Sunday, September 21, 2008


Noticing everything
Holding on so tightly
That not a moment
Or a breath
Can possibly slip past me
And If I take it all in
Do I die with no regrets
Or even become immortal
With my mark on everything I saw
Just controlling enough
To fear what they will say at my funeral
Just deceptive enough
To wonder what lies will come undone
Over casket gossip
And who will ever know the truth
If I'm not there to orchestrate the distance
And I've overestimated my importance
Embracing fears as I run through life
Like they are charms on my bracelet
And I can hardly hold my arm up anymore
Just promise me that it's true
Let me know I won't just disappear
That there's somewhere else for me to go
That people in heaven will talk to me
That someone will hold me
And I won't cry like I do here
I just need reassurance
Or insurance
I just need to know
But the only thing I do know
Is that only death will give me any answers
So I will just have to wonder until then

I pray that the Lord take me into His arms one day. I pray that I never miss a moment. I pray that I don't have to be enough, because that's the only thing I can't seem to be.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Feelings I Fear

The feeling of deep sorrow
Contemplating regret
The feelings that I fear
And only in the middle of a storm of desperation
Will I even admit
That these thoughts sit just outside my conscious
Begging to be noticed
And for all self professed strength
All the times I spoke of opposing things
They still refuse to leave
While I refuse to let them stay
And come to life
As in
My desperation for his love
My refusal in standing alone this time
A fear of failure
A fear of success
Of life
A phone call in the night
A voice that awakens memories so sweet to me
And then a shot of whisky to wash down the after taste of a bad dream
It's the way I see the world in the morning
And how it appears at night
How fragile my mind is
And how scared I really am of knowing my own darkness
In pretending to stay sane
A facade of contentment
A wave of confidence that I try to grab onto
Until it is gone again

It was the last place I wanted to be, inside my own mind. It was the last thought I ever wanted to think, that maybe I just was not good enough. So, after 3 hash brownies and 3 beers I became more aware. I don't know where to go from here.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Dear Parents

I pray the future doesn't lie in retrospect
Lightened by mistakes
There should be a clear way
Into the graces of protectors
To love
In spite of the incessant need you have to be needed
Just let me love
Speaking should be easy
At least to you
The first I ever spoke to
But words solidify in my mouth
Along with the tears in my eyes
They go hand in hand
And I'm still too weak
To let you see me cry

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Watch It

I gave you time
And to thank me you took mine
Oh, you never learn
Love me once
But never again
Because over on this side of town
We don't play that game anymore

We choose the high road, baby
We wave and walk by, baby
So regret if you like
Learn if you want
But baby, it's not my concern
Because I was wrong once
But it doesn't take me two falls
To learn to watch my step

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Letting Go

I feel like I have so many things to say. I first thought to put them into a poem, and then I thought about keeping them to myself. Now, I feel like I just need to talk it out, even if I'm actually just typing it to a computer screen because I'm just that cool.

Well, confusion has set in and made a home for itself in my heart. I know that God is not the author of confusion, so in other words I know this isn't from God.

My first confusing issue is when is it time to give up on someone. That sounds like a terrible thing, but we do it all the time. I'm so adamant about having boundaries in relationships. However, I've found that sometimes my heart gets in the way of my brain and things don't go how I planned. For instance, I feel like I can see through people relatively well. So, even if someone is a complete jerk I can still see a good heart. Now the problem arises when I don't know whether to leave because that person's a jerk or stay because they have a good heart. I've always believed through all my experiences that we all have things to learn from people. I've learned something from everyone who's ever been in my life. Some of the experiences were bad, and other were very good but I learned something either way. So, what do I do when it's a bad and good situation. Do I leave because it's bad and accept that I've learned all I can from this person, or do I stay because I truly see great potential and things that I still feel like I need to share with them. And who knows? Maybe I've already shared everything I can and I just need to step aside and realize that I can share, but I can't make anyone take it to heart.

It's just so complex. I just know that there are some people in my life who need to change or leave, because it's slowly turning into a bad situation and it's just not good for my heart. I just feel like some people still need me, whether it's my advice, or because I can show them love, or just to crash on my couch. However, I've recently discovered that maybe the reason I stay through so much with people is because I need to be needed more so than they actually need me. This is a hard one for me to swallow. I know that at the end of the day everyone does what they want, but I also know that every now and again a callused heart with open up and if I can just catch that window I could really help someone realize how great they were intended to be. I just don't really know what to do.

So, if anyone has any advice... feel free to share.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Take Me Away

So, in the midst of my crazy life I had a slight moment of inspiration today on none other than the streets of Atlanta... so here's my inspiration.

I found a home today
At the end of Broad St
Between the two tallest buildings
In the middle of a breeze
Underneath the smell of the streets
And an ear shot away from "You're beautiful baby"

With my hair pulled back
One strap of my shirt slipping down my shoulder
And my pants riding on the low side of my hips

For a long time now
As in several months
I've often found myself
Wanting a home of my own
Because childhood homes have grown stale
And my renting residence coincides with suburbia
A little too much for my taste

But all summer I stepped off the bus
At Peach Tree and Lucky
Just in sight of my favorite little building
And without even knowing it I made a home
Just for me
In the middle of an Atlantian breeze
And smack dab on the street
And wherever that street will take me