met me. I'm not getting married anytime soon but whoever I do marry will have to feel the same way about me that he feels about this girl. This girl has to be my twin. :)

"A Beautiful Mess"
Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are

We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

... I love it.

If It Kills Me

This song is... fantastic... :(

Lies

Had a strange feeling
That even if I could have read your mind
I would still have believed all of your lies
It was the places you took me with your eyes
Outside of my body
And back into the sky
Where my body felt that it had belonged
All along

The way beauty coerced itself into our lives
And became the bond between us
Even when everything else kept us miles apart

You had my heart

White Walls

Walking down those white halls
Everything blended so perfectly
Only slightly more narrow at the end

There was a strong sense of familiarity
But she remembered clearly

Being fourteen

And thinking

Those walls were there to keep her sane
Yes, that was it
She must

Have
Been
Crazy

But now
Those walls were just there to blend into a desired life
And
To remind her
That she was never going to be anywhere else
But there

Things never really got easier
Her hands shook violently as she opened the door
While wiping the nervous smile off of her face
So he wouldn't see through her
He couldn't see through her?

Sitting in the same chair
She wondered again why she was there
Saying,
"Are you going to try to talk to me again?
I could make your job easier and pay you
To sit, just sit."
He calmly sat
Pulling together his notes from all the other sessions
Dating back to that first frightening encounter with the white walls
At age 14

The minutes passed...
She may have escaped
Just in time for him to say
"This isn't about me. What happened to you?"
That nervous smile popped right back onto her face
And she replied "They took my body, but they won't ever take me."

The anthem of her painful living days sat in that one statement
It defined her for so long
That she was no more than a dirty body
And an ice heart
She was a living rag doll

The only thing she prayed at night was
That her soul stay unstained
The way she dreamed that she would be
In her entirety
... so young
So naive

As painful as it was
She grew up eventually
Still feeling the pains of her many yesterdays
But knowing oh so calmly
That she would never be complete
Not on this earth

Still unloved
And still fighting the memories
She went so long
Pretending to be okay
And now again
She's realizing
Why she needed a heart of stone

Because the vultures take what you give them
Everything

Take my body
But don't ever touch me


The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. She tattooed it onto her skin with pen so many times that it rang like church bells in the back of her brain. She was just hoping that one day she could say it out loud, and tell everyone unashamedly that her heart what hurting without wondering... when are they all going to leave me?

My bags are packed and sitting by the door.

Come Back to Me

Take that pretty head out of the sky
Come back to earth
Look me in the eye

Are things really as good as they seem?
Or once again are you lying to me
Living in a dream
That you desperately want to call reality

Be here with me

Talk about things as if you needed not save face
Say all the things
That you've been fearing all these years
We've been away

If you want to hide the truth
Hide your body
Because it's running down your sleeves
Come back to me

Don't say that God will take care of it
Because I know for sure that you don't believe that
Stop telling me that you're taking it a day at a time
This has all become more than a lie
This is you're life

And this is me
Offering a hand
Watching you sink

Fly With Me

Born into the woods of desperation
Fallen out of the nest to learn to fly
With clipped wings

Again to ponder love saving us
For one another

Two lovely looking sets
Of clipped wings

Learn to fly
So I can fly with you
But even if I take flight
Into the tops of the trees
Marked with desperation
Exhaling hope
It does no good
I can not carry your weight with me

Breathing life into my childhood dreams
I see more than me

Unclasp your wings
Fly with me
And we won't ever have to touch the ground again
We'll float off into our dreams
Unspoiled by the way things are
Instead lived out the way they were meant to be

But I can't wait for you to use your wings
I fly
Wherever the wind takes me

Time is running out
I'm gone
But I shed a tear for the memories
Knowing that all that's left to gain
Is everything

Come with me

Down in Flames

Move away from the ledge
I am tired of your games

And it's not fair
That even if you don't care
I have to

But you're the only salvation
For this desperate situation
And I'm tired of casually talking
In the middle of this burning building

I have to get out now
But I'm glued to the floor

And you just keep telling me
To stop talking about the burning building
And just make some light conversation...

So I will talk about the weather
While my tears try to put out the fire
That has now reached my feet
And you will answer just as calmly

Can't you see?
Your denial takes a toll on me

And I can't save you
You don't want to save yourself
But as pathetic as it is
I'll burn in this building
Because most days I would rather go down with you
Than spend a day without

You brought me back from the dead
You gave me life
And you gave me everything I needed
To go down in these flames
Were you preparing me for this day?

The Voice

Floating on at least half the clouds in the sky
Or from what can be detected by a human eye

Flirting with the wind
Chasing the rays of the sun
Reach down
Touching with a firm hand
The deepest parts
Of a human

Asking with all sincerity
"Who are you?
Not just today
But in everything.
Who are you?"

And a person
Or speaking for myself
I
Might quote all the things I do
All the things I have done
All the things I hope to be...

But all the while I mask the fact
That I can not be sure
If any of that is really me

So, I have but one reply
And I can not speak for everyone
I can not even be sure if I am right

But I said to the sky
"I am human
I am a women
And I wish to be a servant
I am humbled by the world around me
And foolishly prideful
About gifts that only God has given me
I am a stranger in a foreign land
I am a skeptic
And I don't trust man
I am human
I am trying
And by the grace of God
I have started to see what it means to be loving
I am always learning"

The voice in the sky never replied
The wind never told me if I was right
The rays of the sun never painted answers
On my scorching body

But I pray it is enough
That I am learning

And as always
When I am not enough
God's grace covers me

Sex

Get your sex out of my bed
The infectious life sucking sex
You disgust me

I cleaned those sheets for day
Then I threw them away
And finally
I took them outside
Poured enough lighter fluid on them
To blow up a small town
And I torched those suckers

Sex is the disease
That flowed out of them
And onto me
Onto my sheets
And into my dreams
... or nightmares

Sex, get away from me

You're slippery under my feet
Making sure that I always slip
Whenever I'm not looking

That's just who you are
A tricky little mind game

I don't need you
And I wish I didn't want you
But until you become somethings
That doesn't always destroy everything

It's best that you just leave me be

The Cross

Tonight
I stand
In awe
Of God
Of the second chance that is my life

The world swirls around me
Sometimes an infinite evil
That is too much for my weary heart to stand

But abandonment
Is not a claim of mine
God did not abandon me in this life

I stand
Humbled
By the grace that has been bestowed upon me
And never in my life have I been less deserving

The time I have is too short
To give God all of me
Enough to believe that I ever deserved to be set free
So I will just rest
With the gift He has given me

Jesus,
Let me be used for Your glory
May Your light forever shine through me
Make everyday a new chance for my life
To give You glory

Today my burdens roll away
To the foot of the cross

My Pride

Today, the first new day I've seen in weeks
The first time that I am outside my wheel of thoughts
Seeing that life
Is bigger than me

Back to the way I'm supposed to be
Lightly floating
But close enough to call this earth
My temporary home

This is not the first or last mistake to be made
I needed to find out who I was from everyone around
When God was offering me a look through a real set of eyes
For another first time

See, this is just my pride
Thinking that mortal thoughts are the final say so in my life
This is just my pride

10

If I say everything out loud
Will it destroy me?
Or set me free?

Will you ever live up to your word
And love me for me
Or do I always have to wonder
If I can say something
That will run you away
For good

Where is mercy
Where is unconditional love
Did I warp them in my own head?
Allowing myself to think that they don't exist
And people are only able to love me
When I'm happy

Does it really exist
And my fear of being really loved for me
Allows me to keep
Everything to myself

Talking to Me

Your pain hurts me
The face stays with me
Chasing me into wanting to understand everything
Wanting to see you again
Just to tell you
That God is holding you

I want to tell you
To get his hands off of you
You're not as numb as you think
You feel the way that his hands chase you
Right into his fantasy

I know you always feel him near you
His eyes watch you like the next meal
You feel
Trust me, you feel

Time warped dreams
Going back
Talking to me

6 days

The past 6 days, what a classic example of my need to overcompensate for how sad I am. Keep busy, stay longer, talk more, and maybe I won't be lonely anymore. I don't trust the way I feel, and I loathe my negative emotions. How irrational? So then I get to loathe myself for feeling. What a viscous cycle?

I still have a hard time telling God that I get sad. I hesitate to tell Him how angry I am that I let myself get used... again. I talk a lot of crap for someone who doesn't do anything. "It's all in my head. It's all in my head." I'll keep saying it. Never doubt the power of denial. For six days we've been realizing why we used to be best friends. Rekindling a relationship... nothing wrong with it?

Oh but best of all, don't forget the lies. Oh the lies I tell to protect the things I won't. I didn't come this far to let you get to know me... just because you asked.

Healing

I remember

The way you made me feel
When you were not around
How you controlled my actions
When you were no where to be found

I allowed every look
To pierce my soul
Throwing me to the ground
Begging for air
Crawling... on the floor

I gave you more power in my own head
Than you ever took from my body
I hated you enough to make you the center of my life
An all consuming gravity

I dragged on that journey
I hated everyone
For what you did to me
I was so self absorbed
That you melted right into me



It was the most painful process of my life
But it was the best thing I ever did for myself
Facing you
My favorite demon to hate
And then realizing you were not enough
To keep me living

I had to seek peace

In the Almighty
Everlasting
The only One who could ever reach straight through me
And know my soul
The only One who never let go
Never hurt me
Never deserted me
He didn't leave me for the prom queen

He simple loved me
And taught me to breathe
Whether that be standing
Or once again crawling
On the floor

I traded in my idol
Mashed you to the floor
And God swept you up
And gave me more than I ever dared to hope for

I Should Have Put You in Your Place

DO NOT TOUCH ME
I said it before
But apparently not loud enough

And when words fail
As they always did
I will fight
Drawing as much blood as I possibly can
With these fists and fingernails
Hoping that this time I leave you
Nothing but a shell

See I did not understand
Your foul manipulation
Your selfish antics
Rude remarks

If only I had seen things
For what they really are
I would have mustered up all the courage
That everyone women must possess
And put you to rest

And even though I know
Nothing will change
I could have helped pave the way
For those who come after me
They should not sit at home
Wondering if it is happening to someone else

Because I do

I Can't Fix It

Blink three times
Snap my fingers twice
And look at you once
Then everything will be perfect
Is that not the way it works?

A quick fix
A superstitious trick
That what I need to perfect
Us

It gets dangerous
When I find myself saying
"If things were different"
I find myself wishing
I was not so afraid
If only I was willing to lay
Everything on the line

But last time I did that
I swore that it would indeed
Be the last time

What happens when two people are so incapable of love
So unable to take a chance
So self focused
But foolishly hopeful?

I guess they just live in disappointment

I write again

I spied on you today
The first time in months/exactly one year
First time in awhile
I beg the easy way out
Make you disappear off this planet
Waiting for me somewhere else
I'm not in love with you
But I will always love you
Begging each memory to grow more dem
Erasing the taste of every kiss

Lack of sleep makes it easy to cry
Easy to remember
The summer makes love seem stronger
The nights make being alone seem lonelier
You make me seem older
The pictures make everything alive
Again
When I thought I put you to rest

Easy to move on
But until then
Hard to not be lonely

Don't Fall for Me. Set Me Free.

Remember me
Without falling
See how simple it could be?

Step out of my dreams
Allowing me to paint a thousand pictures
With more vibrant colors
And better places to be

Hearts long
As minds think
Moving slowly
Trying to enjoy the little time they have left
Born on life support
Walking on egg shells

Be of some use

I wish I could have realized
Before I took out the trash

That I was going to need
To use you again

What a waste
I know I didn't want you
I know I threw you away
But come back now
Because I need to use you again

About me

I wish I could reach out
Grab onto you with a grip
That intends on never letting go

And more than anything
I wish you felt the same about me

More than a dream

Blessings

I am innately selfish
Self absorbed and foolish

Blessings flow from the buildings
Finding me
Wheeling
Around in every direction
Finding me
A small reflection
Of what I still do not deserve
And still take for granted

I ran from God for so long
And He didn't need me
But He sought to make me strong
Which foolishly
I already thought I was
Selfishly
I thought I could be anything
Without Him
But He brought me
Back
He chased me as I ran
And looked at me
As I continued to look at my own feet

How little I deserve these blessing
But how abundantly they still flow
Never ceasing to amaze me
Leaving me wishing that I knew more suffering
That I may know His peace even more
That I may be a disciple