Still Blinking

I've been trying so hard
You have no idea
About anything
Because you left before I got to tell you that I loved you
At least to your face

When I found out you were gone, I swore that I wouldn't be angry. My hands remembered so tenderly the way that your fingers once lay in mine and your thumb moved across my hand like you were memorizing.

I miss your hands

Sorry, I didn't meant to say it
I swore that I would be strong
And I have been
Oh, you have no idea

... because you aren't here

Not here when I need you

I don't mean to sound angry, but the day that I knew they were putting your hands into the ground laying gracefully over your chest hoping that you rest in peace... I realized that a part of me would always be 6 feet under in an unappreciative lot. The place where no ground would understand what they held. But me, oh I would remember like I remember yesterday and fading like a dream. I begged your face to stop fading, but time took me while my back was turned and I can't get you back. The concrete substance of your fate is still killing me to this day... and I was too young.

I didn't mean to blink
When the bullet left the gun

Body Sized Hole

I lay naked on the hole ridden streets
Pretending like I wasn't slowly falling into eternity
With every breath
So shallow
So deep

When he left, this was the way he left me. It's the same story, but I'm willing to bet that he will continue thinking that he is... special. Smashing the streets as he wills finding a hole the perfect shape of my body to bury me. This is the way he lives finding places for people like me.

I've been here before
So many times that this out of body experience
Is nearly comforting
Like a horror movie that I've seen before
It's not so bad when you know what's coming

And this graffiti stains my world in technicolor
Like a dream
That I wrote before
Except in the last one I'm pretty sure that I was tripping
Find it
And tell me
I'd like to remember something

I want to publicly say something
Vulgar but sincere unsure if anyone
Would catch it flying by
To quickly to really see it coming

I'd like to be explicit
If I'm going to lay here half conscious
And half dying
That I should at least be honest
While I'm waiting

This is what I've been doing
Waiting for life to catch up with me

She May be Living

She was chronically ill
The entire time that she lived
She was dying slowly
So slowly that no one bothered
Noticing

Her pale complexion perfectly masked
Her slowly fading color
Life leaving her face
One painful day at a time

In the end she found only
An increasing desire to surrender
Everything

Dying was the final surrender
The destination
That one only takes in a blind faith
Believing that what is left on the other side
Is somehow
Better

It was exhausting
Her life was draining
From everything
Dragging the life out of everyone
Only to get vengeance
On the pain she was feeling

And when she died
Took her last breath
And surrendered to the light
I felt...
Relief
As if a burden had been rolled off of my shoulder
The Pilgrim's Progress
Was ending

It was the birth
Of me

She was resenting

I am made complete

My denial of her
Nearly my undoing
Forgetting that somewhere
Somehow her ghost wanders
Setting herself free
When no one is paying attention
To the creeks in the hall

And then...
I saw her walking
Walking around taking as she pleased
She was so real
So life like
That for a moment I found myself wondering

Was her death
Her ultimate deceit

Moving

It has become my solace
In the form of movement
Swaying in a silence
Taking in my breath
And handing it back to me
Just to let me know
... I'm still breathing

These are the moments
The ones I have come to crave
In the chaos of seemingly
... All my days
These are my moments
Where my heart is laid bare in my movement
And I don't have to say a word
Not
A
Single
Word
Just move and breathe
And stop looking at things from the outside
Reflecting back to me

I am perfect
In this moment
Nothing could go wrong
And everything moves
In slow motion
I'm in...
Slow motion

Take my breath and let it cover me
Movement that was always meant to be
Coming from this body
My space
To shake off yesterday

Finding something new
With every turn
Every heart felt beat
With all the energy that will ever be left in this body

This is where stillness found me
While moving