Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Who's the victim?

Last semester I went to a presentation called "Sexual Signals". It was held in the auditorium and put on by comedic/spare of the moment actors. The entire presentation was a series of skits about sexual misconceptions. One skit in particular dealt with rape. The definition of rape. A scenario was given of a girl who initiated making out with a friend, however when he tried to have sex with her she said "no". Despite her "no" he kept going. She did not put up a fight, and prior to this event a few beers had been consumed. The audience was pulled, and when asked who thought it was the girl's fault. Almost every hand in the entire auditorium went up. Then the actors went on to explain the definition of rape, and anytime that a one member of the party says "no", and the other partner does not stop... that is rape.

There is a quote that could explain this phenomenon better than I could. Kimberle Crenshaw wrote an article entitled "Respect" and she said, "Our own community readily embraces those accused of rape and chastises a woman for 'not having the good sense God gave her' or 'having no business being up there with that man at 2 in the morning' or 'being foolish not to know what his true intentions were.'" Wow! That is so true, but if accepted is frightening. That very statement redefines everything.

In those phrases that Kimberle stated many things are being assumed. The silence of a woman is valued because any woman who stands up for herself is just "crying victim". It also assumes that woman are held responsible for reading minds because she should have known his intentions. So, among all the other reasons that woman are forced to act a certain way in order to be accepted, she now has to trade in her emotional well being for the sake of being "silent".

In the article Kimberle also went on to quote a statistic that one out of every twelve men admit having continued to engage in sexual activity after a woman said "no". That means that if these men only did that to one woman than we could assume that one out of every twelve woman has said "no" and been molested. Yes, I said it... MOLESTED! Ouch! That word hurts. Why? because it insinuated that there is a victim and perpetrator. We hate to think about that. We would rather just not have to deal with it which would include someone keeping quiet. The someone would have to be the victim because the perpetrator has no reason to speak.

Now, I would like to address the very nature of the word "no". Words are like money, in theory they hold no meaning only that to which we place on them. "No" is really just two letters. These letters are turned into sound which creates a spoken word. However, this word is still just a sound. How do we place meaning on a sound? Society! We created the word to carry a certain amount of meaning. This meaning is not flexible. In any situation no will always mean... no. It will never mean "yes" or "maybe", and any dictionary you look it up in will say the same thing. So, how can we say that dealing with something as serious and emotionally scaring as sexual assault this word suddenly looses all meaning. I for one hear more reasons why the woman was in the wrong than the man in most sexual assault cases. However, the woman was the one who spoke "The word", but we conveniently disregard that.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has ever heard such phrases as "he's just a man", "he can't help himself", or "she was asking for it". Those phrases in general are outrageous to me. I understand that a man's sexuality is much different than a woman's. I really do understand this. However, I have met men who actively use self control. I have also met men who can walk by a attractive woman and not jump on her because they are "men" and that is "just what men do". No! It's not. It's an excuse that society has made for men and certain men take full advantage of this excuse. Revolting!

It is now time for confessions. Of all the hands in that auditorium, my hand was right with them. I do not want to deal with these situations. I would rather everyone take responsibility even if it is not theirs to take, and then what we don't know won't hurt us. This also means that I would have to redefine many of my encounters with men that were all "my fault". Why is this? I will tell you. Taking responsibility is taking control. I for one like to have control. If I take responsibility for everything that every happened to me (my fault or not) than I can essentially prevent it from ever happening again (it's in my hands). However, if I place blame where it should be than I could possibly be taken advantage of again (because it's not in my hands). I can not think that. I would rather be "strong" which in my mind is calling everything my fault. In my mind I would rather label sexual abuse as an "affair". I would rather label molestation as a mutual sexual encounter. I would rather leave out the "no", because I know in the end... it doesn't have any meaning. It is just two letters and nothing more.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever written. It takes a good deal out of a person to face the truth. Sometimes it is so much easier to ride to wave. Sometimes it's so much easier to tell half truths... to take responsibility for everything because it can be clearly defined. There is still such a thing as mutual sexual encounters (I'm not discrediting that). I am saying that many encounters are being labeled as something they are not in order to "keep the peace" or "not cause a fuss". Part of emotional maturity is being able to look at a situation and call is what it is however painful that might be.

Sunday, February 24, 2008


These things
Just don't mean that much to me
And life is still trying to break me
But tonight
I need to breathe in every word You speak
And if I must
I will hang on to the hem of Your garment
Until You heal me
And when I'm let down
I'm not going to move till You tell me

Just because I see
Doesn't mean that I don't have needs
Just because I'm "strong"
Doesn't mean that I don't bleed

When I see You
I don't always reach
When I sleep
You're not always in my dreams
But in life
Your face is all I ever want to see
And in love
Your heart is all that I need

At the end of the day
I need You to redeem all the time that's went to waste

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Beautiful Letdown

I usually write poetry, because a lot of times I can decently explain the way that I feel. However, I always believed that good music is music that can explain life/situations/feels better than I ever could. There is something about connecting with the song that connects the world that's been so separate, and all of a sudden the glass boxes around all of us don't seem to create that much distance and if only for a few moments... we aren't alone.
This song used to be one of my favorite songs. The lyrics are deeper than boyfriend/girlfriend crap, and no matter how many times I listen to it.... I know that I could never have expressed the feeling so beautifully. There is a lot of truth packed into it, and I tend to forget it so easily. I consume my life with this world and I don't take a step back to realize that I don't belong here. This is not my home.


"Beautiful Letdown"

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Won't you let me down?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Truthful Eyes

Don't look at my eyes tonight
I fear their betrayal
... Exposing my lies

It isn't for you to know
Maybe I cared a little more than I showed
Let me keep my secrets
The world does not to need to know
All the things my heart holds

The thoughts
Running through my mind constantly
Are mine alone tonight

So, let me speak of the weather
And stare off into the sky
Then you might not ever know
That there are things I need to tell you
I'll just keep staring at the trees
Rambling of nothing that's important to me

Just don't look at my eyes
Because my secrets burn through my soul
And my eyes tell all

Saturday, February 16, 2008

You're Love

You're love taught me how to live
The way You see me taught me that I'm beautiful
I learned to belive in You
Because I know that through everything
You believed in me
You're grace taught me to accept salvation
The path You put before me
Helped me hope for things beyond me
And in life I've learned to love
In redemption I've seen joy
In chaos I've seen You're peace
And I will hold on to that
Until You tell me it's time to leave

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Apathy Got the Best of Me

I loved your eyes
Even after they turned black
And you couldn't really open them
I still saw life

I remember when you stopped talking
And walked around like you were floating
We used to get stoned together
But it didn't have the same effect on me
That it had on you

You let confusion into your soul
Swayed to the rhythms of the island
And just
When I looked over
You were in the middle of the room taking off your clothes

You never did change
Always giving the finger to the world
Every chance you got

But somehow I knew
The same apathy you showed to the world
You would eventually show to me

You just didn't want to feel pain
And who can blame you
But I still can't help but think
The you never meant to cause it either
But your apathy got the best of us both


I pity you
That you just can't love
Because you're too safe
And no one ever had love without stepping on to a limb
And falling, it's not so bad
Because we relate to God in suffering
We just get back up again
And love like we've never felt pain

Monday, February 11, 2008

You Can't Stay

I saw you yesterday
The day after then before
Always standing at my door
With your hands in the air
Your veins rolling to the floor
I knew I had seen you somewhere before
I walk by you in the morning
On my way to the store
When I come back
You’re always waiting at the door
And your stone washed face
Reminds me of different days
Your heart all ablaze
But you never noticed it
Maybe another day
Then yesterday you weren’t at my door
You were standing next to my bed
Feet flat on the floor
And you spoke for the first time in awhile
“Don’t you remember me?”
You said with a sad smile
Yes, I remember you
But I must ask you to leave
It’s embarrassing when people walk in and can’t see
But stop
And stare
Don’t say a word
But know that there was something there
They walked past you
Straight through you
And then looked at me knowing I knew it too
So, it’s time you leave
Don’t say goodbye to me
Take your pain, drugs, and abuse
Some place new
Because my future holds no place for the past
Standing at my door
And that past is you

Friday, February 8, 2008

You are so Beautiful to me... Can't you see?

Beauty? I must wonder what this word really means. As a human being and especially a woman, I will be hearing this word for the rest of my life. There is so much pressure put on girls to be beautiful. Sometime... somewhere... some idiot decided that it would be an all too funny joke to brainwash everyone into thinking that a woman's worth lies in her beauty. The first problem that I have with this right off the bat is that beauty is a very relative term. No one can put a clear definition on it. Beauty is also very much in the "eye of the beholder". Then I would have to bring up another problem that I have with this theory in general. Why do we (women) allow ourselves to be defined by how "desirable" we are? The only explaination I've ever come up with is... men. Oh men! Silly/ridiculous ideals. So, men tell us that we need to be desirable and I can not fully blame them for it. Why would they stop when we (women) continuously buy into it and engulf our lives with the pursuit of it. So, anyone who knows me well knows that I hate pictures (of myself). I have a hard time with the concept of being a two demensional figure. I see myself as so much more than that with so many different things to bring to the table and most/if not all of them have absolutely nothing to do with my looks. Therefore, I have a hard time seeing a flat picture of myself and knowing that this picture is respenting me as an individual. I do not see where that would be an accurate judgement at all. That is the same concept that I apply to beauty. Of course everyone has had their far away crushes (movie stars, rap stars, rock stars.... stars in general). I won't lie. I had a poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas when I was younger, and not to mention Brad Pitt or any/all of the other slightly ridiculous far away crush stereotypes. However, I find now that my perception of attrativeness, beauty, or definition of a person in general has nothing to do with what we would sterotipically define as "good looking". A person who has great character and a real sincere love for God is probably the most attractive and beautiful thing in the world. People just are not pictures to me anymore. People can not be contained in two demensions. People are always going to be complex and there is something beautiful about that. So, I would propose that as women we should see those beautiful things in ourselves. Who cares what magazines or television says? We don't! There is so much more to a person than that, and if a guy is truly worth having he will see that. That old scam just won't work anymore. I'm not saying this to say that a woman should not take pride in her appearance, but it should be for a personal reason. I think it's time that we redefine beauty.

See Me

Breathe to me
In a wisper
A breeze
A near silent secret for me to keep

Separate my soul from my body
So, I may see the difference
Between Your thoughts and mine

I'll wear white for You tonight
Take my hand and dance with me
Before the morning light
Breaks into the softest sparkle from the stars

Teach me how to love
And I will love You more

Give me strength to close my windows
So You can open the door

To know that I will be in Your arms for eternity
To know that it would have been enough to love
To die for only me

Value may be in Your eyes
And the indescribable way You see me

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Oh Beautiful

There comes a time when one needs to find joy in solitude
I can only catch my breath when I stand still
This is my road
For God and I to travel alone
So, the world must stop for now
My world must stop for now

Just in time to find myself sitting in the middle of a field
With no movement
Frozen in a painting of time
Where I can bow with a truly grateful heart

I could have went my whole life
Never made it here
But God wanted to share this moment with me
Encouraged to move
But sometimes I move the fastest while standing still
And I sincerely for the first time
Don't need anything else

Mass confusion was the illusion of a dinner guest
At my table for one
Now it seems to be for two
And I'm addicted to the joy
I'm in love with the peace
I find my dreams comes to life in the stillness of youth

But fire still burns
In this little heart of mine
A piece of the fire that's been burning since the beginning of time
Oh, beautiful Love

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Life could be a good many things

Maybe a series of moments
Some slightly more memorable
But all still moving constantly
And changing like the very particles
That make up our being
It's been said that life is a series of grand scale events
Changing a person one event at a time
But I'm not sure
Should it be so easy to disreguard all the time spent waiting?
As if all communication happens while we speak
Sometimes life is about the moments we don't remember
The waiting
The silence
The pure

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Lady's Man?

So, This post is a little out of the ordinary. It's about a certain term that I've been hearing far too often these days.... Lady's man. What does this really mean? A man that prides himself on being good with the lady's? Well, what does that mean for the lady's? I'm not sure if guys think that girls want someone who is great with words and has all the right "moves", but I must say that I don't. I would hate to speak for women in general. I don't know what all women want, but I am sure that there are other women who feel the same way I do. I feel a need to speak out for those women. I for one don't want a "lady's man". I remember hearing many times that people who do too much partner exchanging before marriage have a hard time staying with one person once married. I believe that the same philosophy applies to this. If a man creates his entire identity off of being a pathalogical flirt then when he finds the one... How the heck is this woman supposed to know? The answer is, she won't. Then if he does decide to commit as far as marriage (very unlikely), then how is he going to stay committed. Once a cheater always a cheater, and once a flirt always a flirt. I don't know about all the other women out there. But I must say, I do not want to be legally bound to a pathalogical flirt. The games have to end one day. So, Why not choose the high road today?

That Was Our Hill

We sat on that hill top
Watched the sun go down just in time to watch it rise
You put your hand in mine
I think you made the stars shine brighter
I sat in a puddle of pure love on that hill
I stood and danced in the moonlight
I could feel you watching me
And you knew that I was meant to be free
You politely asked if you could dance with me
I was never one to turn down company
You tried to look into my eyes to know how much they burned
But I continued to turn and turn
I was scared to let you know how much I cared
You might have been the reason I wanted to sit down
And I wasn't ready to stop dancing
The moon danced with me
It's light fell over my face and down my body in celebration of youth
It was me with the world and then you

I've grown older now
I don't dance as freely as before
I don't do things without knowing for sure
But I went back to that hill to see if I could find you
Still one step away from a baby
Sitting under the stars
Then what I knew all along proved to be true
Time treats us all the same
I guess that neither of us ever found the fountain of youth