Body of Grace

I wish for grace to become a body
Standing beside me
Disconnected from all that I am thinking

I wish to breathe grace
To speak grace

I long for the mind of Christ
That I would show grace
Even to those seemingly undeserving

To those who have wounded me

Cement

I'm pouring cement over my life

To make sure that you never leave an imprint again
That if you ever try to jump back in
You will find a rude awakening
From concrete meeting your face

And realize that this is how you wanted it to be
This is all you
None of me

Seduce Words

Sit with me
Make music like our hearts beat together
A strange sort of union
A different kind of together

I have thought it a million times
If it has ever crossed me once

And I have yet to find
Why You chose to love
A rebellious child
An unforgiving spite

If I could put the day You found me into words
It would surely burst off of a page
And find it's own way into the world
It would light up the sky with a million stars
That You know so well
A creation/creator

I have words that bust out of my mind
Of the love
The love You gave
And I can not seduce words onto a page
To describe what You gave

That I might be

Your Face

I do not see you the way I used to
I no longer see you for who you are
Or what you mean to me

I see you as the face of all the people who hurt me
The ones who told me to shove injustice under the rug
For the sake of sparing drama
The one's who told me that I was not worth pressing charges
That is how I see you

Your ignorance leaked those words
And what I used to look past

I can't anymore

Because when I see you
I see them

I see everything pressing against me doing the right thing
And isn't life hard enough?
Without your incessant understatements blocking the path

It's your face

It says those words over and over again to me
It's screams vengeance
Regret
Ignorance
It screams
Blowing out my ear drums
Bringing me to my knees
Clasping my ears
Begging it to stop
Begging you to stop telling me

That I am not worth the right thing

Devalued

Say you love me
.. and then I'll tell you my name

I won't be stepping out anymore
Not without watching you walk that plank

See, these things are important to me
I know that it's hard to see
Because they've been spread around like bouncing lies
And thrown about
As if they never came from a real human being

Inhuman?
You do not have to tell me
I've stamped that label in permanent ink on too many things

I am out today
Looking for my humanity on the streets
Searching for my love in the drains
Trying to feel my knees on the concrete and remember
What it feels like to be damaged by a fall
Instead of laughing it off
And crawling back to the same place
To try it again

Devalued...
And I'm still trying to forgive you

Realist

You just look sad to me
Sad as in slightly pathetic

I can't heal you anymore
I won't even try anymore

I am not heartless
I'm a realist
(Which is what all heartless people say)

I'm sorry
That you can't find you way

Lonely

I remembered hearing "She's so lonely that it hurts me, it won't be long."

Right then and there, I vowed that I would never be her.

To 11 years of trying to keep that promise...

Speak to Me

Requested an audience with your darkness
Asked that it come out of guilty solitude
And speak to me

Speak to me
Not through me
Or about me with your own intentions
How to disconnect your feelings

Speak to me
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you hate me
Just be

For once
Just be

Disappointed

I fear sleep
Like I fear that you were the only one for me

I'm scared to meet anyone
Because I'm afraid to be let down

I wish that you were not such a disappointment

I'm Wrong

Tell her that she should have known
Mom, keep telling her that she's wrong

You're talking to me

Make exclamations about how far removed
This show is from reality

Like you would know anything
About that

Older men would never soil a girl
Who's only aspiration is to graduate high school

No one would ever do that in the real world

Do you want me to agree with you

Fine, she should have known
She should have fought harder
There's no way that IF this really happened
She would feel like she couldn't tell anyone

I give up
You're right mom, I was wrong

And I don't exist
In your reality

Beg Time

I beg time to stop and rewind

I wish that I had loved you more

Realized that you needed it more than I

That I was going to be alright
And you were never going to find your way back home
Back to where I sit waiting

Dreamed To Be

Things looked different somehow
And you looked like perfection in blue and gray

Eyes the fight mine for a place in a heart
All that wants to take me away
And let me rest on life not being as hard as it is today

If I gave you my hand
Would you promise to never let go?
Set dynamite to my walls
And blow them away
Leaving me as expose as I was made to be

In the garden of you and me
And life the way I always dreamed it to be

Float Away

I let you slip through my fingers
Again
And I watched you float away

Knowing that there was nothing I could say
Things would never be the same

Guilty

I pulled the strings of a guilty conscious
Making him realize
That he's not alright
With what he's doing

I found him laying
And then crossed the line
Tempting him to join me
On the other side

I'm sorry
I shouldn't have played a winning hand
On your wide-open circumstance

Love, My Love

Love was a many splendid thing

Love was all that breathed through trees
Catching the life in me
As it flew by too quickly

Hope is where I sit
When I can't remember
The feeling
Can't find the feeling
Lost in my own feelings

Punctured veins dripping life
From the tree of love
From me

Stretched out on a gurney
With my love laying next to me
Hooked up to machines
Pulling the life out of us
Sucking the soul out of a body
And leaving up sitting
Staring as if we can not remember the other's name

I don't know you anymore
Love, my love
I can not see you anymore
Love, my love

I think
As if you were a dream
Blurry
Leaving me wondering
If it ever happened
If I ever had something good
That slipped out of my fingers
Dragging me back into the street
Where I stand alone
Fighting life alone
Holding love alone

Being the one who everyone else can depend on

The lonely rock

The hollow standing place

The blood drained lifeless puppet
Begging for my strings to be pulled

Again

Pack your bags
I don't mind if you take my pride with you anymore

I suppose that we're miles away
From where we were
When you loved me

Sometimes I wish I had the courage to run again
Never look back
And never wonder how things could have been

I wish I could let you go
Or dance with you again