Friday, September 11, 2009


Today, it's too hard to be me, but nearly impossible to live outside my body. I'm speaking to fast and thinking too slow. It's the trimmers again. Withdraw.

I am not sure what to do
When I forget I have a loving Father
I get so confused
When my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears
And I'm desperate
To be heard
Or to be saved
To remember that this is not my shame

I feel anxious. My mental health is fading, and I'm refusing to walk away. Why do I make things so hard on myself? I know I can't have much to say, and talking with my hips is exhausting and always sending... all the wrong signals but not the ones you would think. I breathe in my depravity. I breathe out my wounds. My exit wounds look worse than the entrance and I don't know how to cover them anymore.

I can't love myself enough to be beautiful
Not today

I can't hate myself enough to give up
Not today

I'm existing to purgatory
I'm looking at the world through distorted glass
And the more I see
The less I know

See, she was down so far that no one could find her, and now that I'm looking I wish to forget the journey. Always dividing up the assets of a divorce like change to the poor. Divorcing her sin felt like cutting away the only part of her that she was convinced she didn't hate.

See, she is me. I am her, and somewhere in the distance is who I'm supposed to be.

Today, I feel lost.
Not hopeless
But hurt
So hurt that I'm no longer breathing
I'm living on osmosis
Living on passive things

I'm tired of apologizing
Tired of praying that God would forgive me
For being

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