Friday, May 30, 2008

Dark Nights

It's so dark outside
While I sit outside
And for two moments the world stops
And I wonder why
We all go day to day
Using things to occupy our lives away
Never knowing why
Greed is so far the best motivator of humanity
The root of democracy
Why do we all want more?
It is because some where
We all know
There is a deep hole that cries out to us all
Something we don't talk about
We sell our souls to lie about
And at the end of the day
All of have left is an image
That we forfeit everything to protect
And none of us understand
That it doesn't mean anything
In the vast expansion of eternity
That on this earth
None of us
That there has to be so much more than this
A husband and some kids
Can't be all I live for
Not anymore
Sleepless nights
With fear to be the company at my side
Fearless people somehow finding fear in the darkness of night
Controlling thoughts and movements
Where I can and can not go
This is the fear that we all fear
Somewhere deep in the human soul
And we don't know why
Some die
So young
Is God protecting us from things that don't fit?
Not into our 70 years of life
And does He let some of live
Because He that we can take all these things
That we dodge
And at all cost refuse to believe
Is there a strength He gives
That allows us to live
Inside a world that we can hardly see
Is there a God ability?
In all of us
That only God himself can see


Do you secretly know
All the things I think
And when my mind is weak
It's been so long
And it feels so good to be away
But whenever you call
I want to run your way
I don't want you
I never did
At one point I needed you
But that was all I could believe

I don't understand
Why do you patronize me?
The weakest part
Wants to be hit
As long as I'm not lonely
When did I become so weak?
To think you were anything
But a sad lie
You see?

I sat here today
Counting the ways
That everything turned out okay
And the things that I don't think about anymore
Time used to heal nothing
But now heals everything
The secrets we keep
And the times we leave
Asking for someone to seek
So, I'd never have to be lonely

But now you
Are just a dream
And sometimes I doubt that you exist

You can live where you please
But not in my head
And not in my dreams

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It All Fits in Eternity

Sometimes we create things because all we want to do is understand, and remain ... sane. We have to think of things to fit in between the pieces of memories that we all try so hard to hide from. It's like we can not believe that we are capable of bad things unprovoked. It doesn't fit into our minds where "my, myself, and I" remains the only good person left. If we recognized our own depravity than what would we do with ourselves? We can not even recognize that of the world. How did we become to numb to things? Are we fed too many statistics? Why do 20,000 children suddenly mean nothing? It could just be another way we protect ourselves. Brains were not built to comprehend 20,000 souls, especially not when we have thus far failed to comprehend our own eternity. Sometimes it's like being chained to a wall while watching someone choke to death. We want so much to help, but we can't. So, what do we do? We weep. Then, after this has happened 20,000 times we just stand there and use useless sanity protecting phrases like "that's just life" and "I'm only one person." I often times wonder how God does it. We are bound by our own humanity. However, God it bound by free will. Time and time again millions and millions of people are choking, but nothing seems to happen. God tries without crossing into the lines of free will. We watch and cry while chained to the wall by our own humanity. Then I realized that we do not understand our own eternity. What if we all hold the ability to get out of those chains? What if we ignore the eternity we all hold inside out of human fear? Not even humanity, but something as controllable as fear. Or can we control it? The few people who shook the world to create a change for all those with no voices. They controlled fear. What if people did that 5 at a time? 10? or 20? What kind of world would we live in? We might just stop making excuses for our own depravity. We might stop crying about the depravity of others. We might stop labeling the world because we are tired of being disappointed with the lack of change. We might actually do something. God does not give free will to chains. He gave it for freedom.

Friday, May 16, 2008

How Do We Grow Up

To some extent
We all choose the road we travel to grow up
Some of us choose a road that lasts forever
Dying just as child minded as we ever were
Denial works for some
What we can't see
Can't be there
And then some of us face it all head on
But forget that in everything
There are always choices
So, we avoid
We fight
We give in
Because everything works itself out in the end
But either way
Most of us will grow up
But that price we must pay for being adults
Is to be crippled in some way
And like today
I see my limp leg in a new way
I realize that the path I chose
Got me to where I am
But left scars that will always show
And if I ever find a way to take them away
Every time I look at my leg
Mark or not
I will remember what happened in that place
So, the same way that none of us make it out of here alive
None of us grow up without having to depend on a mind
Forced into servitude by the body
That saw worse days

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

This Place

I've said time and again
Only God knows the end
Of my story
Mainly guts, but not much glory
And worries
Just cracked up to be a somewhat mild form of disbelief
Who am I fooling?
Who's heard enough?
After all this
I'm going to let myself go under
Because I suddenly
Read minds
And know that this subject has been drained
To the fullest extent
Maybe I just can't fess up to it
I can't claim depression
Because I'm always happy
But all the signs point in that general direction
Here we go again
My emotions
I suddenly remember all too clearly why I hid them away for so long
I was still underage
And I had no time to be admitted
If I could just fully believe
That everytime I look at those pictures
It will not always hurt so bad
That everytime my mom smiles at my expense
It won't make my world
It's just too bad
That it's just too late
And God is all I have left
But if I had chosen him when I had everything else
I would not still be suffering from side effects
It's just confusion
Thoughts that I havn't taken the time to sift through
Too many?
Too tired?
Too many questions
With too little answers
It's strange
How well I remember this place


I'm trying to remember a time
When summers where just that
The only worry I had
Was who I was going out with
Who conveniently had a pool
But then again
I just don't remember

If I could remember
I assume that there might have been
A little less stress
A few less lines on my face
Maybe it's just me
Or this is how everyone turns out to be

So, if these cigarettes don't kill me
The stress will
My mother and I might be alike
We both kill ourselves
For no apparent reason

I guess this is how they will always be
I wish I would have known to savor my time
When I still had some time of my own
Instead of waiting a few hours
For classes to start again
For the next standardized test
The next sign that I'm not going to make it
Another day of work
An already spent check
A parent falling apart
Siblings who never call
Ex-lover who never cared at all

Happy Summer