Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Little Finger Tips

Paint swirls like soft finger tips
The fingers of children
Enmeshed in life
And the inability to see past a moment
Yet cherishing the moment
With all the colors of their tiny fingers

The world seems brighter

Yet I have a thing for dull colors

And the children seem foreign to me
Aliens from some other planet
That is not quite as practical as me

So impractical

Inviting me into their world
Painted with colors from their finger tips
And figments of active little imaginations
Asking me to sit down

And... sometimes I sit down

Try to find something familiar
Something that the buried child in me
Can try to understand

And then for a brief moment
It makes sense

We are to be like little children

The world is so much brighter
It doesn't have to be


Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Are you wounded?

You threw your body onto the ground
You look wounded
And I'm not sure if I'm helping or hurting
But I can't lay there with you

I stayed there for so long
That the cement became a part of my face
And the only thing in my world was the feeling of being little spoon
While your over sized arm lay around my waste

It took too long for me to realize
That every time that I wanted to rise and be part of the world
Your grip grew tighter

Big spoon was only getting bigger
Engulfing me with one large ... scoop

I do not blaim you. No, I am sad for you. Sad that the cement is still so much a part of you. Knowing that the world could use what you have to offer, but you throw yourself on the ground. In fear of being claimed for your flaws in an already imperfect world.

I can lay with you no more
Helping no longer seems reasonable
It is useless to offer a hand to a willing victim of the ground

It seems useless

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Wonder in Bits and Moments

I told you that things would be wonderful

A little girl
And I knew
Things would be wonderful

Those fields had to look just like the rest of the world
And I could have laid in those flowers
For hours
Never wondering who made them
Or from where they came
All I needed to know
Was that they were all around me

They could have been made just for those hours
Where they were my only dancing partners
And I didn't think that I would ever feel alone again

I knew
The world was made for wonder

It was in my eyes
In my dance
In my dress
And the wind that kept me spinning
In everything

There is wonder in everything

And I see it
I see it now

It is a blessing more so than a curse
To fall in love with everything around me
And live with with a broken heart
When I leave one field for another

It teaches me to hope
To pray
To see wonder
In everything

And fall in love again and again
An abandon to be in love with everyone
And every bit and moment of creation
To live loving
I always wondered if it would be as wonderful as I thought

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Always Tomorrow

I may have run out of words today
Out of inspiration
A desire to break out of four walls
And be in the world
In the moment

I might have lost it

It may have been somewhere between the frustration
Somewhere in the middle of the fourth moment
That anger got the best of me again
Inside of the rude remarks that roll around in my brain
After something so "obviously" ridiculous is spoken

It could have been 2 hours of sleep
Or walking by my Bible this morning
Because I woke up late
"Somehow" my alarm got turned off

It could have been a number of things

Maybe I'll put my finger on it

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


A series of compromises
In the name of love
And in the blind faith
That being together
Might prove to be better than being alone

Looks like marriage

The Story

Your ashes fell like stars
In front of my eyes
Landing at my feet
And burning again
Until nothing was left
But me

I knew from the second that I saw you
You'd be a part of my story


It seems that sometimes
The hardest thing is coming out from under the cloak of denial

Stop lying to myself
And say it


Coming from my thoughts
And spilling onto the innocent

Does God love me all the same?
If I decide to be sad for a minute

Does He look at me with the same grace?
When I admit disappointment

Is He offended by my complaints?
Looking at all that He has given me
Just to hear me speak of feeling
Feeling like a child
Who loved as lost
Beyond her years
Past her maturity

I feel consumed
Breathing in the fumes of my depravity
Walking in a world
That isn't fair
And never was supposed to be

If these tears cover the page
Will my thoughts fall away?

Or when my pen stops
And my fingers stop clicking away
At each letter
Will I finally fall to my knees
And beg that Goes doesn't take another from me
Beg for this broken heart to find rest on this earth

Beg with all of the humility I can muster up
With all of the passion that hides behind
Being appropriate
With everything I have

All that can't bear the death
Can't take another goodbye
Not always finding the meaning

All in me
That finds this world to be so


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Heaven to Me

I need heaven like my soul needs to be set free
The taste of something sweet

This world tastes bitter
Lay screaming
From the salt in my wounds
Ripping away my skin
Leaving me exposed
Naked and ashamed

I desire to dwell in Your land forever
Take the world from me
Take the thoughts of people
From my brain
Set me free

Let me be free
With a mind that knows of nothing
Nothing but Your glory

Speak to me
Of life everlasting
The person you created me to be
Create me
Bring heaven to me

As if this world
Never touched me

Monday, March 15, 2010

Future Daughter

Dress up your dolls
Play house
And dream

I wish I could tell you
That life will always look the same as it does
When you're 2 or 3
There is nothing to look back on
And everything to look forward to

Play hide and seek
When it's still the only thing
To fill your day
Between milk and cookies

Dream all that you can
And hold them in your heart
For the days when you have an Egypt to look back on
And you're in the desert

I wish that I could tell you
That life will always look like forts in the back yard
And climbing trees

But, baby
There is a day when you will exist
When you will grow up
Have your first broken heart
And the only thing that I will be able to do
Is stroke your hair while you cry
Trying to convince you that you will love again
No matter how little you believe me...

There will be a day

And all I have to say is..

Enjoy your moments
Every little day
As long as they seem
When so few are behind you

Dreams of the land of promise
That is only ahead
And never fear the desert
Because the Lord holds
And I will hold you too
I will hold you too

Trip With Me

I look through my memory
The only one that I have
Biased it may be
But you swirl like a dream

You're thousands of shades of blue
And it's a brown out
So remind me

You wanted everything
And I was up for the taking
So you took
And you took
And you took
From me

You made me feel like I was somewhere else
People like you don't happen
Where I grew up

You were my favorite
My acid
Sitting in my spinal column

And sometimes
I turn the wrong way
And your swirling colors come back to me
With one swift crack of my back
Your acid takes me

And the memories flood in
Just a little trip...

The only way you ever seemed
Sucking me into your fantasy
Dressing me up like your mistress
And putting too much makeup on me
So no one would know
That your children were older
Than me

Playing dress up with me

Like it wasn't weird that you were 23 years my senior
And I was barely 17
Because it was a trip
A drug
A dream
And when you told me that I should be happy

I was
For brief moments between the frightening faces
And the walls caving in on me

You flooded me like a dream
And when I woke up months later
It was the trip that never happened
And forever changed me

The thing I don't talk about
But it finds me

When I'm walking down the street
And an older man
With all the sophistication and worldliness of his years
Stares at me
With the same sly smile that you wore

And my stomach drops
With the strange feeling of
I must know you from somewhere

Did you ever take a trip with me?

Lyrics and Stuff

I've always had a profound respect for people who can give voices to the elephants in the room, if you will. The things we all think about, but never really talk about. When someone is bold enough to go down that road and name it, speak of it, I'm always left feelings connected to people again. We're all in it together. It's a good feeling.

I was listening to this song with my brother this weekend while on a skiing trip. I decided to share, this song speaks to me, encourages me to speak and be bold, and not feel ashamed of having... natural thoughts.

I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you
When you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,
All along I thought
I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die, die
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Learning How to Die
Jon Foreman

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Dressing Differently

It was kindness with a rosy complexion
Love in a button up blue dress
With a humble sash tied gently at the hips
Passion wore red heels
And lovely decided to wear curls

It seemed appropriate

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Day to Day Thing

The memories rushed in like a tidal wave

Four days ago didn't seem so different from five years

Fifteen years old and I swore that I would wear black for the rest of my life
Not in a statement
But in a declaration that in mourning
I would never find another for me

He was perfect to a 14 year old girl
And his laughed lived in my brain
Bouncing from side to side
As the days
Rolled on
Never ending and never forgiving

Grief is a burden of this world
And it never gets easier

We live with the burns
And we soothe them with love
It's a day to day thing

Friday, March 5, 2010

Life and Death

Like the back of my hand

You'll think about him

And after time...
Much time
And many moments
When the tears settle in the back of the throat
And joke the life out of you
As if Life has not been lost enough times...

You'll forget to remember him
For one day you will forget to remember

And guilt will set in
Eating you alive
As if you just killed him all over again

And forgotten...
Forgot to remember
Forgot to love
To keep him alive in your heart and mind

And it settles in
He's dead

Like the back of my hand
I know it well

Life and death
And all the moments in between

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Punch Lines

I remember
Like a burning
And a small reflection

A love
If anything
It was a love

It burned
It soothed
Moving slowly
And all around me

Your face was that of brilliant colors
And vibrant things
Laughing like everything in life were a joke
And you merely existed to catch the punch lines