Saturday, February 28, 2009

I loved them

I need to remember
Forget the compartments that I have everything
Tucked so neatly away in
And embrace the past as clearly as my future

I've spent enough time sitting with shrinks
To understand what happened
But the only thing I was left
Blinding grasping
Was why God chose me

There was a time when I would have traded my eternity
For God to chose the people I loved so deeply
But God chose me
So I watched them drown for long enough
To feel completely numb

But I must remember
That I can't save
Only God can

God, never let me forget them again
May their names stay in my prayers
And the voices stay in my head
May You grant them the same mercy
That You gave me
When I was and still am
So undeserving

Friday, February 20, 2009


My feet get cold first
Because they're the farthest from my heart
But my soul stays warm
Because as far as I know
It lives in my left ventricle
Before the blood is pumped
To the dull
Life needing parts
Of my body
So close to me

When the wind blows
It never feels cold
As long as I can find my way back to my soul

Where I house my family
Where God rules my domain
The place that I keep so near
Sitting in my bottom of my heart
Saturated in the very fluid that maintains to the life
Of a body born to fight

This soul knows too much
But sometimes too little to speak
So I write these words
For the very parts of me
That have no voice of their own

My humanity has caught up with me
Many times
And I've apologized again
But mother doesn't seem to know
That whatever sting staring at death may bring
She's always warm in my soul
Where I hear her sing

And time is precious these days
So why do I waste it
As if someone could read my mind
Or possibly tell me what to think

So once again to my family, I'm sorry
That I don't tell you the things my soul breathes
And I used to get so angry
Feeling like you never really saw me
But you see as much as I let be
Set free into a tangible world
Where people can see

And so far only God has restored
What I broke
So many times
On accident
On purpose
With all intents of being able to fix it

But the older I grow
The more I know
That I don't control much
So, on the best day of my life
I let go

And God proved faithful
The voice of my soul
That has restored the lives I broke
The things I took
The words I never spoke

So this is the story of a soul
So warm in a world so cold
A family that never did know
All the ways I care
Until almost 10 days ago

My God is faithful

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

He Knows My Heart

I've spent countless days
Getting to know myself
But He still knows my heart
Better than I ever will

Sometimes things just seem to happen
Life slips out of my hands
And for brief moments I have the sense
Of being completely out of control
But now I know there is Someone bigger than everything else

I never thought I would get here
I forever thought events would rule my life
I would never be acting
But always reacting to those moments
When things got too out of control

But flowers have become more beautiful to me now
Life has become more meaningful
And sometimes I forget to step back and realize
That I'm here
In the very place that I've longed for my entire life
But never knew how to find
Where to reach
What to say
And how to let go

But God knew my heart better all along
As if the entire time
Even when life was held in my hands
Ever controlled by my shaking clutching fingers
I wasn't ever in control
God was taking me by my shaking hand
Scared to death
And not knowing
That He knew where I could be
And whatever problems I had on this road
I can not deny that God believes in second chances
Because I'm living in one

God granted mercy for my sins
His love overwhelmed my hate
And I'm out of control
Because I only have one choice
To serve Him for the rest of my days

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Heart Longs

Bring me to the cross
Where my burdens roll away
Call me to Your feet
To stand another day
Cover me with You're love
So I want for nothing
Fill a heart that's always searched for something

You're my first monogamous relationship
And I've betrayed You time and again
But You're grace covers me with
Love that knows no end

So take my adulterous heart
And turn it into Yours
Take my wayward thoughts
And always mean to me more

In love, life, beauty, and mercy
May You're heart become more of what I see

In the world that surrounds
May Your protection surround me

And blessed assurance that You are mine
Grace and redemption of misconstrued time

I wake up morning by morning
As Your will should drive me
I take time to tell the story
Of how Your love found me

May the people see You
And Your love wash over our sins
To bring peace to a fallen people
Bringing hope that never ends

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Prayer

I see You everywhere
In everything
Reminding me constantly that I need You
I'm just human
Requiring love
And You're always here to give it to me
As if I ever deserved love or peace
But I've come to accept
That I don't have to
Because You've always been enough for me
It just took me awhile to realize

I know I've had my ups and downs
I know that I run
I turn and turn and I fall down
But through everything I've known
And all the places I've been
You were there all along
Calling me
Reminding me that no matter who gave up on me
No matter how many times I gave up on myself
You could see
Everything I was meant to be
And as little faith as I have
Just know that I believe
I believe more than I believe in anything I've seen
You're love captured me
And I'm not letting go
And now
I can accept now that You're not letting go of me

Protect my heart
And be the only one who breaks it
Protect my body
And be the only one who takes it

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Let Go

I keep asking myself
Why I don't hate you anymore
I keep wondering
If I'll miss the sore
I'm looking at the phone as if you know
That today brings new things
As the winter brings the snow

I keep praying
Praying for you
Because now your salvation
Means more than a heart made of glue

Today I'll cry knowing
I'll never see you again in this life
But I hope to see you in heaven
I pray that you'll be alright

I contemplated time
And how it never healed my wounds
I looked for love
But it never came from you

I held on because it was the only thing I could do
And when God asked for my heart
I told him that I'd already given it to you
Because holding kept me safe
It kept my secrets
Gave me space

But today I hold nothing
Except a hand that won't let go
And as much as it hurt
I need you to know
That even in the dark times
Somewhere in the depths of your soul
The Truth is waiting
For you to let go

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Why don't you love me?

Up and down the street
Walking walking
Hood up and cigarette lit
Contemplating why you won't love me
Wondering why the one before
Didn't seem to like me
I see
That you don't know me
But what I can't see
Is why you don't want too

Am I too rough around the edges?
Or can you already see through me?
And this nasty little cigarette
I know you would disagree
But I hid it from you
So I smoke still
Knowing that the problem is not in my lungs
It's my heart

I cried for forgiveness
And God heard my plea
But no eye has acknowledged me
My cry grows louder
Still occupying this earth
I'm looking for a place to fit in
But once again
I'm stuck in the middle
But not quite who people think I should be

Monday, February 2, 2009

A Gift

Three feet under
Better than six
But I was really getting used to two
I could almost feel the air
There are times when life it too long
Only about 4 hours longer than too short
It's always a short balance we live in
And I'm finding virtue again
In strange places
In strangers faces
The things that I never see coming
Sometimes there is too much love to be honest
There is too much to risk to just come out
And speak as if I really claimed it
And there are babies that pick up the check
For the life choices of their parents
There are children that are too innocent to know
Just where life will take them
There are girls who walk into traps
Almost like they were asking for it
Because the perpatrators
Of course
Are in no way responsible for their actions
Consequences are the way we understand
But the world takes them away
As if they were here to harm
Because who would ever stop sleeping around
If a baby couldn't just be scraped out of their uterus

Don't we just love every second
Of every day
That we can stop paying
Except nothing mends the soul
The way that the body mends itself

And now children stop dancing
People stop loving
Hope fades every second of every day
And no cares enough

Except in small moments
That I wish to live in forever
Where the world fades away to almost nothing
As if I lived in a light
So magnificent that I forget
That sometimes my family can't see me
Sometimes I freeze and I forget to tell them
I'm here
Sometimes people hurt me
And I refuse to admit it
But moments
When it doesn't matter
Because I see people for all their beautiful faults
That make them
And make God
These are the moments I beg to live in
Alive on earth
But in an illuminated view of what life is
And all it could be
Who people are
And all that they were intended to live for

All is bad
But all is good
And to see the balance where God is ever present
Is a gift

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In a Longing

Things move slowly in small moments
Where patience is finding it’s way
Very slowly
And things drive along as if knowing
That this were the moment
Before life turned again

I am learning
Yes, I am learning
But slowly
Very slowly
As if nothing ever were
But everything is about to be

And I was there
Yes, today
In the house
Where I grew to know my shame
And yet
I felt a slow sigh of relief
Knowing that shame has nothing on me

I woke up
Many mornings
And I wondered what the day would bring

And at night
For years
I tucked my secrets in beside me
Praying that no one uncover
The truth
Hidden so deeply
But surfacing slowly
So slowly
That I never noticed until the truth was seen

And I broke
But the building began again
More marvelous than anything I wished for
Veiled in meaningless parts of what I refused believe

Yet in this moment
Moving slowly
Remembering deeply
And wondering what kind of Love has found me
I see
Beautiful things
That reveal a glory
I was longing to see