Wednesday, October 27, 2010


The quiet moments called
Out of the chaos of my life
Coffee to stay awake
And wine to sleep
Day to day blending perfectly
Into a mass confusion

The quiet was calling
Quiet was the distance and destination

Quiet is an unpredictable demon
And staying too busy has a predictable
Sort of unpredictability...
A lack of thinking
Instantaneous instincts.. and I'll decide if that was a good decision

Later never comes
They told me once
And I'm still not listening
I walk through life with my hands over my ears
Screaming "Just point to the right direction"
Can you hear me?
Because I can't hear you...

They tell me to do more
More and more
Be better and better
And no one is telling me when more becomes enough
And better becomes the best
And how do I stay there?

I'm talking too fast again
But I don't have time to speak slowly
Don't have time to beat around the bush
To tell you the point that I'm trying to make


... my stillness
My solitude
Seeing clearly
Only serving to confuse me

I know my demons are still lurking in the shadows
And it's the quiet that lets me see
How frequently I dance with them in the madness
That they are at the bottom of shot glasses
They are in between the sheets in my bed room
Around me


It's where I want to be
If I were more brave
Had a little more feeling in my hands


Remind me...

... that He loves me
And I burn deeply
As if someone has been watching me this whole time

And He wants me

He wants me
And I want to burn
Burn with the joy of feeling
The ground beneath me
Standing still

Sunday, October 17, 2010


It was a desperate place

Mostly consisting of open legs
And shut mouths
Just the way you like us
Perfectly content to fit into your own definition
Of women

I wondered if things would be different
Growing up
If getting older would make things better
And suddenly someone would want to take me out to dinner
Without laying down his back seat for the ride home

I wondered

I think
You know I think

Things will be the same

I know
Maybe I know

That this is the way that life will be

I could change
Oh yes, I could change
Just give me a few moments
A pair of scissors
And some tape
I'll be different before you know it
I promise

It's true what they said
More maybe it's just that no matter what I try
The truth won't replace these lies
Sitting in my head with a cocktail and a cigarette
Planning to stay, at least for the night

You ruined me
And I ruined myself
A couple of times and over again
Just to make sure that I didn't leave any work unfinished
I hate half way done... jobs

I swear that this wasn't supposed to be my life
I swear and I beg
And nothing will change
My story is the same as it was yesterday
And equally painful to remember
Thinking of all the things
That I no longer get and no longer deserve
I didn't mean too
I was young
I was too young, you know
Have you been there before?
You must have
Because you're old as dirt
And I really don't think you were born that way

.... breathe
Once for me
And twice for the memories

I know that I will never be whole. Not on this earth, not in this lifetime. I know that I can never erase the past or my memories. I know that he will stay with me. I know that he is with me. His ring clad finger still sits on my hips while I'm walking. This is where I found God. Have I never told you? As selfish as the day I was born. I found God hoping that I could believe. That even if my story never changes. The only thing I really own. Maybe I could be whole after death. Maybe there is such a thing as ... second chances.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


My solitude stood still
In the incandescent lighting of a child's face
Brilliantly placed in the middle of my world
Where I stopped... running

They stood looking at me
Through me
And straight into my saint and unworthy
Seeing only

Laid barren my guilty conscience
And ask with all the courage of those
Too young to know how to be afraid

"Why do you fear?"

Life always was
And always will be beautiful

Through tile floors and skid free socks
From holes in our chests
And wheezing from our lungs
Punctured veins
From used up vessels
We are blessed

Life is short
And life is long

We are everything and nothing
Just soon enough to figure out
Than we want something that we don't have

Just breathe

It will be alright
In the face of a child
Who knows not of short lives
Because everyday is one more lifetime
And every laugh feels like the first time

And from those faces
I found meaning in my life

Stop thinking and start living
This is life
And we are blessed to be at each other's sides
Holding children
And the hands crippled with arthritis
Begging us to try and not think about
Getting old
And dying

Death is a new journey

And these children
Dared me to live unafraid
Dancing on the edge of eternity