Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Feelings I Fear

The feeling of deep sorrow
Contemplating regret
The feelings that I fear
And only in the middle of a storm of desperation
Will I even admit
That these thoughts sit just outside my conscious
Begging to be noticed
And for all self professed strength
All the times I spoke of opposing things
They still refuse to leave
While I refuse to let them stay
And come to life
As in
My desperation for his love
My refusal in standing alone this time
A fear of failure
A fear of success
Of life
A phone call in the night
A voice that awakens memories so sweet to me
And then a shot of whisky to wash down the after taste of a bad dream
It's the way I see the world in the morning
And how it appears at night
How fragile my mind is
And how scared I really am of knowing my own darkness
In pretending to stay sane
A facade of contentment
A wave of confidence that I try to grab onto
Until it is gone again

It was the last place I wanted to be, inside my own mind. It was the last thought I ever wanted to think, that maybe I just was not good enough. So, after 3 hash brownies and 3 beers I became more aware. I don't know where to go from here.

1 comment:

margaret said...

I love the unflinching honesty in this one- not only are you being honest with the reader, but you are being honest with yourself. And we just talked about honesty in writing yesterday!

Keep up with this honesty- it will become cathartic even though it is painful at first. And you may see yourself emerge in that style of writing that you feel like you want to write in if you just keep up with it!