Friday, August 16, 2013
I started wearing crosses on my jewelry
Like saying that it would be alright to wear a shirt of a gas chamber with a bucket of acid on my shoes. Like all tragedies become public statements shouted by good intentioned teens with no foot to stand on. Everything loses it's steam after time after the story becomes just a story and no one remembers that war touches everyone and most of us most of the time don't have a leg to stand on...
The reality behind sacrifice is lost in moments.
I started wearing crosses on my shirts
I saw that crosses were in this season, and it's all about the season when I'm clinging to my youth and this isn't personal.
It's never personal.
I've been looking for a life of conviction. I've been looking for a reason to live because I know that it's so easy to die these days.
Conviction is sewn into my clothing. A symbol on the side of my shoes that I might look at one day and ask myself what weight my faith carries because I've plastered my salvation on my shoes and they carry me just fine.
My salvation looks like misplaced sticks
And I often wonder why it doesn't feel real, why I can't seem to think of the cross when I stare my sin the face and decide to repent later.
The gravity of my salvation fades away like a memory, like a story that used to make me cry and now I tell perfectly.
I don't want tragedy to be the only door to the reality of a cross where life was given for me.
I want to find the cross, find love, and sit there until it sinks in and I understand.
I want to understand.
Monday, August 12, 2013
It's a chill
That sits in my bones laying dormant
The feeling attached itself to my body when I was 12. He said he really like me, until he stopped answering as I dialed and tried to reclaim my dignity in each number ... each ring...
I have often wondered what side effects of this earth will follow my soul
When does this earth stitch itself into my being permanently?
What kind of damage can't be undone...
I've tried to patch my wound with
The effects of a fallen world
Tried to say that eventually
All these feelings go away
Prayed at night that if I can't take this chill from my bones
At least it could be less frequent
That the spaces be fewer and farther between
That love actually conquer all
Friday, August 9, 2013
There's been a prayer
Embedded on my heart since before I knew to look there
Etched in fine print
Lacking secret and longing
There is a purpose
Posing as a prayer for the moments when I would beg for something to pray
To feel like I was meant to and brought to my knees with a calling
It's been waiting
I grew up like most girls who lack simplicity
I weaved through years looking for answers like they were hiding
Looking for meaning like it was meant for me
Thought my mind could contain a solutions to the injustice around me
Absent from my existence since the day I was born
Weaved onto a prayer etched on my being
I saw tears as a problem until I realized that I was made for mourning
That suffering was stitched into my skin
Like a bond between me and humanity stretching to God
And there was only ever one road leading to where I was meant to be
Paved with suffering and lined with grace
If only my feet would reach for the pavement
My heart would stop bracing for the fall
Let the fall be my salvation
And live a life of suffering
Bleeding purpose into lifeless bodies
It's in the prayer
In the middle of my room where I sit with my ghosts
I've asked God what to pray
It occurred to me that I could be asking for all the wrong things
He told me to come along side suffering
To join Him in this journey
That humility is in existing in the middle of the most human part of humanity