Estranged Eyes

I am an adolescent
With estranged eyes
A wayward heart
And much to be expected
A will of stone

I will never let you know
What goes on in the dismembered heart of mine
But I'll never stop hoping that you know

Did I forget to inform you
Of how much that smile means to me

Did you not know
That I come in this store everyday knowing
That you will be the only person today
Who simply asks me
How I am doing
And it means to world to me

It's the glance
The smile
The kind words with all the sincerity in the world
Sitting behind those eyes
My world is small
My life is short
And it's the small things
That will make it work

Trust me
These estranged eyes are not hiding
They're begging
To be set free

Shallow

My feelings are shallow
Flying below to radar
Scraping the ground

It used to be but moments
But now there are stretches
That lengthen into time
Measured by years
Where I feel
Really feel
The life-will-never-be-the-same
Eat-sleep-breathe to the depths of human emotions
Laying on the raw humanity of all things felt within
Sort of emotions

I may be preoccupied
Too busy to feel
I may be shallow
Preferring puddles over the oceans where I once swam
... or drown
I call it how I see
Which changes
Depending on the day

Or maybe
Just maybe
This is what they talked about when they condescendingly said
"You won't feel this way forever
One day, you'll grow up"

Is this growing up?
Is everything still intact?
Just presenting differently
With the time that tends to morph all things

Will I skim by on the ice of this life...
Feeling little but the hint of cold beneath me
Is this the way things will always be...

Waiting

Sincerity is a destination
Maybe a lifetime worth of a journey
But I want to start traveling
Anyways...

I am sincerely hurting
And it's the happiest I will ever be

Honesty once set me free
And again
It will be the only key
To my freedom

So, here is honesty
I am painfully living

Existing in the knowledge
That it all happened again

And it's in all the wrong places
Faces that I don't understand
And every last bit of my safe spaces
Have been invaded by this

I don't understand

Time
Is all I have to give

And if time brings understanding
Than I will wait forever

I am done burying
Done fearing
Half way living
Scared to be honest

I will wait

I will wait for the Lord
For Honesty
For everlasting Love
To come set me free
And I am prepared
To wait up until my last breath and all the time that I am warranted
Thereafter

Life is a surprisingly short things
And I am tired of waking up wondering
Why time didn't heal my wounds
And why the man in my bed didn't make me feel any better
About all the others

I am tired of waking one day older
With half the wisdom and energy

I will be here
And I will be waiting
For freedom
For understand

Words

Words fail

I speak not with words of much value
Much meaning

The words I utter
Are loud and off kilter
Sarcastic and vulgar
Laughing and insincere

If words are my melody
Than I am singing off key

Words speak nothing of my feelings
Nothing of what is going on inside

Words are merely another mean by which I'm lying

This all seems shallow
All seems below the bar
And I'm drowning in the lack of depth

It was so long that I tried not to care
And now I can't find the words to say
That I love you

It's the irony of life

It's not just the cat that has my tongue
I'm a chronic mumbler

Chronically saying all the wrong things
Hoping that one day
I will be a little more honest about
Everything

Just a little more
A slight bit of something sincere enough
That it's worth the burst of anxiety that I get
Knowing that I am at my weakest
Where I find strength

Soul and Body

I am not quiet
I am not a mystery

You just simply
Misunderstood me...

Words would have laid me bare
Far more expose
Than my naked body

The silence
The blatant desire to keep you quiet
It was protection

Take my body
But you can't have me

An unnatural disconnect
The soul and the body