Be Near Me

I pulled away from Your love

Clung to my hurt

Made a bed for my pain

I stopped speaking to You

And found solace with my fear

Forgot how tenderly You hold me

Holding fast to my adulatory

My shame called me foolish for believing

That You could love a sinner like me

I started living in closets

And under beds

I thought of God as the one pushed on me midst measured skirts-to-the-middle-of-the-knees, two buttons on a polo shirt. Look good and no one will know you're hurting kind of god. He was looking over my shoulder waiting to find a reason to punish me.

A god made by fearful hands

And human minds

He's big, distant, and constantly disappointed in me

He was found right where I left him

Laying in a basket of broken dolls, razors, tube tops, and dirty jeans

The thought was lurking

Waiting for the past to find me

The god of my childhood found me again

With whip and chains

And the crushing sense of disappointment

Kept me hurting

Kept me wanting

I do not know where one died

And the Other was born

I believed it to be in coffee shops with books and prayers. It may have been on my knees, but I have a sense that God has been fighting with mine to set me free.

I forgot how You love to hold me

Clung to what I imaged you should be

And I am on my knees

My prayer is simple

Be near me