Saturday, February 25, 2012

Be Near Me

I pulled away from Your love
Clung to my hurt
Made a bed for my pain

I stopped speaking to You
And found solace with my fear
Forgot how tenderly You hold me
Holding fast to my adulatory

My shame called me foolish for believing
That You could love a sinner like me

I started living in closets
And under beds

I thought of God as the one pushed on me midst measured skirts-to-the-middle-of-the-knees, two buttons on a polo shirt. Look good and no one will know you're hurting kind of god. He was looking over my shoulder waiting to find a reason to punish me.

A god made by fearful hands
And human minds
He's big, distant, and constantly disappointed in me

He was found right where I left him
Laying in a basket of broken dolls, razors, tube tops, and dirty jeans
The thought was lurking
Waiting for the past to find me

The god of my childhood found me again
With whip and chains
And the crushing sense of disappointment
Kept me hurting
Kept me wanting

I do not know where one died
And the Other was born
I believed it to be in coffee shops with books and prayers. It may have been on my knees, but I have a sense that God has been fighting with mine to set me free.

I forgot how You love to hold me
Clung to what I imaged you should be

And I am on my knees

My prayer is simple
Be near me

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