Walking down those white halls
Everything blended so perfectly
Only slightly more narrow at the end
There was familiarity in the air
But she remembered clearly being fourteen
And thinking
They put those walls there just for her
So she would not go crazy
That was the only explanation for why she was there
She must have
Been
Crazy
But those walls were not there for any reason anymore
Except to remind her
That she was never going to be anywhere else
But there

Things never really got easier
Her hands shook violently as she opened the door
And she wiped the nervous smile off of her face
Because this man was trained to see through her
So it was just better that way

Sitting in the same chair
She wondered again why she was there
As she proclaimed
"Are you going to try to talk to me again?
I could make your job easier and pay you
To sit, just sit."
He just sat there calming
Pulling together his notes from all the other sessions
Dating back to that first frightening encounter will the white walls
At age 14

He sat for so long
That she thought he wasn't going to speak
Just in time for him to say
"This isn't about me. What happened to you?"
That nervous smile popped right back onto her face
And she replied "They took my body, but they won't ever take me."

The anthem of her painful living days sat in that one statement
It defined her for so long
That she was no more than a dirty body
And an ice heart
They took her body so many times
That she only wanted her soul to stay unstained
The way she dreamed that she would be
In her entirety
... so young
So naive

As painful as it was
She grew up eventually
Still feeling the pains of her many yesterdays
But knowing oh so calmly
That she would never be complete on earth

Still unloved
And still fighting the memories
She went so long
And now again
She realizes
Why she needed a heart of stone
Because the vultures take what you give them
Everything

Take my body
But don't ever touch me


The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. She tattooed it onto her skin with pen so many times that it rang like church bells in the back of her brain. She was just hoping that one day she could say it out loud, maybe say what she meant for the first time without wondering... when are they all going to leave me?

My bags are packed and sitting by the door.

Take that pretty head out of the sky
Come back to earth
Look me in the eye

Are things really as good as they seem?
Or once again are you lying to me
Living in a dream
That you desperately want to call reality

Be here with me

Talk about things as if you needed not save face
Say all the things
That you've been fearing all these years
We've been away

If you want to hide the truth
Hide your body
Because it's running down your sleeves
Come back to me

Don't say that God will take care of it
Because I know for sure that you don't believe that
Stop telling me that you're taking it a day at a time
This has all become more than a lie
This is you're life

And this is me
Offering a hand
Watching you sink

Born into the woods of desperation
Fallen out of the nest to learn to fly
With clipped wings

Again to ponder love saving us
For one another

Two lovely looking sets
Of clipped wings

Learn to fly
So I can fly with you
But even if I take flight
Into the tops of the trees
Marked with desperation
Exhaling hope
It does no good
I can not carry your weight with me

Breathing life into my childhood dreams
I see more than me

Unclasp your wings
Fly with me
And we won't ever have to touch the ground again
We'll float off into our dreams
Unspoiled by the way things are
Instead lived out the way they were meant to be

But I can't wait for you to use your wings
I fly
Wherever the wind takes me

Time is running out
I'm gone
But I shed a tear for the memories
Knowing that all that's left to gain
Is everything

Come with me

Move away from the ledge
I am tired of your games

And it's not fair
That even if you don't care
I have to

But you're the only salvation
For this desperate situation
And I'm tired of casually talking
In the middle of this burning building

I have to get out now
But I'm glued to the floor

And you just keep telling me
To stop talking about the burning building
And just make some light conversation...

So I will talk about the weather
While my tears try to put out the fire
That has now reached my feet
And you will answer just as calmly

Can't you see?
Your denial takes a toll on me

And I can't save you
You don't want to save yourself
But as pathetic as it is
I'll burn in this building
Because most days I would rather go down with you
Than spend a day without

You brought me back from the dead
You gave me life
And you gave me everything I needed
To go down in these flames
Were you preparing me for this day?

Floating on at least half the clouds in the sky
Or from what can be detected by a human eye

Flirting with the wind
Chasing the rays of the sun
Reach down
Touching with a firm hand
The deepest parts
Of a human

Asking with all sincerity
"Who are you?
Not just today
But in everything.
Who are you?"

And a person
Or speaking for myself
I
Might quote all the things I do
All the things I have done
All the things I hope to be...

But all the while I mask the fact
That I can not be sure
If any of that is really me

So, I have but one reply
And I can not speak for everyone
I can not even be sure if I am right

But I said to the sky
"I am human
I am a women
And I wish to be a servant
I am humbled by the world around me
And foolishly prideful
About gifts that only God has given me
I am a stranger in a foreign land
I am a skeptic
And I don't trust man
I am human
I am trying
And by the grace of God
I have started to see what it means to be loving
I am always learning"

The voice in the sky never replied
The wind never told me if I was right
The rays of the sun never painted answers
On my scorching body

But I pray it is enough
That I am learning

And as always
When I am not enough
God's grace covers me

Get your sex out of my bed
The infectious life sucking sex
You disgust me

I cleaned those sheets for day
Then I threw them away
And finally
I took them outside
Poured enough lighter fluid on them
To blow up a small town
And I torched those suckers

Sex is the disease
That flowed out of them
And onto me
Onto my sheets
And into my dreams
... or nightmares

Sex, get away from me

You're slippery under my feet
Making sure that I always slip
Whenever I'm not looking

That's just who you are
A tricky little mind game

I don't need you
And I wish I didn't want you
But until you become somethings
That doesn't always destroy everything

It's best that you just leave me be

Tonight
I stand
In awe
Of God
Of the second chance that is my life

The world swirls around me
Sometimes an infinite evil
That is too much for my weary heart to stand

But abandonment
Is not a claim of mine
God did not abandon me in this life

I stand
Humbled
By the grace that has been bestowed upon me
And never in my life have I been less deserving

The time I have is too short
To give God all of me
Enough to believe that I ever deserved to be set free
So I will just rest
With the gift He has given me

Jesus,
Let me be used for Your glory
May Your light forever shine through me
Make everyday a new chance for my life
To give You glory

Today my burdens roll away
To the foot of the cross

Today, the first new day I've seen in weeks
The first time that I am outside my wheel of thoughts
Seeing that life
Is bigger than me

Back to the way I'm supposed to be
Lightly floating
But close enough to call this earth
My temporary home

This is not the first or last mistake to be made
I needed to find out who I was from everyone around
When God was offering me a look through a real set of eyes
For another first time

See, this is just my pride
Thinking that mortal thoughts are the final say so in my life
This is just my pride

If I say everything out loud
Will it destroy me?
Or set me free?

Will you ever live up to your word
And love me for me
Or do I always have to wonder
If I can say something
That will run you away
For good

Where is mercy
Where is unconditional love
Did I warp them in my own head?
Allowing myself to think that they don't exist
And people are only able to love me
When I'm happy

Does it really exist
And my fear of being really loved for me
Allows me to keep
Everything to myself

Your pain hurts me
The face stays with me
Chasing me into wanting to understand everything
Wanting to see you again
Just to tell you
That God is holding you

I want to tell you
To get his hands off of you
You're not as numb as you think
You feel the way that his hands chase you
Right into his fantasy

I know you always feel him near you
His eyes watch you like the next meal
You feel
Trust me, you feel

Time warped dreams
Going back
Talking to me

The past 6 days, what a classic example of my need to overcompensate for how sad I am. Keep busy, stay longer, talk more, and maybe I won't be lonely anymore. I don't trust the way I feel, and I loathe my negative emotions. How irrational? So then I get to loathe myself for feeling. What a viscous cycle?

I still have a hard time telling God that I get sad. I hesitate to tell Him how angry I am that I let myself get used... again. I talk a lot of crap for someone who doesn't do anything. "It's all in my head. It's all in my head." I'll keep saying it. Never doubt the power of denial. For six days we've been realizing why we used to be best friends. Rekindling a relationship... nothing wrong with it?

Oh but best of all, don't forget the lies. Oh the lies I tell to protect the things I won't. I didn't come this far to let you get to know me... just because you asked.

I remember

The way you made me feel
When you were not around
How you controlled my actions
When you were no where to be found

I allowed every look
To pierce my soul
Throwing me to the ground
Begging for air
Crawling... on the floor

I gave you more power in my own head
Than you ever took from my body
I hated you enough to make you the center of my life
An all consuming gravity

I dragged on that journey
I hated everyone
For what you did to me
I was so self absorbed
That you melted right into me



It was the most painful process of my life
But it was the best thing I ever did for myself
Facing you
My favorite demon to hate
And then realizing you were not enough
To keep me living

I had to seek peace

In the Almighty
Everlasting
The only One who could ever reach straight through me
And know my soul
The only One who never let go
Never hurt me
Never deserted me
He didn't leave me for the prom queen

He simple loved me
And taught me to breathe
Whether that be standing
Or once again crawling
On the floor

I traded in my idol
Mashed you to the floor
And God swept you up
And gave me more than I ever dared to hope for

DO NOT TOUCH ME
I said it before
But apparently not loud enough

And when words fail
As they always did
I will fight
Drawing as much blood as I possibly can
With these fists and fingernails
Hoping that this time I leave you
Nothing but a shell

See I did not understand
Your foul manipulation
Your selfish antics
Rude remarks

If only I had seen things
For what they really are
I would have mustered up all the courage
That everyone women must possess
And put you to rest

And even though I know
Nothing will change
I could have helped pave the way
For those who come after me
They should not sit at home
Wondering if it is happening to someone else

Because I do

Blink three times
Snap my fingers twice
And look at you once
Then everything will be perfect
Is that not the way it works?

A quick fix
A superstitious trick
That what I need to perfect
Us

It gets dangerous
When I find myself saying
"If things were different"
I find myself wishing
I was not so afraid
If only I was willing to lay
Everything on the line

But last time I did that
I swore that it would indeed
Be the last time

What happens when two people are so incapable of love
So unable to take a chance
So self focused
But foolishly hopeful?

I guess they just live in disappointment

I spied on you today
The first time in months/exactly one year
First time in awhile
I beg the easy way out
Make you disappear off this planet
Waiting for me somewhere else
I'm not in love with you
But I will always love you
Begging each memory to grow more dem
Erasing the taste of every kiss

Lack of sleep makes it easy to cry
Easy to remember
The summer makes love seem stronger
The nights make being alone seem lonelier
You make me seem older
The pictures make everything alive
Again
When I thought I put you to rest

Easy to move on
But until then
Hard to not be lonely

Remember me
Without falling
See how simple it could be?

Step out of my dreams
Allowing me to paint a thousand pictures
With more vibrant colors
And better places to be

Hearts long
As minds think
Moving slowly
Trying to enjoy the little time they have left
Born on life support
Walking on egg shells

I wish I could have realized
Before I took out the trash

That I was going to need
To use you again

What a waste
I know I didn't want you
I know I threw you away
But come back now
Because I need to use you again

I wish I could reach out
Grab onto you with a grip
That intends on never letting go

And more than anything
I wish you felt the same about me

More than a dream

I am innately selfish
Self absorbed and foolish

Blessings flow from the buildings
Finding me
Wheeling
Around in every direction
Finding me
A small reflection
Of what I still do not deserve
And still take for granted

I ran from God for so long
And He didn't need me
But He sought to make me strong
Which foolishly
I already thought I was
Selfishly
I thought I could be anything
Without Him
But He brought me
Back
He chased me as I ran
And looked at me
As I continued to look at my own feet

How little I deserve these blessing
But how abundantly they still flow
Never ceasing to amaze me
Leaving me wishing that I knew more suffering
That I may know His peace even more
That I may be a disciple

Thinking small
Silent and contemplative
The quiet before a storm
Denying the existance of the chaos

Wishing I had loved the moments more
Hoping that there are more to come
But calm
Sitting in the quiet of life
Wishing I knew how to do more
More to love
More to work for
And just more

If I ever see those eyes again
I will burst into tears
And surely my life will fall apart

If desperation ever met despair
They would mate
Breed
And their offspring surely sits in those eyes

If the depravity of mankind ever came together
Nothing but pure evil
It gained all the energy it could muster
And thrust itself upon those eyes
Looking up
Trying to find a happy place
To escape

I WANT TO LOVE

Without the feeling of being wrong
Unwise
But to love
Really love
With no fear of rejection
Or bad choices
Or empty places where my love is thrown away

I WANT TO LOVE

Oh give me safe spaces
To plant my feet
And chasms running deep
To protect everything
That until now I've kept
For me

Break walls of stone
And lives of sand
Tear down
And rebuild
Teach me to love again

Let love sit
Water it
And make it grow
Into a new life
Little fingers and toes
Stretching out into an endless world
They have yet to understand
Or better put
We have all yet to understand

Makes rivers move
And mountains speak
Oceans knowing their place
Sacred we keep

Run into walls with the force of a thousand men
Tear into places we've never been
Pieces of my heart that I will never see
Until I learn to love
And let someone love me

I do not regret
Trying to stay away from the infamous linger
But thinking back
If I were to say that I miss anything
It would have to be
The way you looked at me

As If I were the first person you'd seen
And the last you ever wanted to
Brand new
In an open sky
Mind blowing

I want to love you for the rest of my life
Kind of way

The way we don't forget
And remember clearly
Even when I'm 80
And I can't even remember my own family
I will remember the way you looked at me
Shaking the earth from beneath me
Begging the sky to fall on top of us
Never questioning what it would bring

That's how I know
That there is eternity
Bonding on this earth
End not with death
Death is mearly a movement
Until we meet again
And that we hope to
That I hoped always for you

But what if my reason sets in
And I know that the last pure look
That you shot in my direction

Was the last I will ever see
From
Your blue eyes
Our clear skies

This was never taught to me
It's mearly instinctual to survive

At the end of the day
Sitting four seats away
From the only place
I ever wanted to be

Knee deep in all the things
I swore I would never be
Making absolutely no sense
Because I write my morals as I go
Whether for comfort or for show

These are the struggles inside me
To lean on all too convincing
Insecurities
Or take a risk that I can only wish
Is the last of it's kind
And do what I believe

See these are the things
So clear cut
Open ended
Never questioned
But now begging to be forgotten

And when my sins find me
What excuse will be given
I was too insecure to let go
I loved too much
And for the first time in a long time
I allowed love to be a good enough reason to stay
When I knew it wasn't
Like everything else
It would eventually go away

Today
I wish to leave it all behind

I can no longer long for you
Waiting no longer
I must find something new
You were too perfect to keep me whole
With too large a sense of humor to make me cry
And for that
I walk away
Because you were never real in the first place
Never tangible to my lips or my fingers
Stretching ever so lightly in the morning
Just hoping
To reach for yours one day
But I surrender my dream
Marking it as too far away

It must have been a few years ago
I loved to smoke alone
A solace representing
All the people I was around
And how alone I felt

But now I dread that balcony
Walking out alone
By myself for the first time in weeks
Secretly wondering
If I will have to face another demon
A different one
A new one that I don't completely understand

And then I wonder if he knows
That he was my favorite broken heart
He never did me wrong
Or at least not like the rest of them

And remove it from me
Because I may be
The only person on this planet
Who doesn't want to be in love
Never again

So why do I chase rainbows?
As if there is something at the end
Or maybe it's about the journey
To finding that I pick impossible quests
Like games
Like something to remind me why I love to pull down the rain
And stand like a final day
Where I was deciding again
Who I will serve today

I've walked this road a million and one times
It's familiarity stays the same
But it changes a little everyday

I guess that's the same way
You feel about me
You stay for the familiarity
Even though I'm nothing like
I was the day you met me

Let go
Just let go
There are more places to see
There are more people
Other than me

I feel this wasting away
You know
The way you know that you're going to move soon
So you stand
As still as you can
Trying to fight the hand
That you were dealt without permission

It's bittersweet
But it will get better
It always does
I'm learingn again
To let go of who I was
Yesterday or years ago
It's still the past
Which ever way you go
And love may come again
Or this may be the end
But I'm not the one writing
I didn't jot down history
I just know that God still holds me
Even if this is the end of our story

A weed in an endless breath taking garden
Of things not understood
Feeling different from everything around
Unable to see that it was choking itself
Choking out what it's blind eyes were unable to see
A life force
So strong it breathed
Through the leaves
And pedals of the most beautiful flowers
Ever seen
Mingling themselves into a world of color
Filled with energy
The kind that makes us breathe
When we exit the womb
And previous life sources are cut with a dull knife
Seeming like pain
That brings us into life
And can a weed turn into a beautiful flower?
No, it must be destroyed
And regrown
Into the same spirit
But shinning with a supernatural beauty
With that same energy
Always meant to be received
But weeds are unable to see
So in the own strength one can not open a blind eye
But must reject all natural things
And give up
Just in time to be grown anew
Into something more beautiful
More like You

There was a time
When all I would have wanted
Was to lay with you
Sharing my last cigarette
On the beach
Thinking that if we just believed
We could live like that forever
Never moving
Just breathing in
The colors that surrounded us
A mosaic of unnamed shades
Waiting for us to let go of ourselves
And fly away
Into a sea of all the love
We had been harboring our entire lives
Learning to live for the first time
Making love like it was the last time
Tattooing rings on our fingers
So we never had meaningless medal tying us down to the earth
But to drink in the mind numbing pain of loving someone so much
That it gets hard to breathe
And it gets hard to speak
Because words fail
So the feeling just has to lay over us
An invisible blanket keeping us together
For all times

I need to remember
Forget the compartments that I have everything
Tucked so neatly away in
And embrace the past as clearly as my future

I've spent enough time sitting with shrinks
To understand what happened
But the only thing I was left
Blinding grasping
Was why God chose me

There was a time when I would have traded my eternity
For God to chose the people I loved so deeply
But God chose me
So I watched them drown for long enough
To feel completely numb

But I must remember
That I can't save
Only God can

God, never let me forget them again
May their names stay in my prayers
And the voices stay in my head
May You grant them the same mercy
That You gave me
When I was and still am
So undeserving

My feet get cold first
Because they're the farthest from my heart
But my soul stays warm
Because as far as I know
It lives in my left ventricle
Before the blood is pumped
To the dull
Life needing parts
Of my body
So close to me

When the wind blows
It never feels cold
As long as I can find my way back to my soul

Where I house my family
Where God rules my domain
The place that I keep so near
Sitting in my bottom of my heart
Saturated in the very fluid that maintains to the life
Of a body born to fight

This soul knows too much
But sometimes too little to speak
So I write these words
For the very parts of me
That have no voice of their own

My humanity has caught up with me
Many times
And I've apologized again
But mother doesn't seem to know
That whatever sting staring at death may bring
She's always warm in my soul
Where I hear her sing

And time is precious these days
So why do I waste it
Saying
Nothing
As if someone could read my mind
Or possibly tell me what to think

So once again to my family, I'm sorry
That I don't tell you the things my soul breathes
And I used to get so angry
Feeling like you never really saw me
But you see as much as I let be
Set free into a tangible world
Where people can see

And so far only God has restored
What I broke
So many times
On accident
On purpose
With all intents of being able to fix it

But the older I grow
The more I know
That I don't control much
So, on the best day of my life
I let go

And God proved faithful
The voice of my soul
That has restored the lives I broke
The things I took
The words I never spoke

So this is the story of a soul
So warm in a world so cold
A family that never did know
All the ways I care
Until almost 10 days ago

My God is faithful

I've spent countless days
Getting to know myself
But He still knows my heart
Better than I ever will

Sometimes things just seem to happen
Life slips out of my hands
And for brief moments I have the sense
Of being completely out of control
But now I know there is Someone bigger than everything else

I never thought I would get here
I forever thought events would rule my life
I would never be acting
But always reacting to those moments
When things got too out of control

But flowers have become more beautiful to me now
Life has become more meaningful
And sometimes I forget to step back and realize
That I'm here
In the very place that I've longed for my entire life
But never knew how to find
Where to reach
What to say
And how to let go

But God knew my heart better all along
As if the entire time
Even when life was held in my hands
Ever controlled by my shaking clutching fingers
I wasn't ever in control
God was taking me by my shaking hand
Scared to death
And not knowing
That He knew where I could be
And whatever problems I had on this road
I can not deny that God believes in second chances
Because I'm living in one

God granted mercy for my sins
His love overwhelmed my hate
And I'm out of control
Because I only have one choice
To serve Him for the rest of my days

Bring me to the cross
Where my burdens roll away
Call me to Your feet
To stand another day
Cover me with You're love
So I want for nothing
Fill a heart that's always searched for something

You're my first monogamous relationship
And I've betrayed You time and again
But You're grace covers me with
Love that knows no end

So take my adulterous heart
And turn it into Yours
Take my wayward thoughts
And always mean to me more

In love, life, beauty, and mercy
May You're heart become more of what I see

In the world that surrounds
May Your protection surround me

And blessed assurance that You are mine
Grace and redemption of misconstrued time

I wake up morning by morning
As Your will should drive me
I take time to tell the story
Of how Your love found me

May the people see You
And Your love wash over our sins
To bring peace to a fallen people
Bringing hope that never ends

I see You everywhere
In everything
Reminding me constantly that I need You
I'm just human
Requiring love
And You're always here to give it to me
As if I ever deserved love or peace
But I've come to accept
That I don't have to
Because You've always been enough for me
It just took me awhile to realize

I know I've had my ups and downs
I know that I run
I turn and turn and I fall down
But through everything I've known
And all the places I've been
You were there all along
Calling me
Reminding me that no matter who gave up on me
No matter how many times I gave up on myself
You could see
Everything I was meant to be
And as little faith as I have
Just know that I believe
I believe more than I believe in anything I've seen
You're love captured me
And I'm not letting go
And now
I can accept now that You're not letting go of me

Protect my heart
And be the only one who breaks it
Protect my body
And be the only one who takes it

I keep asking myself
Why I don't hate you anymore
I keep wondering
If I'll miss the sore
I'm looking at the phone as if you know
That today brings new things
As the winter brings the snow

I keep praying
Praying for you
Because now your salvation
Means more than a heart made of glue

Today I'll cry knowing
I'll never see you again in this life
But I hope to see you in heaven
I pray that you'll be alright

I contemplated time
And how it never healed my wounds
I looked for love
But it never came from you

I held on because it was the only thing I could do
And when God asked for my heart
I told him that I'd already given it to you
Because holding kept me safe
It kept my secrets
Gave me space

But today I hold nothing
Except a hand that won't let go
And as much as it hurt
I need you to know
That even in the dark times
Somewhere in the depths of your soul
The Truth is waiting
For you to let go

Up and down the street
Walking walking
Hood up and cigarette lit
Contemplating why you won't love me
Wondering why the one before
Didn't seem to like me
I see
That you don't know me
But what I can't see
Is why you don't want too

Am I too rough around the edges?
Or can you already see through me?
And this nasty little cigarette
I know you would disagree
But I hid it from you
So I smoke still
Knowing that the problem is not in my lungs
It's my heart

I cried for forgiveness
And God heard my plea
But no eye has acknowledged me
My cry grows louder
Still occupying this earth
I'm looking for a place to fit in
But once again
I'm stuck in the middle
Redeemed
But not quite who people think I should be

Three feet under
Better than six
But I was really getting used to two
I could almost feel the air
There are times when life it too long
Only about 4 hours longer than too short
It's always a short balance we live in
And I'm finding virtue again
In strange places
In strangers faces
The things that I never see coming
Sometimes there is too much love to be honest
There is too much to risk to just come out
And speak as if I really claimed it
And there are babies that pick up the check
For the life choices of their parents
There are children that are too innocent to know
Just where life will take them
There are girls who walk into traps
Almost like they were asking for it
Because the perpatrators
Of course
Are in no way responsible for their actions
Consequences are the way we understand
But the world takes them away
As if they were here to harm
Because who would ever stop sleeping around
If a baby couldn't just be scraped out of their uterus

Don't we just love every second
Of every day
That we can stop paying
Except nothing mends the soul
The way that the body mends itself

And now children stop dancing
People stop loving
Hope fades every second of every day
And no cares enough

Except in small moments
That I wish to live in forever
Where the world fades away to almost nothing
As if I lived in a light
So magnificent that I forget
That sometimes my family can't see me
Sometimes I freeze and I forget to tell them
I'm here
Sometimes people hurt me
And I refuse to admit it
But moments
When it doesn't matter
Because I see people for all their beautiful faults
That make them
Human
And make God
Everything
These are the moments I beg to live in
Alive on earth
But in an illuminated view of what life is
And all it could be
Who people are
And all that they were intended to live for

All is bad
But all is good
And to see the balance where God is ever present
Is a gift

Things move slowly in small moments
Where patience is finding it’s way
Slowly
Very slowly
And things drive along as if knowing
That this were the moment
Before life turned again

I am learning
Yes, I am learning
But slowly
Very slowly
As if nothing ever were
But everything is about to be

And I was there
Yes, today
In the house
Where I grew to know my shame
And yet
I felt a slow sigh of relief
Knowing that shame has nothing on me

I woke up
Many mornings
And I wondered what the day would bring

And at night
For years
I tucked my secrets in beside me
Praying that no one uncover
The truth
Hidden so deeply
But surfacing slowly
So slowly
That I never noticed until the truth was seen

And I broke
But the building began again
More marvelous than anything I wished for
Veiled in meaningless parts of what I refused believe

Yet in this moment
Moving slowly
Remembering deeply
And wondering what kind of Love has found me
I see
Beautiful things
That reveal a glory
I was longing to see

It speaks to me.



Jennifer Knapp
Hold Me Now

From the glass alabaster she poured out the depth of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in your love
I can hear her say....

I'm weak
I'm poor
I'm broken, Lord
But I'm yours
Hold me now, hold me now

Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
To say my beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love
I can hear her say....

I'm weak
I'm poor
I'm broken, Lord
But I'm yours
Hold me now, hold me now

The darkness lays around me
A blanket of cold seduction
Desperate to own me
Slowly prying my feet from the floor
Begging me to run
As if that were a purpose
A calling
Intended by nature

If my soul were ever a light
It could burn through every cell of my body
Begging me to know
That blessings are not earned
But given
And I like all others
Am not unworthy

Yet self sabotage
Is a common enemy
What good is it to know
If I don't believe
That darkness holds no power over me

I'm barely existing today
As if my body occupies a different time
Another space
And I've managed to move one step forward
Just to turn around and walk 10 back

Disappointment floods me as if it were never ending
And every time it's getting harder to get off the ground
These legs are not standing
Because my mind fights
While I move farther away

I'm not sure anymore
But I have to believe
Because that's all I have left
If this is all that life will ever offer me
Than I will forever be alone and hopeless

So if no light shines at the end of my tunnel
And darkness floods my soul
With the feeling of being completely alone
I still have no choice but to believe
That He has better things for me
It's the only way I can survive

Once upon a time
(The only proper way to start a fairy tale)

There was a love
Larger than life
The love that only an eternal bond can create
Existing between two
And only two
Like a great secret
Kept of no selfish reason
But mearly because it could be felt
Like an earth quake
And natural disasters need no words
We just feel

And like any two lovers
They made the world so small beneath them
That it became the dirt they walked on
And the water they drank

Knowing that we bring something to the world
Good or bad or exceedingly beautiful
The love they made
Shaped the flowers
And the clouds
With the very substance of it's beauty
It's well kept secret
And strongest desire

That hearts began to mend
Mothers rekindled with children
And a love kept so separate
That of a lover or a mother
Holds so many common bonds
That we place a great deal of faith there
That for every unjust act
Somewhere people are holding hands
And love abounds greatly
A force we long to know

And that of the lovers
And that of the mothers
Is ours
Is Him
The good days
The friendly faces
The things that make life
Exceedingly beautiful

The tears seemed to cascade over the past
That I lied about
And the part that I continue to denie
As if anything could make it worse
Oh, but it could

And I told myself over and over again
That I only answer that phone
Because I got the short end of the stick
I answer because I don't
Have
Anyone
But maybe I don't have anyone
Because I continue to answer that phone

And it's time that I take part in what I can control
Because this is the only life I have
And I've been sitting it out for too long

I've believed in many things
And seen just as much
For all the things I talk about
There are just as many I keep to myself

But after all is said and done
I believe in Love

There are always left overs of what used to be
Remnants, that if nothing else float
Just swiftly enough
For us to feel them begging to be remembered

Sometimes they form a face
With his strong eyes
And her soft lips
Glistening over his predominant chin

A concoction of lovers
Never knowing
That love is made for beauty
Even if sprinkling itself onto offspring
The the form of a familiar face
That taunts us
Asking so nicely
If we could remember where it was made

And memories are stored in small fingers and toes
Small enough that they could very well
Disappear into a full grown hand
But the touch and the way that every curve was inherited
From another time or place
Is just the way that we are pulled to remember
And when we find truths
Hold on
Because they will get us through many a restless night

Teaching us to be rivers in life
Flowing from one place to the next
But always in the same river
Learning to bend with the land
But never forgetting that life itself taught us to live

I don't have much to give
And more times than not
I fear that I only love Him out of fear
I can't be sure if that is good enough a reason
But it's not for me
Because He used to be my best friend

Days on end
I wish that I could live
Simply
With few things to call my own
But the little bits of food I eat
Because maybe then I could see Glory for what it is
Instead of seeing but feet in front of me
And gambling constantly with my eternity

I have an alabaster box
But I have yet to know it's name
I pray and pray
That God show me
So today I could lay at His feet

But I have yet to see what I have to give
And I have yet to die a disciple
I have yet to breathe
Or think of God
Without a deep fear

That I'm doing it all backwards
Or upside down
And somehow I have more to give
So much more to give
That I can not even claim as my own
But I hold on to it
Til the day I account for my sins
And on that day what will I say?
For all the things I haven't seen
And all the things I don't know
This deep longing fear
That never lets go

It was a long road I took
Making my way to You
And even now it feels like it's only You and I
No matter the company around

Whispering softly
Reminding me how much much I need
You
And how little I need
Of everything else

And I pray that I don't forget
Praying that You're always near

And grant me a simple life
So nothing ever stands in our way
And put love in my heart
So I will always stay
Near to You

Many have cried for mercy on a sinner
And I was right there with them
Once again
I cry mercy
On me, a sinner

If there was ever a mistake to be made
I've made it twice
And then again

And if there were ever a reason
A person shouldn't be loved
I've given it over and over again

But if there ever a person who needed love
I've felt that void time and again

So, love me
And once again
Grant mercy and strength
To me a sinner
A sinner indeed

I want a real answer this time
Like we know who I am or where I'm coming from
I just can't shake it
You know?
Like it got out of control when I blinked
Twice in a row
So, now I'm still coming up with reasons
For why it has to end
Soon
I just can't take it much longer
Like I stepped out of myself into a new softer armor
And I'm getting the crap kicked out of me down here
Any advice?
Help maybe?
Or more unanswered prayers
More no shows
And no answers
Leaving me only to wonder
Why is everything so wrong?

I tore everything I owned into rags
Leaving nothing for myself
Until naked I used rag after rag
To wash away the last 6 days
But time remained
Stained
Like blood on my favorite sleeve
Of my favorite shirt

I laid in that bed again
Staring at a familiarly disgusting face
And I stared at it as the clock kept ticking in my ear
I watched his face morph
Turning into everything I hate
And the remorse that I haven't felt in so long
Rose like a Phoenix
And I stepped outside again
With no cigarette to comfort me
Or to burn in the middle of my hand
Just to feel anything

Just that one gut feeling
Knowing that I changed my life again
Not just like any little decisions
But I can't go back
And the very concrete substance of that statement
Scares the life out of me

Once again
Here I am
As if getting older or wiser never did anything for me
It just made me fall harder
It just made the cuts deeper
It just made my skin crawl to the floor
And sit with no intentions of returning to my body

And this broken down body
Has had enough
I can't take care of it anymore
But I'm left with no option of abandonment
Just little pieces of me
Laying on the floor
As I watch them
Roll farther
And farther away

I tried to be my mother for one moment
And look for someone to blame
But can I really blame anyone
For my self inflicted mistakes

And that night
The balcony looked so welcoming
Standing on the edge
Just daring my body to loose balance

I stand on the edge
A wind chime with no sense of melody
Just useless in the very intent of it's creation
Just wishing for something
To save it
But knowing that the wishes dissolve in the rain
So I'll take a drought
To keep hope from being wasted away

Save me
Take me to a better place
Or if nothing else a better day
A better night
A better face to lay beside
Someone that for once just cares

Because in the end I know
That that useless corps laying in my bed
Doesn't give a damn about me
As if I am just taken out with the trash
And recycled for someone else's use

And is it so bad
That I'm exhausted
I'm worn out
And all the forces work against me
And I'm too scared to cry for God to save me

So I drown again
And again

And I watch
As everyone else moves on
To better things
Better loves
Better lives
Anything that keeps them grounded to something
That I've wished for more of in this life

And self loathing was always my downfall
And the wisdom of a father
Warned me about my pride

So walk on by
Just walk on by

I'm ridiculously lame. I was making lunch today, listening to Celine Dion, and crying. I'm not upset. I just cry everytime I listen to Celine Dion. It's like a disease. Anyways, I was listening to this one song that I really liked. It's a remake, but everything is better when she sings it. I figured that I would post the lyrics, not because it's how I feel. It's just how I wish I feel.

Oh and here is a visual!







"Alone"
Celine Dion

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight,oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone


Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

I hate the way that you make it so hard to love you. As if my insufficiency is not screaming loud enough, you scream with it. It does not help that it's already so hard for me. I'm the only one left who doesn't have anyone. I was that girl. Don't you remember? I had it all. I had the personality and the looks and the confidence to be anything and everything that I wanted to be, and the world working the way it does I'm sitting in last place right now. So don't keep pushing me down. My face is already on the ground. It's just one more reason that nothing ever works. One more reason that I shouldn't try because you make sure that I always know just how bad I fail. Then we all wonder why I continue to go back. It's because everyday you remind me that I have nothing to move towards. Is it so bad to want to be loved? or to want forgiveness without your snide reminders being hurled my way as if the blows could just be walked off. I would leave. I would draw my lines and walk away, but the same way that you throw insults at me... that would be the final blow. Some days I just wish you could let me go.

I dreamt them
Lived them
And went straight back to the drawing board
To dream again

And I beg to dream again
I beg to hope again
If I thought than any of those others would make me whole
I was wrong
And I cry knowing I'll be wrong again

If another person standing by my side
Could ever give me more meaning in life
I would dream again
But I have little faith in the ability of another person
To make me any better

And mistakenly they may think
That I think I'm as best as I can be
But I mearly think
That all the other dreams
Have added more to my experience
But have yet to complete me

And I would be a fool to think
That anyone could make me complete

I waited for you tonight
Fearing that it may have been our last time
And if I heard it again
It could be the real last time
As if being forewarned ever made it hurt less

And I thought of scenarios
Almost the same ones I thought up for
Our unborn child
And none seemed right
Except what is now

I swear I would move all the way on
If there was something to go to
But I drift towards nothing
Only fearing that the best was left behind me

As if I now have
What people once called
The glory days

If grace ever ceased to exist
It would be today

I know because of the piece of my soul that burns. Knowing all chances may have run out, but I still don't turn... around.

And the beating of my heart
As steady as a drum
Never failing
Never needing

But me, I need more. I need assurance that there is something better than me to live for. I need to know.

It's the way that I sing when no one's home.
The way that I stare out the window when I'm alone.

Thinking that maybe I'll see a little hope. There could be places of which I don't know. Then I just turn around and tell myself that I need not look for a savior anymore.

There are times when I've chalked up my life
To be no more than unfortunate events
And I have now excepted that nothing will go right
But that does not change the way I fear
What's going to go wrong

If no one ever knew that fear was locked inside a child... and when fear had seemingly left because she had nothing left that she wanted to live for. However, under current events she wants to live forever, but realizing more and more that she's out of control.

There were things seeming farther away
And more near
As if constants lost their place in the world
As if dreams were meant to be buried
Under a breast plate
And taken out to war

The things I know. The things I fear. The things I wish I did not know, and the things I'm scared to hope for. If I fear for much longer I don't know what it will do to me.
So, if You are for me, than who can be against me?

You never used my name
Except in a dance with deception
That maybe I could ever think
You knew me

Other than that
I was a side effect of a midlife crisis
I was that girl
My name was easy catch
Blond with a bad attitude
And though I blamed myself
It was perpetuated by you

Yes, you
With your wondering hands
That followed your mind
Perfectly

And I can hear them now
I bet I was the best joke at poker night
As if I didn't know about your count down
To the day I was born
18 years ago

And there is nothing to talk about now
And not too much for thought
But If I've never made up my mind before
I have now

Maybe we shouldn't swear
So I guess I'll just make a promise
If you ever put your hands on me again
I will break them off

I'm delusional in the morning
And late at night
So considering the little time I sleep
I get about 10 hours of sound mind a day
Cutting my life almost in a third
Of what I could possibly know
And of those 10 hours a day
I spend at least five
Trying to tell myself that tomorrow
I'm going to be alright
And in between a walk and a song
I've found myself before
So after brushing my teeth in the morning
I sing a song
That only serves to remind me
How far gone I really am
So I walk for awhile
Wishing I could be in my own skin
Once again
And see
Everything
And if wrecklessness manifested once in me
As a sense of being carefree
Than I'm almost willing to do it again
Because the only choices I perceive are
A fear free life of hopeless abandon
Or an aware life of endless terror
And neither appeal to me anymore
... but I don't want to die

Sometimes it hurts too much to talk
And other times too little to let it go
This feeling is abandon
And I'm not sure if I feel it strong enough
If I'm numb
Or if nothing is as bad as it was
I don't want to loose everything
But if I need it to realize that God is all I have in this life
Than take it all
Because we are born too quickly
And die too soon
And I'm not sure if I knew where I'm at
Or where I'm going

There is a feeling of betrayal
Standing five feet seven inches off the wooden floor
Reaching for the ceiling fan
And this feelings runs from the superior part of the skull
To the clauses on the bottom of the feet
And it consumes every organ
Flowing with the blood in every region
Heating things up to a boil

And in the mind of a sober semiconscious individual
This is a destructive feeling
But there is a time to love and there is a time to hate
There is a time for everything
And this is seeping into every breathe
Escaping into the world around us

And any normal person may wonder
"How can anyone feel that deeply?"
Well, it's a long process
Trust
Me

It started the day I was born
And still has no visible end in sight
And these feelings went from
Admiration to awareness to disappointment
To distance to betrayal to condescension
To disgust
And now the love is more than I can bear
But the betrayal has cast a shadow
And my logical mind can not even write it off
I destine reasons

Reasons for this
There are a number of events
Right on the tip of the tongue
There is meaning
Rings
Submission
Lack of care
And the ultimate lack of respect

But does this constitute the severing of ties
That people have fought
Blood
Sweat
And Tears
To protect
And who is to say
Does a person ever really have rights
And where do they end in respect to everyone else

They transcend the boundaries of skin
And reach into a quality of life
That we all publicly or secretly want
And in that pursuit
With the purest or most evil of intentions

The feeling of hate is not familiar
Not in this lifetime
But if I were ever to name it
I could almost say that it is here
Sitting next to me
Like a new friend springing up from an old problem
And accepting that we can only change ourselves
We have no ability or right to impose change on another
And we can only know
When someone has destroyed our thoughts and emotions
To the point of discontinuing the relationships
Despite people involved

And now a person must make a choice
And this choice must be followed
Until further notice
Or reasonable change on the part of the other person
And this choice is to listen to the shadow for the first time
And realize that this has all taken a heart
Torn it apart
And it is time for things to be mended
Alone

You met me at the well
And You knew when I grabbed the hem of your garment
You put down Your stone

You met me at the well again
And never once did condemnation cross Your face
No matter how little I deserved
You gave me everything

But last time I did not go back to the well
Because the well had seen too many of my tears
And I did not deserve to touch anything on Your body
Shame from the inside out took away a gift that you so desperately wanted to give me

And still today tears never run dry in my eyes
Because there has never been gratitude felt the way that it runs through my bones
The way that I’ve found myself face down on the ground
Because there was no where in the world for a sinner to stand

The way that You took my hand and helped me up
How You loved me when I refused to love myself
And time after time I ran into a brick wall and You refused to throw a stone

It’s the humiliation that only we knew
To know I was nothing better than a prostitute who never got paid
It’s the way that You looked in my eyes
And for the first time since as far back as I can remember
Someone really looked at me

Just me

Knowing every sin I carried
Knowing the fear in my heart
And the hatred in my soul

And You never looked at me any differently
As if I were clean

I wrote all over my body
All the things that were stolen from my mouth
By fear

I wore at least three shirts
To make sure that no one could read my thoughts
But I knew they were there

And all the fear of what was once perceived of me
Tied me down and clothed me with endless shame
Severing the very cord that connects my brain to my mouth
So all I did was think
And remain as quiet as possible

I was hiding in the shadows
Of the greatness that once filled my dreams
A silhouette of faces meant for me

To know all the things and all the places I could reach
But sitting inside the mind of a baby
As if destruction itself had not taken enough from me

And the words of everyone who ever repressed my thoughts
Ran through my head
On the endless wheels of time
And I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do
There were no choices I perceived

And living a life that was not half bad
But stuck inside thoughts that were destroying the very life force of me
Is never where I dreamt I would end up

This is all just mellow drama
Occupying my thoughts in strange brief moments
When I don't know if I should understand it more often
Or if those moments as just accidents

Were we ever meant to know or understand
Or talk about things when it really does no good
Maybe this is just a rant
Or a frequent verbal accident

There's beauty in the telling baby
So tell me what you know
For only the things we truly know
Can we speak of in any measure of sincerity

Speak to me
As if it were the last day anyone knew you existed
And there was something you learned along the way
That we needed to know

Tell me what more lies behind your eyes
It can't just be blue and white
Tell me what you fear
Tell me what you love

Show me where your heart is going
And let me see it too
Show me where your mind wonders
So I can know you

Because we own these stories
And of all I know
I know
There are people out there with just as much or more to share
And I want to feel the
Beauty
In
The
Telling

Those lost moments
When something more lies behind
The sky, wind,... and rain
As if a mystical element was added to it all
And I missed it

As if God were more real right now than ever before in my eyes
But I'm father away than the last time I swore it wouldn't happen again
And I reach for Him
But the wind flows through my fingers
The rain drenches my body
And the sky is just beyond my reach
Everything effects the outside of me
But my soul is longing to feel something

As if I've fed my body in hopes that my soul would be satisfied
I clothed my skin
So my heart would not feel so exposed all the time
I've changed everything in hope that nothing would stay the same
And I've ran as fast as I could
Trying to get my life moving

And in it all I know there is a connection between the body and soul
Somehow God seems to be orchestrating it all
But I've lost the connection
And in it all
I've lost a piece of me

Not the sarcasm
The wit
The crazy clothes
And obscene amounts of green tea

Something in the core of my purpose on earth
Is hidden from me
And I've asked God time and time again
But I'm still searching

I still curse Eve for making life so hard for me
Because if He was walking beside me
My soul would be much easier to see

You painted my face
And dressed me up like a doll
Whatever kind you liked

You called me when you wanted
And like a good little girl I answered
You pulled on my strings
And like a marionette of this kind
My movements replied

You made me think I was free
By putting a window in my room
But seeing is not the same as being
And smelling is not the same as tasting

You tore off my legs
And I believed you when you said I could walk
You were all of my intentions
But somehow I believed that I did
Whatever
I
Wanted

You broke my heart
And convinced me that I was stronger
Not bitter

But you were not the only one who knew my ways
Like the twisted doll maker

I was fixed up once upon a tattered dress
I was painted again
Right after you erased my face
The strings were stolen right after you tied me up

And now I'm real

Now I don't need you to tell me what to believe

I see with real eyes
And blood runs through the veins of what you once dehumanized
Like life breathed into a corpse

Hope was pumped into my empty lungs
With a sweet sense of not needing to control anything
Just letting a person be really living

I may be honest
But just for this one moment
Then I shall return to deception

I never spoke it
And loaded the very moment I thought it
But I can not say on any level
That I never dreamt of our skin laying next to each other
An old fashioned mosaic frozen in time
An emblem of love
Where there was none

Professed

I traded my heart for morals
And never regretted it
Till four moments ago
(Yes I am counting)
I realized that my moral character
Was of no higher a stature for forsaking my heart
Yet I found immorality in more places
Where my heart was not involved
Just this body
So, maybe that was the morality of which I spoke
Not the sanction of my body
But the sacred walls of my heart

The brief moments
The feelings that we may only know once in a lifetime
Living in my dreams more vivid than anything I ever lived
As if to break the mundane repetition of life
Along with my heart
And those dreams
Little bits of hope
That we only hope to find
Keep me going

And this mosaic of our bodies together in immortality
Is hanging on the walls of my soul
Along with all my other forbidden longings
And they have yet to manifest
Only in lies and secret dreams
Accidental appearances
And a need that drags my heart along
Only to break it again
And watch as I go back for more

I walked around
Hardly breathing
The only form of relief
Was my heart still beating
I looked into the eyes of temporary comfort
My heart broke
And the last beat was wasted in his direction

All I could do was wonder what would have happened
Had I never left?
Surely I would have been destroyed
Or would I?
And I won't talk about it
I won't smile or frown
I am socially unable to feel anything
Just the way it needs to be right now
And I resent anyone who would tell me differently
Don't treat me
As if I were flushed of morality
Because I feel like everyone else
And don't tell me to be happy
Because loneliness will not be cured
With an empty building

I made a profound discovery
To be shallow is not to be simple
If the joy I currently draw out of life
I not more than
Cleaning my kitchen
Or writing a check for rent
Than this moment
I perfect

I don't need fine things
I don't need any friendly voices today
I need my own thoughts
In my own kitchen
With my own silent prayers
And my own artsy music
I need time to flow as a human being
Not a stream

So, in this fleeting moment of clarity
I only believe one thing
These thoughts, actions, or consequences
All belong to me
And I currently answer to no one on this earth

For the love of all that is good in this world
Let me have this moment of quiet peace

I went back again and again
To any random place that might be holding
The misconstrued pieces of me
The wind to the north blew so much stronger this time
I had to follow it just to find
That when given the chance I always
Kept
Backing
Down
And no one pull me up
They just kept
Pushing down
Until dirt became so much a part of me
That no one could see the difference
And then I walked around
Equally defeated

And in the poetic excuses for a real word
I stopped being able to speak
And in the written honesty of all the things I didn't say
I censored out the very meaning

As if
No
One
Knew

That that wasn't me
But an imitation of what I wanted everyone to believe
Once again
I underestimated their ability to see

So, in all the searching
And all the pondering thoughts
Sitting at the bottom of bottles of whiskey
I never realized it was me
In the mirror all the time
And the way I sidestepped a glance
And all the people who knew me
Never realized
That's not what I was supposed to be
Chipping away at the complacency
That begs
And begs
For freedom

The way I did in my teens
At the last layer
The last speck of anything before muscle and bone
There is a thin layer
Of something that resembles me

A mountain of freedom
Covered in a few insecurities
And at the heart of it all
A great capacity
To love

This heart knows it would be better for knowing you
But where do I start looking
And what will I find
The days are long
And the nights so short
That I often miss them
And right now
It seems that all worth dying for is dead
And purpose fades into the wind
With every bittersweet breeze that flows
From a backward direction
As if it wished I were with it again

And moments ago I missed the heart ache
The way I despise this numb complacency
This lack of needing more
But that very moment
Was only 5 minutes short of my panic attack
Because I never wanted to go back
I've been floating in this spot for awhile now
And I need something to come along and pull me
Because I never even realized
I'm in the same place
And with much stillness comes much thought
That has been thought before
And to rethink is to over think
As if I needed it

I just want to know who you are
And I just want to know if I can chase you to death
Because if not I will rot here
I just want to die of a burning heart
And I want my last moment to be overwhelmed with love
Maybe I am overwhelmed with love right now
With no one to give it to

This could have been a slow progression
Or maybe it occurred today
But I thought it would never happen
And the farther away I drift the more I think
That I might not have wanted to move on
Or at least as much as I let everyone think

That was my secret
And no matter who knew
No one knew how I felt
And no matter how much this book opened
No one could read between the lines

But today I realized that it has not crossed my mind
The days
The hours
The unspoken words
Have blurred the memory into almost nothing
Leaving behind the ashes of lessons learned
From the fired that consumed my life at one point

I don't long for that voice
Or that touch
Or that deep feeling of regret and longing
I simply am
With the deepest awareness of what has gone wrong
And everything that could go right

A sense of calm reverence
And a slight touch of hope
That means I have finally felt my life
And learned to accept it
For all the good
And all the bad

Noticing everything
Holding on so tightly
That not a moment
Or a breath
Can possibly slip past me
And If I take it all in
Do I die with no regrets
Or even become immortal
With my mark on everything I saw
Just controlling enough
To fear what they will say at my funeral
Just deceptive enough
To wonder what lies will come undone
Over casket gossip
And who will ever know the truth
If I'm not there to orchestrate the distance
And I've overestimated my importance
Embracing fears as I run through life
Like they are charms on my bracelet
And I can hardly hold my arm up anymore
Just promise me that it's true
Let me know I won't just disappear
That there's somewhere else for me to go
That people in heaven will talk to me
That someone will hold me
And I won't cry like I do here
I just need reassurance
Or insurance
I just need to know
But the only thing I do know
Is that only death will give me any answers
So I will just have to wonder until then

I pray that the Lord take me into His arms one day. I pray that I never miss a moment. I pray that I don't have to be enough, because that's the only thing I can't seem to be.

The feeling of deep sorrow
Contemplating regret
The feelings that I fear
And only in the middle of a storm of desperation
Will I even admit
That these thoughts sit just outside my conscious
Begging to be noticed
And for all self professed strength
All the times I spoke of opposing things
They still refuse to leave
While I refuse to let them stay
And come to life
As in
My desperation for his love
My refusal in standing alone this time
A fear of failure
A fear of success
Of life
A phone call in the night
A voice that awakens memories so sweet to me
And then a shot of whisky to wash down the after taste of a bad dream
It's the way I see the world in the morning
And how it appears at night
How fragile my mind is
And how scared I really am of knowing my own darkness
In pretending to stay sane
A facade of contentment
A wave of confidence that I try to grab onto
Until it is gone again

It was the last place I wanted to be, inside my own mind. It was the last thought I ever wanted to think, that maybe I just was not good enough. So, after 3 hash brownies and 3 beers I became more aware. I don't know where to go from here.

I pray the future doesn't lie in retrospect
Lightened by mistakes
There should be a clear way
Back
Into the graces of protectors
To love
In spite of the incessant need you have to be needed
Just let me love
Speaking should be easy
At least to you
The first I ever spoke to
But words solidify in my mouth
Along with the tears in my eyes
They go hand in hand
And I'm still too weak
To let you see me cry

I gave you time
And to thank me you took mine
Oh, you never learn
Love me once
But never again
Because over on this side of town
We don't play that game anymore

We choose the high road, baby
We wave and walk by, baby
So regret if you like
Learn if you want
But baby, it's not my concern
Because I was wrong once
But it doesn't take me two falls
To learn to watch my step

I feel like I have so many things to say. I first thought to put them into a poem, and then I thought about keeping them to myself. Now, I feel like I just need to talk it out, even if I'm actually just typing it to a computer screen because I'm just that cool.

Well, confusion has set in and made a home for itself in my heart. I know that God is not the author of confusion, so in other words I know this isn't from God.

My first confusing issue is when is it time to give up on someone. That sounds like a terrible thing, but we do it all the time. I'm so adamant about having boundaries in relationships. However, I've found that sometimes my heart gets in the way of my brain and things don't go how I planned. For instance, I feel like I can see through people relatively well. So, even if someone is a complete jerk I can still see a good heart. Now the problem arises when I don't know whether to leave because that person's a jerk or stay because they have a good heart. I've always believed through all my experiences that we all have things to learn from people. I've learned something from everyone who's ever been in my life. Some of the experiences were bad, and other were very good but I learned something either way. So, what do I do when it's a bad and good situation. Do I leave because it's bad and accept that I've learned all I can from this person, or do I stay because I truly see great potential and things that I still feel like I need to share with them. And who knows? Maybe I've already shared everything I can and I just need to step aside and realize that I can share, but I can't make anyone take it to heart.

It's just so complex. I just know that there are some people in my life who need to change or leave, because it's slowly turning into a bad situation and it's just not good for my heart. I just feel like some people still need me, whether it's my advice, or because I can show them love, or just to crash on my couch. However, I've recently discovered that maybe the reason I stay through so much with people is because I need to be needed more so than they actually need me. This is a hard one for me to swallow. I know that at the end of the day everyone does what they want, but I also know that every now and again a callused heart with open up and if I can just catch that window I could really help someone realize how great they were intended to be. I just don't really know what to do.

So, if anyone has any advice... feel free to share.

So, in the midst of my crazy life I had a slight moment of inspiration today on none other than the streets of Atlanta... so here's my inspiration.

I found a home today
At the end of Broad St
Between the two tallest buildings
In the middle of a breeze
Underneath the smell of the streets
And an ear shot away from "You're beautiful baby"

With my hair pulled back
One strap of my shirt slipping down my shoulder
And my pants riding on the low side of my hips

For a long time now
As in several months
I've often found myself
Wanting a home of my own
Because childhood homes have grown stale
And my renting residence coincides with suburbia
A little too much for my taste

But all summer I stepped off the bus
At Peach Tree and Lucky
Just in sight of my favorite little building
And without even knowing it I made a home
Just for me
In the middle of an Atlantian breeze
And smack dab on the street
And wherever that street will take me

So, today I was on a bus. Yes, my summer friend (the bus) and we got reacquainted for a little over an hour. Generally my ipod is my time-passer of choice, but today I went the book route. For about a week now I've been reading Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. I originally chose this book from a list assigned for extra credit in Abnormal Psychology. I looked through several options and my general curiosity to understand problems that occupy the world I live in... won out. So, I began to read a personal account of a renown journalist and her alcoholism. My first thought on the book was that it would be interesting, but nothing that hits to close to home since I myself and none of my immediate family are alcoholics. However, as I was sitting on the bus ending the last fourth of the book I realized that addicts share many trates and all of a sudden a general interest in a school assignment hit home, very close to home.

Caroline spoke of her upper/middle class family. She spoke of being the daughter of a Freudian Analyst and an artist who were always "appropriate", secretive, and collected. She did not come from a family of alcoholics, she was not beaten or molested. She came from what looked like a perfectly fine family, and she often wondered why she turned out to be an alcoholics because she could never exactly point out what caused it. I often felt the same way. It's like being stuck in a gray area and I just wanted to go to the doctor and them tell me I was ill and send me away with a fix. However, addiction is not like that, and I, being the daughter of a pastor, felt that I had no excuse to be caught in the life I lived.

It's just a life stuck in gray areas and places that can't be defined or understood by people who have never lived them. I began to read more and she mentioned being at AA meetings and how addictions travel in pacts, rarely ever do people just have one. Many of her friends in her meetings (predominantly women) struggled with eating disorders. This passage took me back to many memories that are several years old. As I read about the habitual things people did who struggled with eating disorders I remembered every time that I did the exact same thing. I remember going running because I felt that I needed to punish myself for being hungry. I remembered that after I had not eaten more than 200 calories a day for weeks I ate a half of a cake in one night and I was in so much pain that I thought I was dying. I vividly remember walking into the living room and beginning to cry as I walked towards my mother. Through my sobs I got out "I didn't mean to eat that" to which my mother replied "No one made you do it" and I took some napkins, walked out into the woods, and rid myself of the cake. That was my first addiction.

I read more as she recounted all of her sexual experiences that she couldn't get out of so she drown them in alcohol. She described them as "surreal" as if she was never even there. This brought me back to the present. The very thing that "no one understands" in another persons words. I read my own thoughts in another persons autobiography. Then my mind began to run a thousand miles a minute.

I've compartmentalized my life and forgotten how much my addictions are effecting my current life. I used to be addicted to morphine. I used to do drugs. I used to drink too much. I used to mess around with boys at parties just in time to disappear. I used to do all that stuff. It's been a long time since that stuff, in fact it's been so long that I've convinced myself that that wasn't me. For the millionth time in my life I overestimated my own strength just in time to face plant into the ground. So, now where does this put me?

Well, my life has been great. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count. I got sober, and started devoted my attention to learning how to developer healthy relationships. However, this summer there was a slight set back. A certain event sent me into a slight whirlwind and I found myself in an all too familiar place. I found myself downing alcohol while I lay there praying it would end. I found myself smoking just enough weed that I couldn't recall anything. I found myself being the person I "used to be", except this time I don't know if it's because I'm older, because I've seen more, been through more, or because I found a sense of morality, but there is a voice deep in my soul that won't leave me alone and all it ever says is Catie suck up your pride and leave it alone. Run because you might not make it back again.

I decided to give this all a little more thought than normal because the issue faced me head on the other day. I found myself spilling a little more than may have been necessary to a good friend. It wasn't really the conversation that made me question my lifestyle as much as my reaction to the conversation. He told me that it's going to be alright, and all I thought was apparently you didn't hear me. Then the conversation progressed and I found myself staring at the ground with a thousand things running through my head and I'm not sure if I've ever felt that misunderstood in my entire life. It was not anything he said. It was a feeling of not really understanding it myself, and knowing that no one else really could either. There I was in the same place I "used to be." In a moment of desperation when I knew that I had to do something. I couldn't go back. I couldn't half way do this. It's time to commit to change. Right before I left my friend suggested that I write down things that I need to change and ways to accomplish this. So, I began my walk home. I was walking in the dark thinking of all the things I needed to do and everything seemed so gray and unsure. I was desperate for something concrete. I was desperate for a sign(which I generally don't even believe in). So, I started to think about the reasons I changed last time, and I remembered a story. It related very closely to the "surreal" experience that Caroline so perfectly described.

It was the second week of college and I got a call from a friend who wanted to go to a bar and play trivia. I went with all intentions of returning to my room at the end of the night. It turned out that I couldn't leave. I was taken back to the friends house and it didn't take me long to realize that he never had any intentions of taking me back, and I was stuck. So, as we entered his apartment he made me a large glass of coke and rum (10% coke and 90% rum) so as I realized my fate and fear began to run down my sleeves I downed the drink and followed him to his room.

That was it for me. I realized that I was gambling with the house, and it you play long enough the house always wins. So, as I was driven back to my dorm at 5:00am and dropped off I walked in utterly defeated. I'd played a game too long that I never had the business to play in the first place. So, as I walked down those dark streets recalling that moment. I started to feel the first sense of clarity that I've felt in awhile. I realized that the game only gets more dangerous. It doesn't really matter what I have been through or what has happened to me. I can't do it again.

So, I started to pray on that street. I haven't prayed in awhile except while drunk and very angery at my life. However, as I began to pray I realized another reason that I left that life behind me. Jesus is the only person who has ever understood me. He's the only connection I've ever had to a real feeling of intimacy or love. He gave me a chance to start over, and amazing friends, and a million opportunities to love people. For that, I'm eternally grateful, and for that I can't go back. I don't understand why the incident this summer occurred. I don't understand a lot of things, but there are some things that I'm not supposed to understand. All I need to know is that there is a chance for real love waiting for me. There is a chance for freedom and I don't have to earn it and I don't even have to deserve it... all I have to do is reach out and grab it.

So, all this turned out to be is a story of a girl, a life, a great God, and all the beautiful things in between. This is a story of redemption.

I used to wonder why everyone said the same thing
Including my dad
"This is just life
Take it for what it is"
It seemed silly that no one wanted me to dream

I felt like I invented passion
Because I seemed to be the only person that possessed it
Or maybe the years not only killed everyone
But made them bitter, angry, and complacent with life
And I dreamed that there was so much more to life
Than what everyone else had
And I always refused second place

But the years have found me
And I'm not sure if it's premature
But this is my life none the less
And I don't feel that I can change it anymore
So, maybe I will just accept it

Maybe the part of me that always needs to be better
Will die
And let me settle in peace
Maybe this time I won't look for love in anymore places
I will just accept it's absence

Maybe a part of me will die
So the rest of me and live
Maybe I'll learn
Maybe one day I'll be able to love

But right now this is my life
And I'm learning to accept
That this might be the best I ever get

This was the most beautiful morning I can remember
And none of the beauty was anything I could grab onto

It was not filled with great victory
Great love
Or a beautiful flower blooming through a bed of thorns

In fact,
This morning was filled with sorrow
And the nights before with little hope

But this morning there was a strong wind
The air was dry
I felt Summer being blown away
And as my hair blew in locks across my face
I knew that Hope was in the breeze
Whispering a secret
And if I could only stand still long enough
I might know what life is holding for me

Standing,
On that street corner looking for the sun to appear
Over the top of high rise buildings
Tears began to softly flow down my face
Being dried by my hair as it whipped around in the breeze
And I could not name those tears with the loneliness
That floods my soul and runs over into the streets
And joy never showed itself where I could see
And the sorrows had cried all the tears that they would ever find

Those tears where life and the overwhelming choices that are
Set
Before
Me
All of them changing my life indefinitely
And I have no direction
This moment is too small for life
So the excess is running down my face

I looked up
Realizing that I'm a vagabond
In a strange land
That feels as much like home as anything I've known
No family
No where to go
And I can't find anything
Except a cross walk sign
That I've officially missed seven times
While standing in the one moment of peace
That I've felt in a long time
And i took one more step
Out into the street
And after all the wind had spoken to me

All I replied under my breath
Through my hair
And into the breeze
Was
"Please, remember me"

Did I ever tell you how much I love you
Did I ever let you know
That you were my hero
When the world was new
And I had yet to grow into my fingers and toes
Everything I knew was you two
The lighthouses on the ocean that I was about to set sail on

I thought you were perfect
I wanted to follow every step you took
And mimic every move you made

It was if everything good in the world
Was in your eyes
And all I did was look at them all day

But time caught me sooner than you thought
I just wasn't your little girl anymore
And I saw your mistakes for the first time
But don't think that I ever thought anything less of you

But you changed towards me
You covered up and became ashamed of what I could see
As if you resented me for knowing the truth
And I wish I could tell you how much I love you

As heartless as I can be
It never stops stinging when you get angry at me

I've tried to count the times I've failed you
Keeping a tally in my head
But I lost count long ago
And I wondered when you would realize
How hard it has been for me to grow

And the new sets of baby fingers and toes
Are you're new blind objects of affection
But my love never changed
And I've told myself over and over again
That you love me unconditional it's just hard for you to show

But through everything
I never thought that our paths would bring us here
Empty
With nothing to show for a 19 year relationship
As if whatever number time this is that I've failed
It's the end of grace
And I was never forewarned

I just wish that you would tell me I've done something right on this road
That maybe it's your scars
That cast me out in the cold

All the prayers that I've prayed
And all the words that I've written
Never seem to capture the feeling I get when You're near me
It's as if everything that was impossible
Appears in a new light, so near my grasp
And it no longer matters that I can not speak eloquently
Or write poetically
And the way my heart beats can not be contained by my scant vocabulary

And for the first time I understand real love
I feel for the first time
And I know that where I am today is where You want me

I know that the days I don't see clearly
And the moments that You're hands are not near me
Are number by the grace You've bestowed upon me

And death no longer seems punishing
It's beautiful
To know that one day I will forever be with You
And now forever
Doesn't seem long enough

I randomly decided to let everyone know that my first day at my new job is tomorrow. WooHoo new job!

Yay Panties...

... except I must find a way to get over my fear of picking out stranger's sex clothes...

That's a problem

Is life how you wanted it to be.
Does everyone bow at your knee
I know
I was a bump in your road
And when you think back about what went wrong
I just want you to feel that twinge of pain
To let you know the fear of things never going your way

And your life
What does it feel like to have to lie?
Does it hurt to know that you're alone all the time
And the people you thought would stick around for life
Where are they now?

At night
When you realize you don't like your life
I hope you know that we all choose are path
Sometimes we just can't admit what it right

And if one day the paper house you live in
Blow down
Find me and let me know
So I'll be able to see that things always turn out how they should in the end

Sometimes I'm not so sure about this life
The only thing I know for sure
Is that it will eventually kill me
And the more I look the more evil I see
I wonder if it's possible to get things right
Or are we all doomed to fail?
And someone failed to mention it

I just need to see a miracle
I need to see something beautiful
Arise from this dark shadow
That falls over mortality
Like the shadow of death
As it creeps upon us
And the moment when no one speaks
Because we all feel it

I just need more to live for
And I need more to die for
I just need more
To believe in
To see a purpose in things that only I can see

And when I know where this breeze ends
I should follow
And see that there is a reason I know
And for some reason I see
It just never seems to save
But it takes my morsel of hope
And
Breaks
Me

The wind was blowing my hair
The same way that it was blowing the tree tops to the ground
Tears began to flow down the side of my face
And for a moment I wished the wind would tunnel
And take me away

I used to love the way the sky turned green
Right before a tornado
I used to watch the lightening strike all around me
And wonder what else was out there for me

But I can't do it anymore
The wind blows traces of old days across my face
And the best memories are also the worst
And they all hurt equally

I've just been running for so long
But no matter where I go
There is always the same smell before the wind blows
And the lights dem the same exact way

As long as I'm on this earth I will never escape
What happened
I can't drive around this town anymore
I can't even look in the mirror
Because my body bears the scares
That I placed there to suffice
For my crimes
Against
Myself

Have I always been this way?
Will I always hate the rain
The way that it washes over me
But never washes me clean

I just sit inside and listen to the wind
Wanting to be in the action
But I can't go alone
I just want to be at peace in the storm

If the remnants of love left nothing else
They made me fearless

But if nothing else I'm left a skeptic

Of the lies that passion must convince people of
And so another must prove himself
Before I jump again

Do the pedals of the past always fall so hard?
And must they always find a home, with me?
Loving me more than they did before
Calling me back to something I knew before

But if life has taught me nothing else
I know that the plans I have made
Always fall short
And the things that seem greatest
Always leave me disappointed

So, make a plan better than the past
And lead me to where I could never take myself

Because love was never made to hurt like this

To just love me is not enough
I want you to burn with me
Some of us are born with this insatiable need
To burn with passion

And I don't want to break anymore of them
I just want to find a fire
That burns as bright as I can
So, together we burn

While the world gathers 'round
To warm their hands

I've been looking for you my entire life
Out of the corner of my left eye
While I prayed that I'd never find you
Maybe I wanted to believe that every mistake I made
Would only effect me

And believe me when I say
There was something in your eyes
That told me right away

That my life would forever be changed after that day
And trials will still come
The wind will still blow
But after everything I've learned to know
I don't want to walk the earth alone

So, take my hand
Ask me for our first last dance
Play my song
And tell me that you hoped for this all along

Heaven seems to be one of the many things I don't know
But you just taught me how to let go
And enjoy what little pieces of heaven God put on earth

Now I can't seem to remember
Why I wished I would never find you

But I know that you are a piece of God's grace
And in the same way you sought me

I feel like today is going to be a beautiful day, and new day for me to let all my worries go. I decided that this is all in God's hands now, because I keep screwing everything up.

I wrote this awhile back, but it's one of my favorite poems so I'm reposting it!


I wore that scandalous shirt
And I saw you look my way
I formed that familiar sly smile on my face
While I shook my hips and stepped away

And you thought I didn't know what I was doing
Why would I purposley...
Wear a short skirt and step straight into a breeze?
But then again... you don't really know me

And then... how was I supposed to know
That shirt was transparent
And... of course
Those black lacey undergarments were the only thing that was clean

So, don't let my blue eyes fool you
I'm not naive
And I know your thoughts all too well
So, I sit back and drink in the sweet taste of victory

That one last party
And you guy number 4 of the night
(shhh... it's a secret)
I knew that look in your eyes

So I took my body
And it took your self control over the edge
There was lust bleeding out of your eyes
And I was looking at everything from the outside

It was strange how you thought about me for weeks
And I conveniently forgot your name
And that same night that replays over in your dreams
Never meant a thing to me

So what happened to me when I reached that place
When all pride was stripped away
And power had been pulled from my hands
One
Too
Many
Times

I just snapped
And what you took from me
I took from everyone else
Just
For
Fun

And now they pay for your crimes
I didn't care about a single soul
And I would have used them all
If I could only take you for one last bad ride
And walk away while you were still stuck on that one last slide

So, all those boys
I chose for a reason
Because they were easy to seduce
And easily attached
... and intoxicated

And when they got upset I laughed
And when they couldn't let me go I laughed a little harder
Pathetic and weak
So I treated them the same way you treated me

So, this beat up body had one more purpose
To take the weakness of the earth
And destroy them with it

A shadow waits for me in the dark
While I wait for life to invite me back in to grace
With more than a familiar scent
To keep me company while I wait in sin
Your sin or mine
Does it ever really make a difference?

An old rose grows beside me
Bleeding all down me
Where have I seen this before?

And the beauty in the secrets I keep
Has turned on me once more

This is life
I'm living the only one I have
And I have a strange feeling that before I entered the world
I was expecting so much more

Am I now discovering dark sides of myself
That were there from birth?
Did I invent this fear?
Or is there some evil in the world
That I never felt before.

The worst thing
Is that I know all I need is a breath to save me
But I'm waiting
With no reply

So, I sit by the rose
And let the familiarity cover me
While I cry mercy
Cry mercy

This is not a poem, so it looks a little strange on my blog. Oh Well! I just feel like rambling and this is my personal space where I can do so. Today, I was thinking and I realized how blessed I am. I'm happier with my life now than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm not happier because it's less stressful or everything is going my way. I'm happy because I know that God is always by my side, and his mercy is sufficient for me (and I do require a good deal of mercy). I have amazing friends who are always there to laugh with me or cry with me or punch me in the face when I do something stupid and try to dance around it.

I think I just get a little too caught up in things that aren't important. I mean school and a place to live and a job are all important, but while I'm spending all my time looking at myself I forget to look around and see how blessed I really am.

Wherever I am today is right where God put me, and I can feel the sun shining on my face.

Always slow motion
In an attempt to reverse all the notions
That I had
Before I knew
That I never really knew anything
And in my life
I'm constantly nailing myself to the wall
So, I don't run
And the feeling that some fear
I find comfort in

No one knowing me
By NAME

The song replayed over and over
Like it was the melody of my body
As I continued to breathe
To the same tune of my heart beat
And thoughts fired more quickly than my mouth could speak
Which is why I was silent
With no more than words
Playing over and over
And to hear the same tune
Playing over and over
On the radio
Always caught me by surprise
Because it seemed like it was always mine
And I wanted the words to become my actions
To stay here
To lay here
While the clouds moved over us
Like the dew on the leaves as they wake from sleep
And the clouds would soon bring night
While we stayed there
Not moving
Just listening to the sound of our breathing
To know that we were alive
In a trance
And together
Which is all that ever really mattered

But now I want to drown out that melody
As bittersweet as it was to me
I can't stand to hear my dreams
Sang to a drum beat
With the world listening in
As if I could never keep a secret again
I still watch the clouds sometimes
I just don't speak of it
As if it were one of those moments
That is so intimate that it was not made for another's ears
Just me
Watching the clouds call the night
While I close my eyes
And feel you resting by my side

The moments where I live in my day dreams
And never want to arise from my waking sleep
It's just me
Drowning in a pool of dreams
That are so much more precious to me
Than anything else I've ever seen

And my father may call me obsessed
My mother may say that I've fallen on the wrong side of a swing
But these dreams are just for me
To live in a place where life was simple and sweet
And all I ever wanted
Was for you to forget the world
And lay with me

We never tattooed bitterness onto our bodies
But we froze it onto our souls
Turning us into ice
From the inside out

Well, maybe he should have cut off his ring finger
And maybe I should have tattooed a skull over my heart
So we could wear pain on our sleeves
Instead of crying for help where no on can see

I've spent so much time chipping away at my ice
Just to watch more form in it's place
And no blemish on my soul can go unnoticed
It always finds a way to show

My ice first became promiscuity
Then it turned into shame
Emptiness
And now it's anger

And no matter how used to my ice I've become
Or how many times I've tried to torch it
I still can't walk away
Not when I see your face

Like yesterday
You stood behind me
Pretending to have found something I'm lacking
But no matter what
I know that your soul is frozen solid
And one day you will destroy yourself
At the hand of your own pick

The only thoughts that linger when your shadow left
Is that I can run the pick straight into your heart
And tattoo the sin on my body
So everyone will know
That love walked away with the best of me

Is it not enough to wait
Or to pray

When nothing seems to be okay
And every time I just sit and wait

Life is moving too quickly
And for the first time in a long time
I'm falling behind

I've never caught a break
I've never seen life the way that I see it today

This is the long awaited stand still
Like the eye of the storm

With everything raging around me
I feel a momentary sense of peace

But in all this I still know
The second half of the storm is still coming for me

All I have to do is keep my head on straight
All I have to do is keep up the wait

With the clothes on my back
And the worn out shoes on my feet

I just keep moving
Pacing myself for what I still have to go through

The only different between me and everyone else today
Is that I can see what I must face

And some people never know pain
Some people invented it
But I must learn to love it
Because right now
It's my constant companion

So, hit me with your best shot baby
Because I'm still playing

He didn't destroy my life
He just changed it
A little more than everyone else who walked right in

Shadows fall on every word he spoke
But every feeling lives deep in my soul
And the words will fly to the wind
The dreams will get caught in a little picket fence
With paint only half dry
But I will grasp the way I feel with an iron fist for my life

In retrospect I can see that I never saw clearly
And now I don't act anymore
I just react
I pay someone to understand
And even he has no clue who I am

And night after night
I pray for God to lay with me while I sleep
But the attacks still hit me quite frequently

I don't love my friends as much as I should
I'm a repel everything that touches me
But I was more like a puddle of mud
When it actually counted

Everything is backwards
And then someone is sent to turn it all upside down
Just to prove that I can't stick to anything
And I can't really love anyone

No matter how hard I try to be there
People who have built the best parts of my world
Still bleed at night

I can't control it
And I can't help but be disappointed that I didn't see it

Failure doesn't follow me
And innocence didn't leave me
And most of all he didn't find me
I sought it out
And I drove it away

No matter where I should place blame
I still carry it all around with me
Like it was yesterday

No one is without secrets
Events
Feelings about the events
Feelings about themselves
Other people
Or thoughts we would never admit that we have

Sometimes we become totally unaware of our secrets
Obsessed
Tormented
Accepting
Or even apathetic

Maybe it is time for confessions
Or maybe secrets protect us from being completely destroyed

But this is a momentary pause in life
For a little confession of my own
(Confession is good for the soul
Or so I'm told)

Of all the times I hated or loved myself
I could never seem to understand
How could a boy like him get a girl like me?
Well, not easily and not lasting
And as much as I hate to admit it
I always knew that I was better than all that

For all the love I have or thought I had for him
There's still always a part of me that wants to watch him burn in hell
And these are my deadly secrets
My shameful thoughts
The things that I have reasons for
Many many reasons
But no excuses

And the only time I ever really cried
Was when he forgot how much he "loved" me

These are the things I won't ever tell

So,

God help me be humble
Help me love
Help me truly believe

Live
Love
Laugh
Cry
Take in every moment of life
But never forget that it's all disposable

Take the people you love
And learn to run
Fly
Use freedom to say goodbye
When you're young
And use commitment when you're old
So one day your children might look up to you
Take all the names
Of everyone you want to remember
And write them all on your soul
So you can take them with you when you go

Keep the tunnel open to your soul
Wounds never heal without air
And everyone who believes has fought an angel
So, don't think that on your own
You will ever be whole
Let secrets go
Love like a child
Never fear being bold

Forgive easily
Love freely
And let God fight battles for you

This is just a holding place
Where we learn to live
Just in time to leave