Sand

Going back
To sleep or to live
Relive
A dream

Backwards
Strange in movement
And it never seems the way
It is so fondly remembered

Those moments will never be here again
And he'll never been the man I knew back then

A sad understanding
A calm contemplation

It's a hope
So small that the light flickers
On and off again

It will always live in my mind
A sacred space
A corner in my heart that I cleaned up
Just to store these times
These moments
These memories

Time is moving
No matter the resistance that I place against it
It's moving
And taking me

I hold firmly to sand
Slipping through my fingers
Quickly
And I'm exhausted
But I'll hold on to you
At least in my dreams
In the few memories that have yet to be tainted
By the distance
By the apathy

The love
That I still hold for you

The last pieces of sand I hold onto
Sitting on my palm
Reminding me
Of where your hand used to sit
So perfectly

Let Go

I underestimated my circumstances
My feelings
My life

It was so easy
For so long
Believing these lies
But I sit in doubt

The first time things did work out I was told that maybe it wasn't my time, maybe it was a chance to learn to how to let go.

I said it again
The second time
The third
And every single time since the first time I realized
That life wasn't like my movies
Or even my dreams
Life was just a series of things
That probably won't work out

I've been letting go
This has been a journey
A long road
Of learning to let go
Learning to be the next best thing
And then watch
As the next next best thing rolled around
I'm letting go

I have been letting go

Let
Go
Of
Me

Your weakness sits in me
A constant reminder that one day
I'll forget how to hold on
Forget how to believe that in the end
I'm am strong
For better or worse

Depending On It

Like most things
It was over before it began
And I started mourning
The day we met

I held on like my life depended on it
And even now
I believe that it did

Not Yet

Death is like a wind

Feel it coming
Never knowing exactly when it will arrive

Death is a thief
Running in quickly
Just so we can never wake up
To know that everything is gone

Death is a game
And we're all playing

Death showed up on your door
And I saw him
So clearly
He showed up
In the form of god-like masses in your body
Taking at will with no one to tell them

That's enough
It's enough

He doesn't respect age
Or at least not from what I have seen
And I should have told him
You're too young and it's not your time
I should have told him

I should have done a good many things
But this wasn't supposed to be about me
Because you may never open another birthday present again
And that's the feeling...
The one that haunts me
The one that begs me to run off the face of the earth
And never stop

This one is for you my friend
This one is for you

He doesn't have you yet

Bricks and Endings

I had been uncertain of our future
Midst the concrete of our past
And somewhere along the way I grew enough
To know the difference

There was a storm that took us by surprise
I was more surprised that it took so long to get here
And you seemed shocked at it's presence

You told me I was pessimistic
But we were a time bomb
Waiting to explode
And when we did
I walked
Shrapnel clinging to my body
I ran

They said I was heartless
They said a good many things
But I survive
I've been surviving
Since the day that cord wrapped around my neck
I learned that live wasn't going to hand me anything
Including my first breath

You were not a victim
I painted you as a glorified bystander
And you were
You were
A bystander that I loved enough to break for
Picking up the pieces as I ran from our past
And crushed our future
I still love you

You were a rock made out of sand
And I was a block of ice with a pretty face
We were made for each other
Neither of us looking like what we really were
A facade of sorts
So oddly familiar
That I melted right into you
And hoped you wouldn't be angered
By the mess

Take life in strides
Keep your running shoes tied
And you'll never be disappointed
Until the last mile where you realize that you've been running alone
Trying to win a race of one
And that seems to defeat to purpose
But who said there had to be a purpose
Breathe a little
Breathe
Breathe for yourself

It fell on me like a ton of bricks
I wanted so much to believe in the world
And the words sunk into my bones
Floated in my blood
And buried themselves
Deep in my brain

"In the end
Take care of yourself, baby
Because no one else ever will"

The end

Everyone Else

I've been trying to trust you

This isn't about you
I've been fighting a lifetime
And if my memory serves me right

You won't be here for long

My guard is down
And it's slightly difficult to stop anticipating the shot
It always comes when I stop looking
And I've been standing guard
For years

You are the enemy

You're another person to lose interest in me
And I'm burning

I'll burn again
And again

When you tell me that I'm everyone else
The same person I've always been


I've been waiting for you to leave. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, come back to earth and look at the facts. You're no match for me.

Forward

The streets were calling me
Begging me to walk
To run
To get from point A to point B
Begging for anything

Still

It's never been my strong point
But don't worry
I'm still trying to believe

The city called me

I was too little to know that my soul would be buried
In the bottom of an eternally tall building
I just wondered how they got that way
Without falling on top of me

The wind took my hair
Only down because my mom was out of town
And my dad doesn't know how to make a ponytail
Correctly...
Remember dad, if we are nothing else
We are correct

That was the same day I learned about the tunnels
You know
The way the wind blows between the buildings
And with the lack of moment in my legs
That were just learning how to walk
Correctly...
I started walking backwards

Backwards

I didn't know much
But I could swear that I was propelling my feet forward
And that damn building was getting farther
And farther
Away

Until my dad picked me up swinging me over his shoulders saying...
"Maybe another day"

That was it

I was too little to spell my name
And I was unsure about what I was supposed to be
But I knew I would grow up eventually
Two eternities away
Stretching across my favorite galaxy

That was it

The day I knew that when my eternities passed
When life beat the hell out of me
And I stood back up

I'd be back on this street
Propelling my feet forward
With no one to help me

I found myself
In the middle of that street 16 years later
With a few more bags under my eyes
And a little less innocence
But still wanting
More

I found myself
And stood
For what was my new eternity
And kept walking

Dad, I kept walking
Forward

Chemistry

This is the missing
The inspiration
The touch

The way that you move me

And we move

Dancing
We moved

My sighs are so deep that they shake the earth
I sigh to catch my breath
Or muster up the courage to sit down
And my flat feet are left trembling on the earth

You move me

I am moved to tears
And beyond...
To care

Your breath covers me
And your fingers beg to dance on my skin
Like you just rediscovered your 5th sense
And it feels like heaven

You can be my heaven
In small moments and great distances
That make me wonder why life continues outside of this
Is there really anything... outside of this

It was the same feeling. It was the same feeling as the first day of 6th grade, my first time in school since I was 8 years old and I wasn't really sure what to do with people. Biology is strange like that and I felt a rush of who knows what when he sat next to me. It was just sitting and I swear that if I could have written back then I would have filled the earth with love poems from that one feeling in that one moment stretching across two wavering desks.

Too many years of homeschooling
And that was my first lesson in Chemistry

And when your strong hands
Found their way down my side
It all came back to me

Chemistry

Changes

I never felt like I belonged anywhere
Couldn't you see it?

I awkwardly sat in my seats as if sitting was foreign and I wasn't speaking the language. I flipped my hair and accidentally nicked my face.. I didn't even notice until you pointed out that I was bleeding. How embarrassing.

I was shy
Painfully shy

Not quite sure if it was more painful to be... or watch
But eventually
It never really made a difference

My body didn't look right
And I wasn't exactly sure when I was supposed to get boobs
But... the future wasn't looking too bright
I patiently waited
Never really saw another option

I was a little girl for too long
Just the way my parents planned it
And I was too angsty to realize
That maybe I should step out of the shadows for a minute

It was awkward, around and upside, it was awkward. The more I looked at it, the worst it got, and I could have swore that I had planned on having a different life.

So,

This is to dreams coming true.

The grass is green.

In My Mind

I called what came over me, a rush
But...
It was calm

It was the feeling of you
Building a home in my mind
Where you would contently reside
.... without my permission

You're an ass

Then again, you always were
Doing things without my permission... that is