The Doing and Undoing

Is there hope
In building a life
From scraps
And broken dreams

It is possible
To keep playing the same scene
Over and over
While everyone else moves
Farther and farther
Away

Are there possibilities?

In a life of questioning
You're my other half
But you can't fix anything
In being together in this thing
But having our own journeys
So different
So distinct

In all the puddles
And all the oceans
A oneness
And loneliness

In hoping that a few bad decisions
Didn't destroy everything
Undoing the course of my own life
And painting it will lonely nights
Wondering if he's really staying late for a meeting

In all the fear and confusion
The "I'll be damned if I ever let it happen again"
Only to jade myself out of another happy ending

I don't fear doing
I fear not being able to undo

It's not the wedding
It's the part when I regret ever getting married
And even worse
When you feel the same way about me

Presence

I was looking for inspiration
Somewhere between classes
Between awake and sleep
Maybe before or after work
Dancing
Or day dreaming

I have been looking

Looking to forget
And looking to remember
Something that will bring creativity
Out of the mundane lull of my life

Turning my lack of thought
Into brilliant poetry
Lying somewhere in the back of my mind
When I remember to remember
...forgetfully

I have been searching for a passion
A life lesson
A kick start
A shock
To bring me back to life
Put a little kick in my step
A smile on my face
Or a fire in my heart

I've lived a life
Looking to be a hero
Something of meaning or worth

Always being active in fixing
When all along
I've just needed to be present
To be still
And here
In this moment

Sometimes our souls say more than our mouths
And the very act of being so near
Is healing

Nastalgia

It was the spark
Of what seemed to be incandescent lighting

It was the beginning of what seemed to be
A new beginning to my forever
And forever after

He was my confusion
My clarity

He would live on
More so in a fantasy
Than the touch of his wondering hands

His memory is unshakable
Unattainable
Stored in my heart
Locked up by stained glass walls
And bared windows
Trampled by never-going-to-happen
And breathing with I-want-you-more-than-anything

His wink was my world
His walk my after thought

Possibly the last person
I've ever had these thoughts about
Coincidence?
I think not

He sucked me in
With the fumes of wordiness
That I may have been warned about
But didn't care to mention
It was a daydream
In black and white
More vibrant than any colors
I had ever seen

My little piece of everything
Holding out for nothing
And I became perfectly content
To let him live vicariously through me
As long as I got his everything
In exchange

My perversion
My preservation

Our Guilt

We buried our faces
Under masses of concrete
And the names that we gave our sins

Put our fists through walls
The depth of our dreams
And then claimed
That this is the life we always wanted

We sexed away our guilt
And smoked away our pain
Fell through never ending
Feeling
Nothing
With faint memories of what we once wanted
Before we ruined
Everything

Cigarette Stains

There were small holes all over my dress
Marking the places where my burning ash landed
Flying off of my lit cigarette
To the same beat as the wind coming through the window

There was a bit of mellow-drama
Leading up to that car
I over acted the entire night
It seemed better than the truth

No one wanted to know
That I had an hour long conversation with myself that morning
Trying to convince myself to get out of bed
Telling myself that life would go on

The goal is not to fall below 50
Not sure that anyone would find me
In a state like that

The goal is to keep getting out of bed
No matter how little sleep
How much sleep
Or how often it seems that life has stopped
And only the bed
Being honest
Acting out the solitude in my own head
Will bring justice to the time
And the truth

The car ride was shorter than it should have been
And I haven't worn that dress since

My Poetry

I go back to the beginning
When my art was born
And everything was so new
So raw
So...
Alive

I go back to the beginning
Born out of sorrow and heartache
Stretched in a million directions
And no one could make sense of my life
Most of all
Me

I go back to the beginning
And today I realized
That this became a haven
A safe place
Away from my fear
Of
Wearing an emotion on my sleeve
Emotions are for private
Tears of for solo car rides
And thoughts
Are for poetry

I think that I made it all up
There is no place in the world
For these thoughts of mine
I just hide them under blank stares
And notforlong empty sheets

This is my crazy
This is my sanity
My poetry

Apologizing

I am apologetic

I have apologized to you
For being too young
Being too old
Being the baby
And being an adult
For being bad
For being good
For never being enough

I have been apologizing
When we both know the truth
I did nothing to you

I have been running towards perfection
My entire life
And yet, I still apologize

I will never be enough
But neither will you

What a waste
Spending my entire life
Apologizing for being me

Your Eyes

I have been looking for you
For years I have looked

Accepted that it won't be... you

But please
Something that looks
At least a little like
The devil in you
That found the desperation in me

Take all of your perfects
And leave your flaws

Keeping always that perfect spark in your eyes
Right before your face would light up my world
With a smile
Perfectly pointed in my direction

I find that spark flying by me
Tempting me
Letting me know
That there is always a possibility
That something
Someday

May look like you

My secret deception
All of the hidden things
Wrapped up in one sly
Charming man

That still looks like my
Everything