Afraid

Did I just jump back?
Right now I feel afraid
Again

Why do I always resort back to feeling this way?
The thought of loosing everything for good
Stole the life that I had found
And I feel nothing
I'm walking
But I feel no ground beneath me
I'm floating somewhere between death and life
Again
And I despise this feeling
Yes, I am not hurting
But I'm not living

Secrets and solitude
Do nothing for me and you
Nothing for us
And I'm ready to loose you
While I'm already so void of feeling
It would make it easier
And my depression has proven
To be a black hole sucking everyone in
And I may never forgive myself
If I take you down with me

Right now I want to be alone
I want to believe again
That no one will love me

I want to believe I have nothing to loose
Because I've found myself afraid again
Afraid of loosing all of the things I love
I'm not sure I could live through that again

I'm waiting for bad things to happen
And I hate myself for feeling that way

And when I look in your eyes
I can see your fear too
Fear of being another one of my regrets
But just remember
I don't regret

If I were given the chance to go back and be as perfect as a human can be
I would turn it down in an instance

I like this version of myself better than any I have known
Or any that I've dreamed up
And I would not trade that
Even if it meant that I would not be haunted by these dreams
Or feel the life being scared right out of me
Every time that a strange man touches me
Even just to tell me that I dropped something

I will keep all this scar tissue
I will keep all my jaded insecurities
You could never be a regret
I never regret anything
I just live

So let me find the life that fear as taken from me
And I will smile
No matter what happens to you and me