I Wish That I Had Been Brave

I wish that your white hair never reminded me of tombstones and goodbyes

I wish that when I held your hand

The folds in your skin did not look like God releasing your body from your soul

So it would be easier to fly home

I wish that your laugh did not sound just like my dad

I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had not been to so many funerals

Was not so well acquainted with cadavers 

Who looked like people I loved

Had  not been so young

And so familiar with death

That I could feel him in your walk 

Sinister smile standing over my shoulder

Coming for us all

I wish that I had been brave

I wish that I had loved stronger than death

That I had brushed your white hair while you fell asleep

Because it was the only way you could sleep in the end

Wish I had told you that your face has been in every memory since I can first remember

And that I have often wondered if I was the legacy you intended to leave

I wish that I had been brave

I wish that at least

I could have told you that it was not you

It was the ground beckoning me

It was all the pieces of me that I been buried 6 feet under in coffins

Holding bodies that used to hold me

It was the fear of losing

Again

And again

And again

It was the look in your blue eyes

That look just like mine

Reminding me that I am afraid on dying

It was the "Other" section of my resume

Where I put a bullet point for "Saying goodbye"

It was the cold feeling of hands that used to warm mine

Nothing lasts forever

I wish that I had been brave

 

Love Never Fails

So near that I felt Your pain in moments

Your love is a mystery

So close that it creeps up next to me

Asking me how much I believe

Your love in an alien

Nothing like anything on this mass of green and blue

It's an invasion

And I'm ready

This place was never home

Everything here

Is so... temporary

For so long I tried to fit Your love into boxes

Places marked "my mind"

Never grabbing

Or jumping with blind faith

Knowing You were the only lover who would ever catch me

Fear found me in my sleep

Seeping into my dreams

Convincing me that unconditional love was something I wanted

But would never be fore me

Fear was the nail

Keeping my feet planted on this earth

Telling me that this place is safe

That salvation was something for people a little more perfect

A little more worthy

Love never fails

I needed rest from this earth

I was drowning in the ocean

And the ground could not hold my feet

And I was gasping

Fear left me gasping

To breathe

Love never fails

Leading me straight

The arms of Christ

Where love found me

And rest took me

Where all the fear that kept me bound

Was set free

And You hold me so sweetly

The only arms to ever carry me

Love never failed me

I Still Can't Pronounce Your Last Name

The park sign glared back through water logged lenses

Blades of grass looked as familiar as family and old friends

Bending together making beds

Where once our fingers lay playing Twister

And your thumb ran back and forth across the top of my hand

Reminding me that you were still learning the bends of my body

The sun shown like warm blankets and happy ending

Whispering promises

Your hands were home

More like home than any four walls or skylines that fell familiar upon me

I sunk under your embrace

Wondering if I could jump in arms strong enough to break my fall

I drove by your place

Burned like the sinner I am

Remembering how you treated me

While hiding under the blanket that you named "god"

And I can not help but wonder if it was us or the timing

I told myself it was the right thing to do

Walking away

Walking and driving

And shouting profanity into the memories as if I could scare them away

You were supposed to have the last hands I would ever hold

The last body in my bed

The baby was supposed to be yours

And we were supposed to be living proof of happily ever after

That park sign

So dark and it's raining

Nothing like the moments we spent resting on it's land

Daydreaming

And I started thinking that maybe dating would stop looking like cheap prostitution

Right before you cast me back to the streets

Right after getting off on my leg

And telling me that I was too dirty to be your first kiss

I read books between the cushions

And I screamed for it to stop

The pain of us ending

Was in the force of your body holding me against the bed

As you took the promises back that you gave me

Go back to church

Pretend like last night didn't happen

And maybe the music will drown out my screams

And I will fade back into the darkness

Back onto the streets

I never meant to love you

I was meant to love fiercely

When I met you I was drowning in an ocean of fear

When I left you it was an ocean of ice

My prayer if for a bright sun

A sharp burn to melt me

Fear is my chain

And some part of me still wishes to love like the earth were shaking

But the only thing shaking now

Is me

Be Near Me

I pulled away from Your love

Clung to my hurt

Made a bed for my pain

I stopped speaking to You

And found solace with my fear

Forgot how tenderly You hold me

Holding fast to my adulatory

My shame called me foolish for believing

That You could love a sinner like me

I started living in closets

And under beds

I thought of God as the one pushed on me midst measured skirts-to-the-middle-of-the-knees, two buttons on a polo shirt. Look good and no one will know you're hurting kind of god. He was looking over my shoulder waiting to find a reason to punish me.

A god made by fearful hands

And human minds

He's big, distant, and constantly disappointed in me

He was found right where I left him

Laying in a basket of broken dolls, razors, tube tops, and dirty jeans

The thought was lurking

Waiting for the past to find me

The god of my childhood found me again

With whip and chains

And the crushing sense of disappointment

Kept me hurting

Kept me wanting

I do not know where one died

And the Other was born

I believed it to be in coffee shops with books and prayers. It may have been on my knees, but I have a sense that God has been fighting with mine to set me free.

I forgot how You love to hold me

Clung to what I imaged you should be

And I am on my knees

My prayer is simple

Be near me

Death Has a Smell

Death has a smell

It dwelled between his fingers

In the toxic smoke resembling his breath

And out of his gaping wounds

Infected and bleeding onto my skin seeping dreams

Dreams leaking from glands built from baby dolls and tea parties

His hands were pinecones

Taking my skin as they pulled down my side

Rejected by the forest

Forsaken by nature

And what once harbored seeds for the ground

Is planting his destruction inside of my womb

His eyes

They stay with me

Speaking my name

In hoarse painful tones

Justice found disgust in his eyes

Turned a back to them

In the form of empty words

Buried under the tortured thought

Words remain… useless…

Sounds paint sympathy lightly

On heavy eyes crushing

The second finishing what the first left behind

They lay on my chest

Buried under my skin

Making their way to my heart

My perspective floated

Years have pushed me back… slowly

What am I seeing

After time

Floating, I saw his hands digging into my thighs

They broke like branches

And he tore my skin where he left depravity

The courage of a soldier

The bravery of martyrs

Begged fear to be cast aside

To look in those eyes

Laying frozen

Time had not healed my wounds

Time left all things behind

Moving selfishly

Telling me I could pick up the pieces

If my heart ever came to mean that much to me

Again

A phantom feeling

Taking years of pictures of the world

And painting them over

Darker and out of control

Always dangerously balancing between

I can control this…

And I can not control anything…

Constantly searching for

A point

The point ends with the words

Bastard remains quaint

Son of a bitch takes your spotlight and shifts

No, he will burn under spotlight

Skin dripping

Rape has been turned into poetry

Needles and Fire

Your voice is a pit of needles

I've been falling in for years now

And the last burn is the letting go

We were loving in a burn town

Trying in a hopeless world

And I've held out

Like a father waiting for his prodigal son

I always saw the best in you

I dug up who you were meant to be

And handed it to the girl you will marry

I was the best in you

And now I am buried

So she will never know

The boy you used to be

Give him back to me