Saturday, September 10, 2011

I cry in cars

I cry. by myself. in cars. once in a blue moon.
And even then
It's embarrassing

I'm always driving away when I cry

If I was asked where I am going
It would simple be... nowhere

I'm driving away from a past
A disappointment
Another thing that I painfully pull my contractured fingers away from
In the name of "I guess that's just life"
And it has been

My tears
They store up
They sit in my chest cavity
Knocking politely on my sternum
Asking to be free

After time I can only pretend
That the movement in my chest is me breathing
Like oceans
And bilateral rails

The cage
It adds to my guilt
That I can not give tears to my sadness

My ocean stopped my lungs completely
Begging me to move
To sit on the floor
Face in hands
And let go
It was the least I could do
After flushing my baby down the toilet in the Target bathroom...

Fear is the dam
The stop in my natural thoughts
And I was afraid
That I would sink into the floor
And become a part of that bathroom
And stay with my baby
Thinking that her heart would beat again

That God didn't spare her from a poor excuse for a dad
And maybe even me...

I am a statue
I am cold as ice
And steady as hollow stone

Despite the lack of depth
I always look the same

I made myself this way

I was told that no one was coming to save me
And I decided that even if there is nothing inside me
At least I look held together
Like someone you could lean on

The sarcastic voice
The heels that make my 5 foot 7 inch stature tower over everyone saying... "I'm aright with you looking up at me."

I thought I was strong
I thought it looked like strength for so long
When I've never been strong enough
And at the end of the day

I'm not sure what strength looks like

Thursday, September 8, 2011


If eyes really are windows to the soul
Than he knows

Our DNA just held hands
And he can feel my sadness
It transcends reality and sits on our shared chromosomes

I gave myself set amounts of time
To be destructive
But sadness won't confine itself to my time
I can not bind it and force submission
No music is breaking me from it's claws
And sleep doesn't seem as easy to come by as it once was

This is my problem

I'm barely post adolescent
And this was when my life was supposed to begin
This is my moment
And it looks just like everything I dreamed it would be

Did anyone tell me?

Dreams change so quickly
Maybe that's why they slip through my fingers
Dancing in breezes right in front of my face
Reminding me that I can't hold them

This was my dream
Until 4 excruciating months ago
And who would have known
That my dream is missing little fingers and toes

I can not communicate
I can not write
I know nothing of this sadness
Or microscopic heart beats

I know nothing of these dreams