Can You See Her?

Do you see her?
Or do you still look away?
With little faith
In the mercy of God
And how He causes change
Don't you know
That brothel floor is much colder than it seems
Living in a black and white
Dimmed down life
Day by day
And the nights in between
Which last longer than they should
She's a mural
Of the most innate sin
Than channels through the soul of a person
And destroys the very dust they were formed of
The very life force
That causes a person to be

Part angel

But she knows only humanity
Depravity
Piled on top of anger
She's never
Seen
An
Angel
But she knows raging demons
Refusing to control themselves
Masking warped ideas
Saying they can not control... it
But she knows many faces
No names
And people refuse to look at her
Glance at her pain

And she often wonders
Does she exist
If no one can see her

Stay Here

I never believed in ghosts
But I've created them a time or two
In places where the connection is so strong
That my mind replays a scene
Scene of my past
And then I can see
Standing
Laughing
Loving
And crying
The ghosts of memories
So strong to me
That I see them everywhere
When I need a little faith
That there are ghosts to come
Memories yet to be made
By a mind that only knows two names
When confusion sets in
And standing in a familiar place
I reach a daze
Almost a comatose state
But really
Just a time machine
Taking me back
To the magnetic memories
That my mind will always want to see
Just one more time
But that time never comes
And a memory morphs into an obsession
Followed shortly by discontent
Suddenly I am aware
That I'm conversing with ghosts
More than my friends
And I can't look in the mirror
Because time changed me again

I Want to Live the Life

Whisper words to heaven
About it all
And what I came up lacking
After the fall
For the wisdom of Solomon
The courage of Esther
The faith of Job
And the strength of Sampson
In a time
When there were more pressing matters
Than this life
In valor
In honor
To the One who gave us life
To brave deaths
Like the disciples
In loyalty
Like that of Ruth's
When death comes before disbelief
I want to stand
For all those
Who to us
Only exist in stories
I want to live and die for what I know to be True
I want to sit with the saints
And inspire others to find You

To Be Me

I need not underestimate
The choices I have to make
And now I choose to be happy
To believe
Uncontrollable magnificent things surround me
I see
Everything
I love
To breathe
I need
Peace
And I found it
With the only One who ever really knew me
To live
And understand what that means
When all that surrounds
Is all that I need
In a dream so real
I can feel it, touch it, taste it, and love it
Inhaling life into all the intricate parts of me
All the complexities
That have become my identity
To take the place of the empty space
That occupied the room
In the middle of my heart
Farthest away from the outside
But now I know who I am
Because You told me
Then You taught me
How beautiful it really is
To be me

Once Upon a Time

One step at a time
I'll take yours
And give you mine
A love that could not be contained by the mind
The heart
And the world didn't understand
Smiles that shot across the room
On our mouths
In our eyes
Floating in the air
Breathing was the sweetest thing to me
When you caught my eye
And the air felt so alive in my lungs
And sweet words danced off my tongue
While I went home
And spun around and around
Smiling at nothing
And singing into nowhere
Wondering how someone could be as lucky as me
And that love conquered the world
Then handed it back
For freedom
Independence
All the things we couldn't experience
Not with each other
Not so young
With no identity
You could never know me
Not until I knew myself
So, that we did
And then we found
That our identities clash
And the memories of the way you looked at me
And that way my hand fit perfectly
Right into yours
Still finds me when I sleep
And I wake up smiling at my dreams
And you
I hope you find that again
And me... I know I will find it one day
Those eyes that tell me all those things
The things I could never fully believe about me
And I'll feel like the luckiest girl in the room
And know that the days are numbered
That these hands will always have to be empty

My Life Tonight

My feet are still moving
But my momentum is down
And I'm no longer going
Constantly running
Into a tower as massive as the sky
And farther across than I can travel
And now
I feel more distant than ever
And the space between myself and the rest of the world
Is a canyon
That can not be scaled by life or love
I can hardly see people in the distance
And I don't expect understanding
Or love
Or real friendship
Because I can not keep purposely setting myself up
To fail
And fail I do

I never want anyone to touch this heart
Never again
And I don't want anyone to know where I am
Or take me by the hand
Because now I know
That this world was built for us to all feel alone
On a island
On a planet of our own
A universe where arms can not reach
And good things only abound in dreams
That are so dark tonight
With a line
Shinning bright
That might protect this dimmed life
Lost love
And hope temporarily turned into ice

The End

Like a maze
They spent all their time running
Running in a daze
But you stepped up to the plate
With the blue prints in your hand
And walked right in
A fresh breeze blew through my heart
And I gave you the part you had conquered
The part that was meant to be given away
Before I knew how to love
But there was no manual on who to love
Or when to let go
And the second you walked out of my life
I became a shell of a person
Hollow-void of life and love
The blood running through my viens went cold
And I realized
I gave my heart to a stranger
So, ever fiber of my intricate being
Went to get it back
And finally I want no more
I've bolted those doors
It hurts to think of being without for eternity
But it would hurt worse
To let you short cut back into my heart
Day after day
And I would live with the same pain
For a life time

Why Remember?

I remember so well
I remember everything so well
Your silly smile
And the face you made
After you put too much tequila in your drink
The way that you didn't talk right away
Because you said that you're shy around pretty girls
And I knew
I wasn't born yesterday
You met new girls every week
And I would have been foolish to think you cared about me
But my fragile heart
With a stone wall exterior
Was reaching for anything
So I aced your king
I was playing the winning hand that night
I took the table
And you took me without a fight
I guess I was more foolish than I thought
Or I would have forgot by now
But your smile won out
And the way you breathed down my neck
And ran your fingers down my back
Makes me want to scream, run, and cry
Without ever letting you know why
And out of all those girls
You still remember me
And I still know
I know why
But as much as I hate it
As much as I fight it
And as strong as my heart is now
There are a million reasons to leave
But if you gave me one reason to believe you
Then I would go your way

Confusion

I'm looking at myself from the outside
And I wonder
How did I get like this?
And did sorrow make me beautiful?

And then I look at a picture
For a moment I swear
I can see my heart beating through my body
I can see the tears flowing out of my soul
And I must wonder

How did that little girl
Love that little boy
And somehow that love
Created hell

A good thing too soon
A bad thing too late
A heart that needed love
And fake love to take

And there are days
When it seems like forever
Every hour is a gut wrenching lifetime
And every second stings worse
And then there are other days
When I can not help but wonder
Am I better for learning to breathe?

Dreaming. But Not for Me

Oh me
My silly self
My silly dreams
In the scope of everything
And all that could be
My plan might seem to be
All that there is for me
But what if there is something so much better
Something outside of a 9-5
That would make me a hero behind the scenes
Because all who aspired for spotlight
Found that spotlight eats through the skin
Digs into the soul
And changes the heart
While they don't even know

But me
Oh me
Silly me
Silly dreams
I just want to be behind the scenes
And mean something to a person
Not a crowd
Mean something to a little girl with no parents
Something to a little boy with no shoes
This is my new dream
With new love
And new hope

Maybe they are right
Nothing ever turns out how we want it too
But sometimes
With grace and surrender
Things turn out better than we imagined them to be

And laying on my death bed
I don't want to listen to my children
Fighting over my will
I don't want to listen to grandchildren
Screaming because mommmy won't let them have a candy
I want to hear the sound of the nations
Of the faceless children
Of the hopeless hearts
Singing a song of love
A song of peace

I want to lay and know
I heard the call
I went when He said "Go"
I want to know
That the world is a better place
Than it was when I arrived

Walls

Look at me
And tell me there are no secrets you keep
'Cause I feel the walls
Farther than your words
And sometimes we lie
Completely unaware
But I've ran into the cold stone
The familiar feeling
Of friendship gone as far as it can
Because some people
Love walls more then relationships
And then sit for hours on end
With a cup of tea pondering
Why things never seem to pan out how they seem

I just wish I could put you in a box
And I wish you did not color outside the lines
But we are all careless children in some ways
And people were never black and white
Not like morals
And boxes contain
But people
Channel passion
But with that passion
Flows rights and free will
That makes secrets so easy to keep
And walls so easy to build
And love so easy to reject
And confusion sets in
Then times
Even tea
Pondering
And asking why
Won't open a persons eyes
To see
That maybe the walls are not around everyone else
Maybe they are around me

Spirit of Love

Did you ever need to know someone was there?
To look into the sky
And see everything you never saw before
When reminiscing has died
And the only road is moving forward
To see love and war
Knowing that somewhere in it all
There is innocence hiding
To be found beneath all that has been seen
When heartaches cease
When broken families are made whole again
In the brief moments
Life is perfect
The world is perfect
And a blanket of peace covers you in your sleep
You weep
Tears of joy
Pain leaves
And love flies freely
Where all can see
And the world suddenly becomes a better place
Because one human being saw the light
And gave it to a child with no food
A widow with no money
A man who lost his wife to a long fight
A girl who lost her heart in a dark alley one night
A world with no hope
Bleeding from the inside
A dream broken by rejection pouring in from all sides
Mountains of people with no names
Hundreds of babies with no faces
Millions of people lost in their own search
But in the middle of it all
A light
That was caught
A hope that was held on to so tight
When dreams were never too far out of reach
And suddenly women no longer fear
Bringing children into a hopeless world
Because there is hope
Grace
And even when we do no see
A God who has been to every place
We hold so dear to our hearts
So dear to our souls
That no man will ever know
And no lover could ever break
And starvation can not rob us of
The spirit we all hold inside
The spirit of love

Maturity?

I had no idea
Even hours ago
That life would put me back on this porch
Sitting three steps down
Looking out
Wondering how I got here
Wondering why I sat here
Wondering if I could ever breathe here
Was it ever alright to be here?
Maybe God knew all along
That had this been less than a year ago
I would be getting drunk and high
Laying in another man's bed
Begging for love again
Wondering why again
Trying not to cry again
But as much as I crave immaturity these days
As much as I need to be young and free
I have more freedom now than I cold ever need
And I'm still just a few days past birth
But I know this time
That alcohol falls out of my system
The cloud in my brain has to clear one day
Then I would find myself back on this porch
A little older
And a little less mature

Maybe God knew
That this time He has to be my first option
So, I can finally be everything
That I was always intended to be
And broken was never on that list

Going Back and Moving Forward

Stuck in the back of my mind
Racing on a wheel
Turning still
Over and over again
I know this time
That the mind is a powerful thing
Twisting and turning
Until I no longer know what to believe
And I was fooled once again
By my own thoughts
Thinking of all the good times
That it in light of retrospect
Look so much brighter than today
But once again
I jumped the fence
And realized
There was a reason I left in the first place
And as much as the memories play with me
They are not as bright as they seem
They are stained with sin
With broken dreams
Pain that no one could see
No one but me
But my mind convinced me not to believe
Convinced to look behind me

Shine

Standing in the middle of a canyon
Two fists full of flesh
One burning straight through my hand
And another shining

With all the sense I've been given
I should let go
But my hands can not stay empty
So, the shining must be grabbed by both
Without hesitation

But this disorder of my mind
Wants to burn
And hold on
As much as it hurts

Seeking change
Knowing all the while
That the burn will always be the same

Be Wrong for Me

Mommy, please be wrong
I need you to be wrong
Filling my head with bitter thoughts
I would have figured it out for myself

And is it not true of everything?
That the world needs success
The world needs healthy people
Because that's where the broken draw strength from
Maybe, just maybe things turn out right

So, mom... Why did you jade me?
With you're words that were supposed to protect
I remember clearly
I was 10 years old when you gave me the speech
You told me what men want from me
You told me never to believe anything
To consider men to be liars and animals
Because that was going to protect me

It never did
It made me bitter and angry
And when someone came along
Who said he loved me
He was just that to me
A liar and an animal
And when I tried to prove you wrong
He proved you right

So, now
What should I think?
Is there anything out there left for me?
Does bitterness belong in my soul?
The same bitterness that you gave me
8 years ago

Why can't I sit back
Accept love
And give it back

Because you taught me how to hate animals
And call a liar