Sunday, July 19, 2009

White Walls

Walking down those white halls
Everything blended so perfectly
Only slightly more narrow at the end

There was a strong sense of familiarity
But she remembered clearly

Being fourteen

And thinking

Those walls were there to keep her sane
Yes, that was it
She must


But now
Those walls were just there to blend into a desired life
To remind her
That she was never going to be anywhere else
But there

Things never really got easier
Her hands shook violently as she opened the door
While wiping the nervous smile off of her face
So he wouldn't see through her
He couldn't see through her?

Sitting in the same chair
She wondered again why she was there
"Are you going to try to talk to me again?
I could make your job easier and pay you
To sit, just sit."
He calmly sat
Pulling together his notes from all the other sessions
Dating back to that first frightening encounter with the white walls
At age 14

The minutes passed...
She may have escaped
Just in time for him to say
"This isn't about me. What happened to you?"
That nervous smile popped right back onto her face
And she replied "They took my body, but they won't ever take me."

The anthem of her painful living days sat in that one statement
It defined her for so long
That she was no more than a dirty body
And an ice heart
She was a living rag doll

The only thing she prayed at night was
That her soul stay unstained
The way she dreamed that she would be
In her entirety
... so young
So naive

As painful as it was
She grew up eventually
Still feeling the pains of her many yesterdays
But knowing oh so calmly
That she would never be complete
Not on this earth

Still unloved
And still fighting the memories
She went so long
Pretending to be okay
And now again
She's realizing
Why she needed a heart of stone

Because the vultures take what you give them

Take my body
But don't ever touch me

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. She tattooed it onto her skin with pen so many times that it rang like church bells in the back of her brain. She was just hoping that one day she could say it out loud, and tell everyone unashamedly that her heart what hurting without wondering... when are they all going to leave me?

My bags are packed and sitting by the door.