Thursday, November 5, 2009


I have declared today a day of mourning. It is not because anyone died, but just because my life is changing. I feel everything changing, and I feel new dreams coming alive in me. It is probably a good change and I am excited to see what God is going to do in my life, but with all change, things or people get lost in transition and sometimes it is good to just take a minute to properly lament all that is lost.

Today I went through many old messages and e-mails. I read things I didn't even remember and some of them were deleted because that needed to be the last time that they were read, and others will be read again so I can remember. Life is always moving so fast that it gets easy to loose things in transition. It gets easy for me to forget where I am from and who got me here. Ultimately Jesus got me where I am today, but He has brought people into my life to lead me here too. It amazes me how well Jesus provides. He knows that we are human and that because He is not with us physically we are physical being and we need people in our lives. There are so many people who have come and gone (and some who are still around) who God used to walk with me, pull me when I needed it, or for me to help up and learn how to really love people for who they are in the process. I feel like I don't always give these people enough credit for the impact that they have had on my life, and I don't always take time to be grateful.

I feel an enormous amount of gratitude right now. I do not feel sad. My heart is just still in remembrance. I miss people and I am not afraid to admit it, but I know that more people are always on their way. It doesn't really matter if things ended badly, we just went separate ways, or they are lifelong, I have learned so much from so many. God has always known who I needed and when I needed them. When I thought I was down and out God always had a bigger plan for me, leading me to Him. God knows that I am human and I need relationships. I need people to laugh with, to cry with, and to share my life with.

I feel people moving out of my life and it pains me. Some of them I thought were life long and others have always been seasonal, but God has truly taught me to love. I used to try to stop loving people so that it would not hurt so bad when they left, but now I know that love is always worth while. Through all this I feel like I have learned to love God so much more and through that love other people and the blessings that they have been in my life.

It's beautiful to grow relationships with people and see all the gifts that God has given them (that if used correctly) make the world a better place. I feel like everywhere I turn I find more amazing people who are being transformed by my loving Father.

I do not know how people live without love. It is liberating to love endlessly, to see all the beauty in people and even to mourn change and loss.

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