Thursday, July 30, 2009

Battle

These thoughts move like hurricanes
Destroy like volcanoes
And appear like the wind

These are the things that keep me grounded
To nothing
An illusion that something is beneath my feet
Breaking the fall between me and eternity

The battle rages inside me

To God be the victory
And to hell with Satan

The battle is bigger than me

You see?

This is a battle that has been going on
Since the woman and the tree
This battle now lives in me

And I refuse to let the enemy take hold of me
Because his death grip squeezes the breath out of my lungs
And it's already hard enough for me to breathe

I wish I did not name the field lonely

Standing in the front lines
I see no one by my side
And If I forget to call God tonight
Than I will be a bullet sponge
One more time

Not again
These sins are forgiven
Lies hold no place in my life
And the enemy has no authority over my mind

It was all put behind
And I'm tired of fighting tonight
So I will crawl again
Beaten up and broken down
Into the arms where Love is found
The arms of God
Where I rest

I want earthly love no more

This grace is all I need
Rest is all I hoped for

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Free

Touch me without making me bleed
You produced a DIC
And now I have half a change of surviving
Tell me
What will it be?
Revive me
Second thought, don't touch me

Just sit
And move me
So deeply
That I'm out of body
Again
I've left the vicinity
Chase me
But not if you don't plan on keeping me
With you
The only place I ever wanted to be

Sing deeply
Sing freely
Sing only to me

And if you really love me
If you ever really loved me

Set me free

Asleep

So pleasant
So divine
Everything I wanted
Nothing that I expected
Just more
So much more than a mortal minds hoped for
Or dreamed
In the moment between awake and asleep
Where You found me

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Beautiful Mess

This may be a little self absorbed, but this is just how I feel. I found this song the other day and when I was listening to it it felt like the writer had met me. I'm not getting married anytime soon but whoever I do marry will have to feel the same way about me that he feels about this girl. This girl has to be my twin. :)

"A Beautiful Mess"
Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are

We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Lies

Had a strange feeling
That even if I could have read your mind
I would still have believed all of your lies
It was the places you took me with your eyes
Outside of my body
And back into the sky
Where my body felt that it had belonged
All along

The way beauty coerced itself into our lives
And became the bond between us
Even when everything else kept us miles apart

You had my heart

Sunday, July 19, 2009

White Walls

Walking down those white halls
Everything blended so perfectly
Only slightly more narrow at the end

There was a strong sense of familiarity
But she remembered clearly

Being fourteen

And thinking

Those walls were there to keep her sane
Yes, that was it
She must

Have
Been
Crazy

But now
Those walls were just there to blend into a desired life
And
To remind her
That she was never going to be anywhere else
But there

Things never really got easier
Her hands shook violently as she opened the door
While wiping the nervous smile off of her face
So he wouldn't see through her
He couldn't see through her?

Sitting in the same chair
She wondered again why she was there
Saying,
"Are you going to try to talk to me again?
I could make your job easier and pay you
To sit, just sit."
He calmly sat
Pulling together his notes from all the other sessions
Dating back to that first frightening encounter with the white walls
At age 14

The minutes passed...
She may have escaped
Just in time for him to say
"This isn't about me. What happened to you?"
That nervous smile popped right back onto her face
And she replied "They took my body, but they won't ever take me."

The anthem of her painful living days sat in that one statement
It defined her for so long
That she was no more than a dirty body
And an ice heart
She was a living rag doll

The only thing she prayed at night was
That her soul stay unstained
The way she dreamed that she would be
In her entirety
... so young
So naive

As painful as it was
She grew up eventually
Still feeling the pains of her many yesterdays
But knowing oh so calmly
That she would never be complete
Not on this earth

Still unloved
And still fighting the memories
She went so long
Pretending to be okay
And now again
She's realizing
Why she needed a heart of stone

Because the vultures take what you give them
Everything

Take my body
But don't ever touch me


The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. She tattooed it onto her skin with pen so many times that it rang like church bells in the back of her brain. She was just hoping that one day she could say it out loud, and tell everyone unashamedly that her heart what hurting without wondering... when are they all going to leave me?

My bags are packed and sitting by the door.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Come Back to Me

Take that pretty head out of the sky
Come back to earth
Look me in the eye

Are things really as good as they seem?
Or once again are you lying to me
Living in a dream
That you desperately want to call reality

Be here with me

Talk about things as if you needed not save face
Say all the things
That you've been fearing all these years
We've been away

If you want to hide the truth
Hide your body
Because it's running down your sleeves
Come back to me

Don't say that God will take care of it
Because I know for sure that you don't believe that
Stop telling me that you're taking it a day at a time
This has all become more than a lie
This is you're life

And this is me
Offering a hand
Watching you sink

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Fly With Me

Born into the woods of desperation
Fallen out of the nest to learn to fly
With clipped wings

Again to ponder love saving us
For one another

Two lovely looking sets
Of clipped wings

Learn to fly
So I can fly with you
But even if I take flight
Into the tops of the trees
Marked with desperation
Exhaling hope
It does no good
I can not carry your weight with me

Breathing life into my childhood dreams
I see more than me

Unclasp your wings
Fly with me
And we won't ever have to touch the ground again
We'll float off into our dreams
Unspoiled by the way things are
Instead lived out the way they were meant to be

But I can't wait for you to use your wings
I fly
Wherever the wind takes me

Time is running out
I'm gone
But I shed a tear for the memories
Knowing that all that's left to gain
Is everything

Come with me

Friday, July 10, 2009

Down in Flames

Move away from the ledge
I am tired of your games

And it's not fair
That even if you don't care
I have to

But you're the only salvation
For this desperate situation
And I'm tired of casually talking
In the middle of this burning building

I have to get out now
But I'm glued to the floor

And you just keep telling me
To stop talking about the burning building
And just make some light conversation...

So I will talk about the weather
While my tears try to put out the fire
That has now reached my feet
And you will answer just as calmly

Can't you see?
Your denial takes a toll on me

And I can't save you
You don't want to save yourself
But as pathetic as it is
I'll burn in this building
Because most days I would rather go down with you
Than spend a day without

You brought me back from the dead
You gave me life
And you gave me everything I needed
To go down in these flames
Were you preparing me for this day?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Voice

Floating on at least half the clouds in the sky
Or from what can be detected by a human eye

Flirting with the wind
Chasing the rays of the sun
Reach down
Touching with a firm hand
The deepest parts
Of a human

Asking with all sincerity
"Who are you?
Not just today
But in everything.
Who are you?"

And a person
Or speaking for myself
I
Might quote all the things I do
All the things I have done
All the things I hope to be...

But all the while I mask the fact
That I can not be sure
If any of that is really me

So, I have but one reply
And I can not speak for everyone
I can not even be sure if I am right

But I said to the sky
"I am human
I am a women
And I wish to be a servant
I am humbled by the world around me
And foolishly prideful
About gifts that only God has given me
I am a stranger in a foreign land
I am a skeptic
And I don't trust man
I am human
I am trying
And by the grace of God
I have started to see what it means to be loving
I am always learning"

The voice in the sky never replied
The wind never told me if I was right
The rays of the sun never painted answers
On my scorching body

But I pray it is enough
That I am learning

And as always
When I am not enough
God's grace covers me

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Sex

Get your sex out of my bed
The infectious life sucking sex
You disgust me

I cleaned those sheets for day
Then I threw them away
And finally
I took them outside
Poured enough lighter fluid on them
To blow up a small town
And I torched those suckers

Sex is the disease
That flowed out of them
And onto me
Onto my sheets
And into my dreams
... or nightmares

Sex, get away from me

You're slippery under my feet
Making sure that I always slip
Whenever I'm not looking

That's just who you are
A tricky little mind game

I don't need you
And I wish I didn't want you
But until you become somethings
That doesn't always destroy everything

It's best that you just leave me be

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Cross

Tonight
I stand
In awe
Of God
Of the second chance that is my life

The world swirls around me
Sometimes an infinite evil
That is too much for my weary heart to stand

But abandonment
Is not a claim of mine
God did not abandon me in this life

I stand
Humbled
By the grace that has been bestowed upon me
And never in my life have I been less deserving

The time I have is too short
To give God all of me
Enough to believe that I ever deserved to be set free
So I will just rest
With the gift He has given me

Jesus,
Let me be used for Your glory
May Your light forever shine through me
Make everyday a new chance for my life
To give You glory

Today my burdens roll away
To the foot of the cross