Accidents

I wrote all over my body
All the things that were stolen from my mouth
By fear

I wore at least three shirts
To make sure that no one could read my thoughts
But I knew they were there

And all the fear of what was once perceived of me
Tied me down and clothed me with endless shame
Severing the very cord that connects my brain to my mouth
So all I did was think
And remain as quiet as possible

I was hiding in the shadows
Of the greatness that once filled my dreams
A silhouette of faces meant for me

To know all the things and all the places I could reach
But sitting inside the mind of a baby
As if destruction itself had not taken enough from me

And the words of everyone who ever repressed my thoughts
Ran through my head
On the endless wheels of time
And I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do
There were no choices I perceived

And living a life that was not half bad
But stuck inside thoughts that were destroying the very life force of me
Is never where I dreamt I would end up

This is all just mellow drama
Occupying my thoughts in strange brief moments
When I don't know if I should understand it more often
Or if those moments as just accidents

Were we ever meant to know or understand
Or talk about things when it really does no good
Maybe this is just a rant
Or a frequent verbal accident

There's Beauty in The Telling

There's beauty in the telling baby
So tell me what you know
For only the things we truly know
Can we speak of in any measure of sincerity

Speak to me
As if it were the last day anyone knew you existed
And there was something you learned along the way
That we needed to know

Tell me what more lies behind your eyes
It can't just be blue and white
Tell me what you fear
Tell me what you love

Show me where your heart is going
And let me see it too
Show me where your mind wonders
So I can know you

Because we own these stories
And of all I know
I know
There are people out there with just as much or more to share
And I want to feel the
Beauty
In
The
Telling

Where Is My Soul?

Those lost moments
When something more lies behind
The sky, wind,... and rain
As if a mystical element was added to it all
And I missed it

As if God were more real right now than ever before in my eyes
But I'm father away than the last time I swore it wouldn't happen again
And I reach for Him
But the wind flows through my fingers
The rain drenches my body
And the sky is just beyond my reach
Everything effects the outside of me
But my soul is longing to feel something

As if I've fed my body in hopes that my soul would be satisfied
I clothed my skin
So my heart would not feel so exposed all the time
I've changed everything in hope that nothing would stay the same
And I've ran as fast as I could
Trying to get my life moving

And in it all I know there is a connection between the body and soul
Somehow God seems to be orchestrating it all
But I've lost the connection
And in it all
I've lost a piece of me

Not the sarcasm
The wit
The crazy clothes
And obscene amounts of green tea

Something in the core of my purpose on earth
Is hidden from me
And I've asked God time and time again
But I'm still searching

I still curse Eve for making life so hard for me
Because if He was walking beside me
My soul would be much easier to see

Dolls No More

You painted my face
And dressed me up like a doll
Whatever kind you liked

You called me when you wanted
And like a good little girl I answered
You pulled on my strings
And like a marionette of this kind
My movements replied

You made me think I was free
By putting a window in my room
But seeing is not the same as being
And smelling is not the same as tasting

You tore off my legs
And I believed you when you said I could walk
You were all of my intentions
But somehow I believed that I did
Whatever
I
Wanted

You broke my heart
And convinced me that I was stronger
Not bitter

But you were not the only one who knew my ways
Like the twisted doll maker

I was fixed up once upon a tattered dress
I was painted again
Right after you erased my face
The strings were stolen right after you tied me up

And now I'm real

Now I don't need you to tell me what to believe

I see with real eyes
And blood runs through the veins of what you once dehumanized
Like life breathed into a corpse

Hope was pumped into my empty lungs
With a sweet sense of not needing to control anything
Just letting a person be really living

Beautiful Sorrow Resting on my Lips

I may be honest
But just for this one moment
Then I shall return to deception

I never spoke it
And loaded the very moment I thought it
But I can not say on any level
That I never dreamt of our skin laying next to each other
An old fashioned mosaic frozen in time
An emblem of love
Where there was none

Professed

I traded my heart for morals
And never regretted it
Till four moments ago
(Yes I am counting)
I realized that my moral character
Was of no higher a stature for forsaking my heart
Yet I found immorality in more places
Where my heart was not involved
Just this body
So, maybe that was the morality of which I spoke
Not the sanction of my body
But the sacred walls of my heart

The brief moments
The feelings that we may only know once in a lifetime
Living in my dreams more vivid than anything I ever lived
As if to break the mundane repetition of life
Along with my heart
And those dreams
Little bits of hope
That we only hope to find
Keep me going

And this mosaic of our bodies together in immortality
Is hanging on the walls of my soul
Along with all my other forbidden longings
And they have yet to manifest
Only in lies and secret dreams
Accidental appearances
And a need that drags my heart along
Only to break it again
And watch as I go back for more

Goodbye

I walked around
Hardly breathing
The only form of relief
Was my heart still beating
I looked into the eyes of temporary comfort
My heart broke
And the last beat was wasted in his direction

All I could do was wonder what would have happened
Had I never left?
Surely I would have been destroyed
Or would I?
And I won't talk about it
I won't smile or frown
I am socially unable to feel anything
Just the way it needs to be right now
And I resent anyone who would tell me differently
Don't treat me
As if I were flushed of morality
Because I feel like everyone else
And don't tell me to be happy
Because loneliness will not be cured
With an empty building

My Own Simplicity

I made a profound discovery
To be shallow is not to be simple
If the joy I currently draw out of life
I not more than
Cleaning my kitchen
Or writing a check for rent
Than this moment
I perfect

I don't need fine things
I don't need any friendly voices today
I need my own thoughts
In my own kitchen
With my own silent prayers
And my own artsy music
I need time to flow as a human being
Not a stream

So, in this fleeting moment of clarity
I only believe one thing
These thoughts, actions, or consequences
All belong to me
And I currently answer to no one on this earth

For the love of all that is good in this world
Let me have this moment of quiet peace

The Only Words

I went back again and again
To any random place that might be holding
The misconstrued pieces of me
The wind to the north blew so much stronger this time
I had to follow it just to find
That when given the chance I always
Kept
Backing
Down
And no one pull me up
They just kept
Pushing down
Until dirt became so much a part of me
That no one could see the difference
And then I walked around
Equally defeated

And in the poetic excuses for a real word
I stopped being able to speak
And in the written honesty of all the things I didn't say
I censored out the very meaning

As if
No
One
Knew

That that wasn't me
But an imitation of what I wanted everyone to believe
Once again
I underestimated their ability to see

So, in all the searching
And all the pondering thoughts
Sitting at the bottom of bottles of whiskey
I never realized it was me
In the mirror all the time
And the way I sidestepped a glance
And all the people who knew me
Never realized
That's not what I was supposed to be
Chipping away at the complacency
That begs
And begs
For freedom

The way I did in my teens
At the last layer
The last speck of anything before muscle and bone
There is a thin layer
Of something that resembles me

A mountain of freedom
Covered in a few insecurities
And at the heart of it all
A great capacity
To love

You

This heart knows it would be better for knowing you
But where do I start looking
And what will I find
The days are long
And the nights so short
That I often miss them
And right now
It seems that all worth dying for is dead
And purpose fades into the wind
With every bittersweet breeze that flows
From a backward direction
As if it wished I were with it again

And moments ago I missed the heart ache
The way I despise this numb complacency
This lack of needing more
But that very moment
Was only 5 minutes short of my panic attack
Because I never wanted to go back
I've been floating in this spot for awhile now
And I need something to come along and pull me
Because I never even realized
I'm in the same place
And with much stillness comes much thought
That has been thought before
And to rethink is to over think
As if I needed it

I just want to know who you are
And I just want to know if I can chase you to death
Because if not I will rot here
I just want to die of a burning heart
And I want my last moment to be overwhelmed with love
Maybe I am overwhelmed with love right now
With no one to give it to

Learning all I Can

This could have been a slow progression
Or maybe it occurred today
But I thought it would never happen
And the farther away I drift the more I think
That I might not have wanted to move on
Or at least as much as I let everyone think

That was my secret
And no matter who knew
No one knew how I felt
And no matter how much this book opened
No one could read between the lines

But today I realized that it has not crossed my mind
The days
The hours
The unspoken words
Have blurred the memory into almost nothing
Leaving behind the ashes of lessons learned
From the fired that consumed my life at one point

I don't long for that voice
Or that touch
Or that deep feeling of regret and longing
I simply am
With the deepest awareness of what has gone wrong
And everything that could go right

A sense of calm reverence
And a slight touch of hope
That means I have finally felt my life
And learned to accept it
For all the good
And all the bad