God Forbid

I'm going to call it a bad day

I'll call it a mood

But God forbid I claim it

God forbid I deal with it
Not filling my schedule with more things I don't have time for
So I never have to sit and think
God forbid

There was a crack in the cement running from one side to the next. I wondered if people would still walk here if it were perfect. Someone would stake their claim on something worth having, not today. So, I'll step over the crack and walk away.

Same thing
I will never be loved enough to be claimed

I am forgiven
But still tainted enough in the eyes of men
That I'll always be the friend or the last resort
That's who I am

I tried to change and I tried to lie
Burying the me inside
And finding my mask
With the happy smile and sad eyes
I tried

To hope that one day I would have a family
Of my own

But nothing I could wear, do, or say
Can take away
These things people see
Sense
Know
It's the intuition of human nature

So now I will love myself enough to walk away
I will love myself so much that I don't ever settle for being the last resort
I am the first catch or I am nothing at all
Work fine on my own

And if I get lonely
I'll buy a dog

I am and will always be convinced
That things were never meant to be like this

God never meant for me to feel this way

But today I want to see things
Instead of making my own reality
Where I am lovely

If that cement could talk it would apologize for not being perfect, but never desire to be beautiful. People shame the beautiful as if they were put here to lead people astray.

Don't apologize
If you haven't done anything wrong

You're Dreams

I hope you're not waiting
For things to be as neat as they are in your dreams
Life is outside of those things
But if you open your eyes
Life is beautiful right around it's jagged edges

Life is amazing
Right here on earth

Get out of your head
And realize that eventually
You'll have to make a decision
Make it beautiful

My Fire

Place your strong hands on my life
Until it shutters

Like approaching a fireplace
To warm numb limbs
From a lifetime in the cold
The burn of knowing that things will be better from now on
That my body is warming
And once the pain passes
I will feel again

Be my fire

And when I look at your hands for the thousandth time
Realizing that they are the last hands I ever want to hold
I'll keep them with me
To shield me from the cold

It's Alright

I closed my eyes every night
To listen to your voice in my head
The only place that it still lived

I tried so hard not to forget you
Until one night I let you slip away
I forgot to remember you
Forgot to let you out of your cage
To live in my mind

Every boy after you
Just made me miss you more
And the only time I hated you
Was when
For one second
I thought that if you had stayed with me
No one else could have ever touched me

I'm sorry
Sorry that I blamed you for even a second
For what happened to me

You were too pure
You were too perfect
Too much of everything I ever wanted
And I can never hate you
I can never wish anything more
Than that God had spared you
From yourself

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to keep you around
I couldn't bring you back to earth

I wish you could see my life now
I wish you could be proud
That I'm not so sad anymore
I'm not so young anymore

I am slightly more jaded
But close enough to earth that I can feel a heart beat
Close enough
That people move me

I was too young to know better
To love you better

I could have been more

But that wasn't the beginning
Of feeling like I couldn't do anything
Right

It just sat there in the back of my mind
And sometimes at night
I could feel you hold my hand
And things didn't seem so lonely

I could feel you kiss my bruises that others inflicted on me
I could feel you cry over the cuts that I put all over me

I could feel you

But it was never enough
Because the second I turned around you were gone

Always gone

The First Day... Again

I find myself hesitant to write. I know my language will do this no justice.

A day never existed
As beautiful as this
Magnificent in the flows
And gracious to the mind

This is the day

Whether or not I believed in Love
Love always believed in me
Me
So unlovable

First loves are a constant memory
Always tugging at the same strings
Of broken hearts

Today is a good day to say
That I wear a broken heart on my sleeve
But my first Love is mending it slowly

He's more sweet than I imagined Him to be
Gentle to my rugged ways
And soft to a hard heart
He is my everything

Once upon what seems like another life
I refused to see
But He was always looking at me
Refusing to run away
He was the first who cared enough to stay

I find myself so weak
The trait that I have despised most
Since the day I first looked in a mirror
And learned how to hate
But now my weakness is so sweet
Fueling my only Love
Showing His strength

Fearing to dream
I thought of many things
And nothing I could fathom
Was nearly as beautiful as what I've seen

These are the moments
That would last a lifetime
If the world were a fair place
But while I feel
I will feel every depth
Every angle
All the liquid parts flowing through my distorted being

I cry with a grateful heart
I cry with a soul that was once lost

I am free
And I am loved

I never thought I would find either of those things

But He found me
When no one else could find me

I am alive

I Envy Her

Everything is nearly perfect
And everything that isn't
Only makes her more beautiful

When I close my eyes I can see her
I can see all of her graces
All the ways she pulls them in

I have no desire to know this girl
But I'll always wish I was more like her

I'll always wonder what would have happened
If I could go back and do my life over
As perfectly as possible
Dotting my I's and crossing my T's
Making sure that everything was so sweet
So innocent
So... unlike me

Maybe I could be her
With no story
But the ones that she reads
In her perfect books
Filled with perfect pages
Touched by lovely hands

It's a strange feeling
To be so jealous of someone I don't even know

Driving

Ready to cry

Drive to anywhere

Watch the rain try to wash away my car
And keep on going like I don't notice
Just the way I like to do it

I'm ready to fall backwards
Ready to laugh at the things I can't change
And drop the things I can

I'm going to say this once
Because I might not think this tomorrow

But you don't deserve me...
None of you
And I'm tired of pretending
That any of you ever have a chance
Of getting to touch me

I'm going to keep driving
And I'm dropping this town as soon as it sets me free
Just like every other time
I'll leave the people with the ground

It hurts to leave
But it hurts worse when you come around

Stick your ground

..............

Dress me up or down
Which ever way you want me

Keep my mouth taped shut
And you won't ever have to ask me what I think

Tell me to get down on my knees
And I will do as you please

Is it better to show you what you can't have
Or watch you take what you can't see

I have my doubts

But I'll still role play
In whatever costume you have for me today
And I'll still smile when you tell me to be myself
While begging me to wear something better suited for yourself

Your denial is the most amusing thing left in this relationship

Don't get near me

Leave me be

I am moving along just fine

And no matter how much anyone knows about me

I'll still be a mystery


Now, try and find me

Today

Today, it's too hard to be me, but nearly impossible to live outside my body. I'm speaking to fast and thinking too slow. It's the trimmers again. Withdraw.

I am not sure what to do
When I forget I have a loving Father
I get so confused
When my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears
And I'm desperate
To be heard
Or to be saved
To remember that this is not my shame

I feel anxious. My mental health is fading, and I'm refusing to walk away. Why do I make things so hard on myself? I know I can't have much to say, and talking with my hips is exhausting and always sending... all the wrong signals but not the ones you would think. I breathe in my depravity. I breathe out my wounds. My exit wounds look worse than the entrance and I don't know how to cover them anymore.

I can't love myself enough to be beautiful
Not today

I can't hate myself enough to give up
Not today

I'm existing to purgatory
I'm looking at the world through distorted glass
And the more I see
The less I know


See, she was down so far that no one could find her, and now that I'm looking I wish to forget the journey. Always dividing up the assets of a divorce like change to the poor. Divorcing her sin felt like cutting away the only part of her that she was convinced she didn't hate.

See, she is me. I am her, and somewhere in the distance is who I'm supposed to be.

Today, I feel lost.
Not hopeless
But hurt
So hurt that I'm no longer breathing
I'm living on osmosis
Living on passive things

I'm tired of apologizing
Tired of praying that God would forgive me
For being

Take Love

Give me something dark and beautiful
To mask what I can not say

Let beautiful words fall from your lips
Memorize me with your truth or lies
The difference will fall in the air

Play on words until I cry
Leaving me to lay in my peace

Escape the hands the bury me in my sleep
Without ever having to let it leave me
Know that I have dreams
About dying

If there were breath to be taken
Take it from me
There is no need anymore
To keep love for me

There is love buried in me
Set it free

Set me free

Standing In

There's something about all this
That disgusts me down to the core of my being

And I can't shake it

But I'm not sure that I would
Even if I knew how

There is innocence in this midst of all this
As hidden as it may seem

As much as this repulses me

There's something that tells me
That it's never hopeless as long as I'm feeling

The enemy of love is apathy

So, even my pain is part of the solution
I'm holding out for those who have already let go

I'll be your stand in

Everything I Have

So many years
Grabbing onto shaking lamp posts
Floating feathers
And the back of cars
Moving as fast they go

Attached to temporary things
Wishing for them to stay
Watching them fall
Watching them move away

Withdrawing
Was the water on a seed of self loathing
Detaching
Made a cold chill down to the marrow in my bones

Never taught to respond
Or taught myself
Life
I spoke death
Into my soul
Believing that it was a way to live a life

Trying to ignore the darkness

It whispered to me
So lightly
That I could make my ears learn
To stop listening
Yet there was a dark cloud following death
For years I saw it moving slowly towards me
And then hovering
Over the everglades
Ice caps of a frozen heart
Begging for life

Sitting in the back of my eyes

Feel

I lay naked and exposed
The only way I know to live
But the sun of the desert beats down on my heart
It runs into the streets
To people who love me

Love was never a good enough reason to stay

I can not help but wonder
If my heart is finding more homes
In more temporary things

I can not keep anything in my hands
To save my life
Literally to save my life

Prove me wrong
Please
I have been waiting my whole life
To be proven wrong

Stay
Please stay
Love me always

Do not let my heart wash away
Do not bury it before my body

I'm finally alive for the first time

I do not hurt the way I did
But I remember
I remember every second of every heartbreak
Every bit of pain is imprented my brain

I desire to be honest today
I want to tell God that I need Him here
Tangible so I can feel Him in my hands
Feel Him wrap around my exposed self
Wash my weary eyes

Be the only One who will ever prove me wrong
The only One to stay
Never go away

Ashes

In the breeze still lull
Everyone is silent
Out of respect
Or shock
But still
No noise
Life just changed again
Unlike the little ways that it moves everyday

It jumped

Give me a moment
Let me stand
Soak in the ashes and filth of what was burned
And dream of what will be
With all the frightening uncertainty that it brings
Let me have that moment
Just for me
Realizing that in this visible uncertainty
I have no more self led direction
Than I did before

I believe
That He gives beauty for ashes