I Forgot

She is pale

Has not seen light in so long, she burns easily

She thinks we are still in love with that boy from the 7th grade

I forgot to tell her he didn’t feel the same way

Kept it to myself 

Kept her safe

She was wrapped up in a corner

With the last of my beautiful things 

I forgot to warn her before you found me

To tell her that since we last met

That I finally found myself beautiful 

A few times

And it as much a curse as a blessing

The boy we thought we would meet

Never traveled the world with us

Or told us we were more beautiful 

Than all the statues and monuments 

But he still loves us

Even though he doesn’t know how

Couldn’t find her in the corner

Or his own

Buried under all he is sill afraid to dream

While she were gone 

I forgot to be gentle 

Lost my soft footing

And started kicking rocks

I told her that’s why she’s been gone so long

I’m clumsy

Didn’t know how to hold something beautiful

Without dropping it

I don’t know how to stop lying

That is who I became when she was hiding 

I did not tell her how many people searched for her

With broken pieces and empty words

I knew she was still naive

She would try to lean on them 

And when she fell

She’d get hurt 

I forgot to tell her I needed her

Forgot that she is strong 

Because she isn’t afraid to dream

I pulled my heart out of the last stack of beautiful things

Told her I’m lonely 

And she’s still so young

She believes she can fix things

I Can't Remember

The ring felt heavy at first
Like a burden

Now I wish my finger could forget it's weight
Not feel so empty

I wish I could remember you
What I loved about your hands
The way you made me feel safe

I wish I wasn't so good at forgetting
And letting love go to waste

At not remembering

Still a Shadow

The distance makes the heart grow fonder

If this is you than I miss not knowing you
Or knowing a you that looks more like who you would have been
Had you not given on dreams
That will never look like a reality

Sometimes I still wish...

That you were still a shadow cast over the darkness in my life

"if" in my memoirs

A regret on my list

Human

I took the most sacred parts of myself
And placed them inside of you

Burried my secrets in your open arms
And believed them to be kept safe in your tears

Forgot my heart was too fragile to place in another human's arms
That perfection was required to break it's fall

... and you
Were just human

Skipping Beats

My heart still skips a beat

All these years later...

My heart still knows that when you are around it is supposed to be dancing

... but it still skips a beat

 

Your name appears on my phone like a memory

Dragging me back to everything I dreamed we could be... night after night

All those years

While my heart was skipping beats

 

 

I called my dad two days after I met you and said,

"I found him. He's the one."

 

My heart was skipping beats

Ready to be the first one out on the floor dancing

Ready to rediscover the woman I was meant to be

Skipping beats

 

I taught my heart to dance to a count

To stay in line

To keep me living

 

The first time you touched your guitar to sing to me

My heart was ready to fear

Showing you how human I am

Skipping a beat

 

 

So, I let you in

Cracked open my chest

Said, "I've been using this skin as a distraction."

And let you watch my heart beat a little differently...

 

The first time you grabbed my hand and asked me to dance

My heart fell into yours

 

I stayed

Long after closing hours

After I realized that you had my heart

Without knowing how to hold it

That your fingers were spread too wide to catch all the pieces

To realize how fragile the glue was that held me together

To know that you were the only one

I ever let in that space

Ever took my distraction off for

Was within five minutes of arrest

And cracked my chest wide open

 

It was only you

Who made my heart skip a beat...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sickest

The sickest parts of me feed on you
Grow and stay ill
Bury the cough in your chest hoping to raddle your rib cage
... And break free

I wanted to believe that you were not the poison
But with everything else gone
You are still killing me
Slowly feeding my delravity
Throwing treats to my self hatred

I am going to save what is left of me