Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Wish That I Had Been Brave

I wish that your white hair never reminded me of tombstones and goodbyes
I wish that when I held your hand
The folds in your skin did not look like God releasing your body from your soul
So it would be easier to fly home
I wish that your laugh did not sound just like my dad
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had not been to so many funerals
Was not so well acquainted with cadavers 
Who looked like people I loved
Had  not been so young
And so familiar with death
That I could feel him in your walk 
Sinister smile standing over my shoulder
Coming for us all
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had loved stronger than death
That I had brushed your white hair while you fell asleep
Because it was the only way you could sleep in the end
Wish I had told you that your face has been in every memory since I can first remember
And that I have often wondered if I was the legacy you intended to leave
I wish that I had been brave

I wish that at least
I could have told you that it was not you
It was the ground beckoning me
It was all the pieces of me that I been buried 6 feet under in coffins
Holding bodies that used to hold me
It was the fear of losing
And again
And again

It was the look in your blue eyes
That look just like mine
Reminding me that I am afraid on dying

It was the "Other" section of my resume
Where I put a bullet point for "Saying goodbye"

It was the cold feeling of hands that used to warm mine

Nothing lasts forever
I wish that I had been brave

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Love Never Fails

So near that I felt Your pain in moments

Your love is a mystery
So close that it creeps up next to me
Asking me how much I believe

Your love in an alien
Nothing like anything on this mass of green and blue
It's an invasion
And I'm ready
This place was never home
Everything here
Is so... temporary

For so long I tried to fit Your love into boxes
Places marked "my mind"
Never grabbing
Or jumping with blind faith
Knowing You were the only lover who would ever catch me

Fear found me in my sleep
Seeping into my dreams
Convincing me that unconditional love was something I wanted
But would never be fore me

Fear was the nail
Keeping my feet planted on this earth
Telling me that this place is safe
That salvation was something for people a little more perfect
A little more worthy

Love never fails

I needed rest from this earth
I was drowning in the ocean
And the ground could not hold my feet
And I was gasping
Fear left me gasping
To breathe

Love never fails
Leading me straight

The arms of Christ
Where love found me
And rest took me

Where all the fear that kept me bound
Was set free

And You hold me so sweetly

The only arms to ever carry me

Love never failed me

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I Still Can't Pronounce Your Last Name

The park sign glared back through water logged lenses

Blades of grass looked as familiar as family and old friends
Bending together making beds
Where once our fingers lay playing Twister
And your thumb ran back and forth across the top of my hand
Reminding me that you were still learning the bends of my body

The sun shown like warm blankets and happy ending
Whispering promises

Your hands were home
More like home than any four walls or skylines that fell familiar upon me
I sunk under your embrace
Wondering if I could jump in arms strong enough to break my fall

I drove by your place
Burned like the sinner I am
Remembering how you treated me
While hiding under the blanket that you named "god"
And I can not help but wonder if it was us or the timing

I told myself it was the right thing to do
Walking away
Walking and driving
And shouting profanity into the memories as if I could scare them away

You were supposed to have the last hands I would ever hold
The last body in my bed
The baby was supposed to be yours
And we were supposed to be living proof of happily ever after

That park sign
So dark and it's raining
Nothing like the moments we spent resting on it's land
And I started thinking that maybe dating would stop looking like cheap prostitution
Right before you cast me back to the streets
Right after getting off on my leg
And telling me that I was too dirty to be your first kiss

I read books between the cushions
And I screamed for it to stop
The pain of us ending
Was in the force of your body holding me against the bed
As you took the promises back that you gave me

Go back to church
Pretend like last night didn't happen
And maybe the music will drown out my screams
And I will fade back into the darkness
Back onto the streets

I never meant to love you

I was meant to love fiercely

When I met you I was drowning in an ocean of fear

When I left you it was an ocean of ice

My prayer if for a bright sun
A sharp burn to melt me
Fear is my chain

And some part of me still wishes to love like the earth were shaking

But the only thing shaking now
Is me

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Be Near Me

I pulled away from Your love
Clung to my hurt
Made a bed for my pain

I stopped speaking to You
And found solace with my fear
Forgot how tenderly You hold me
Holding fast to my adulatory

My shame called me foolish for believing
That You could love a sinner like me

I started living in closets
And under beds

I thought of God as the one pushed on me midst measured skirts-to-the-middle-of-the-knees, two buttons on a polo shirt. Look good and no one will know you're hurting kind of god. He was looking over my shoulder waiting to find a reason to punish me.

A god made by fearful hands
And human minds
He's big, distant, and constantly disappointed in me

He was found right where I left him
Laying in a basket of broken dolls, razors, tube tops, and dirty jeans
The thought was lurking
Waiting for the past to find me

The god of my childhood found me again
With whip and chains
And the crushing sense of disappointment
Kept me hurting
Kept me wanting

I do not know where one died
And the Other was born
I believed it to be in coffee shops with books and prayers. It may have been on my knees, but I have a sense that God has been fighting with mine to set me free.

I forgot how You love to hold me
Clung to what I imaged you should be

And I am on my knees

My prayer is simple
Be near me

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Death Has a Smell

Death has a smell
It dwelled between his fingers
In the toxic smoke resembling his breath
And out of his gaping wounds
Infected and bleeding onto my skin seeping dreams
Dreams leaking from glands built from baby dolls and tea parties

His hands were pinecones
Taking my skin as they pulled down my side
Rejected by the forest
Forsaken by nature
And what once harbored seeds for the ground
Is planting his destruction inside of my womb

His eyes
They stay with me
Speaking my name
In hoarse painful tones

Justice found disgust in his eyes
Turned a back to them
In the form of empty words
Buried under the tortured thought
Words remain… useless…

Sounds paint sympathy lightly
On heavy eyes crushing
The second finishing what the first left behind
They lay on my chest
Buried under my skin
Making their way to my heart

My perspective floated
Years have pushed me back… slowly
What am I seeing
After time

Floating, I saw his hands digging into my thighs
They broke like branches
And he tore my skin where he left depravity

The courage of a soldier
The bravery of martyrs
Begged fear to be cast aside
To look in those eyes
Laying frozen
Time had not healed my wounds
Time left all things behind
Moving selfishly
Telling me I could pick up the pieces
If my heart ever came to mean that much to me

A phantom feeling
Taking years of pictures of the world
And painting them over
Darker and out of control
Always dangerously balancing between
I can control this…
And I can not control anything…
Constantly searching for
A point

The point ends with the words
Bastard remains quaint
Son of a bitch takes your spotlight and shifts
No, he will burn under spotlight
Skin dripping

Rape has been turned into poetry

Monday, January 2, 2012

Needles and Fire

Your voice is a pit of needles
I've been falling in for years now
And the last burn is the letting go

We were loving in a burn town
Trying in a hopeless world

And I've held out
Like a father waiting for his prodigal son
I always saw the best in you

I dug up who you were meant to be
And handed it to the girl you will marry

I was the best in you
And now I am buried

So she will never know
The boy you used to be

Give him back to me