Friday, June 27, 2008

Wear my Wounds

We never tattooed bitterness onto our bodies
But we froze it onto our souls
Turning us into ice
From the inside out

Well, maybe he should have cut off his ring finger
And maybe I should have tattooed a skull over my heart
So we could wear pain on our sleeves
Instead of crying for help where no on can see

I've spent so much time chipping away at my ice
Just to watch more form in it's place
And no blemish on my soul can go unnoticed
It always finds a way to show

My ice first became promiscuity
Then it turned into shame
And now it's anger

And no matter how used to my ice I've become
Or how many times I've tried to torch it
I still can't walk away
Not when I see your face

Like yesterday
You stood behind me
Pretending to have found something I'm lacking
But no matter what
I know that your soul is frozen solid
And one day you will destroy yourself
At the hand of your own pick

The only thoughts that linger when your shadow left
Is that I can run the pick straight into your heart
And tattoo the sin on my body
So everyone will know
That love walked away with the best of me

Friday, June 20, 2008

My Life Made Up of My Moments

Is it not enough to wait
Or to pray

When nothing seems to be okay
And every time I just sit and wait

Life is moving too quickly
And for the first time in a long time
I'm falling behind

I've never caught a break
I've never seen life the way that I see it today

This is the long awaited stand still
Like the eye of the storm

With everything raging around me
I feel a momentary sense of peace

But in all this I still know
The second half of the storm is still coming for me

All I have to do is keep my head on straight
All I have to do is keep up the wait

With the clothes on my back
And the worn out shoes on my feet

I just keep moving
Pacing myself for what I still have to go through

The only different between me and everyone else today
Is that I can see what I must face

And some people never know pain
Some people invented it
But I must learn to love it
Because right now
It's my constant companion

So, hit me with your best shot baby
Because I'm still playing

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Like It Was Yesterday

He didn't destroy my life
He just changed it
A little more than everyone else who walked right in

Shadows fall on every word he spoke
But every feeling lives deep in my soul
And the words will fly to the wind
The dreams will get caught in a little picket fence
With paint only half dry
But I will grasp the way I feel with an iron fist for my life

In retrospect I can see that I never saw clearly
And now I don't act anymore
I just react
I pay someone to understand
And even he has no clue who I am

And night after night
I pray for God to lay with me while I sleep
But the attacks still hit me quite frequently

I don't love my friends as much as I should
I'm a repel everything that touches me
But I was more like a puddle of mud
When it actually counted

Everything is backwards
And then someone is sent to turn it all upside down
Just to prove that I can't stick to anything
And I can't really love anyone

No matter how hard I try to be there
People who have built the best parts of my world
Still bleed at night

I can't control it
And I can't help but be disappointed that I didn't see it

Failure doesn't follow me
And innocence didn't leave me
And most of all he didn't find me
I sought it out
And I drove it away

No matter where I should place blame
I still carry it all around with me
Like it was yesterday

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Deadly Secrets

No one is without secrets
Feelings about the events
Feelings about themselves
Other people
Or thoughts we would never admit that we have

Sometimes we become totally unaware of our secrets
Or even apathetic

Maybe it is time for confessions
Or maybe secrets protect us from being completely destroyed

But this is a momentary pause in life
For a little confession of my own
(Confession is good for the soul
Or so I'm told)

Of all the times I hated or loved myself
I could never seem to understand
How could a boy like him get a girl like me?
Well, not easily and not lasting
And as much as I hate to admit it
I always knew that I was better than all that

For all the love I have or thought I had for him
There's still always a part of me that wants to watch him burn in hell
And these are my deadly secrets
My shameful thoughts
The things that I have reasons for
Many many reasons
But no excuses

And the only time I ever really cried
Was when he forgot how much he "loved" me

These are the things I won't ever tell


God help me be humble
Help me love
Help me truly believe

We Live

Take in every moment of life
But never forget that it's all disposable

Take the people you love
And learn to run
Use freedom to say goodbye
When you're young
And use commitment when you're old
So one day your children might look up to you
Take all the names
Of everyone you want to remember
And write them all on your soul
So you can take them with you when you go

Keep the tunnel open to your soul
Wounds never heal without air
And everyone who believes has fought an angel
So, don't think that on your own
You will ever be whole
Let secrets go
Love like a child
Never fear being bold

Forgive easily
Love freely
And let God fight battles for you

This is just a holding place
Where we learn to live
Just in time to leave

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Find Me

I lay down every night
And reach for your arms
Equally surprised every time when I don't feel anything
And I find myself responding to your whispers while I sleep
Stop hiding from me
I'm starting to confuse reality with my dreams

Sweet relief find me
And wrap your strong arms around me while I sleep
I want you to be my last reason to leave everything behind
And for the first time in my life
With you by my side
We could run to the ends of the world
And move to every continent
For no good reason

We could forget the politics of life
And love with the love that confuses the rest of the world

And if you break my heart
If God takes you from me too soon
It will be the first time I look back
And everything was so worth it
Because you taught me how to live

So, this phantom comfort
From a half phantom past
Is the last thing I want keeping me company
When I'm old
Or when I'm lonely

So break my unintentional fall
And make me believe again
Like I was never hurt
Like I had never loved and lost

Friday, June 13, 2008

My Voice

I fell subject to you
Grasping your arms around me
So tight that I could not breathe
And you took more than you thought
You took my voice
Specific to me

And when the sound that escapes my lips
Is a breeze
Floating by
I suddenly feel
The time has come to break free
And scream
To the world
If for nothing else
To let everyone know
That I was given a voice
And by God I mean to use it

These are just the things
That we posses as human beings
But allowed to be dulled
And trampled on
Then one day
We're old
And haven't really spoken
In years

These are the shames of humanity
The wastes of potential
The sly manipulation
That the power hungry
Use to silence pure voices
That speak seeking only pure love
And a world where we can all believe
In the great things we have yet to see

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Can I just stay in Your arms forever?
I can't breathe when You're not near me
And I feel like I'm ready
To leave everything
And see where You take me

Monday, June 9, 2008

This is My Down Fall

Christians cry
Feel lonely
And doubt
But it's never alright
After awhile that's just something we figure out

And I don't understand
Why can't I love the sheep who found their way home?
I only care for the lost
And in a search and rescue
I seem to get lost along my way

Is it fair to say we all have our reasons?
But when was anything fair anyways?
And as a Christian
What I feel more than any weak thought

And my mild temper has fooled many
My sense of humor has chuckled me straight through
Many a tense situation
And never did anyone
Including me
Realize how anger I had become

I was angry at friends
Who never seemed to be there
I was angry at the church
Who never seemed to get anywhere
I was angry at him
For saying he loved me
I was angry at Christian boys
For refusing to love people like me
I was angry at my family
For never really noticing
I'm just angry

And how do I know how to hold on?
When the only thing keeping me grounded
Is my hate for everything
How do I forgive?
And refuse to fall apart

When did it become so hard to be me?

It Could Be True

The closer I get to people
The farther I drift away from the world
And the point where you end and I begin
Is miles long

Is much like peace
But we all still hope for it
And some of us fools
Even think we might reach it

And I want to learn to be fearless
But I fear being alone
And your words
That cut me to the bone


Was I ever brave?
Did I really believe...
All the things I used to say
And why do I wish for change?
Fighting the predominant beliefs

One day I may wake up and realize
That I wasted all that energy on nothing
A stagnant society
And one day I might wake up
With my eyes open for the first time
And dry my tears while I watch the water come in
From all sides

If the day must come
I hope I die before I see it
That maybe we're all wrong
Maybe music and songs just taunt us
A delusion of grandeur
Telling us that things change
Someone cares
And we are somehow all together

Sunday, June 8, 2008


Baby, don't look back
It's just a bad day
Hold my hand
And we might make it the whole way

Don't get angry
You know, about my virginity
That was ruined once or twice
And I do believe

That beauty lies beneath
All of my bad dreams
And maybe God knew
That all the nights I prayed
For solitude
I was really praying for you

The moral of the story
(Never knowing what is at the end of this road
Wondering what's best
But there's not much I know
Demons running from behind
And one more hand to hold on to
While he holds on to You)

Thursday, June 5, 2008

How Do I Love?

I can't go my whole life angry
It's exhausting
Deadly enough to kill me
And I can't leave
Because I know deep down
You might not try to find me
And I can't tell you
Because I can't let you hate me
Did your love really run so shallow?
That infants took all of mine
And you only have enough
To fit in 10 little finger and toes
Why did I have to act grown up?
I wasn't you know
I was still a little too young to know
Where I needed to go
When my life
I don't want to be angry
Because anger and love can't hold company
One has to go
And maybe it's time that I know
I was called too love
No matter how much I hate
How little you seem to love me

Where do I Live?

Must we really know where we are going to be in ten years. Maybe it's more important to look at the present. What am I doing with all the opportunities right in front of me? How do I treat all the people God has placed in my life right now? Could it be that living in the future is just as destructive as living in the past? I don't believe that one moment is more important than the next. Every moment is full of the same choices. If I can't get it right now, how am I supposed to think that I will in the future? I probably won't. So, writing out every detail of my future life might just be a waste of time. Today is the story that I write, and tomorrow is the picture that God paints for me and shows it to me as I go. It could be that at one point or another we are all just two seconds away from falling apart. Then we become drained of energy trying to hide it. Then we worry, and is it all not about the future? We all fill our lives with anxiety while starving children walk by us, beaten wives cry at our feet, and friends destroy themselves from the inside out. What does that tell God? "I'm sorry God, I can't do anything about what You've given me right now because I'm too worried that You're a failure and can't take care of my future." What kind of idiot have I become? I live today, not tomorrow, and not yesterday. Today is where I am, It'll be today tomorrow, but yesterday will never be today. In time the only moves forward. We can't see the sides, the top, the bottom, we only see the line and we have to go where it tells us. So, if God created our minds to see only what is here right now in this moment, why do we try to place ourselves somewhere else on the time line? It might be ten years from now or 2 years 3 months and four days ago. However, no matter what way we swing it we can't do anything about the past, and we can't govern our future. We do what we can today. We help who we can today. We pray without ceasing asking God to show us who needs us today. God does not abandon the faithful.