Sunday, December 7, 2008

Stanger's Bed Part II

I laid in that bed again
Staring at a familiarly disgusting face
And I stared at it as the clock kept ticking in my ear
I watched his face morph
Turning into everything I hate
And the remorse that I haven't felt in so long
Rose like a Phoenix
And I stepped outside again
With no cigarette to comfort me
Or to burn in the middle of my hand
Just to feel anything

Just that one gut feeling
Knowing that I changed my life again
Not just like any little decisions
But I can't go back
And the very concrete substance of that statement
Scares the life out of me

Once again
Here I am
As if getting older or wiser never did anything for me
It just made me fall harder
It just made the cuts deeper
It just made my skin crawl to the floor
And sit with no intentions of returning to my body

And this broken down body
Has had enough
I can't take care of it anymore
But I'm left with no option of abandonment
Just little pieces of me
Laying on the floor
As I watch them
Roll farther
And farther away

I tried to be my mother for one moment
And look for someone to blame
But can I really blame anyone
For my self inflicted mistakes

And that night
The balcony looked so welcoming
Standing on the edge
Just daring my body to loose balance

I stand on the edge
A wind chime with no sense of melody
Just useless in the very intent of it's creation
Just wishing for something
To save it
But knowing that the wishes dissolve in the rain
So I'll take a drought
To keep hope from being wasted away

Save me
Take me to a better place
Or if nothing else a better day
A better night
A better face to lay beside
Someone that for once just cares

Because in the end I know
That that useless corps laying in my bed
Doesn't give a damn about me
As if I am just taken out with the trash
And recycled for someone else's use

And is it so bad
That I'm exhausted
I'm worn out
And all the forces work against me
And I'm too scared to cry for God to save me

So I drown again
And again

And I watch
As everyone else moves on
To better things
Better loves
Better lives
Anything that keeps them grounded to something
That I've wished for more of in this life

And self loathing was always my downfall
And the wisdom of a father
Warned me about my pride

So walk on by
Just walk on by

1 comment:

GuyWy said...

I like this.
I like your imagery; your skin crawling to the floor is a very powerful idea and caught me off guard. A wind chime with no melody is likewise intriguing.

The subject matter is at once terrifying and uplifting. Uplifting because at least in retrospect you recognize those things that poison so many people's lives: the one-two punch of apathy and self-loathing.

I miss you, Catie... I hope everything is ok.