My Pride

Today, the first new day I've seen in weeks
The first time that I am outside my wheel of thoughts
Seeing that life
Is bigger than me

Back to the way I'm supposed to be
Lightly floating
But close enough to call this earth
My temporary home

This is not the first or last mistake to be made
I needed to find out who I was from everyone around
When God was offering me a look through a real set of eyes
For another first time

See, this is just my pride
Thinking that mortal thoughts are the final say so in my life
This is just my pride

10

If I say everything out loud
Will it destroy me?
Or set me free?

Will you ever live up to your word
And love me for me
Or do I always have to wonder
If I can say something
That will run you away
For good

Where is mercy
Where is unconditional love
Did I warp them in my own head?
Allowing myself to think that they don't exist
And people are only able to love me
When I'm happy

Does it really exist
And my fear of being really loved for me
Allows me to keep
Everything to myself

Talking to Me

Your pain hurts me
The face stays with me
Chasing me into wanting to understand everything
Wanting to see you again
Just to tell you
That God is holding you

I want to tell you
To get his hands off of you
You're not as numb as you think
You feel the way that his hands chase you
Right into his fantasy

I know you always feel him near you
His eyes watch you like the next meal
You feel
Trust me, you feel

Time warped dreams
Going back
Talking to me

6 days

The past 6 days, what a classic example of my need to overcompensate for how sad I am. Keep busy, stay longer, talk more, and maybe I won't be lonely anymore. I don't trust the way I feel, and I loathe my negative emotions. How irrational? So then I get to loathe myself for feeling. What a viscous cycle?

I still have a hard time telling God that I get sad. I hesitate to tell Him how angry I am that I let myself get used... again. I talk a lot of crap for someone who doesn't do anything. "It's all in my head. It's all in my head." I'll keep saying it. Never doubt the power of denial. For six days we've been realizing why we used to be best friends. Rekindling a relationship... nothing wrong with it?

Oh but best of all, don't forget the lies. Oh the lies I tell to protect the things I won't. I didn't come this far to let you get to know me... just because you asked.

Healing

I remember

The way you made me feel
When you were not around
How you controlled my actions
When you were no where to be found

I allowed every look
To pierce my soul
Throwing me to the ground
Begging for air
Crawling... on the floor

I gave you more power in my own head
Than you ever took from my body
I hated you enough to make you the center of my life
An all consuming gravity

I dragged on that journey
I hated everyone
For what you did to me
I was so self absorbed
That you melted right into me



It was the most painful process of my life
But it was the best thing I ever did for myself
Facing you
My favorite demon to hate
And then realizing you were not enough
To keep me living

I had to seek peace

In the Almighty
Everlasting
The only One who could ever reach straight through me
And know my soul
The only One who never let go
Never hurt me
Never deserted me
He didn't leave me for the prom queen

He simple loved me
And taught me to breathe
Whether that be standing
Or once again crawling
On the floor

I traded in my idol
Mashed you to the floor
And God swept you up
And gave me more than I ever dared to hope for

I Should Have Put You in Your Place

DO NOT TOUCH ME
I said it before
But apparently not loud enough

And when words fail
As they always did
I will fight
Drawing as much blood as I possibly can
With these fists and fingernails
Hoping that this time I leave you
Nothing but a shell

See I did not understand
Your foul manipulation
Your selfish antics
Rude remarks

If only I had seen things
For what they really are
I would have mustered up all the courage
That everyone women must possess
And put you to rest

And even though I know
Nothing will change
I could have helped pave the way
For those who come after me
They should not sit at home
Wondering if it is happening to someone else

Because I do

I Can't Fix It

Blink three times
Snap my fingers twice
And look at you once
Then everything will be perfect
Is that not the way it works?

A quick fix
A superstitious trick
That what I need to perfect
Us

It gets dangerous
When I find myself saying
"If things were different"
I find myself wishing
I was not so afraid
If only I was willing to lay
Everything on the line

But last time I did that
I swore that it would indeed
Be the last time

What happens when two people are so incapable of love
So unable to take a chance
So self focused
But foolishly hopeful?

I guess they just live in disappointment