Friday, January 15, 2016

I loved You

I loved you
The way I was afraid that I would 
The kind you get lost in, drowns you
Digs up bits and pieces I never knew were there

I loved you
Between the floor boards
And wood and bricks and sand 
And a world I always wanted

I wasn’t prepared

I was afraid of this love
Since the first time I lost myself 
Never really to be found again

I didn’t know all the things that can come to the surface
All the holes I’d dug in my heart
And left uncovered

I loved you
And that love made the holes look much deeper
I tried to put your love into them
Swore this would make me whole

You did not fit
And I blamed you for not being
What you were never meant to be

But my love left me exposed
Showed me just how many people left their belongings in my life
Took bits and pieces of me and left memories for the lonely nights
Made me more fragile than I wanted to admit
More afraid 

I loved you
Almost as much as I loved feeling strong
Being  untouchable is a drug of its own
And much more appealing
Than the vulnerability that sprang up inside of me

You were supposed to fix me
I needed your love to fix me

Too grown for my own good
More naive than I meant to be

I left your love 
For a sunshine
That was burning me 
But looked much like the biggest hole inside of me

Maybe this love will fit the hole… 

Maybe the next love won’t hurt so bad…

Maybe my eyes are just opening to broken things
That can not be fixed

Maybe in this world
The hardest part is learning
Some pains we just have to life with

Thursday, January 7, 2016


You may call me coward 
Blind, or self obsessed 

You may call me a depth I’m afraid to reach into 
A force among complacency 
Never meant to blend 
But dying to all the same 

I walked through shrapnel 
Let my feet snag on objects that once were 
Filed through my list of things, people who I wanted to fit holes 
But they were never the right size
Never looked right 
Changed me in ways I did not like 
I am a chameleon blaming the world for my change in color 
Setting bombs in my life

It is easier to walk away from things that can not be fixed  

Train in The City

The train had too many stops 
Life begins on one of them
She is sure
This can not be it

It is at one of those stops
The lights pass each time the train door opens
She clutches the bottom of her seat saying
… maybe there is something better on the next one 
Waiting for a sign 
Something bright 
Saying this is it 

This is where your life starts 

The years keep passing
Like reminders of wasted opportunity 
Of things built and discarded 

The increasing gray on the roads
Looking for bright lights 

Wearing a ring from the men who was going to give her children
A shirt from the one she met last night
A little hope that there is a love she won’t break

The city is lonely 
But the further she gets out the more it smells like death
Like wasting away
Hanging yourself on a picket fence 
Waiting for the bright lights to save her again