How it is

Exhausted in the possibilities of who and what one should be
In a fight between a sense of self and a society
This is where I grew up
I've drove these streets thousands of times
And I could tell you the name of every employee
At every gas station in a 5 mile radius
This is where my friends are/were
The people who loved me
Loved me just enough to hold me back
Just enough to shoot me down
Right when I started to get on my feet again
And having spent some time away
I come back and realize
They loved my disorders more than me
Packed a couple punches full of flaws
That made me funny
And never made anyone else feel bad
For being so shallow
Now they tell me
To be 15
With a sweet disposition that held secrets
And self loathing
That ran to the very marrow in my bones
Or maybe they want to see the 17 year old me
Who held abuse under parties
And drown love with more drinks
So, what has happened in a world?
When a little girls wakes up
And wonder who she is
The clock ticks
And she tears away the parties
The lies
The weed
And inappropriate activities
Just to find that no one wanted to see
Who she could really be
Sick people bitter at the healthy
With little care of who they bring for company
And I have more new friends than I could ask for
But more love for the old ones than I had before
I can learn
But I can not forget
And denial does not work the way it did before
Maybe nothing was ever meant to be fair in love and war
I was meant to run
Before my voice became a dull roar
Hiding insecurities under substances, jokes, and disbelief
Should I ever feel bad
For escaping
Before complacency got me
Should I feel bad
For crying that love can not see me
A new life I lead
With no room for dead weights that I carried around
I'm sorry but there is no reverse this time
I have to do what I believe