Love of My Life

The search was put in me
From infancy
I wondered about my origin

I have sought
Wrestled my demon
Taking swords to hearts
And left my marks as I willed

I have loved and lost
Stood over coffins and breathed in death
As it if were natural
Like it was supposed to happen

I have cried on shoulders
And been a shoulder to cry on

I have looked for meaning in everything
And I have deemed things meaningless
Feeling nothing

I have lived
Young and full of life
Love
Promise
And I have lived

I have seen people starving
Mothers holding their children so tightly
Wrapped up in blankets and tucked into their chests
Like life depended on it
And life did depend on it
Weeping
And sorrow
I know the eyes of a childless mother
I have stared into the soul
Of a beaten girl
A girl ripped from the outside in and then the inside out
Leaving a shell of a person
I know these things

Next to me

I have seen children play
They smile like the sun was placed in their eyes
Asking them to light up the world
I have seen birth
The moment when a woman becomes a mother
I know
I see

I have rejoiced with them
I have bled with them

And now...

I wish to see clearly

To see a good God in all these things

That in suffering
In life and death
In joy
There is a good gracious God behind everything
Weeping and laughing
Loving and mourning

A God who feels

And origin
Meaning
Purpose

I see them in everything
In my pain
In my gratitude

Looking at them like flowers that bloom
In my room
On the floor
Sprouting through the wood
Greeting me at the door
And whispering so softly
"Do not be afraid"

In a world with much to fear
There is a good God
My origin
My purpose
Hope of life with beginning and no ending
A future

And my prayer will remain the same
That God be with me
In me
Through me

That when I stand over my next coffin
When I see the next woman weeping
Children with no home
Strung out with no hope
There is a light
Drawing us all in
Connecting us in our love
In our sorrow
The deepest parts
That only God will ever know

We are together
Under a shield of grace
Stretching to the sky
Fear is not our master

Fear no longer takes my life

I found a love in Christ
The Love of my life