Sunday, February 28, 2010

Four Months

I wonder if you're in heaven
If you're full grown
If you know that for four months
You had all the love in the world

Shade of Blue

Miles away
Forever amounts of miles
And years that add up to more than a lifetime

Back so far
That it stretches the boundaries of my memory
To see your face

The moments that you collide with my brain
Seem like dreams
And I find myself sitting in a blistering silence
Wondering if you ever happened to me

Couldn't find you if I wanted to
And never would I try

But today...

Right now or either 10 (our favorite number) moments ago
I knew that we must both be outside
Looking at the same sky
Because it's your favorite shade of blue

Friday, February 26, 2010

I Need

I wish to take my life and put in a box. Wrap it up, tie a ribbon tight, and give it away. Give it to You.

There are moments becoming more frequent as if they are every moment.. that I wish to stop speaking. I wish to stop moving. I desire stillness... becoming more in tune with everything and listening. I want to hear You speak. Words that I should say, and every move that I should make. I need it. Coming from the one who "never needed anything." I need You. Your words and thoughts beckon me into a deep overwhelming sense of belonging. That is what I need.

Some days I want to remember what it felt like to be a child. What does it feel like? I can't remember... And You called me to be childlike. I wish to remember what that feels like. To be humbled in the vastness of space. Sitting in wonder of all that is before me. I desire to be the child that I see. Searching for the child in me...

Believing like miracles...

Asking like questions are all that is left...

Friday, February 19, 2010

A Burning

It was all the time

The time grew longer
And it grew...
Less often

The instances so infrequent
That remembering that they happen
Became the new hardest part

It happens

And when it does I feel the same way
Wondering how I forgot that I could feel the same way

Like my breath drops out of my lungs

Like my heart tears one jagged edge at a time

A memory

One word

One never

An intermittent burning

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Write It Down

Is there anything left to be written?
Has it all been said?

My perspective is not that different
And my God remains the same

They always said I reached too high
Too far

But I would like to sing a new song
Write a new letter

I wish to describe my God in ways that have yet to be written
And yet to be read

To capture a moment in everything that is holy
Everything that is beautiful
To throw it all onto a page
And read it with tears
Take all the emotions that I can muster up
And throw them into a verse
About my Savior

Tell the world how good He is to me
That I have something to live for now
And there is no doubt in my mind
That I would not have survived
Without Him
That I still have no life sustaining abilities on my own

I depend on Him completely
And I need to write it perfectly
I need to see it on paper
And then say it out loud

I am desperate to let it out
Into a world everything is "take it or leave it"
And they do with it as they please
But I need to let it out of me

A way to describe the love that we feel
The love that moves through my bones and my cells
And flows into the world
Where I know that Love will save us all

Salvation is here
Just open your eyes

Friday, February 12, 2010

Love of My Life

The search was put in me
From infancy
I wondered about my origin

I have sought
Wrestled my demon
Taking swords to hearts
And left my marks as I willed

I have loved and lost
Stood over coffins and breathed in death
As it if were natural
Like it was supposed to happen

I have cried on shoulders
And been a shoulder to cry on

I have looked for meaning in everything
And I have deemed things meaningless
Feeling nothing

I have lived
Young and full of life
And I have lived

I have seen people starving
Mothers holding their children so tightly
Wrapped up in blankets and tucked into their chests
Like life depended on it
And life did depend on it
And sorrow
I know the eyes of a childless mother
I have stared into the soul
Of a beaten girl
A girl ripped from the outside in and then the inside out
Leaving a shell of a person
I know these things

Next to me

I have seen children play
They smile like the sun was placed in their eyes
Asking them to light up the world
I have seen birth
The moment when a woman becomes a mother
I know
I see

I have rejoiced with them
I have bled with them

And now...

I wish to see clearly

To see a good God in all these things

That in suffering
In life and death
In joy
There is a good gracious God behind everything
Weeping and laughing
Loving and mourning

A God who feels

And origin

I see them in everything
In my pain
In my gratitude

Looking at them like flowers that bloom
In my room
On the floor
Sprouting through the wood
Greeting me at the door
And whispering so softly
"Do not be afraid"

In a world with much to fear
There is a good God
My origin
My purpose
Hope of life with beginning and no ending
A future

And my prayer will remain the same
That God be with me
In me
Through me

That when I stand over my next coffin
When I see the next woman weeping
Children with no home
Strung out with no hope
There is a light
Drawing us all in
Connecting us in our love
In our sorrow
The deepest parts
That only God will ever know

We are together
Under a shield of grace
Stretching to the sky
Fear is not our master

Fear no longer takes my life

I found a love in Christ
The Love of my life

Show Me Love

I will save the love that I know
And put it in my pocket
For different days

I will put it in the ground and make it grow
Wide and spread out
Like shade for a rainy day

It covers like a blanket in the winter
Soothes like a shoulder to cry on

Take me away
And make me whole
Make me see
That there's more to know
To hold

Monday, February 8, 2010


You asked me if I was waiting on time

As if time were a person
Someone to arrive
Go out with me for a laugh and a few drinks

Time, I'm waiting

For what time is supposed to be
And praying that I know what time should look like

When I'm supposed to leave

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Break Me

Take a pen
And cross out my thoughts

Take away all that are not

Take my voice
And make me mute
If I can not speak
Things that are lovely

Break me
But build me again
And again
And again

I'm getting used to living with this broken heart
But if I had to ask once more

I would ask for someone to love
Somewhere to rest
A solace until I am free

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


You called me wild
Said that I could never be tamed

And I believed you

I settled down with polite jokes
And silent smiles

I put on my floral print dress
And fell plain

I was everything
Everything for something

And now
I wish to be me

I know that you didn't know me when

When I was in middle school
And I looked at myself in the mirror like an alien
Like a curse because surely God didn't love me
If He did
Then why did He give me this face and body?

You didn't know me when

Never saw how hard it was for me to grow into my skin
To realize that I could speak
And someone might listen
You don't know me

You don't know the day
That I realized people like me this way
With all my crazy
And my perfectly hidden domesticated abilities
My loud laugh
And my silent contemplation
This is the way He made me
Because He loves me

And if tame is what you called being her
Than I'd rather be me