Sunday, December 28, 2008


The tears seemed to cascade over the past
That I lied about
And the part that I continue to denie
As if anything could make it worse
Oh, but it could

And I told myself over and over again
That I only answer that phone
Because I got the short end of the stick
I answer because I don't
But maybe I don't have anyone
Because I continue to answer that phone

And it's time that I take part in what I can control
Because this is the only life I have
And I've been sitting it out for too long

I've believed in many things
And seen just as much
For all the things I talk about
There are just as many I keep to myself

But after all is said and done
I believe in Love

Friday, December 26, 2008

Catching Memories

There are always left overs of what used to be
Remnants, that if nothing else float
Just swiftly enough
For us to feel them begging to be remembered

Sometimes they form a face
With his strong eyes
And her soft lips
Glistening over his predominant chin

A concoction of lovers
Never knowing
That love is made for beauty
Even if sprinkling itself onto offspring
The the form of a familiar face
That taunts us
Asking so nicely
If we could remember where it was made

And memories are stored in small fingers and toes
Small enough that they could very well
Disappear into a full grown hand
But the touch and the way that every curve was inherited
From another time or place
Is just the way that we are pulled to remember
And when we find truths
Hold on
Because they will get us through many a restless night

Teaching us to be rivers in life
Flowing from one place to the next
But always in the same river
Learning to bend with the land
But never forgetting that life itself taught us to live

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Fear of God

I don't have much to give
And more times than not
I fear that I only love Him out of fear
I can't be sure if that is good enough a reason
But it's not for me
Because He used to be my best friend

Days on end
I wish that I could live
With few things to call my own
But the little bits of food I eat
Because maybe then I could see Glory for what it is
Instead of seeing but feet in front of me
And gambling constantly with my eternity

I have an alabaster box
But I have yet to know it's name
I pray and pray
That God show me
So today I could lay at His feet

But I have yet to see what I have to give
And I have yet to die a disciple
I have yet to breathe
Or think of God
Without a deep fear

That I'm doing it all backwards
Or upside down
And somehow I have more to give
So much more to give
That I can not even claim as my own
But I hold on to it
Til the day I account for my sins
And on that day what will I say?
For all the things I haven't seen
And all the things I don't know
This deep longing fear
That never lets go

Monday, December 22, 2008

Near to You

It was a long road I took
Making my way to You
And even now it feels like it's only You and I
No matter the company around

Whispering softly
Reminding me how much much I need
And how little I need
Of everything else

And I pray that I don't forget
Praying that You're always near

And grant me a simple life
So nothing ever stands in our way
And put love in my heart
So I will always stay
Near to You

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Many have cried for mercy on a sinner
And I was right there with them
Once again
I cry mercy
On me, a sinner

If there was ever a mistake to be made
I've made it twice
And then again

And if there were ever a reason
A person shouldn't be loved
I've given it over and over again

But if there ever a person who needed love
I've felt that void time and again

So, love me
And once again
Grant mercy and strength
To me a sinner
A sinner indeed

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Prayer

I want a real answer this time
Like we know who I am or where I'm coming from
I just can't shake it
You know?
Like it got out of control when I blinked
Twice in a row
So, now I'm still coming up with reasons
For why it has to end
I just can't take it much longer
Like I stepped out of myself into a new softer armor
And I'm getting the crap kicked out of me down here
Any advice?
Help maybe?
Or more unanswered prayers
More no shows
And no answers
Leaving me only to wonder
Why is everything so wrong?

It's of no use

I tore everything I owned into rags
Leaving nothing for myself
Until naked I used rag after rag
To wash away the last 6 days
But time remained
Like blood on my favorite sleeve
Of my favorite shirt

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Stanger's Bed Part II

I laid in that bed again
Staring at a familiarly disgusting face
And I stared at it as the clock kept ticking in my ear
I watched his face morph
Turning into everything I hate
And the remorse that I haven't felt in so long
Rose like a Phoenix
And I stepped outside again
With no cigarette to comfort me
Or to burn in the middle of my hand
Just to feel anything

Just that one gut feeling
Knowing that I changed my life again
Not just like any little decisions
But I can't go back
And the very concrete substance of that statement
Scares the life out of me

Once again
Here I am
As if getting older or wiser never did anything for me
It just made me fall harder
It just made the cuts deeper
It just made my skin crawl to the floor
And sit with no intentions of returning to my body

And this broken down body
Has had enough
I can't take care of it anymore
But I'm left with no option of abandonment
Just little pieces of me
Laying on the floor
As I watch them
Roll farther
And farther away

I tried to be my mother for one moment
And look for someone to blame
But can I really blame anyone
For my self inflicted mistakes

And that night
The balcony looked so welcoming
Standing on the edge
Just daring my body to loose balance

I stand on the edge
A wind chime with no sense of melody
Just useless in the very intent of it's creation
Just wishing for something
To save it
But knowing that the wishes dissolve in the rain
So I'll take a drought
To keep hope from being wasted away

Save me
Take me to a better place
Or if nothing else a better day
A better night
A better face to lay beside
Someone that for once just cares

Because in the end I know
That that useless corps laying in my bed
Doesn't give a damn about me
As if I am just taken out with the trash
And recycled for someone else's use

And is it so bad
That I'm exhausted
I'm worn out
And all the forces work against me
And I'm too scared to cry for God to save me

So I drown again
And again

And I watch
As everyone else moves on
To better things
Better loves
Better lives
Anything that keeps them grounded to something
That I've wished for more of in this life

And self loathing was always my downfall
And the wisdom of a father
Warned me about my pride

So walk on by
Just walk on by

Friday, December 5, 2008

Oh Celine!

I'm ridiculously lame. I was making lunch today, listening to Celine Dion, and crying. I'm not upset. I just cry everytime I listen to Celine Dion. It's like a disease. Anyways, I was listening to this one song that I really liked. It's a remake, but everything is better when she sings it. I figured that I would post the lyrics, not because it's how I feel. It's just how I wish I feel.

Oh and here is a visual!

Celine Dion

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight,oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Do I ask too much?

I hate the way that you make it so hard to love you. As if my insufficiency is not screaming loud enough, you scream with it. It does not help that it's already so hard for me. I'm the only one left who doesn't have anyone. I was that girl. Don't you remember? I had it all. I had the personality and the looks and the confidence to be anything and everything that I wanted to be, and the world working the way it does I'm sitting in last place right now. So don't keep pushing me down. My face is already on the ground. It's just one more reason that nothing ever works. One more reason that I shouldn't try because you make sure that I always know just how bad I fail. Then we all wonder why I continue to go back. It's because everyday you remind me that I have nothing to move towards. Is it so bad to want to be loved? or to want forgiveness without your snide reminders being hurled my way as if the blows could just be walked off. I would leave. I would draw my lines and walk away, but the same way that you throw insults at me... that would be the final blow. Some days I just wish you could let me go.


I dreamt them
Lived them
And went straight back to the drawing board
To dream again

And I beg to dream again
I beg to hope again
If I thought than any of those others would make me whole
I was wrong
And I cry knowing I'll be wrong again

If another person standing by my side
Could ever give me more meaning in life
I would dream again
But I have little faith in the ability of another person
To make me any better

And mistakenly they may think
That I think I'm as best as I can be
But I mearly think
That all the other dreams
Have added more to my experience
But have yet to complete me

And I would be a fool to think
That anyone could make me complete

Monday, December 1, 2008

Glory Days

I waited for you tonight
Fearing that it may have been our last time
And if I heard it again
It could be the real last time
As if being forewarned ever made it hurt less

And I thought of scenarios
Almost the same ones I thought up for
Our unborn child
And none seemed right
Except what is now

I swear I would move all the way on
If there was something to go to
But I drift towards nothing
Only fearing that the best was left behind me

As if I now have
What people once called
The glory days